| Jewish Test |
1.
There are no Jews living in:
a. sin
b. El Paso
c. trailer parks 2.
The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
a. do windows
b. make latkes
c. attend all bar
mitzvahs and weddings 3.
To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
a. gentle
b. housebroken
c. stuffed 4.
Jews spend their vacations:
a. sightseeing
b. sunbathing
c. discussing where they spent their
last vacation and where they'll spend the next 5.
A Jewish mouth never
a. lies
b. closes
c. contains gold
teeth 6.
If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are
a. up on the newest
styles
b. entitled to free
haircuts
c. not Jewish 7.
Wilderness means
a. no running water
b. no electricity
c. no hot and sour
soup 8.
The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
a. jogging
b. tennis
c. howling over the neighbors' lawn
ornaments 9.
Jews never drive
a. unsafely
b. on Saturdays
c. eighteen wheelers 10.
A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
a. Easter lilies
b. a crucifix
c. a Zippo lighter 11.
A Jewish skydiver is
a. careful
b. insured
c. an apparition 12.
Jews never eat at restaurants that
a. aren't kosher
b. cost too much
c. have paintings
for sale 13.
No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
a. become a prostitute
b. deface a synagogue
c. remove the back
of a TV set 14.
There is no such thing as a Jewish
a. black belt
b. obscene caller
c. toll collector 15.
Jews never sing
a. off-key
b. "Nel Blu di Pinto
di Blu"
c. around a piano
bar 16.
You won't catch a Jewish person on a
a. horse
b. backhoe
c. toot 17.
Jews are ambivalent about
a. vegetarianism
b. Jesse Jackson
c. absolutely nothing Scoring: Take 1 point
for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c". 39-51:
Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's
family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for
their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore
you. 29-38:
You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything
louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to. 17-28:
Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying
a Nathan's franchise. |
| New
Priest |
A
Jew converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first mass in front of
a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion.
At the end
of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes to congratulate him.
"Pastor Lewis," he said,"That was very
well done, you were just perfect.
But next time please don't start your
sermon with, "Fellow goyim..." |
| The
Captain |
In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy
put in to port in Catahegna, Spain for a week's shore
leave.
The first evening, the Captain
was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class
Spanish lady:
Dear Captain,
On Thursday, it will be my daughter's
coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, rich,
unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. One last point: No Jews---We
don't like Jews. Sure enough, at 8 PM on Thursday,
the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform,
four exquisitely mannered, wealthy BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the
floor, but pulling herself together she got out, "There
must be some mistake."
"Madam," said the
first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes." |
| Getting
Married |
A
Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak... "Father, I
am going to marry!"
His father begins to dance with joy
and sing Hava Nagila... "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the
father. "What is her name?"
"O'Brien" replies the son... "She's
Catholic..."
"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you
happy?"
"I'm happy," says the son..
"Ok...as long as you're happy.... my
blessings to you both," replies Moisha.
But the father is still counting on his
remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah...
Schlemiel calls on his father the next
evening, "Father... I too will be married soon!"
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance
and sings God's praises... "What is her name," implores the
father?
"Kazalopodopolous," says
the son.
"She's Greek Orthodox..."
"Oy," says Moisha... "But
are you happy?"
"I'm happy, father..."
"Ok... then you, too, have
my blessing,"
intones Moisha...Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to
pray..
"Please G-d... let my remaining son
Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise nice Jewish children in your
eyes ... PLEASE!"
Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly
and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"
"Her NAME? WHAT IS
HER NAME" his father immediately demands?
"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!
Moisha is beside himself
with joy!
"Praise God! Praise the
Prophets!"
Turning to Chutzpah, he
asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?
"No..." says Chutzpah...
"Hmmm," says Moisha... "Must be Attorney
Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?"
"Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah...
"Well, then, what is her first name,
my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?
"Whoopi." says
Chutzpah. |
| Kosher
Chicken |
The
CEO of Empire Kosher Chicken was visiting the rabbi of a prominent synagogue.
After talking for almost an hour, the CEO finally brought up the subject
he came to ask the rabbi about.
"Rabbi," he said, "I'm willing to give
this synagogue 5 million dollars. But before I do, I must also request that the
traditional blessing made over wine on the Sabbath be changed to a blessing over
chicken."
The rabbi was taken
by surprised by this request. He told the CEO, "For thousands of years, we have
been making the blessing over wine and now in one short moment - you want me
to go against this age-old tradition? I don't think
I can do this."
The CEO
was undaunted. "Rabbi," he said, "you drive a hard bargain. Allright, I will
give you 10 million dollars to do this, but not a penny more."
The rabbi looked at the CEO and, after
several moments, replied, "I will have to get back to you
on that."
The CEO left and
the rabbi promptly called a meeting of the board of directors of the synagogue.
After all the members arrived, the rabbi stood up to
speak. "Gentlemen, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The board knew something
big was up. The rabbi always began this way when a major task was being undertaken.
The rabbi continued. "We have just come into
10 million dollars!"
The board gasped
at the figure. The excitement was growing. The rabbi continued.
"That's the good
news. The bad news is - we just lost the Manischewitz account!" |
| The
Dig |
German scientists dug 50 meters underground
and discovered small pieces of copper. After
studying these pieces for a long time,
Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide
telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed.
They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found
small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000
years ago already had a nationwide fibre net. Israeli scientists were outraged.
They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient
Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones. |
| Keeping
Informed |
The
President turned to one of his advisors, who happened to be Jewish, and
asked, "How come Jews
are always so well informed?"
Advisor: "What do you mean
sir?"
The President: "It just seems that Jews
are always up on the latest news. How do they do it?"
Advisor: "An interesting observation.
It could be because when Jews go to the synagogue to daven (pray), they always
turn to the person sitting next to them and say "Nu?" (What's up?).
The President: "What? Is
it that simple?"
Advisor: "I think so sir."
President: "Well, let's put it to the
test. Take me to the nearest Synagogue."
The two board a limousine and are driven
to the nearest Synagogue. Once inside, the President sits down among the congregation
next to an elderly Jewish man. He looks around, then turns to the man and says
softly, "Nu?"
The elderly man leans toward him and
replies, "You know, I hear the President is going to daven with
us today." |
| A
Martian landed in Jerusalem |
The
people questioned him: "Are you really
a Martian?" "Of course." "Do all Martians look like you?" "Of course."
"Are you all green?" "Yes
we are." "Do you all have those antennae coming out of your heads?" "Certainly." "And
do you all wear those funny things on your heads?" "No. Not the Goyim!" |
| Morty
and Sam |
Morty and
Sam, not very religious men, are walking their dog by the temple on
Saturday morning.
Morty says, "lets go in. I hear they
have chopped liver at the Oneg Shabbat every Saturday."
Sam says, "they will never let us in
with the dogs.. "
"Just follow my lead," says
Josh.
Morty goes into the temple.
The Shammos says, "no dogs
are allowed."
Morty says, "it's my seeing
eye dog!"
The Shammos says, "ok, go
ahead."
Sam follows.
Again the Shammos says, "no dogs are
allowed."
Sam says, "it's my seeing
eye dog!"
The Shammos asks Abe, "this is your
seeing eye dog? A chihuahua!"
Sam looks startled and says, "is that
what they gave me?" |
| Marriage |
An
Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with
his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman.
"What's
new, Sara?"
"Why, it's nice to
see you again Avi," the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband
to the construction worker, and they speak for several
minutes.
After the mayor and
his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she
knows him.
"Oh," she said. "We
went together in high school. I even thought about marrying
him."
The husband began
to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today
you would be the wife of a construction worker!"
The wife replied
without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now
be a mayor!" |
| Time |
An
elderly Jewish lady approaches a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugs
on the sleave of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers: "Yes, Ich
Farshtay."
Elderly Lady: "Vot Time
is It?" |
| Hagbah |
True
Story: A certain person claimed that his father's departed soul returned
to this world every Shabbat, and attended synagogue services. Week after
week, he would call his father to the Torah, listening attentively to what
he claimed was the faint sound of his
father's blessing.
When word of this
reached the ears of Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky, zatzal, he smiled
and said, "Next week, tell him to give his father hagbah." |
| Ancient
People |
A
team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written on the wall of the cave were
the following symbols in order of appearance.
1.
A dog
2.
A donkey
3.
A shovel
4.
A fish
5.
A Star of David
They decided that
this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand
years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum
where archaeologists from all over the world
came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge
meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they felt were the meaning
of the markings.
The President of
their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks
like a dog.
We can judge that
this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have
animals for companionship.
To prove this statement
you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart
enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing
looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.
Even further proof of heir high intelligence is the fish which means that if
that they had famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would
take to the sea for food.
The last symbol appears
to be the Star of David which means they were evidently
Hebrews.
"The audience applauded
enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, I'm glad to see that you
are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little
old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every
word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple.
First of all, everyone
knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but
from right to left...
Now, look again.....
It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT
BITCH!" |
| At
Odds |
So
it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments and
three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3
to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart
that I am right and they are wrong!
Please give me a sign to prove it to
them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as
soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above
the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.
"A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I
knew it!"
But the other three disagreed, pointing
out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again "Oh, G-d,
I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong!" This
time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud,
and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby
hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that
nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for
a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh G-d...," the sky turned pitch black,
the earth shook,and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips,
turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the
other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2." |
| Jewish
Food |
Latkes:
A pancake-like structure not to be confused
with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a Latka, the oil is in
the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkes can
be eaten with applesauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in
the time of the Maccabees they lit a Latka by mistake and it burned for eight
days. What is certain is you will have
heartburn for the same amount of time.
Matzoh:
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery.
It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When
made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that
it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended
that you
eat a few prunes soon after.Kasha Varnishkes:
One of the little-known delicacies,
which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing
to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow tie
macaroni (noodles). Why a bow tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed
that some Jewish mother decided that ''You can't come to the table without
a tie or, G-d forbid An elbow on my table?'' Kishka:
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't
it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment
paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour,
and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent
(see below)
and let cook for 24 hours until there
is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value
left. Kreplach:
It sounds worse than it tastes. There
is a Rabbinical debate on its origins:
One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune
cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian
restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of
meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law
who cooked it. Cholent:
This combination of noxious gases had
been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of
beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs
and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant
(kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just
had his first taste of Mexican fried
beans: ''What! Do they serve leftover
cholent here too?'' My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She
made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came
back. Gefilte Fish:
A few years ago, I had problems with
my filter in my fishpond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son
(5 years old) looked at them and commented ''Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered
Fish'?'' Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture.
Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horseradish (''chrain'')
which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eye at 100
paces.
Bagels:
How can we finish without the quintessential
Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding
the bagel although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors
that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone
to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself
eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa.
They looked for something hard and almost
indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't
take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that
many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and
the dough is only there for emphasis. |
| Yankee
Fan |
Gotlieb
called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the
playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan. I've got to watch the
Yankee game on TV".
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's
what VCR's are for".
Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean
I can tape Kol Nidre"? |
| |
