Four Jewish Ladies
Have the Maid do it
Kosher Bagel Seeds
|Three proofs that Jesus
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion
|Have the Maid do it|
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath
is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for
his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister... a married man, experienced..for the answer.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it.
| Just before Rosh Hashana,
a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the
shul president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands tough, he won't
give them a million dollars, nor a getaway
car, nor a Jumbo Jet.
The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish. "Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having delivered it before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's an hour-ninety minutes long tops."
They promise to grant him the wish. "Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the 'Hinneni' prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes long - then I'll go happily." The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they turn to the shul president. What is your wish? "Please," says the president with tears in his eyes, "shoot me first!"
|Kosher Bagel Seeds ©|
following should be attached to a plastic zip lock bag containing Cheerios.
WHERE TO PLANT BAGEL
|Four Jewish Ladies are sitting around playing mah jongg|
| First lady says, "you know girls,
I have known you all for a long time and there is something I must get off my
chest. I am a Kleptomaniac.
But don't worry I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
Next lady says, "well, since we
are having a true confessions here, I must get something off my chest.
I am a nymphomaniac.
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also..... I am a Yenta and I have some phone calls to make."
|Hershel feels that he's not getting enough
Aliyahs, and so he goees in to see the Rabbi.
He wants to become a Kohain.
Although reluctant, the Rabbi, after much persuasion and arm twisting, finally agrees to the request. But on one condition.
"They know you here. You must move to another Congregation where no one will know your prior status." Hershel agrees to the condition, and moves to another Congregation. On his first Shabbos there, right before Torah Reading, the Parnass (Gabbai) comes up to greet Hershel, and to welcome the new face.
"By the way", continues the Gabbai, "are you a Kohain?".
"Absolutely" came the answer.
"In that case," replied the Gabbai, "I would like to respectfully request that you leave the room for a few moments. We have some yarzeits and need the Kohain aliya!"
little town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The
townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from
Moscow for 2000 rubles but they could get a cow from Minsk for only 1000
rubles. So they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream and everybody loved this cow. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?" The Rabbi thought a moment and said, "Ok, why did you buy this cow from Minsk?" "Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."
|Hermeneutics in Everyday Life|
you're traelling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That
depends on how you exegete the stop sign.
1. A postmodernist deconstructs the sign
(knocks it over with his car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south
traffic over the east-west traffic.2. Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop
sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie
use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the
east-west road. 3. A serious and educated Catholic believes
that he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community
and their tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't
take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take
it too seriously either. 4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or
Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother
to read the sign but he'll stop if the car in front of him
does. 5. A fundamentalist, taking the text
very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell
him to go. 6. A preacher might look
up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean: 1)
something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block
of wood that prevents a door from closing; 2) a location where a train
or bus lets off passengers. The main point of his sermon the following
Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic
is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from
your car. 7. An orthodox Jew does one
of two things: A) Take another route to work that doesn't
have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying
A New Yorker slows down, looks for Police, and then proceeds.
|How to Exegete a STOP Sign|
you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do?
That depends on how you exegete the stop sign.
|Rabbi Tarfon of Bet Shea|
Tarfon of Bet Shean said of Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya: It is
said that in those days Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya designed
a web site for the mother of his father, Sarah the daughter of Pinchas,
who begat Yechezkel, who begat Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya. Thus
Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya performed the mitzvah of web site
Rabbi Michal ben Elkanah, who had only one eye, said: But is it not also said that in those days there was no web, only gopher? Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said: It is true, but as it is written: "A web browser may also use the gopher protocol, in addition to the HTTP protocol." Rabbi Eliezer asked: Why does it specifically mention that the web browser may also use the gopher protocol, when it is written elsewhere that a web browser may use any protocol? Because the gopher protocol is especially meritorious, since it enables support of legacy systems. One time a poor man came into the home of Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron and asked for two megabytes of disk space on the web site of Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron. Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron refused the man, but instead gave him a personal web server for his own use. At this point Rabbi Yehudah ben Yerachmiel asked Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron: Why did you refuse this man's request, but instead give him a personal web server for his own use? Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron replied: It [the Mishnah] teaches: "When a poor man comes into your home and asks for disk space on your web site, first ascertain whether he is going to use it for his own purpose or for the purpose of idol worship. If he is going to use it for his own purpose, grant him the space he asks, unless it exceeds twenty ephraot [one ephrah = 213 kilobytes], in which case you may refer him to a local Internet service provider, for as it is written: It is not upon you to complete the task, but neither are you free to desist from it. If he is going to use it for the purpose of idol worship, then do not give him the space, but instead rebuke him, that he might see the error of his ways and refrain from idol worship." Rabbi Gideon of Shechem disagreed, saying: It [the Mishnah] also teaches: "When a poor man requests space on an FTP server, you must grant it without asking why he is going to use it." Why would the Mishnah impose requirements on a web server but not an FTP server?
Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said: Rabbi Eliezer said: Why does it specifically mention that the web browser may also use the gopher protocol when it is written elsewhere that a web browser may use any protocol? Because the gopher protocol is especially meritorious, since it enables support of legacy systems. Similarly, the FTP protocol is especially meritorious. Therefore, it is unfair to deny a poor man access to FTP, whereas it is sometimes permitted to refrain from giving a poor man access to HTTP, because without HTTP he can still serve files using FTP, but without FTP he will be unable to put his files on the server, since the means for saving files over HTTP are unreliable.
|Mohel Retires After 50 Years|
| He goes to the leather worker with
all the skin he has saved. "I vant you should make me a memento of my years as
a mohel." The leather worker assures him that this can be done, and he should
come by next week and pick it up.
When the mohel returns, the leather worker presents him with a wallet. The mohel is incensed. "I vork for 50 years and all you can give me is a vallet?" The leather worker replies "But it is a special kind of wallet. When you rub it, it becomes a suit case!"
|The Jewish Representative|
| A long time ago, the Pope decided
that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally, there was a big uproar
from the Jewish community.
So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they a
no choice. So, they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent
them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make
it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope
agreed. The day of the great
debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three
fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised
one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle
around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he
sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and
a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up
and said, "I give up! This man is too good. The
Jews can stay." An hour later, the Cardinals were
all around the Pope, asking him what happened. The
Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. The
Rabbi responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there was still one God common to both of our religions." The Pope continued. "Then
I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He
responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here
with us. "I pulled out the wine and the
wafer, to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out
an apple to remind me of original sin." With an amazed look on his face,
the Pope exclaimed, "He had an answer for everything. What could
I do? Meanwhile, the Jewish community
had crowded around Moishe.
"I don't know." said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
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