|Customs Agent||It's All Relative|
|Old Jewish Beggar||If I Were a Rich Man|
|Christmas vs Chanukah||The Great Matzah Famine|
|Tomb of the Unknown Soldier||The Month After Chanukah|
|He must really hear us up there||Shopping at Christmas Time|
|Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry||Jewish Computer Terminology|
|Texan a Frenchman and an Israeli||How The Grinch Stole Shabbat|
|Tomb of the Unknown Soldier|
group of foreign dignitaries are visiting Israel. At the end of the
tour, they are taken to see the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. They
look at the tomb and read the following inscription:
ABRAHAM SCHWARTZ BORN 5694 DIED 5733 A GOOD MAN AND A GREAT FURRIER
The visitors are incredulous. They ask the guide, "How can this be an unknown soldier if the grave has his name?" Their host responds, "Sure, as a soldier he was unknown, but as a furrier -- he was the best!"
|Christmas vs Chanukah|
Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25.
Christmas is a major holiday.
There is only one way to spell Christmas.
Christmas brings enormous electric bills.
A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful.
Women have fun baking Christmas cookies.
Parents deliver to their children during Christmas.
Many Christians believe in the virgin birth.Better stick with Chanukah.
|The Month After Chanukah|
the month after Chanukah, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the latkas I'd taste
At Chanukah parties, had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there
arose such a number!
Have a Millenium Tov!!
Hassidic Jew in a big shtreimel (traditional fur hat) is stopped
at customs by an agent at JFK airport and asked: "Taliban?"
"No!" the man replies immediately. "Teitelbaum."
|A Texan a Frenchman and an Israeli|
Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the
Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash
lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a
tribe of cannibals and taken to their village. The
Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they
have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant
that person his or her last wishes?no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last
The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, EU and the State Department for 'overreacting' to insufficient provocation?"
|Jewish Computer Terminology|
Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a bris for my computer, taking
a little piece off the tail of the mouse.
If you or a friend are considering a
kosher computer, you should know that there were some other changes,
such as: I had to have two hard drives, one for fleyshedik business
one for milchedik games.
Instead of getting a General Protection
Fault error, my PC now gets Ferklempt. The
Chanukah screen savers include Flying Dreidels.
My PC also shuts down automatically
at sundown on Friday evenings.
My Start button has been replaced
with a "Let's go, I'm not getting any younger" button.
The multimedia player has been
renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
Internet Explorer has a spinning
Star of David in the upper right corner.
I hear Hava Nagila during Startup.
Microsoft Office now includes:
a little byte of this, and a little byte of
When running Scandisk, I am prompted
with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
When my PC is working too hard,
I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
I saw a monitor cleaning solution
from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets
rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity,
my PC goes Schloffen.
Computer viruses can now be cured
with some chicken soup with matzo balls.
Y2K problems have been eliminated,
but the impending problem promises to cause
I didn't get a mouse... I got a
yad, which makes sense 'cause apparently I'm
not allowed to touch the Scroll bar.
It didn't come with a screen saver,
it came with an electronic mehitza, which kicks
in whenever I access a feminist Web site.
When I open AOL, the announcement
doesn't say "You've Got Mail". Instead, it says "You
don't WRITE, you don't CALL!"
I don't have an Option button;
instead, it says, "On The Other Hand..."
I don't get E-mail.... I get Eh-mail.
I get all these letters which when I read them,
I go "Eh, who cares?
When I press Delete or Trash I
get a Dialogue Box which says "Listen, you never
know, you might need this someday. So Cancel?" When I click on
Clean Up Windows, it tells me it doesn't DO windows. It also came
with a Shabbos Goy Software Program which automatically
turns the hard drive on after sundown,
And finally, my computer always takes 45 minutes to Shut Down, unless I enter a special anti-separation anxiety command, "LOOK, I REALLY GOTTA GO. I PROMISE I'LL CALL."
|How The Grinch Stole Shabbat|
The Jews up in Jewville. They Loved Their Shabbat,
From The Oldest of Old Folks to The Youngest of Tots.
With Candles And Wine And Chocolate Chip Challah,
They Felt Oh So Good Till Way Past Havdallah.
They All Went
to Shul to Hear Rabbi Schulweis
Jim North (firstname.lastname@example.org)
|He must really hear us up there|
Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on
the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden,
a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot
where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer
there. He simply vanished. She holds her hands to the sky, screams
and cries, "Lord,
how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother?
Have I not given to Bnai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my
very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A few minutes later another huge
wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on
the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing
there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing
had ever happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay,
okay, I have returned your grandson.
She responds, "He had a hat."
|It's All Relative|
Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was incarcerated
in the state prison.
The first says: "Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life." The second says: "Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week.
"Oy," says the first woman, "You must get such naches from your son."
|If I Were a Rich Man|
| " If
I were Rockefeller," sighed the Hebrew teacher from Chelm, "I'd be
richer than Bill Gates."
His friend asked, "What do you mean? How could you be richer?"
"I'd do a little teaching on the side."
|Shopping at Christmas Time|
| Probably the worst thing about being
Jewish at Christmas time is shopping in stores, because the lines are
They should have a Jewish express line: "Look,
I'm a Jew, it's not a gift.
|Old Jewish Beggar|
| An old Jewish beggar was out on the
street with his tin cup.
" Please sir," he pleaded to a passerby, "could you spare three cents for a cup of coffee?"
The man asked, "Where do you get coffee for three cents?"
The beggar replied, "Who buys retail?"
|Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry|
|Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.""Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?" So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office.Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like"Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody asks me that. It's the name of the owner."Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?""He is right here," replied the old man. "He is me.""Really? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?""Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago when I came to this country, I was standing in line at the documentation center. The man in front of me was a Jewish gentleman from Poland. "The lady at the counter looked at him and said, 'What is your name?' " He said, 'Moishe Plotnik.'"Then she looked at me and said, 'What is your name?'" I said, 'Sam Ting.'"|
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