Chapter II
It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to find
a new wife. He consulted his inner circle of advisors, which, in accordance with
multi-cultural practices, consisted of, among others, one woman, one Indian,
one Ethiopian, and one handicapped person, who was also rumored to be gay. One
of his advisors, Memoochan, suggested holding a beauty contest, attended by all
the fairest maidens in the land. But his female advisor informed him that Memoochan
was a Neanderthal living in the dark ages, and that beauty contests where men
gawk at women walking around in swimsuits had long ago gone out of fashion. Instead,
she suggested giving a test in such subjects as physics, literature and music,
and the most intelligent woman would be made queen. And the King, already lagging
in the public opinion polls, had no choice, and he said to make it so. Now is
just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a young Jewish girl
named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more importantly, had a 195 IQ.
Having successfully sued her parents for termination of custody, she had been
living with her uncle Mordechai. Esther aced the test and was chosen to be the
new queen. Only, the homosexual community objected the word "queen", and the
feminists didn't like the whole gender- based title thing, so it was decided
that she would just be called "Royal Person." So Esther was crowned Royal Person
of Persia and was married to King Achashverosh, though she kept her own last
name. And being that Esther was an intelligent woman in her own right, and
had no intention whatsoever of sitting quietly next to the King looking pretty,
she was given her own staff of 15 and an office in the west wing of the palace. Chapter
III
It was after those events that King Achashverosh elevated his advisor
Haman to be his chief advisor. There were some protests by the African-Persian
community because he hadn't selected an African Persian to be his top advisor,
by the appointment went through anyway. It turned out the Haman was a big anti-Semite,
and he asked the King's permission to kill all the Jews, which he got. So Haman
sent out a proclamation to all the lands in the kingdom outlining his plan.
Distressed, the Jews sought a court-issued injunction to stop Haman from sending
it. But Haman was defended by the head of the Persian Civil Liberties Union,
who ironically was also Jewish, and who claimed that the injunction would violate
Haman's right to free speech. And the injunction was not issued, so the proclamation
was sent. Chapter IV
And Mordechai knew of all that had happened, and he donned a black ribbon
as a sign of morning. And Esther sent a messenger to Mordechai to console him,
but he would not be consoled. Then Mordechai sent word back to Esther that she
should go the King and ask him to stop the impending killing of all the Jews.
Esther replied that other social issues, such as the environment and harassment
in the workplace were more pressing, but Mordechai persuaded her as to
the urgency of the matter, and she agreed. Mordechai suggested calling all
the Jews to synagogue for three days of fasting and prayers, but Esther thought
that was way outdated, and instead called for a non-denominational candlelight
vigil, and it was so. Chapter V
And it came to pass on the third day that Esther put on her smartest business
suit and went to see the King. The King offered Esther up to half his assets,
which he was actually required to give her anyway,based on their pre-nup. Esther
told the King that she had come to invite him and Haman to a big party she was
throwing the next day. The King was very excited, and both he and Haman showed
up to Royal Person Esther's party. The King, for his part, was careful
not to violate the out-of-court settlement he had made with Vashti, and there
was none of that "dance naked" stuff that night. The party was a big hit, with
performances by Fleetwood Mac and crowd favorite Barbra Streissand. And Esther
informed the King that both he and Haman were also invited to her next party,
being thrown the following day on Martha's Vineyard. Upon leaving the party,
Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai, which ruined his night. Haman's wife
advised Haman to build a gallows 50 amot tall and ask the King to have Mordechai
hanged the next day. She further advised him to quit referring to her as "Haman's
Wife." And he built the gallows. Chapter VI
That night, the King had trouble sleeping. He called for his servants
to bring him a video to watch, but since having gotten rid of all his stag films
as part of his sensitivity training following the Vashti debacle, all they had
left were a bunch of movies filmed in Montana and produced by Robert Redford.
So they brought him the royal archives instead, and there he read that
Mordechai had done him a big favor a few years back. Just then, Haman came in,
and the King asked him what to do for someone to whom he owed a favor. Haman
suggested maybe an ambassadorship to some insignificant but warm-climate country,
or maybe letting him spend a night in the palace's "Lincoln Bedroom." But the
King decided to have Haman lead Mordechai around on a horse throughout the
streets of Shushan. However, the animal rights activists got wind of the King's
plan, and they went nuts, so it was decided that Haman would just lead Mordechai
around on foot. And it was so. When he was done leading Mordechai around, Haman
walked home, despondent. But no sooner had he returned home than the King's
messengers arrived to bring him to Esther's second party. Haman's wife realized
that her husband was doomed and commented that she had always known he would
never amount to anything. Chapter VII
And the King and Haman came to drink with Royal Person Esther. And it
was during the party that Esther shocked the King by telling him that someone
in that very room was plotting to kill her and all the other Jews. "Who is that
man?" yelled the King. To which Esther replied "What makes you so sure it's a
man? You don't think that a women is capable of killing all the Jewish people?" After
an awkward silence, Esther told the King that is was, in fact, a man, and
it was none other than his chief advisor Haman! The King stormed out in a fit
a rage and meanwhile Haman begged at Esther's feet for her to spare his life.
He told her how he had grown up in a broken home, was raised by a crack-selling
mother and had never had a normal childhood. Esther declared Haman to be a product
of society's failure to protect its children. So Haman's crime of "attempted
genocide" was reduced to "issuing proclamations without a license" and he was
given the relatively light sentence of five-to-seven years. After serving just
two years of that sentence, he was given time off for good behavior and paroled.
And the following year, the residents of Shushan elected Haman as their mayor,
his being a felon notwithstanding. Meanwhile, Esther convinced the King to
come to terms with his anger and latent feelings of hostility towards women,
and the King entered a 12-step program and when he was through, his anger had
subsided. Chapter VIII
That day, the King gave Esther Haman's house, and she told the King that
Mordechai was her uncle. And Mordechai asked the King's permission for the Jews
to rise up and kill their enemies. But Esther would have no such thing, and instead,
she arranged for a dialog being the Jewish leaders and the leaders of the people
of Shushan. And while they couldn't overcome all their differences, they
did agree to joint-author a letter of mutual acceptance and tolerance. Chapter
IX
And in the twelfth month, the month of Adar, on the day when the Jews
were supposed to have been exterminated, the Jews held a three-day conference
of the Leaders of Jewish Organizations. And during that conference, they agreed
that a holiday should be established-the holiday of Purim. A holiday of charity
and gift-giving. A holiday of brotherly love. A holiday where alternate-side-of-the-street
parking rules would be suspended. A holiday where Jewish kids could dress
up like Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and not have to feel that they had
missed out on something by not celebrating Halloween. And a proclamation was
sent out to all the King's lands, in all 127 languages, plus Ebonics. And the
Jews were careful not to mention G-d's name, lest any of the gentiles be Offended.
Chapter X
And King Achashverosh-the kinder and gentler King Achashverosh-levied
a tax across the land, to raise money to pay for welfare and public television.
And the great deeds of Royal Person Esther and her uncle Mordechai were duly
recorded in the annals of Persia.
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