Walking the Dog|
Words You Would Like to Have Taken Back
|Walking The Dog|
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and
The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
|Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?|
*I was at the golf store
comparing different kinds
of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type
I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached
by one of the good- looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if
he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed
by a store that sold a variety of candy
and nuts. As we were looking at
the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed
any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never
let me forget.
*Have you ever asked your child
a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot
of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my
and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not
asked to go potty in a while,
so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't
have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that
he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over
and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to
death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and
An old couple made me feel better
by thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female
news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict
snow but don't get any?
A true story. We had a female
news anchor who, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the
weather man and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York ,
the Stewardess was busy passing
out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
There were about sixteen flights
lined up waiting to get clearance
to take off.
Then the other Stewardess got a
message from the Pilot that the
tower said the wind had changed 1
80 degrees and they were first in
line to take off, and to have
everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she just announced
"Please buckle up, grab your drinks
and hold your nuts, we're taking off!"
No one saw her for the rest of the
flight to Houston , and all the other
Stewardesses were laughing
all the way and so were half of
Now, didn't that feel good ?
Pass it on to someone
you know who needs
a good laugh.
|Fighting Retiree Boredom|
For all my retired friends.
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?