| Pious Man |
A pious
man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see
him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after
all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked
around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When
I got to be 90 I expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be
95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that G-d is very busy and must have
forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him." |
| Knighted |
Recently, Rabbi Jacobawitz,
the chief rabbi of England, was knighted by the Queen. As part of the knighting
ceremony, Rabbi Jacobawitz had to kneel before the Queen, and as we all
know Jews do not bow before anyone except Hashem.
On top of that, he
was told to recite a paragraph from the Christian liturgy during the actual
knighting.
The Rabbi was in a
quandary, as this was being televised, but he could NOT violate the Jewish
laws.
The five honorees
were lined up waiting for the Queen to receive them. As her royal
highness entered the room
all kneeled, except for Rabbi Jacobawitz.
The Queen noticed
this, but diplomatically ignored it. Then, the Queen began knighting each
person. When she came to Rabbi Jacobawitz, who still wasn't kneeling, she
looked at him expectantly. Realizing she was waiting for the Latin recitation,
he began to sweat and shake with nervousness.
Then, in a fit of
utter desperation, he said the first thing that came to mind: "Ma nish
tana halilah hazeh!" The Queen, perplexed, turned to Prince Charles and
asked, "Why is this knight different from all other knights"... |
| Going
for a Drive |
Sam
Schwartz was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman.
Walking up to Sam's car,
the Policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
Sam
replies, "Thank god for that" I'd thought I'd gone deaf!" |
| Jewish
Lawyer |
Bernie
an old Jewish codger, was critically ill. Feeling that death was near,
he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you
told me about?" "It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead
soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business!" answers
Bernie, "Get me the course!"
Four days later, Bernie
got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill
could be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned
over and said, "Please Bernie, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted
to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he
breathed his last, Bernie said: "One less Jewish lawyer." |
| Three
Bubbies |
| Three
Bubbies were sitting around, drinking tea and talking about their
grandsons' professions. One was a doctor, the second an architect, and
the third a computer scientist. The Grandmothers got to arguing about whose
profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all
the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor's Grandma said, "The medical profession is clearly
the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and
that was a simply incredible surgical
feat." The architect's Grannie did not agree. She said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the
Garden and the world were created. So God must have
been an architect." The computer scientist's Bubbie, who had listened to all
of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" |
| The
Heavenly Marriage |
There
was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to
be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They
found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by an
Angel. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took the
Angel aside and said, "Listen, my fiance and I am very happy to be in heaven
but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows.
Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
The Angel
looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven
wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Hashem Almighty
about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day,
the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of Hashem,
where they repeat the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I
tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back
and we will talk about it again."
Well
five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married,
came back. Again the Lord G-d Almighty said, "Please you must wait another
five years and then I will consider your request."
Finally,
they come before Hashem the third time, ten years after their first request,
and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry.
This Sunday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful chupah in the main sanctuary.
The reception will be on me!"
The wedding
went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moshe
Rabeinu even brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Leah and
Rachel were in the wedding party. But, you guessed it, the couple was married
but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they
just couldn't stay married to one another.
So they
made another appointment to see the Hashem, this time to ask if they could
get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at
them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a Rabbi up here in heaven;
do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?" |
| Diamonds
are forever |
Sally is flying out to meet
her boyfriend. She falls asleep on the plane and dreams about this gorgeous
diamond ring he'll give her. When she opens her eyes, she spots an even
bigger diamond on the finger of Mrs. Goldstein, a matron sitting next to
her. This is the mother of all diamonds, it is enormous, flawless, glittering...
'My, that's some diamond
you've got there', Sally says. 'I've never seen anything like it.'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs. 'I
know, my child. This is no ordinary diamond. It's the famous Goldstein
diamond. But it comes with a terrible curse.'
'It does?' Sally moves to
the edge of the seat. 'So what's the curse?'
Mrs. Goldstein sighs again.
'Mister Goldstein.' |
| Mother & Daughter |
| One
day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the
beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on
the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea. "Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, turning her face toward
heaven and shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children.
She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's
been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll go to the synagogue every day
for the rest of my life!!!! Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed
up and deposited the girl back on the sand. The mother looked
up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!!!" |
| Another
Last Wish |
Three hunters are out on
safari -- an American, a Britisher and an Israeli. They are captured by
cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief
tells the hunters the hunter they can have one last wish.
"What's your last request?" he asks the American.
"I'd like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a
zebra and serve the American his steak.
"What do you want?" the
cannibal chief asks the Brit.
"I'd like a have smoke on
my pipe," which they let him do.
Then the chief asks the
Israeli: "What's your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my rear
end."
"Be serious," says the top
cannibal.
"C'mon, you promised," says
the Israeli.
"Oh, all right," says the
chief, who delivers the requested kick. Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out
a gun, shoots the chief and a few other cannibals while the rest run away.
The American and Brit are
furious.
"Why didn't you do that
in the first place, so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they
demand.
Replies the Israeli: "What?
Are you mad? The UN would have condemned me as the aggressor." |
| A
Jew
In Paris |
A little
Jewish lady from the U.S., on holiday in Paris, enters a chic confectionery
boutique, and says, "Vill you plizz give me a boxl ize-krim, if you dunt
mind?"
The clerk
behind the counter straightens up and replies, "Madame, en Chez Marie,
ve do not say 'ize-krim', ve say 'glace'."
"Aw K",
says Mrs. Ginsberg, "I'll hev a boxl glace. End if you'll plizz, hendle
me also a peckidge cookiss end a boxl kendy."
The clerk
replies haughtily, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do not say 'cookiss', ve
say 'pastilles'; and ve do not say 'kendy', ve say 'bonbons'."
"Dot's
fine", replies Mrs. Ginsberg, "put in de peckidge pastilles end also a
boxl bunbuns. End if you'll dunt mind, repp it opp, I'll take it vit me."
At that,
the clerk draws herself up to her full five feet of height, looks Mrs.
Ginsberg straight in the eye, and replies, "Madame, en Chez Marie, ve do
not schlep pekelach!" |
| Four
Rabbis |
So it
seems that these four Rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and
three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd Rabbi
out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified
that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they
are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was
a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the Rabbi finished his prayer,
a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and
dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other
three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the
Rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right
and they are wrong. So please, G-d, a bigger sign!" This time four
storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud,
and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill."I told you
I was right!" cried the Rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had
happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The Rabbi
is getting ready to ask for a "very big" sign, but just as he says "Oh
G-d..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep, booming
voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The Rabbi
puts his hands on his hips, turns to the other three, and says, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the
other Rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2!" |
| Jewish
Joke |
A
man started to tell a joke at a party: "Two old jews were on their way..."
Suddenly he was interrupted
by a sensitive guest.
"Why do so many jokes begin
with Jews?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," apologized
the story teller, "I'll start again.
Two old Chinese men were
on their way to the Synagogue to see the Rabbi..." |
| The
Yekkie |
A
Yekkie was planning a train trip from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. He called
the travel agent weeks in advance specifying exactly where in the train
he wanted to sit, and indicated quite clearly that he wanted his seat to
face in the same direction that the train was traveling.
On the
day of the trip, he arrived at the station well in advance of the departure
time. All the arrangements were fine, except that his seat was facing in
the wrong direction; opposite to the one that the train was traveling.
When
he arrived in Jerusalem, he called the travel agent, angrily complaining
about the seat screw-up. After apologizing profusely, the agent asked him,
"why didn't you ask the person who was sitting opposite you to switch seats?"
"I would
have" was the reply, "except that the seat was empty." |
| Jewish
Olympics |
| After
reading through the list of this year's Olympic events, it was found that
the Olympic Committee has made some significant changes. Some of
the less-publicized events of particular interest to the world's Jewish
communities, that you may have missed, may be the following:
Decathlon:
Commonly referred to as
the world's greatest athlete, this year's decathlete is actually a minyan
of ten daveners. Each member of the group will begin davening with ten
volumes of Mishnah on his back. Every minute, another volume will
be added until a team member can no longer angle the body enough for a
complete daven. While yeshiva buchers in Jerusalem are favored to win this
event, other teams have promised not to bow down to the opposition - which
could be a problem for this particular event. Oyga Vault:
A sound-enhanced Pole Vault
competition, the vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting
the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered
a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy,"
such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or,
the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!" Synchronized
Swimming:
Taking place in an Olympic
sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what do these young
ladies do once their act has finished? Synchronized Tanning:
Following the Synchronized
Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe. Their routine
must include at least two rollovers as well as application of sunscreen
to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will
award additional points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number.
Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis. Team Handball:
The goal here is simple:
to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two liter bowl of
matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to
the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will
be used in the shot put competition. Triathlon:
This year's Triathlon will
involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must
cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating
this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If
the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified,
but will still be required to run the marathon. In addition to the aforementioned
events, this year's Games will feature some experimental, non-medal competition:
Bagel Toss:
A kosher version of horseshoes,
the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches
of the chanukiah. Balance Beam:
The accountant or bookkeeper
that balances my mother's checkbook in the shortest amount of time will
be declared winner. Challah Chap:
How long does it take you
to remove all the chometz from your house before Pesach? In this
competition, each participant must rid a miniature shul of all of its challot,
and replace them with matzot. Dream Team:
This year's Dream Team will
not consist of the USA's highly favored men's basketball team, but rather,
an overpriced team of psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office
visits to analyze and interpret the dreams of this year's Olympic hopefuls.
Moyl Marathon:
Each certified moyl must
run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is
the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course. Naches Shlep:
Designed for bubbies and
zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have two minutes to boast about their
einiklach.
Rings:
No longer part of men's
gymnastics, this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond
rocks on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three c's," color, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based
on the "three s's," smile, sophistication, and simchas. |
| Dating
Game |
| It
seems Yankel was pushing 25 and he'd never been out on a date. His Rosh
Yeshiva calls him into the office one day and says, "Yankel! 18 to the Chuppah! What's going to
be already?" Yankel blushes and explains to his Rebbe that he grew up in
a house full of brothers, and he's never even spoken to a girl anywhere near
his age. He doesn't know what to say to girls. Besides, it would interrupt
his learning. The Rosh Yeshiva puts a fatherly arm around him and tells
him "Don't worry about your learning, this is a Chiyuv with a capital ches. And
as for what to say, you can talk about her family, you can talk about what she
likes, and if all else fails you can talk philosophy."
Yankel leaves
the Rosh Yeshiva repeating under his breath, "Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes,
philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy." Finally, the day arrives and he
goes out on his first shidduch.
The
young people sit down in the hotel lobby and look at one another uncomfortably.
Yankel realizes that he's going to have to say something, and the first
thing on the Rosh Yeshiva's list is family, so he blurts out, "Do you have any brothers?"
"No." replies the girl, and silence reigns. Yankel thinks hard, and then
comes up with, "Do you like baseball?" "No." is the immediate reply. Now
Yankel is really at a loss. Ah yes! Philosophy! So Yankel leans forward,
and very intently, in his best talmudic tones, asks "If you had a brother,
would he like baseball?" |
| All
in a days work |
| Two
beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying "Please help the war veteran",
and the other holds a sign saying "Please help a poor Jew." People
pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any of them, give
to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by, gives money equally
to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you change your sign? Don't
you understand that nobody will give you any money?" and walks away. As he
goes, the Jews turns to the other one and says: "Haim, he would teach US
business..." |
| Waiter |
Q - What did the waiter
ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A - "Is ANYTHING all right?" |
| Jewish
Origin of High Tech |
Q. What English language
edition of Chumash is ideal for the Computer Age:
A. Hertz Edition
Q What is the large print
copy called?
A. Mega Hertz Edition
Q What is the large print
edition of the Stone Chumash called?
A. Mega-lith Edition Chumash
Q How are they now distributed?
A. As freeware: the five
disks of Moses.
Q. What is the most recently
compiled edition of the Jewish Knowledge that help reconcile revelation
at Sinia with the computer age?
A. "Torah for Dummies" available
on CD-Rambam.
Q. Why do we blow the shofar
on the day of rememberance?
A. To recall the original
ram memory.
Q Why are we sure the computer
was a Jewish invention?
A. Every keyboard has a
scroll key.
Q. Why are we sure the Internet
was a Jewish Invention?
A. Because Jews are known
of their large nodes and we have been talking about the promised LAN for
over 3000 years... |
| Great
Beyond |
| For
months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the
seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead
from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my mother,
may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your
zayde who you miss so much!"
Milton Pitzel
could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's
Seance Parlor, Milty
sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the
person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom." Madame
Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri,"
she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton Pitzel's
zayde?" Milty swallowed the lump
in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?" "Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice
quavered. "Yes! Yes!" cried Milty.
"This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?" "Milteleh,
I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon
the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen more questions did
Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So
now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question
I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when
did you learn to speak English?" |
| |
