Blessing for Internet
Mother on Jury Duty
|A Jewish Young Man|
Jewish Young Man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder.
"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming,
and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state,
all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." The psychiatrist
replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy
|Jewish View on When Life Begins|
|There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.|
|Two gentlemen are using the facilities at Grand Central Station in New York. One gentleman says to the other, "Are you from Borough Park?" The other gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?" The first gentleman says, "Do you belong to Temple Beth El?" The second gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?" The first gentleman says, "Is Rabbi Yablonobovitz the mohel there?" The second gentleman exclaims "Yeah, how did you know that!?" The first gentleman answers, "Because he always cuts on a slant, and you're peeing on my shoe!"|
| There once were
two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil
ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone
else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.
One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words."
After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately.
At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased. After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."
|I met a Chinese man who told me his name was Abe Schwartz. I told him he didn't look Jewish, to which he replied "I'm not." "So how did you get that name?" I asked. "Did your mother marry a Jewish man?" "Oh no, when I first came to this country and was standing on the immigration line, the man in front of me was named Abe Schwartz. When it came my turn, they asked me my name, and I told them 'Sem Ting.'"|
|What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews? Filet minyan.|
|Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp." Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?!"|
|Blessing before logging onto Internet|
| Q: What is the proper
blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: "Modem anachnu lach..."
| The only cow in
a small twon in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research
and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles, or one
from Minsk for 1000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approached from the back , she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they have gotten the cow. "You are truly wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
| Q: If a doctor carries
a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
A: A Bris-kit........
| Q: What is the technical
term for an uncircumcised Jew who is older than 8-days old?
A: A girl.
| Three guys are about
to be executed, and they are asked what they wish to have for their last
The Italian responds, 'Peperoni Pizza,' which he is served and then he is quickly executed. The Frenchman requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then he is promptly executed.
Jew requests a plate of strawberries.
|Mother on Jury Duty|
|After 40 years, mother finally got her citizenship papers and proudly registered to vote. Well, Mother received a notice to report for jury duty, and to our surprise was not only selected for a jury but was elected the foreman. It was a criminal case. A husband had shot his wife's lover, but only grazed his arm. The jury was out for over four hours before returning. Everyone waited with bated breath as the judge asked my mother whether the jury had reached a verdict, Mother stood up, and firmly replied, "We have, your honor, we decided not to butt in."|
mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited,
I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected
smile, she said, "What's
the matter? You didn't
like the other one?"
|On a bus|
|On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to her little boy -- who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time the mother said, "No, no, talk Yiddish!" An impatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, "Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew?" Replied the mother; "I don't want him to forget he's a Jew."|
|A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"|
| Q. Why aren't there
any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
| Q: What's Jewish
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt.
urban legend says this really happened....
In the gantza Conservative shul in Toronto ("The Beth Tzedec") there once was a president who was a nice businessman but Jewishly, well, he was ritually-challenged. On Rosh HaShanah the gabbai offered him an aliyah; panicked, he said "No no no, I can't read the Hebrew blessings, I'll embarrass myself."
The gabbai said: "you HAVE to take some honor, you're the president!"
"Isn't there anything where I don't have to talk?"
The Gabbai thought for a minute and suggested "how about glila?"
"What's glila?" said the president?
"Simple," replied the gabbai, "you just come up after the Torah is lifted, and when the cover is put on, you put on the breastplate and the crown and then sit down."
Relieved, the president accepted the honor.
And so, right after hagba, the president came up, put on the breastplate and the crown, and went back to his seat.
The gabbai came running over and said "NOT ON YOU, on the TORAH, on the TORAH!!"
| Morris had asked
Sol to help him out with the deck after work, so Sol just went straight
over to Morris's place. When they got to the door, Morris went straight
to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how
much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented
his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Sol told Morris that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Morris said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.
Sol thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife Esther a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Sol was confused and asked why she was crying.
Esther said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Joshua fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
| Sophie and Shirley,
two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, were curious about the
latest arrival in their building; a quiet, nice - looking gentleman who
kept to himself.
Shirley said," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why
don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him.
He looks so lonely." Sophie agreed,
and later that day at the pool she walked up to him and said, "Excuse me,
mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you
looked so lonely." "Of course
I'm lonely, he said, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're
kidding! What for?"
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yelled, "Yoo hoo, Shirley! He's single!"
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