harry Leichter Jewish Humor
Jewish Humor 13
Pious Man
The Yekkie
Jewish Lawyer
Going for a Drive
Another Last Wish
Mother & Daughter
Knighted
Jewish Joke
Four Rabbis
Dating Game
Heavenly Marriage
Diamonds are forever
Waiter
High Tech
A Jew In Paris
Jewish Olympics
All in a days work
Three Jewish Bubbies

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Pious Man
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that G-d is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him."
Knighted
Recently, Rabbi Jacobawitz, the chief rabbi of England, was knighted by the Queen. As part of the knighting ceremony, Rabbi Jacobawitz had to kneel before the Queen, and as we all know Jews do not bow before anyone except Hashem.
 On top of that, he was told to recite a paragraph from the Christian liturgy during the actual knighting.
 The Rabbi was in a quandary, as this was being televised, but he could NOT violate the Jewish laws.
 The five honorees were lined up waiting for the Queen to receive them. As her royal
highness entered the room all kneeled, except for Rabbi Jacobawitz.
 The Queen noticed this, but diplomatically ignored it. Then, the Queen began knighting each person. When she came to Rabbi Jacobawitz, who still wasn't kneeling, she looked at him expectantly. Realizing she was waiting for the Latin recitation, he began to sweat and shake with nervousness.
 Then, in a fit of utter desperation, he said the first thing that came to mind: "Ma nish tana halilah hazeh!" The Queen, perplexed, turned to Prince Charles and asked, "Why is this knight different from all other knights"...
Going for a Drive
Sam Schwartz was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman.  Walking up to Sam's car, the Policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that" I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"
Jewish Lawyer
Bernie an old Jewish codger, was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business!" answers Bernie, "Get me the course!"
Four days later, Bernie got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill could be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please Bernie, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, Bernie said: "One less Jewish lawyer."
Three Jewish Bubbies
Three Jewish Bubbies were sitting around, drinking tea and talking about their grandsons' professions. One was a doctor, the second an architect, and the third a computer scientist. The Grandmothers got to arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor's Grandma said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect's Grannie did not agree. She said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist's Bubbie, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
The Heavenly Marriage
    There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by an Angel. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took the Angel aside and said, "Listen, my fiance and I am very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
    The Angel looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Hashem Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of Hashem, where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
    Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord G-d Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."
    Finally, they come before Hashem the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Sunday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful chupah in the main sanctuary. The reception will be on me!"
    The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moshe Rabeinu even brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Leah and Rachel were in the wedding party. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.
    So they made another appointment to see the Hashem, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a Rabbi up here in heaven; do you  have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
Diamonds are forever
Sally is flying out to meet her boyfriend. She falls asleep on the plane and dreams about this gorgeous diamond ring he'll give her. When she opens her eyes, she spots an even bigger diamond on the finger of Mrs. Goldstein, a matron sitting next to her. This is the mother of all diamonds, it is enormous, flawless, glittering...
'My, that's some diamond you've got there', Sally says. 'I've never seen anything like it.'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs. 'I know, my child. This is no ordinary diamond. It's the famous Goldstein diamond. But it comes with a terrible curse.'
'It does?' Sally moves to the edge of the seat. 'So what's the curse?'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs again. 'Mister Goldstein.'
Mother & Daughter
One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea.  "Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!!!  Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.   The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!!!"
Another Last Wish
Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Britisher and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters the hunter they can have one last wish.
"What's your last request?" he asks the American.
"I'd like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks the Brit.
"I'd like a have smoke on my pipe," which they let him do.
Then the chief asks the Israeli: "What's your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my rear end."
"Be serious," says the top cannibal.
"C'mon, you promised," says the Israeli.
"Oh, all right," says the chief, who delivers the requested kick. Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.
The American and Brit are furious.
"Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they demand.
Replies the Israeli: "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."
A Jew In Paris
    A little Jewish lady from the U.S., on holiday in Paris, enters a chic confectionery boutique, and says, "Vill you plizz give me a boxl ize-krim, if you dunt mind?"
    The clerk behind the counter straightens up and replies, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say 'ize-krim', ve say 'glace'."
    "Aw K", says Mrs. Ginsberg, "I'll hev a boxl glace. End if you'll plizz, hendle me also a peckidge cookiss end a boxl kendy."
    The clerk replies haughtily, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say 'cookiss', ve say 'pastilles'; and ve do not say 'kendy', ve say 'bonbons'."
    "Dot's fine", replies Mrs. Ginsberg, "put in de peckidge pastilles end also a boxl bunbuns. End if you'll dunt mind, repp it opp, I'll take it vit me."
    At that, the clerk draws herself up to her full five feet of height, looks Mrs. Ginsberg straight in the eye, and replies, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not schlep pekelach!"
Four Rabbis
    So it seems that these four Rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd Rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.  "Oh, G-d!" he cried.  "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!  Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
    It was a beautiful, sunny day.  As soon as the Rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
    So the Rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong.  So please, G-d, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the Rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
    The Rabbi is getting ready to ask for a "very big" sign, but just as he says "Oh G-d..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
    The Rabbi puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three, and says, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other Rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2!"
Jewish Joke
A man started to tell a joke at a party: "Two old jews were on their way..."
Suddenly he was interrupted by a sensitive guest.
"Why do so many jokes begin with Jews?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," apologized the story teller, "I'll start again.
Two old Chinese men were on their way to the Synagogue to see the Rabbi..."
The Yekkie
    A Yekkie was planning a train trip from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. He called the travel agent weeks in advance specifying exactly where in the train he wanted to sit, and indicated quite clearly that he wanted his seat to face in the same direction that the train was traveling.
    On the day of the trip, he arrived at the station well in advance of the departure time. All the arrangements were fine, except that his seat was facing in the wrong direction; opposite to the one that the train was traveling.
    When he arrived in Jerusalem, he called the travel agent, angrily complaining about the seat screw-up. After apologizing profusely, the agent asked him, "why didn't you ask the person who was sitting opposite you to switch seats?"
    "I would have" was the reply, "except that the seat was empty."
Jewish Olympics
After reading through the list of this year's Olympic events, it was found that the Olympic Committee has made some significant changes.  Some of the less-publicized events of particular interest to the world's Jewish communities, that you may have missed, may be the following:

Decathlon:
Commonly referred to as the world's greatest athlete, this year's decathlete is actually a minyan of ten daveners. Each member of the group will begin davening with ten volumes of Mishnah on his back.  Every minute, another volume will be added until a team member can no longer angle the body enough for a complete daven. While yeshiva buchers in Jerusalem are favored to win this event, other teams have promised not to bow down to the opposition - which could be a problem for this particular event. Oyga Vault:
A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition, the vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!" Synchronized Swimming:
Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has finished? Synchronized Tanning:
Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis. Team Handball:
The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two liter bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put competition. Triathlon:
This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be required to run the marathon. In addition to the aforementioned events, this year's Games will feature some experimental, non-medal competition: Bagel Toss:
A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah. Balance Beam:
The accountant or bookkeeper that balances my mother's checkbook in the shortest amount of time will be declared winner. Challah Chap:
How long does it take you to remove all the chometz from your house before Pesach?  In this competition, each participant must rid a miniature shul of all of its challot, and replace them with matzot. Dream Team:
This year's Dream Team will not consist of the USA's highly favored men's basketball team, but rather, an overpriced team of psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office visits to analyze and interpret the dreams of this year's Olympic hopefuls. Moyl Marathon:
Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark.  This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course. Naches Shlep:
Designed for bubbies and zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have two minutes to boast about their einiklach.

Rings:
No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three c's," color, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three s's," smile, sophistication, and simchas.

Dating Game
It seems Yankel was pushing 25 and he'd never been out on a date. His Rosh Yeshiva calls him into the office one day and says, "Yankel! 18 to the Chuppah!  What's going to be already?" Yankel blushes and explains to his Rebbe that he grew up in a house full of brothers, and he's never even spoken to a girl anywhere near his age. He doesn't know what to say to girls. Besides, it would interrupt his learning. The Rosh Yeshiva puts a fatherly arm around him and tells him "Don't worry about your learning, this is a Chiyuv with a capital ches.  And as for what to say, you can talk about her family, you can talk about what she likes, and if all else fails you can talk philosophy."

Yankel leaves the Rosh Yeshiva repeating under his breath, "Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy." Finally, the day arrives and he goes out on his first shidduch.

The young people sit down in the hotel lobby and look at one another uncomfortably. Yankel realizes that he's going to have to say something, and the first thing on the Rosh Yeshiva's list is family, so he blurts out, "Do you have any brothers?" "No." replies the girl, and silence reigns. Yankel thinks hard, and then comes up with, "Do you like baseball?" "No." is the immediate reply. Now Yankel is really at a loss. Ah yes! Philosophy! So Yankel leans forward, and very intently, in his best talmudic tones, asks "If you had a brother, would he like baseball?"

All in a days work
Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying "Please help the war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying "Please help a poor Jew."  People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by, gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any money?" and walks away. As he goes, the Jews turns to the other one and says: "Haim, he would teach US business..."
Waiter
Q - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"
Jewish Origin of High Tech
Q. What English language edition of Chumash is ideal for the Computer Age:
A. Hertz Edition

Q What is the large print copy called?
A. Mega Hertz Edition Q What is the large print edition of the Stone Chumash called?
A. Mega-lith Edition Chumash Q How are they now distributed?
A. As freeware: the five disks of Moses. Q. What is the most recently compiled edition of the Jewish Knowledge that help reconcile revelation at Sinia with the computer age?
A. "Torah for Dummies" available on CD-Rambam. Q. Why do we blow the shofar on the day of rememberance?
A. To recall the original ram memory. Q Why are we sure the computer was a Jewish invention?
A. Every keyboard has a scroll key.

Q. Why are we sure the Internet was a Jewish Invention?
A. Because Jews are known of their large nodes and we have been talking about the promised LAN for over 3000 years...

Great Beyond
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.  Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde who you miss so much!"

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom." Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton Pitzel's zayde?" Milty swallowed the lump in his throad and called, "Grampa? Zayde?" "Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered. "Yes!  Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?" "Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."

"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"

 
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