And it came to pass in the third year of the reign
of Achashverosh, King of Persia, that the King threw a great party.
And it was during that party, that the King became intoxicated and called
for his wife Vashti to come dance in front of the guests. Now, Vashti
was a liberated woman, and was not at all ashamed to display her body in
public ("my body, my choice,"she used to say). But she was certainly
not going to do so at the behest of a male chauvinist like her husband.
So she refused to appear, and the following morning, in addition to a major
hangover, Achashverosh had one royal-size sexual harassment suit waiting
for him. Public opinion quickly turned against the King, and he was
forced to settle out of court for an undisclosed sum of money.
It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to
find a new wife. He consulted his inner circle of advisors, which, in accordance with
multicultural practices, consisted of, among others, one woman, one Indian, one
Ethiopian, and one handicapped person, who was also rumored to be gay. One
of his advisors, Memoochan, suggested holding a beauty contest, attended by all
the fairest maidens in the land. But his female advisor informed him that
Memoochan was a Neanderthal living in the dark ages, and that beauty contests
where men gawk at women walking around in swimsuits had long ago one out of fashion.
Instead, she suggested giving a test in such subjects as physics, literature
and music, and the most intelligent woman would be made queen. And the
King, already lagging in the public opinion polls, had no choice, and he said
to make it so. Now it just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived
a young Jewish girl named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more importantly,
had a 195 IQ. Having successfully sued her parents for termination of custody,
she had been living with her uncle Mordechai. Esther aced the test and was chosen
to be the new queen.
Only, the homosexual community objected the word "queen," and the feminists didn't
like the whole gender-based title thing, so it was decided that she would just
be called "Royal Person." So Esther was crowned Royal Person of Persia
and was married to King Achashverosh, though she kept her own last name. And
being that Esther was an intelligent woman in her own right, and had no intention
whatsoever of sitting quietly next to the King looking pretty, she was given
her own staff of 15 and an office in the west wing of the palace.
It was after those events that King Achashverosh elevated his advisor Haman
to be his chief advisor. There were some protests by the African-Persian community
because he hadn't selected an African Persian to be his top advisor, but the
appointment went through anyway. It turned out that Haman was a big anti-Semite,
and he asked the King's permission to kill all the Jews, which he got. So
Haman sent out a proclamation to all the lands in the kingdom outlining his plan.
Distressed, the Jews sought a court-issued injunction to stop Haman from sending
it. But Haman was defended by the head of the Persian Civil Liberties Union,
who ironically was also Jewish, and who claimed that the injunction would violate
Haman's right to free speech. And the injunction was not issued, so the
proclamation was sent.
Mordechai knew of all that had happened, and he donned a black ribbon as
a sign of mourning. And Esther sent a
messenger to Mordechai to console him, but he would not be consoled.
Then Mordechai sent word back to Esther that she should go the King and
ask him to stop the impending killing of all the Jews. Esther replied
that other social issues, such as the environment and harassment in the
workplace were more pressing, but Mordechai persuaded her as to the urgency
of the matter, and she agreed. Mordechai suggested calling all the
Jews to synagogue for three days of fasting and prayers, but Esther thought
that was way outdated, and instead called for a non-denominational candlelight
vigil, and it was so.
And it came to pass on the third day that Esther put on her smartest business
suit and went to see the King. The King offered Esther up to half his assets,
which he was actually required to give her anyway, based on their pre-nup. Esther
told the King that she had come to invite him and Haman to a big party she was
throwing the next day. The King was very excited, and both he and Haman
showed up to Royal Person Esther's party. The King, for his part, was careful
not to violate the out-of-court settlement he had made with Vashti, and there
was none of that "dance" stuff that night. The party was a big hit, with
performances by Fleetwood Mac and crowd favorite Barbra Streissand.
And Esther informed the King that both he and Haman were also invited to her
next party, being thrown the following day on Martha's Vineyard.
Upon leaving the party, Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai, which ruined
his night. Haman's wife advised Haman to build a gallows 50 amot tall and
ask the King to have Mordechai hanged the next day.
She further advised him to quit referring to her as "Haman's Wife." And
he built the gallows.
That night, the King had trouble sleeping.
He called for his servants to bring him a video to watch, but since having gotten
rid of all his stag films as part of his sensitivity training following the Vashti
debacle, all they had left were a bunch of movies filmed in Montana and produced
by Robert Redford. So they brought him the royal archives instead, and
there he read that Mordechai had done him a big favor a few years back. Just
then, Haman came in, and the King asked him what to do for someone to whom he
owed a favor. Haman suggested maybe an ambassadorship to some insignificant
but warm-climate country, or maybe letting him spend a night in the palace's "Lincoln
Bedroom." But the King decided to have Haman lead Mordechai around on a
horse throughout the streets of Shushan. However, the animal rights
activists got wind of the King's plan, and they went nuts, so it was decided
that Haman would just lead Mordechai around on foot. And it was so.
When he was done leading Mordechai around, Haman walked home, despondent.
But no sooner had he returned home than the King's messengers arrived to bring
him to Esther's second party. Haman's wife realized that her husband was
doomed and commented that she had always known he wound never amount to anything.
And the King and Haman came to drink with Royal Person Esther. And it was
during the party that Esther shocked the King by telling him that someone in
that very room was plotting to kill her and all the other Jews. "Who is
that man?" yelled the King.
To which Esther replied "What makes you so sure it's a man? You don't think
that a woman is capable of killing all the Jewish people?"
After an awkward silence, Esther told the King that is was, in fact, a man, and
it was none other than his chief advisor Haman! The King stormed out in a fit
of rage and meanwhile Haman begged at Esther's feet for her to spare his life. He
told her how he had grown up in a broken home, was raised by a crack-selling
mother and had never had a normal childhood.
Esther declared Haman to be a product of society's failure to protect its children. So
Haman's crime of "attempted genocide" was reduced to
"issuing proclamations without a license" and he was given the relatively light
sentence of five-to-seven years. After serving just two years of that sentence,
he was given time off for good behavior and paroled.
And the following year, the residents of Shushan elected Haman as their mayor,
his being a felon notwithstanding. Meanwhile, Esther convinced the King
to come to terms with his anger and latent feelings of hostility towards women,
and the King entered a 12-step program and when he was through, his anger had
That day, the King gave Esther Haman's house, and she told the King that
Mordechai was her uncle. And Mordechai asked the King's permission for the Jews to
rise up and kill their enemies.
But Esther would have no such thing, and instead, she arranged for a dialog between
the Jewish leaders and the leaders of the people of Shushan. And while
they couldn't overcome all their differences, they did agree to joint-author
a letter of mutual
acceptance and tolerance.
And in the twelfth month, the month of Adar, on the day when the Jews were
supposed to have been exterminated, the Jews held a three - day conference
of the Leaders of Jewish Organizations.
And during that conference, they agreed that a holiday should be established
- the holiday of Purim. A holiday of charity and gift-giving.
A holiday of brotherly love. A holiday where alternate-side-of-the-street
parking rules would be suspended. A holiday where Jewish kids could dress
up like Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and not have to feel that they had missed
out on something by not celebrating Halloween. And a proclamation was sent
out to all the King's lands, in all 127 languages, plus Ebonics. And the
Jews were careful not to mention G-d's name, lest any of the gentiles be offended.
And King Achashverosh-the kinder and gentler King
Achashverosh -- levied a tax across the land, to raise money to pay for
welfare and public television. And the great deeds of Royal Person Esther
and her uncle Mordechai were duly recorded in the annals of Persia.