harry leichter's funny stuff

Jokes 34
Walking the Dog
Idiosyncrasies
cartoon
Fighting Retiree Boredom
Words You Would Like to Have Taken Back
 

Walking The Dog

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and
Calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:


Airline Pilot Walking Guide DogAll the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind! Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.....
Have a great day and remember....
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR .

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?

*I was at the golf store

comparing different kinds

of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type

I had been using. After browsing for

several minutes, I was approached

by one of the good- looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if

he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him

and said,

"I think I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed

by a store that sold a variety of candy

and nuts. As we were looking at

the display case, the boy behind

the counter asked if we needed

any help. I replied,

"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically,

the boy grinned, and I turned

beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never

let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child

a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot

of problems with potty training

and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell

for a quick lunch in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining

room. While enjoying my taco,

I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked my

seven-month-old daughter,

and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not

asked to go potty in a while,

so I asked him if he needed to go,

and he said, "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child

has had an accident, and I don't

have any clothes with me."

Then I said,

"Danny, are you SURE you didn't

have an accident?"

"No," he replied. I just KNEW that

he must have had an accident,

because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time,

"Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up,

yanked down his pants, bent over

and spread his cheeks and yelled.

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to

death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and

sat down.

An old couple made me feel better

by thanking me for the best laugh

they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female

news anchor who will, in the future,

likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict

snow but don't get any?

A true story. We had a female

news anchor who, the day after

it was supposed to have snowed

and didn't, turned to the

weather man and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches

you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave

the set, but half the crew did too!

While on a flight from New York ,

the Stewardess was busy passing

out peanuts and cokes to everyone.

There were about sixteen flights

lined up waiting to get clearance

to take off.

Then the other Stewardess got a

message from the Pilot that the

tower said the wind had changed 1

80 degrees and they were first in

line to take off, and to have

everyone buckle up.

Without thinking she just announced

"Please buckle up, grab your drinks

and hold your nuts, we're taking off!"

No one saw her for the rest of the

flight to Houston , and all the other

Stewardesses were laughing

all the way and so were half of

the passengers.

Now, didn't that feel good ?

Pass it on to someone

you know who needs

a good laugh.

Fighting Retiree Boredom  
For all my retired friends.
A few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a 'Viet Nam Veteran' cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it,  especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to send it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"?

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly."Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me
 
was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.
 
Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look,
 
I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the license agency and wear my Border Patrol hat,and see how long it takes to empty the place.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

IDIOSYNCRASIES
 

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

 
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