On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies which a friend of the bar-mitzvah boy had placed a sign on saying, "Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples."

In Hebonics questions are always answered with questions.
Sample usage comparisons :

Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"

Standard English Phrase: "He walks slowly"
Hebonics Phrase: "Like a fly in the ointment he walks."

English: "Sorry,do you know what time it is ?"
Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay"
Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen."
Hebonics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?"
Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called.
Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for
emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes "shmurtle."

English: "Let's not go the beach, lets go to the mountains and ski."
Hebonics: "Mountains, shmountains!  Do I look like a sled to you?

English: " Have you seen Morris recently ?
Hebonics: " What, you think I have a detective business ?  "

English: " Aunt Sherry died last Sunday.  "
Hebonics: " So what's new ?  She is always complaining anyway!"

He returned to his Brooklyn home five years later.  While dressing, he reached into his jacket pocket and found the tailor's receipt for his pants. He went to the tailor's shop, handed him the receipt, and asked, "Are my pants here?"

"Yes, of course," said the tailor.  "Be ready next Tuesday."

 Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. 

 Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking. 

 Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g.  Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out. 

 The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays 
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast 
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast 
Yom Kippur -- More fasting 
Sukkot -- Feast 
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting 
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting 
Month of Heshvan  -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.  Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes 
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes 
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast 
Purim -- Eat pastry 
Passover -- Do not eat pastry 
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.) 
17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes) 
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes) 
Month of Elul -- End of cycle. 
Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again. 

Jews currently represent 1/5 of 1% of the world's population. That leaves about 13,000,000 people you can pick from.

Of the 13,000,000 Jews available, 50% are not quite the gender you're looking for, that leaves 6,500,000.

Plenty of Jews are currently dating, plenty of Jews are already married, plenty others aren't dating yet. So we can eliminate 2/3rds of what's available. That leaves about 2,166,666 people.

There are several categories of Judaic practice, in no particular order whatsoever, they are: Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, Yeshivish, Litvish, Chasidish, Black Hatters, Kipa Srugarians, and Young Israelites. Since no one should be dating outside of their category - lest they suffer from community gossip - we can eliminate 8/9ths of what's left. That leaves 240,740 people.

4/5ths of what's left don't have the funds, transportation, or desire to date anyone not from their continent. 48,148 left over.

3/4ths of what's left are nowhere near your age. That leaves 12,037 people.

2/3rds of those are too lazy to date anyone located more than 50 miles away. 4,012.

Half of those people are waiting for love to find them, they can wait. That leaves 2,006 people.

6 Jews are too cheap to pay the tolls. Of the 2,000 people left over, you will never hear of nor will anyone ever mention 3/4ths of them to you. 500 people are left over.

Let's assume that 500 is the maximum amount you'll ever get "ret" to you in your entire lifetime. Of these 500, 50 will be too tall for you to ever go out with, 50 will be too short for you to ever go out with, 50 you won't go out with because some friend of theirs told them not to go out with you, 50 you won't go out with because some friend of YOURS told you not to go out with them, 40 are too reform/ Conservative/ Orthodox/ Yeshivish/ Litvish/ Chasidish/ Black Hatty/ Kipa Srugy/ Young Israeli, 40 aren't Reform/ Conservative/ Orthodox/ Yeshivish/ Litvish/ Chasidish/ Black Hatty/ Kipa Srugy/ Young Israeli ENOUGH, and 10 simply give your mother a "bad vibe."

Now let's assume that 200 people is the maximum that a person will ever date. Of these 200, 9/10ths will reject you, and you'll never know why, 1/10th will dump you with a pretty good reason. 100 left.

Let's assume that with what's left over, YOU get to decide what to do. 10 are too dumb, 10 are too smart, 10 have an attitude, 10 you have hashkafa problems with, 10 you're not attracted to, 10 you have nothing in common with, 10 are too self-centered, 10 are selfish, 10 did weird stuff on your date that you didn't approve of.

Of the remaining 10, 5 you share no chemistry with, 1 is a fruitcake, 1 scares you for no particular reason, 1 should be locked up, and 1 belongs in Bellevue.

That leaves your bashert. 

1. Making noise in shul is a mitzvah. 
2. Levity is not reserved for the Levites. 
3. If you're having a bad hair day, you can always wear a mask no one will know who you are. 
4. Purim is easier to spell than Khanuka, Chanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka-- the Hebrew name for the Festival of Lights. 
5. You don't have to kasher your home and change all the pots and dishes. 
6. You don't have to build a sukkah and eat outside. 
7. You get to drink wine & you don't have to stand for Kiddush. 
8. Mordechai - 1; Haman - 0. 
9. You won't get hit in the eye by a lulav. 
10. You can't eat hamentaschen on Yom Kippur.