harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 15
Bull
Feltman
Differences
Night Before
Why
Light Bulb
Fees & Tips
Bloomingdales
Hawaii
Choosing
Suggestions
Closed Mouth
Richer
Hospital
Heart Attack
Compact Car
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before... 
Bull
Back in 1889, Sid and Leah's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Sid couldn't leave the farm because he was busy starting a farming equipment business, so Leah took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Sid would borrow their neighbor's wagon to go to town and pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Leah found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents; but she was finally the successful bidder.  Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just once?" pleadedLeah. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband atelegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street."
At the Telegraph office, Leah asked, "Mister, how many vords can I send to mine husband for a dime?"
"It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Leah pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's mine message:
"COMFORTABLE."
THE 10 SUGGESTIONS
. . .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments.  (The Eleventh Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he delivered them.

The Ten Suggestions
1. I am the Lord thy G-d and thou shalt have not too many other G-ds besides me.
2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of Adonai thy G-d in vain without the express written consent of Adonai thy G-d. The name "Adonai thy G-d" is the sole property of Adonai thy G-d. Any use of the name of Adonai thy G-d without the express written consent of Adonai thy G-d is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Adonai thy G-d.
4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.
5. Honor thy single parent.
6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.
8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing before Judge Wapner.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his power tools.

Differences
What are the main differences between orthodox, conservative and reform???
At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a reform wedding, the rabbi is likely to be pregnant.
And at a reconstructionist wedding, the groom is likely to be pregnant.
Bloomingdales
A woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her Rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the Rabbi exclaimed.  "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Hospital
Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak.

The Rabbi, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?" The man nodded to the affirmative, and the Rabbi handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the Rabbi's hands. Then, moments later, the man died. After administering the last rites, the Rabbi left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the Rabbi handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you."
The wife tearfully opened the note which read "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN HOSE!!"

A closed mouth gathers no foot
 Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
 The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
 The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
 The Jewish guy requests a plate of strawberries.
 "STRAWBERRIES ????" asks the executioner...."But they are out of season!"
 "So," he responds, "I'll wait . . . ."
Heart Attack
A middle-aged, wealthy Jewish woman has a heart attack.  While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees G-d, and asks if this is it.
  G-d says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live.  She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc.  She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
  As she walks out of the hospital after the last operation she is immediately struck and killed by an ambulance.
  When she arrives at heaven's gate, she sees G-d and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?"
  "To tell you the truth," G-d replied..."I didn't recognize you."
Light Bulb
  Q. How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light Bulb?
  A. What is a light bulb?

  Q. How many orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. Change?  Q. How many conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. Call a committee meeting.   Q. How many Reform Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. None, anyone can change it whenever they want.   Q. How many Jewish Renewal Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. One if its an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit from electricity using nuclear power    Two as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb    Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called  "The Jew in the Light bulb ."    Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.   Q. How many Shlomo Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. Gevaldt, its mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun, listen to an ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.   Q. How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. 30. One to change the bulb and 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.   Q. How many Lubavitchers does it to change a light bulb?
  A. None, it never died.   Q. How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. None. There will never be one that will burn as brightly as the first one.

  Q. How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb?
  A. CHANGE! You vant to we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!

Choosing a Rabbi
The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes.
He condemns sins but never upsets anyone.
He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor.
He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor.
He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens.
The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work.
He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.
Night before
'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychicks and maidels
 Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidels.
 The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight
 In the kitchen the Bubba hut gechapt a bite.
 Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
 And zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
 Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlech felt
 While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt.

 The clock on the mantlepiece away was tickin'
 And Bubba was serving a schtickala chicken.
 A tumult arose like a thousand baruchas,
 Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
 I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
 While Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
 I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes
 While Bubba was busy devouring the latkes. To the window I ran and to my surprise
 A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
 Then he got to the door and saw the Menorah,
 "Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
 I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
 But as long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."  With much gesshray, I asked, "Du bist a Yid?"
 "Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."
 "Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,
 A guppell, a schtickala fish."
 With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
 Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplah gegessen.
 Along with his meal, he had a few schnapps,
 When it came to eating, this boy was the tops.  He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
 But they were so hot, he yelled "Oy Gevalt."
 Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,
 And said, "Your Kosher essen is simply delish."
 As he went to the door, he said "I'll see you ater,
 I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the Seder."

 More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
 As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
 "Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzak, now Sammy,
 Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe and Mannie."
 He gave a gesshray as he drove out of sight:
 "Gooten Yomtov to all, and to all a good night."

Why Chanukah is better than Christmas
 10. There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Hanukkah Special."
 9. Eight days of presents (well... at least, my son gets them.)
 8. No need to clean the chimney.
 7. There's no latke-nog.
 6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Hanukkah songs.
 5. You won't be pressured to buy Hanukkah Seals.
 4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
 3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."
 2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
 1. Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
Compact
A little compact car smashed into the rear of Cohen's Cadillac as he made a left turn.
The driver of the little car was furious. "Why didn't you putout your hand?" he demanded.
"What's the point?" shrugged Cohen. "If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my hand?"
Feltman
The doctor told Feltman, a condominium tycoon, that he needed an operation.
He said, "Do you want a local anesthetic?"
Feltman shook his head. "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best use the imported."
Fees and Tips
The rabbi gets the fees, but it's the mohel (circumcisionist) who gets all the tips!
Hawaii
An eldely Jewish couple on their way to a vacation in Hawaii, got into an argument about the correct pronunciation of Hawaii.  He was sure it was Havaii, but she maintains that it was Hawaii.
As soon as they landed they asked the first person they saw, "Would you mind telling me the name of this island?"
"Havaii!", the man replied.
"Thanks", answered the man.
"You're Velcome," the man replied.
Richer
"If I were Rockefeller," sighed the Hebrew teacher, "I'd be richer than Rockefeller."
His friend asked, "What do you mean? How could you be richer?"
"I'd do a little teaching on the side."
 
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