| Non-kosher |
| One
day a rabbi decided to try pork without telling anybody. So he went to a non-kosher restaurant
and ordered the pork. Then, suddenly, a couple from his congregation
walked into the restaurant. The couple came over to the rabbi's table
and sat down. The waiter came out of the kitchen holding the pork
on a big plate with a apple in it's mouth and it was covered. The
waiter brought to the table and lifted up the cover. The rabbi said
" What a restaurant! You ask them for a baked apple and look what they
give you. |
| Very
Weak |
David called his mother
in Florida.
He said to his mother, "Ma,
how are you doing?"
She said, "Oy, not too good.
I've been very weak."
David then asked, "Why are
you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't
eaten in 38 days."
David then asked, "Ma, how
come you haven't eaten in 38 days.?"
She said, "Because I didn't
want my mouth to be filled with food when you called." |
| Million |
A man walked to the top
of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's
a million years to you?"
And G-d said, "A minute."
Then the man asked: "Well,
what's a million dollars to you?"
And G-d said: "A penny."
The man asked: "G-d.....can
I have a penny?"
And G-d said:
"Sure.....In a minute." |
| Driving Permit |
A
young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who
was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took
him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring
your grades up, study your Chumish a little and get your hair cut and we'll
talk about it."
After about a month
the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use
of the car.
They again went to the father's
study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you.
You have brought your grades
up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair
cut!"
The young man waited
a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know, Samson had long
hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Judah Maccabee
had long hair...." To which his father replied.... "Yes, and they
WALKED every where they went!" |
| Chanukah |
'Twas the night before Chanukah,
boychicks and maidels
Not a sound could
be heard, not even the draidels.
The Menorah was set
on the chimney, alight
In the kitchen the
Bubba hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami,
a glessala tay
And zayerah pickles
with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmack,
the kinderlech felt
While dreaming of
tagelach and Chanukah gelt.
The clock on the mantle
piece away was tickin'
And Bubba was serving
a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like
a thousand baruchas,
Santa had fallen and
broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers,
eins, tsvay, drei,
While Bubba was now
on the herring and rye.
I grabbed for my bathrobe
and buttoned my gotkes
While Bubba was busy
devouring the latkes. To the window I ran
and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka
greeted my eyes.
Then he got to the
door and saw the Menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder,"
he said, "Kenehora.
I thought I was in
a goyisha hoise,
But as long as I'm
here, I'll leave a few toys." With much gesshray,
I asked, "Du bist a Yid?"
"Avada, mein numen
is Schloimey Claus, kid."
"Come into the kitchen,
I'll get you a dish,
A guppell, a schtickala
fish."
With smacks of delight,
he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlach
and kreplah gegessen.
Along with his meal,
he had a few schnapps,
When it came to eating,
this boy was the tops. He asked for some knishes
with pepper and salt,
But they were so hot,
he yelled "Oy Gevalt."
Unbuttoning his haizen,
he rose from the tisch,
And said, "Your Kosher
essen is simply delish."
As he went to the
door, he said "I'll see you later,
I'll be back next
Pesach, in time for the Seder."
More rapid than eagles
his prancers they came,
As he whistled and
shouted and called them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris,
now Yitzak, now Sammy,
Now Irving and Maxie,
and Moishe and Mannie."
He gave a gesshray
as he drove out of sight:
"Gooten Yomtov to
all, and to all a good night." |
| Hilkhot
Listserve (Laws of e-mail postings) |
Internet Torah:
And thou shall never repeat
all that you heard just to concur or disagree, or my wrath will be severe
unto the third generation, yea, my wrath shall be great.
Rashi:
Kema shene'emar, 'all that
you heard' - This means never quote an entire usenet newsgroup message,
including headers. Rather, just add a few lines of your own.
Rambam: It is a precept not
to waste bandwidth. This teaches us the value of brevity. All those who
know this, yet waste bandwidth despite this well known fact, are ignoramuses
and are not to be trusted. R. Yosef Caro:
One must quote the name
and date, but must never quote the Internet transmission path, except on
HoShannah Rabbah. One must always quote the relevant part of the message,
and have it spaced five characters to the right. It is strictly forbidden
to quote more than you write.
It is strictly forbidden
to write less than 60 character lines. Writing lines that are over 80 characters
results in herem.
R. Moses Isserles' Mappah
One can be lenient on line
character length if it is denoted as being an HTML file. It is well known
that German Jews have the halakhically acceptable custom of never writing
lines _under_ 80 characters in length, but other Ashkenazim should avoid
this. |
| Catholic
School |
| A
ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything
from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence
of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic
school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he
walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression
on his face.
He went straight
past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two
hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk
and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly
cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and
worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior
continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy
walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight
to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she
saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed,
she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable
progress. "Was
it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and
said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "On
that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed
to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!" |
| The
Wall |
A journalist
assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing
Wall.
Every day when she looks
out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
So the journalist goes down to
the wall, and introduces herself to the
old man.
She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that
and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies,
"I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray
for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man.
I go home have a cup
of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease
from the earth." The journalist is amazed.
"How does it make you feel
to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man replies,
calmly: . . . "Like I'm talking to a wall." |
| The Will |
| A
Lebanese Arab emigrated to America sixty years ago and accumulated great
wealth. Upon his death the rich man's will stipulated that his hundred
million dollar bequest was to be divided equally among his three closest
friends: a Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew. There was only one small provision:
each of the heirs was required to deposit one hundred thousand dollars
in the coffin before it was lowered into the ground. This act, according to the
deceased's statement, was to prove their good faith while the will was
in probate.
As the coffin was about to
be closed for the last time, the Catholic quickly deposited his hundred
thousand dollars into the casket. The Protestant followed suit and placed
his hundred thousand dollars besides the Catholic's money. Then the Jew
reached into the coffin, withdrew the two hundred thousand dollars in cash
and replaced it with a check for three hundred thousand dollars. |
| Fauchur |
 Sadie
climbed the stairs of the porch to see Golda's the new fauchur that she
was using to fan herself with on such a hot day.
"Golda" Sadie said, "where did you get such
a beautiful fauchur?" "Down at Sammy's on the corner," Golda said.
So Sadie strolled down to Sammy's with great enthusiasm. When she
went into Sammy's dime store she looked around and found the section of
fauchurs.
Sammy came up from behind her and said "Sadie its so nice
to see you, can I help you with someting?"
"Yes, Golda said that
she bought a fauchur from you the other day." "How much is this fauchur?"
As she took one from the display and held it up for Sammy to see.
"Well that one is 50 cents," said Sammy.
"That's too much for me
to spend," said Sadie. "Well we have some right here for 25 cents."
Sadie picked one up and admired how pretty it was and said "I'll take it."
So off she went, back to show Golda the nice new fauchur she just bought.
She sat down next to Golda on the porch and took out her brand new fauchur
and started to fan herself. Immediately the fauchur broke in half.
She was furious and said she was going down to Sammy's and give him a piece
of her mind.
When she confronted Sammy she said "the fauchur you
just sold me not 30 minutes ago broke."
"Vat do you have to say for yourself?"
Nu, show me how you used the fauchur?" Sammy said.
"Vat do you mean,
I just fanned it back and forth in front of my face."
"With a 25
cent fauchur, you have to hold in front of your face and move your head
back and forth quickly, so you should not break it!" |
| If
Microsoft was Jewish |
- Instead
of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Verklemmt".
- When
you fill up your "C-drive", you will get a "Hard Drive is Schtopped" message.
- Hanukkah
screen savers will have "Flying Draydles".
- Your PC shuts down
automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
- CD-ROM's would
be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital
video bagels).
- Your "Start" button
would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
- "Abort, Retry,
Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already You're killing me!, You
vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!".
- When
disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be
instructed to "Remove
the cable from your PC's toukhes".
- Your
multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
- During
Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".
- "Microsoft Word"
would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".
- Microsoft
Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
- When
running "scandisk",
you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
- When
your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"
- A "monitor cleaning
solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that
it gets rid of the "schmootz" on
your monitor.
- After
20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloofy"
- Computer viruses
would now be cured with chicken soup.
- Solitaire
would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mah-Jong."
- Internet
Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right
corner.
- After your computer
dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
- You
would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
- "Year 2000" issues
are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
- Bill
Gates' official theme song would be "If I were a Rich Man."
|
| Eggs |
A
Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His
wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.
One day she was out and
his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside
he found 3 eggs and $2000.
When his wife came home,
he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents
to him.
She told him that every
time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty
years, only three bad sermones, that's not bad."
His wife continued......
and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1." |
| Hebonics |
Hebonics is the language
of many American Jews.
In Hebonics: Questions are
always answered with questions:
Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response:"How should
I feel?"
The subject
is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used
at the beginning:
"She
dances beautifully, that girl"
The sarcastic repetition
of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis:
mountains becomes shmountains; turtle becomes shmurtle. Sample usage
Comparisons:
English: He walks slowly
Hebonics: Like a fly in
the ointment, he walks.
English: Sorry, I don'
t know the time.
Hebonics: What do
I look like, a clock?
English: I hope things
turn out okay.
Hebonics: You should
BE so lucky!
English: I see you're
wearing one of the ties I gave you.
Hebonics: What's the
matter, the other tie you didn't like?
English: Anything
can happen.
Hebonics: Things are
never so bad that they can't get worse.
English: May
I take your plate, sir.
Hebonics: You've hardly
touched your food. What's the matter, somethings wrong with it?
English: It's
been so long since you've called.
Hebonics: You didn't
wonder if I'm dead yet?
English: Let's not go skiing,
let's go to the beach.
Hebonics: Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you? |
| Jewish
Food |
Latkes:
A pancake-like structure
not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In
a Latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs
and matzo meal. Latkes can be eaten with applesauce but NEVER with maple
syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a Latka
by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have
heartburn for the same amount of time.
Matzoh:
The Egyptians' revenge for
leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs
or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard.
Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for
a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon
after.
Kasha Varnishkes:
One of the little-known
delicacies, which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It
has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat
and bow tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow tie? Many sages discussed this
and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that ''You can't come to the
table without a tie'' or, G-d forbid'' An elbow on my
table?''
Kishka:
You know from Haggis? Well,
this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it.
Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with?
Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook
it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24
hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional
value left.
Kreplach:
It sounds worse than it
tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims it
began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims
it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or
soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother
or your mother-in-law who cooked it.
Cholent:
This combination of noxious
gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination
of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your
ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant
(kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just
had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: ''What! Do they serve leftover
cholent here too?'' My wife once tried something unusual for guests:
She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came
back.
Gefilte Fish:
A few years ago, I had problems
with my filter in my fishpond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled.
My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented ''Is that why we call
it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?'' Originally, it was a carp stuffed
with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of
small fish balls eaten with horseradish (''chrain'') which is judged on
its relative strength in bringing tears to your eye at 100 paces.
Bagels:
How can we finish without
the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods,
there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any. There
have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians
who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you
picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa.
They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take
the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the
plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the
hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis. |
| Two Beggars |
Two beggars
are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and
one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions.
People walk by, lift their noses
at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with
the cross.
Soon the hat of the man with the cross is overflowing with coins
and notes and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with
the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is
a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country
holding a Star of David."
The man
with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe,
can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business." |
| Marry a Shiksa |
A
Jewish boy is going off to college, and his father says to him: "Look, we've never been a religious
family, so I'm not expecting you to become suddenly religious. But
promise me one thing: You won't marry a shiksa."
The boy promises this and
assures his father that he won't.
Sure enough, his senior
year at school he falls in love with a non-Jewish girl. She loves
him too, but he tells her he can't marry her because she's not Jewish.
"Don't worry," she says.
"I'll convert."
After serious study, the
girl converts. They marry and go off on their honeymoon in Monaco.
Four weeks later, back at
home, Saturday morning at 8:00, the phone rings at their house. It's
the boy's father. He's livid.
"You know the last Saturday
of every month we go over the books at the office.
Why aren't you here?"
"I can't come," the boy
says. "My wife says it's forbidden. It's Shabbat.
We're heading off to shul."
"I told you not to marry
a shiksa," the father screams. |
|
revised 12 Apr 2017
|
