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canadian humour
Canadian Bagpipe Humour
Canadian Humour and Fun
Jokes About Canada
Canadian Beer Run
Canadian Mafia
Canadian Political Asylum Certificate 
Canadian Beer Prayer
Canadian Humour
Canadian Welfare
The Toque

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

 "Sure, it's easy" replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very  pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was  terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patiet recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was  conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident.

 Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

 The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

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Why does a Canadian cross the road? Answer- To get to the middle.

What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? Answer- "sorry"

 Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

 In Canada we have two Seasons six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.

 One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as  they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.  The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.  The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

 The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling,
"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
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 A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
 "Black pepper, or white pepper?" Asked the concierge.
 "Toilette pepper!"

 On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37.
 But Johnnie did extremely well, he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.
 At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."

 The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake,  but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m".

 That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".

 The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him.
That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"

 "No son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
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 An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.  They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and
nurses present asked him what happened.  "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
 "That's amazing!" Said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
 "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

Trick question: If America and Canada got into a war, where would all the draft dodgers go?

What do you call a Canadian fireman? A Hoser

What's another name for a Canadian Mountee? Canadian Bacon.

Why does hockey only have three periods? Canadians can't count to four.

Maybe you'd like to know our top military secret. But I'm not going to tell you where we hid the keys to
the boat.

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand
grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

Why does Lucien Bouchard like the idea of Rita McNeil haveing a tattoo of Canada on her ass?
Everytime she sits down Quebec seperates.

Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
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     1. Question: How can you spell Canada with only three letters?
     Answer: C,eh N,eh D,eh.

     2. Two friends were talking one day about differences between countrymen.
     One of them issued a challage to the other that he could tell Canadians
     apart from Americans.
     "No way!" his friend exclaimed.
     "Sure it's easy!" He told his friend to collect an random ensemble
     composed of Americans and Canadians and put them mixed together in a room.
     He would then boldly announce to the group "There is no difference at
     all between Americans and Canadians!".
     The ones who objected would be the Canadians!


There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man insisted he only needed half a head. The boy agreed to ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "Hey, boss, there?s some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
Suddenly, the boy turns to find the man standing right behind him. He quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier. I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out trouble. You think on your feet and we like that around here." The manager continued, "Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada sir".
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. "They're all just whores and hockey players up there!" said the boy.
"My wife is from Canada!" exclaimed the manager.
"Oh, really!" said the boy. "What team did she play for?"
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