harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 11
Phone Call
 Jewish Guy
 Jewish Lady
 Jewish Holiday
Abraham
 Rabbi Weiss
 Jewish Calendar
 Morris calls his Son
The Dog
 Aunt Zelda
Jewish Redneck
 Man o Manechevitz

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before... 
You Might Just Be a Jewish Redneck If..........
  1. You think that marrying your first cousin is not only permitted, but biblically mandated
  2. Your home is mobile and your sukkah ain't
  3. You have a gun rack in your sukkah
  4. Your idea of Shalosh Shudos is a six pack and some Redman
  5. Ad Lo Yoda applies just about every night
  6. You think KKK is a kosher symbol
  7. You speak more English than your shul president
  8. You light Shabbat candles from your cigarette
  9. The only plant in your home is your lulav
  10. The only area on your lawn that is mowed is the spot where you burn your Chametz
  11. Your idea of bathing is using the mikvah
  12. Your siddur lists the Sabbath greeting as : "Shabbot Shalom Y'all"
  13. Your Shabbat suit was a blue light special at K-mart
  14. Willie Nelson sang at your Bar/Bat Mitzvah
  15. Your local scribe shoots his own parchment
  16. You've ever used the theme to "Rawhide" as a tune for the Kedusha
  17. You've ever fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name
  18. Your belt buckle is bigger than your Yarmulke
  19. You give Ma'aser from your spittoon
  20. A tish just ain't a tish without a bugzapper
  21. You've ever called the "Psychic Friends Network" to answer a halachic question
  22. When you hear the shofar on Rosh Hashanah, you let your hunting dogs loose
  23. You know what Brocha to make when you see a UFO
  24. Your Rabbi ever yelled "Yee-Haw" during his sermon
  25. You think the mechitza is an Italian food
  26. You think a hora is a high priced call girl
  27. You keep a can of spray paint in your Tallis bag
  28. You wear a white hood for Havdallah
  29. You know which brand of grits have an acceptable Kashrut supervision
  30. If your Omer counting calendar has ever come up with three cherries in a row
Jewish Holiday
Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
 "Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously.
 "It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll BE a Jewish holiday."
Rabbi Weiss
Rabbi Weiss was saying his goodbye's to the congregants after his Saturday morning service as he always does when Sheila came up to him in tears. "What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Rabbi Weiss  "Oh, Rabbi, I've got terrible news." Replied Sheila  "Well what is it, Sheila?"   "Well, my ex-husband, passed away last night, Rabbi."  "Oh, Sheila" said the Rabbi, "that's terrible. Tell me Sheila, did he have any last requests?"
 "Well, yes he did Rabbi," replied Sheila  "What did he ask, Sheila?"
 Sheila replied, "He said, 'Please, Sheila, put down the gun...'"
The Dog
Bennet had a pet dog that he loved for 12 years. The dog died, and a heart broken Bennet went to the Rabbi and asked, "Rebbe, my dog is dead. Could you please offer a prayer for this faithful creature ?"

 The Rebbe replied, "No, we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue, but nearby there is a new temple that opened, and no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services for an animal." Bennet said, "So I'll go see them now.
Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service ?"

 The Rebbe replied, " So why didn't you tell me the dog was Orthodox ?

Aunt Zelda's Rules for Jewish Living
 1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
 2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
 3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
 4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
 5. A good kugle sinks in mercury.
 6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
 7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
 8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
 9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
 10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
 11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
 12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
 13. According to jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
 14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
 15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
 16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
 17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
 18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job.
 19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, G-d created Loehmann's.
 20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
 21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
 22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
 23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
 24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
 25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
 26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
 27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
Abraham
Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant.  He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."  Abe says, "OK".
The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn.
Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.
The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew?
This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?"
Straightfaced, Abe replies "I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me.
I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but the tip of my penis is in Poland."
Jewish Guy
There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they notice that  their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner. The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves. The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go home early again.
 They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "no."
They ask him why not and he said, "because yesterday I almost got caught!"
Phone Call
It's three oclock in the morning in the White house and the phone is ringing. Clinton answers the phone and it's Saddam Hussein. Clinton admonishes Saddam for calling so late. Saddam says "But I just had to tell you about this dream I just had. I was in the US in Washington DC and there were all these Iraqi flags flying around the city. "
Clinton responds, you know, I also just had a dream, but I was in Bagdhad and there were all these strange flags flying everywhere. Saddam says "What did the flags say?" and Clinton responds, I don't know, I can't read Hebrew.
Morris calls his son
Morris calls his son in NY and says, Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you  because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
 The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
 "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
 "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together.
  What happened?"
 "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
 "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
 "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an
 appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
 "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down.
 Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
 "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
 A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.  "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
 Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going  to do next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"
Jewish Calendar
   Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
   Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
   Yom Kippur -- More fasting
   Sukkot -- Feast
   Hoshanah Rabbah -- More feasting
   Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
   Month of Heshvan-No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
   Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
   Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
   Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
   Fast of Esther -- Fast
   Purim -- Eat pastry
   Passover -- Do not eat pastry
   Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
   Seventeenth of Tammuz-Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
   Nine days of Av -- Don't eat meat.
   Might be OK to eat cheescake or blintzes.
   Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
   Month of Elul -- End of cycle.
   Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.
Man o Manechevitz
An old, wrinkled Arab had been wandering the desert without water. Things were so bad that his camel had died. Pulling himself across the hot sand, he spotted something shiny sticking out, just ahead. He crawled to it and found a Maneshevitz wine bottle with a few drops in it. So he opened the bottle...and out pops a genie.

But this was an unusual genie, dressed in an alpaca coat, broad-brimmed black hat and with side curls...a chasidic rebbe genie. "Well, kid, you know how this works. You have 3 wishes."  The arab was afraid to trust a
chasidic rebbe genie. But the genie said "What have you got to lose? You're gonna die anyway." So the Arab realizes he might as well make wish #1. He wished for a lush oasis with plenty to drink and eat. Poof, it appears. "I wish to become richer than the richest Saudi sheik." Poof, huge containers overflowing with gold and precious gems appears, "O.K. kid, it's time for #3. Make it a good one"
The Arab thinks hard and finally wishes:"Bring me a beautiful female and make me like I was as a young man before wandering the desert, firm, white, long- lasting always ready for a woman,
Poof! The Arab turned into a tampon.

The morale: If you are an Arab, doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.

Jewish Lady
An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her, stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her.  Unruffled she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"
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