harry Leichter Jewish Humor
Jewish Humor 16
Marry a Shiksa
Hilkhot Listserve
Very Weak
Jewish Food
The Wall
The Will
Two Beggars
Driving Permit
Catholic School

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before... 
One day a rabbi decided to try pork without telling anybody.  So he went to a non-kosher restaurant and ordered the pork.  Then, suddenly, a couple from his congregation walked into the restaurant.  The couple came over to the rabbi's table and sat down.  The waiter came out of the kitchen holding the pork on a big plate with a apple in it's mouth and it was covered.  The waiter brought to the table and lifted up the cover.  The rabbi said " What a restaurant! You ask them for a baked apple and look what they give you.
Very Weak  
David called his mother in Florida.
He said to his mother, "Ma, how are you doing?"
She said, "Oy, not too good. I've been very weak."
David then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
David then asked, "Ma, how come you haven't eaten in 38 days.?"
She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"
And G-d said, "A minute."
Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
And G-d said: "A  penny."
The man asked: "G-d.....can I have a penny?"
And  G-d  said: "Sure.....In a minute."
Driving Permit
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Chumish a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
 After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car.
They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
 The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Judah Maccabee had long hair...."  To which his father replied.... "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
'Twas the night before Chanukah, boychicks and maidels
  Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidels.
 The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight
 In the kitchen the Bubba hut gechapt a bite.
 Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
 And zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
 Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlech felt
 While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt.

 The clock on the mantle piece away was tickin'
 And Bubba was serving a schtickala chicken.
 A tumult arose like a thousand baruchas,
 Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
 I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
 While Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
 I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes
 While Bubba was busy devouring the latkes.  To the window I ran and to my surprise
 A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
 Then he got to the door and saw the Menorah,
 "Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
 I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
 But as long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."  With much gesshray, I asked, "Du bist a Yid?"
 "Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid."
 "Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,
 A guppell, a schtickala fish."
 With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
 Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplah gegessen.
 Along with his meal, he had a few schnapps,
 When it came to eating, this boy was the tops.  He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
 But they were so hot, he yelled "Oy Gevalt."
 Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch,
 And said, "Your Kosher essen is simply delish."
 As he went to the door, he said "I'll see you later,
 I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the Seder."

 More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
 As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
 "Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzak, now Sammy,
 Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe and Mannie."
 He gave a gesshray as he drove out of sight:
 "Gooten Yomtov to all, and to all a good night."

Hilkhot Listserve (Laws of e-mail postings)
Internet Torah:
And thou shall never repeat all that you heard just to concur or disagree, or my wrath will be severe unto the third generation, yea, my wrath shall be great.

Kema shene'emar, 'all that you heard' - This means never quote an entire usenet newsgroup message, including headers. Rather, just add a few lines of your own.
  Rambam: It is a precept not to waste bandwidth. This teaches us the value of brevity. All those who know this, yet waste bandwidth despite this well known fact, are ignoramuses and are not to be trusted. R. Yosef Caro:
One must quote the name and date, but must never quote the Internet transmission path, except on HoShannah Rabbah. One must always quote the relevant part of the message, and have it spaced five characters to the right. It is strictly forbidden to quote more than you write.
It is strictly forbidden to write less than 60 character lines. Writing lines that are over 80 characters results in herem.

R. Moses Isserles' Mappah
One can be lenient on line character length if it is denoted as being an HTML file. It is well known that German Jews have the halakhically acceptable custom of never writing lines _under_ 80 characters in length, but other Ashkenazim should avoid this.

Catholic School

 A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face.

He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

The Wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall.
Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
    So the journalist goes down to the wall, and introduces herself to the old man.
     She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"
 The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man.
 I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."  The journalist is amazed.
"How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
 The old man replies, calmly: . . . "Like I'm talking to a wall."
The Will
A Lebanese Arab emigrated to America sixty years ago and accumulated great wealth. Upon his death the rich man's will stipulated that his hundred million dollar bequest was to be divided equally among his three closest friends: a Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew. There was only one small provision: each of the heirs was required to deposit one hundred thousand dollars in the coffin before it was lowered into the  ground. This act, according to the deceased's statement, was to prove their good faith while the will  was in probate.

As the coffin was about to be closed for the last time, the Catholic quickly deposited his hundred thousand dollars into the casket. The Protestant followed suit and placed his hundred thousand dollars besides the Catholic's money. Then the Jew reached into the coffin, withdrew the two hundred thousand dollars in cash and replaced it with a check for three hundred thousand dollars.


fanSadie climbed the stairs of the porch to see Golda's the new fauchur that she was using to fan herself with on such a hot day. 
"Golda" Sadie said, "where did you get such a beautiful fauchur?"  "Down at Sammy's on the corner," Golda said. 

So Sadie strolled down to Sammy's with great enthusiasm.  When she went into Sammy's dime store she looked around and found the section of fauchurs. 

Sammy came up from behind her and said "Sadie its so nice to see you, can I help you with someting?" 
"Yes, Golda said that she bought a fauchur from you the other day."  "How much is this fauchur?" 

As she took one from the display and held it up for Sammy to see.  "Well that one is 50 cents," said Sammy. 
"That's too much for me to spend," said Sadie.  "Well we have some right here for 25 cents." Sadie picked one up and admired how pretty it was and said "I'll take it."

So off she went, back to show Golda the nice new fauchur she just bought.  She sat down next to Golda on the porch and took out her brand new fauchur and started to fan herself.  Immediately the fauchur broke in half.  She was furious and said she was going down to Sammy's and give him a piece of her mind. 

When she confronted Sammy she said "the fauchur you just sold me not 30 minutes ago broke."
"Vat do you have to say for yourself?"
Nu, show me how you used the fauchur?" Sammy said. 
"Vat do you mean, I just fanned it back and forth in front of my face." 

"With a 25 cent fauchur, you have to hold in front of your face and move your head back and forth quickly, so you should not break it!"

If Microsoft was Jewish
  1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Verklemmt".
  2. When you fill up your "C-drive", you will get a "Hard Drive is Schtopped" message.
  3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Draydles".
  4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
  5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
  6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go!  I'm not getting any younger!" button.
  7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already You're killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!".
  8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's toukhes".
  9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
  10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".
  11. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".
  12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
  13. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
  14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"
  15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmootz" on your monitor.
  16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloofy"
  17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
  18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mah-Jong."
  19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
  20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
  21. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
  22. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
  23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I were a Rich Man."
A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house.  The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize.  His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal.
One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him.  He opened the box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000.
When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him.
She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermones, that's not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."
Hebonics is the language of many American Jews.
In Hebonics: Questions are always answered with questions:
Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response:"How should I feel?"
   The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning:
   "She dances beautifully, that girl"

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis:
mountains becomes shmountains;  turtle becomes shmurtle. Sample usage Comparisons:
English: He walks slowly
Hebonics: Like a fly in the ointment, he walks.

English:  Sorry, I don' t know the time.
Hebonics:  What do I look like, a clock?

English:  I hope things turn out okay.
Hebonics:  You should BE so lucky!

English:  I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you.
Hebonics:  What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English:  Anything can happen.
Hebonics:  Things are never so bad that they can't get worse.

English:  May I take your plate, sir.
Hebonics: You've hardly touched your food.  What's the matter, somethings wrong with it?

English:  It's been so long since you've called.
Hebonics:  You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?

English: Let's not go skiing, let's go to the beach.
Hebonics:  Mountains, shmountains!  Do I look like a sled to you?

Jewish Food
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a Latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkes can be eaten with applesauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a Latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heartburn for the same amount of time.
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after.
Kasha Varnishkes:
One of the little-known delicacies, which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that ''You can't come to the table without a tie'' or, G-d forbid'' An elbow on my
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: ''What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?''  My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.
Gefilte Fish:
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fishpond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented ''Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?''   Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horseradish (''chrain'') which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eye at 100 paces.
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel?   Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox.  Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye?  A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.
Two Beggars
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions.
     People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.
     Soon the hat of the  man with the cross is overflowing with coins and notes and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
     A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
   The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business."
Marry a Shiksa
A Jewish boy is going off to college, and his father says to him: "Look, we've never been a religious family, so I'm not expecting you to become suddenly religious.  But promise me one thing: You won't marry a shiksa."
The boy promises this and assures his father that he won't.
Sure enough, his senior year at school he falls in love with a non-Jewish girl.  She loves him too, but he tells her he can't marry her because she's not Jewish.
"Don't worry," she says.  "I'll convert."
After serious study, the girl converts.  They marry and go off on their honeymoon in Monaco.
Four weeks later, back at home, Saturday morning at 8:00, the phone rings at their house.  It's the boy's father.  He's livid.
"You know the last Saturday of every month we go over the books at the office.
Why aren't you here?"
"I can't come," the boy says.  "My wife says it's forbidden.  It's Shabbat.
We're heading off to shul."
"I told you not to marry a shiksa," the father screams.
revised 12 Apr 2017
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