Fees & Tips
|Back in 1889, Sid
and Leah's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to
buy a new one. Sid couldn't leave the farm because he was busy starting a
farming equipment business, so Leah took the train to the city to buy a bull.
If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she
and Sid would borrow their neighbor's wagon to go to town and pick up their
newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Leah found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents; but she was finally the successful bidder. Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleadedLeah. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband atelegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."
At the Telegraph office, Leah asked, "Mister, how many vords can I send to mine husband for a dime?"
"It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Leah pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's mine message:
|THE 10 SUGGESTIONS|
. .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert
where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is
no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were
not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked
very dehydrated when he delivered them.
The Ten Suggestions
|What are the main differences between orthodox,
conservative and reform???
At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a reform wedding, the rabbi is likely to be pregnant.
And at a reconstructionist wedding, the groom is likely to be pregnant.
|A woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare
her will and make her final requests.
She told her Rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the Rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
|Lying in the hospital bed, the dying
man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like
The Rabbi, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?" The man nodded to the affirmative, and the Rabbi handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message
upon the pad which he stuffed into the Rabbi's hands. Then, moments later,
the man died. After administering the last rites, the Rabbi left to break
the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the Rabbi handed
her the note. "Here were his last words. Just
before passing on, he wrote this message to you."
|A closed mouth gathers no foot|
guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have
for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Jewish guy requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES ????" asks the executioner...."But they are out of season!"
"So," he responds, "I'll wait . . . ."
middle-aged, wealthy Jewish woman has a heart attack. While on the
operating table she has a near death experience. She sees G-d, and asks
if this is it.
G-d says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
As she walks out of the hospital after the last operation she is immediately struck and killed by an ambulance.
When she arrives at heaven's gate, she sees G-d and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?"
"To tell you the truth," G-d replied..."I didn't recognize you."
How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light Bulb?
A. What is a light bulb?
Q. How many orthodox Rabbis does
it take to change a light bulb?
How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb?
|Choosing a Rabbi|
|The results of a computerized survey
indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes.
He condemns sins but never upsets anyone.
He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor.
He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor.
He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens.
The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work.
He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.
|'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychicks
Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidels.
The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight
In the kitchen the Bubba hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
And zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlech felt
While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt.
The clock on the mantlepiece away
More rapid than eagles his prancers
|Why Chanukah is better than Christmas|
| 10. There's no "Kathy
Lee Gifford Hanukkah Special."
9. Eight days of presents (well... at least, my son gets them.)
8. No need to clean the chimney.
7. There's no latke-nog.
6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
5. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."
2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
1. Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
|A little compact car smashed into the
rear of Cohen's Cadillac as he made a left turn.
The driver of the little car was furious. "Why didn't you putout your hand?" he demanded.
"What's the point?" shrugged Cohen. "If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my hand?"
|The doctor told Feltman, a condominium tycoon,
that he needed an operation.
He said, "Do you want a local anesthetic?"
Feltman shook his head. "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best use the imported."
|Fees and Tips|
|The rabbi gets the fees, but it's the mohel (circumcisionist) who gets all the tips!|
eldely Jewish couple on their way to a vacation in Hawaii, got into an
argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii. He was sure it
was Havaii, but she maintains that it was Hawaii.
As soon as they landed they asked the first person they saw, "Would you mind telling me the name of this island?"
"Havaii!", the man replied.
"Thanks", answered the man.
"You're Velcome," the man replied.
|"If I were Rockefeller," sighed the
Hebrew teacher, "I'd be richer than Rockefeller."
His friend asked, "What do you mean? How could you be richer?"
"I'd do a little teaching on the side."
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