harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 12
Mensch
The Cow
Sweaters
Abe Schwartz 
Suddenly Single
Jewish Young Man
 Blessing for Internet
Gabbai
 The Mohel
Parole Board
 Postage Stamp
 Marriage Blues
Technical Term
Sleeping Disorder
Steak
On a Bus
Life Begins
 Strawberries
 Mohel's Case
Jewish Alzheimer's
Mother on Jury Duty

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before... 
A Jewish Young Man
A Jewish Young Man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy
like you?"
Jewish View on When Life Begins
There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school.
The Mohel
 Two gentlemen are using the facilities at Grand Central Station in New York. One gentleman says to the other, "Are you from Borough Park?" The other gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?" The first gentleman says, "Do you belong to Temple Beth El?" The second gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how did you know that?" The first gentleman says, "Is Rabbi Yablonobovitz the mohel there?" The second gentleman exclaims "Yeah, how did you know that!?" The first gentleman answers, "Because he always cuts on a slant, and you're peeing on my shoe!"
Mensch
There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews.
One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only could the new rabbi see right through the brothers' deceptions, but he also spoke well and true about it. Due to the rabbi's honesty and integrity, the temple's membership grew in numbers. Eventually, a fundraising campaign was started to build a much bigger temple.
  All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new rabbi the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to complete the new building. He held the check for the rabbi to see.
 "I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a mensch. You must say those exact words."
After some thought, the rabbi gave his word and took the check. He cashed it immediately.
At the funeral the next day, however, the rabbi did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said about the dead brother. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family. Never once did he commit an unselfish act." He railed on and on about the deceased. After nearly a half hour of the evil truth, the rabbi paused and shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, "But compared to his brother, he was a mensch."
Abe Schwartz
I met a Chinese man who told me his name was Abe Schwartz. I told him he didn't look Jewish, to which he replied "I'm not." "So how did you get that name?" I asked. "Did your mother marry a Jewish man?" "Oh no, when I first came to this country and was standing on the immigration line, the man in front of me was named Abe Schwartz. When it came my turn, they asked me my name, and I told them 'Sem Ting.'"
Steak
What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?  Filet minyan.
Postage Stamp
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp."  Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?!"
Blessing before logging onto Internet
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: "Modem anachnu lach..."
The Cow
The only cow in a small twon in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.  The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approached from the back , she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they have gotten the cow. "You are truly wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Mohel's Case
Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
A: A Bris-kit........
Technical Term
Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is older than 8-days old?
A: A girl.
Strawberries
Three guys are about to be executed, and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, 'Peperoni Pizza,' which he is served and then he is quickly executed. The Frenchman requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then he is promptly executed.

 The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.
 STRAWBERRIES????
 Yes, Strawberries.
 He is told, "But they are out of season!"
 "So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."

Mother on Jury Duty
After 40 years, mother finally got her citizenship papers and proudly registered to vote. Well, Mother received a notice to report for jury duty, and to our surprise was not only selected for a jury but was elected the foreman. It was a criminal case. A husband had shot his wife's lover, but only grazed his arm. The jury was out for over four hours before returning. Everyone waited with bated breath as the judge asked my mother whether the jury had reached a verdict, Mother stood up, and firmly replied, "We have, your honor, we decided not to butt in."
Sweaters
My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one. As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't
like the other one?"
On a bus
On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to her little boy -- who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time the mother said, "No, no, talk Yiddish!" An impatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, "Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew?" Replied the mother; "I don't want him to forget he's a Jew."
Sleeping Disorder
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother.  I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast." The  psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"
Parole Board
Q. Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
Jewish Alzheimer's
Q: What's Jewish Alzheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt.
Gabbai
Canadian-Jewish urban legend says this really happened....
In the gantza Conservative shul in Toronto ("The Beth Tzedec") there once was a president who was a nice businessman but Jewishly, well, he was ritually-challenged. On Rosh HaShanah the gabbai offered him an aliyah; panicked, he said "No no no, I can't read the Hebrew blessings, I'll embarrass myself."
The gabbai said: "you HAVE to take some honor, you're the president!"
"Isn't there anything where I don't have to talk?"
The Gabbai thought for a minute and suggested "how about glila?"
"What's glila?" said the president?
"Simple," replied the gabbai, "you just come up after the Torah is lifted, and when the cover is put on, you put on the breastplate and the crown and then sit down."
Relieved, the president accepted the honor.
And so, right after hagba, the president came up, put on the breastplate and the crown, and went back to his seat.
 The gabbai came running over and said "NOT ON YOU, on the TORAH, on the TORAH!!"
Marriage Blues
Morris had asked Sol to help him out with the deck after work, so Sol just went straight over to Morris's place. When they got to the door, Morris went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Sol told Morris that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Morris said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Sol thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife Esther a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Sol was confused and asked why she was crying.

Esther said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Joshua fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Suddenly Single
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, were curious about the latest arrival in their building; a quiet, nice - looking gentleman who kept to himself.

 Shirley said," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."  Sophie agreed, and later that day at the pool she walked up to him and said, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."  "Of course I'm lonely, he said, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."  "You're kidding! What for?"
 "For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
 "What happened to your second wife?"
 "I shot her."
 "And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
 "We had a fight and she fell off a building."
 "Oh my," said Sophie.

 Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yelled, "Yoo hoo, Shirley! He's single!"

 
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