| Bull |
Back in 1889, Sid
and Leah's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to
buy a new one. Sid couldn't leave the farm because he was busy starting a
farming equipment business, so Leah took the train to the city to buy a bull.
If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she
and Sid would borrow their neighbor's wagon to go to town and pick up their
newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious
at the livestock auction, and Leah found herself bidding on the last remaining
bull. It took everything she had but ten cents; but she was finally the successful
bidder. Unfortunately, the train home
was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just
once?" pleadedLeah. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband
atelegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the
street."
At the Telegraph office,
Leah asked, "Mister, how many vords can I send to mine
husband for a dime?"
"It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered.
Leah pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK,
here's mine message:
"COMFORTABLE." |
| THE
10 SUGGESTIONS |
| .
. .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert
where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is
no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were
not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked
very dehydrated when he delivered them.
The Ten Suggestions
1. I am the Lord thy G-d and thou shalt
have not too many other G-ds besides me.
2. Thou shalt make no graven images.
This is a major religion, not a shop class.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai
thy G-d in vain without the express written consent of Adonai
thy G-d. The name "Adonai thy G-d" is the sole property of Adonai thy G-d.
Any use of the name of Adonai thy G-d without the express written consent
of Adonai thy G-d is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by
Adonai thy G-d.
4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash
game and thy other appointments.
5. Honor thy single parent.
6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to
watch him die.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and
then run for office.
8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not
really applicable to car radios.)
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness
against thy neighbor when appearing before Judge Wapner.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's
wife, his servants, his flocks, or his power tools. |
| Differences |
What are the main differences between orthodox,
conservative and reform???
At an orthodox wedding, the mother of
the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride
is likely to be pregnant.
At a reform wedding, the rabbi is likely
to be pregnant.
And at a reconstructionist wedding,
the groom is likely to be pregnant. |
| Bloomingdales |
A woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare
her will and make her final requests.
She told her Rabbi she had two final
requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the Rabbi
exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit
me twice a week." |
| Hospital |
| Lying in the hospital bed, the dying
man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like
to speak.
The Rabbi, keeping watch at the side
of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would
like to say?" The man nodded to the affirmative, and the Rabbi handed him
a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and
I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering
his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message
upon the pad which he stuffed into the Rabbi's hands. Then, moments later,
the man died. After administering the last rites, the Rabbi left to break
the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the Rabbi handed
her the note. "Here were his last words. Just
before passing on, he wrote this message to you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which
read "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN HOSE!!" |
| A
closed mouth gathers no foot |
Three
guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have
for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Pepperoni
Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet
Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Jewish guy requests a plate
of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES ????" asks the executioner...."But
they are out of season!"
"So," he responds, "I'll wait
. . . ." |
| Heart
Attack |
A
middle-aged, wealthy Jewish woman has a heart attack. While on the
operating table she has a near death experience. She sees G-d, and asks
if this is it.
G-d says no,
that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to
stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed,
etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well
make the most of it.
As she walks
out of the hospital after the last operation she is immediately struck and killed
by an ambulance.
When she arrives
at heaven's gate, she sees G-d and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30
or 40 years?"
"To tell you
the truth," G-d replied..."I didn't recognize you." |
| Light
Bulb |
Q.
How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light Bulb?
A. What is a light
bulb?
Q. How many orthodox Rabbis does
it take to change a light bulb?
A. Change? Q.
How many conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Call a committee
meeting. Q. How many Reform Rabbis does
it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, anyone can change it
whenever they want. Q. How many Jewish Renewal
Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One if its an eco-kosher bulb
that isn't going to be lit from electricity using nuclear
power Two as
long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the
bulb Three,
one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change,
and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book
called "The Jew in the Light bulb ." Four,
same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications
of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience. Q.
How many Shlomo Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Gevaldt, its mamash such a
great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real
close, sing a niggun, listen to an ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitchak
story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning. Q. How many
Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 30. One to change the bulb
and 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing
the bulb. Q. How many Lubavitchers does
it to change a light bulb?
A. None, it never
died. Q. How many Breslover Hassidim
does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. There will never be
one that will burn as brightly as the first one.
Q.
How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb?
A. CHANGE! You vant to we should
CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!! |
| Choosing
a Rabbi |
The results of a computerized survey
indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes.
He condemns sins but never
upsets anyone.
He works from 8:00 AM until midnight
and is also a janitor.
He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes,
buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly
to the poor.
He is 28 years old and has preached
30 years.
He has a burning desire to work with
teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens.
The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time
with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously
dedicated to his work.
He makes 15 calls daily on congregation
families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always
in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply
send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too.
Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list.
In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have
faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and
got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks. |
| Night
before |
'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychicks
and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not
even the draidels.
The Menorah was set on the chimney,
alight
In the kitchen the Bubba hut gechapt
a bite.
Salami, pastrami,
a glessala tay
And zayerah pickles with bagels,
oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlech
felt
While dreaming of tagelach and
Chanukah gelt.
The clock on the mantlepiece away
was tickin'
And Bubba was serving a schtickala
chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand
baruchas,
Santa had fallen and broken his
tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay,
drei,
While Bubba was now on the herring
and rye.
I grabbed for my bathrobe and
buttoned my gotkes
While Bubba was busy devouring
the latkes. To the window I ran
and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted
my eyes.
Then he got to the door and saw
the Menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
I thought I was in
a goyisha hoise,
But as long as I'm here, I'll
leave a few toys." With much gesshray,
I asked, "Du bist a Yid?"
"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey
Claus, kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get
you a dish,
A guppell, a schtickala
fish."
With smacks of delight, he started
his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplah
gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a
few schnapps,
When it came to eating, this boy
was the tops. He asked for some knishes with
pepper and salt,
But they were so hot,
he yelled "Oy Gevalt."
Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose
from the tisch,
And said, "Your Kosher essen is
simply delish."
As he went to the
door, he said "I'll see you ater,
I'll be back next Pesach, in time
for the Seder."
More rapid than eagles his prancers
they came,
As he whistled and shouted and
called them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzak,
now Sammy,
Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe
and Mannie."
He gave a gesshray as he drove
out of sight:
"Gooten Yomtov to all, and to
all a good night." |
| Why
Chanukah is better than Christmas |
10. There's no "Kathy
Lee Gifford Hanukkah Special."
9. Eight days of presents (well...
at least, my son gets them.)
8. No need to clean
the chimney.
7. There's no latke-nog.
6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah
songs.
5. You won't be pressured to buy
Hanukkah Seals.
4. You won't see, "You're a Putz,
Charlie Brown."
3. No barking dog
version of "I had a Little Driedl."
2. No pine needles to vacuum up
afterwards.
1. Latkes are cheaper to mail
than fruitcakes. |
| Compact |
A little compact car smashed into the
rear of Cohen's Cadillac as he made a left turn.
The driver of the little
car was furious. "Why didn't you putout your hand?" he demanded.
"What's the point?" shrugged
Cohen. "If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my hand?" |
| Feltman |
The doctor told Feltman, a condominium tycoon,
that he needed an operation.
He said, "Do you want a
local anesthetic?"
Feltman shook his head. "Let's not pinch
pennies, doctor. Get the best use the imported." |
| Fees
and Tips |
| The rabbi gets the fees, but it's the mohel
(circumcisionist) who gets all the tips! |
| Hawaii |
An
eldely Jewish couple on their way to a vacation in Hawaii, got into an
argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii. He was sure it
was Havaii, but she maintains that it was Hawaii.
As soon as they landed they asked the
first person they saw, "Would you mind telling me the name of
this island?"
"Havaii!", the man replied.
"Thanks", answered the man.
"You're Velcome," the man
replied. |
| Richer |
"If I were Rockefeller," sighed the
Hebrew teacher, "I'd be richer than Rockefeller."
His friend asked, "What do you mean?
How could you be richer?"
"I'd do a little teaching
on the side." |
| |
