harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 17
Time
Jewish Test
Morty and Sam
Keeping Informed
Martian
 Yankee Fan
Ancient People
Kosher Chicken
Hagbah
The Captain
Jewish Food
Getting Married
At Odds
The Dig
Marriage
New Priest

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before... 
Jewish Test

 1. There are no Jews living in:
  a. sin
  b. El Paso
  c. trailer parks

 2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
  a. do windows
  b. make latkes
  c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

 3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
  a. gentle
  b. housebroken
  c. stuffed

 4. Jews spend their vacations:
  a. sightseeing
  b. sunbathing
  c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next

 5. A Jewish mouth never
  a. lies
  b. closes
  c. contains gold teeth

 6. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are
  a. up on the newest styles
  b. entitled to free haircuts
  c. not Jewish

 7. Wilderness means
  a. no running water
  b. no electricity
  c. no hot and sour soup

 8. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
  a. jogging
  b. tennis
  c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

 9. Jews never drive
  a. unsafely
  b. on Saturdays
  c. eighteen wheelers

 10. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
  a. Easter lilies
  b. a crucifix
  c. a Zippo lighter

 11. A Jewish skydiver is
  a. careful
  b. insured
  c. an apparition

 12. Jews never eat at restaurants that
  a. aren't kosher
  b. cost too much
  c. have paintings for sale

 13. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
  a. become a prostitute
  b. deface a synagogue
  c. remove the back of a TV set

 14. There is no such thing as a Jewish
  a. black belt
  b. obscene caller
  c. toll collector

 15. Jews never sing
  a. off-key
  b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
  c. around a piano bar

 16. You won't catch a Jewish person on a
  a. horse
  b. backhoe
  c. toot

 17. Jews are ambivalent about
  a. vegetarianism
  b. Jesse Jackson
  c. absolutely nothing

 Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c".

 39-51: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you.

 29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to.

 17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying a Nathan's franchise.

New Priest
    A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion.
     At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes to congratulate him.
"Pastor Lewis," he said,"That was very well done, you were just perfect.
But next time please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow goyim..."
The Captain
In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy put in to port in Catahegna, Spain for a week's shore leave.
  The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:

  Dear Captain,
  On Thursday, it will be my daughter's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, rich, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. One last point: No Jews---We don't like Jews.  Sure enough, at 8 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door, which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, wealthy BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she got out, "There must be some mistake."

  "Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."

Getting Married
A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak... "Father, I am going to marry!"
His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila...  "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"
"O'Brien" replies the son... "She's Catholic..."
"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"
"I'm happy," says the son..
"Ok...as long as you're happy.... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah...
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father... I too will be married soon!"
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises... "What is her name," implores the father?
"Kazalopodopolous," says the son.
"She's Greek Orthodox..."
"Oy," says Moisha... "But are you happy?"
"I'm happy, father..."
"Ok... then you, too, have my blessing,"
intones Moisha...Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray..
"Please G-d... let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE!"
Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!"
"Her NAME?  WHAT IS HER NAME" his father immediately demands?
"Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!
Moisha is beside himself with joy!
"Praise God! Praise the Prophets!"
Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?
"No..." says Chutzpah...
"Hmmm," says Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?"
"Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah...
"Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?

"Whoopi." says Chutzpah.

Kosher Chicken
    The CEO of Empire Kosher Chicken was visiting the rabbi of a prominent synagogue. After talking for almost an hour, the CEO finally brought up the subject he came to ask the rabbi about.
"Rabbi," he said, "I'm willing to give this synagogue 5 million dollars. But before I do, I must also request that the traditional blessing made over wine on the Sabbath be changed to a blessing over chicken."
    The rabbi was taken by surprised by this request. He told the CEO, "For thousands of years, we have been making the blessing over wine and now in one short moment - you want me to go against this age-old tradition? I don't think I can do this."
    The CEO was undaunted. "Rabbi," he said, "you drive a hard bargain. Allright, I will give you 10 million dollars to do this, but not a penny more."
The rabbi looked at the CEO and, after several moments, replied, "I will have to get back to you on that."
    The CEO left and the rabbi promptly called a meeting of the board of directors of the synagogue. After all the members arrived, the rabbi stood up to speak. "Gentlemen, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
    The board knew something big was up. The rabbi always began this way when a major task was being undertaken. The rabbi continued. "We have just come into 10 million dollars!"
    The board gasped at the figure. The excitement was growing. The rabbi continued.
    "That's the good news. The bad news is - we just lost the Manischewitz account!"
The Dig
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After
studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Keeping Informed
The President turned to one of his advisors, who happened to be Jewish, and asked, "How come Jews are always so well informed?"
Advisor: "What do you mean sir?"
The President: "It just seems that Jews are always up on the latest news. How do they do it?"
Advisor: "An interesting observation. It could be because when Jews go to the synagogue to daven (pray), they always turn to the person sitting next to them and say "Nu?" (What's up?).
The President: "What? Is it that simple?"
Advisor: "I think so sir."
President: "Well, let's put it to the test. Take me to the nearest Synagogue."
The two board a limousine and are driven to the nearest Synagogue. Once inside, the President sits down among the congregation next to an elderly Jewish man. He looks around, then turns to the man and says softly, "Nu?"
The elderly man leans toward him and replies, "You know, I hear the President is going to daven with us today."
A Martian landed in Jerusalem
The people questioned him: "Are you really a Martian?" "Of course." "Do all Martians look like you?" "Of course."
"Are you all green?" "Yes we are." "Do you all have those antennae coming out of your heads?" "Certainly." "And do you all wear those funny things on your heads?" "No. Not the Goyim!"
Morty and Sam
Morty and Sam, not very religious men, are walking their dog by the temple on Saturday morning.
Morty says, "lets go in. I hear they have chopped liver at the Oneg Shabbat every Saturday."
Sam says, "they will never let us in with the dogs.. "
"Just follow my lead," says Josh.
Morty goes into the temple.
The Shammos says, "no dogs are allowed."
Morty says, "it's my seeing eye dog!"
The Shammos says, "ok, go ahead."
Sam follows.
Again the Shammos says, "no dogs are allowed."
Sam says, "it's my seeing eye dog!"
The Shammos asks Abe, "this is your seeing eye dog? A chihuahua!"
Sam looks startled and says, "is that what they gave me?"
Marriage
    An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman.
    "What's new, Sara?"
    "Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies.  She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.
    After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.
    "Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him."
    The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"
    The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor!"
Time
An elderly Jewish lady approaches a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugs on the sleave of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers: "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Elderly Lady: "Vot Time is It?"
Hagbah
    True Story: A certain person claimed that his father's departed soul returned to this world every Shabbat, and attended synagogue services. Week after week, he would call his father to the Torah, listening attentively to what he claimed was the faint sound of his father's blessing.
    When word of this reached the ears of Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky, zatzal, he smiled and said, "Next week, tell him to give his father hagbah."
Ancient People
    A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
                1. A dog
                2. A donkey
                3. A shovel
                4. A fish
                5. A Star of David
    They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
    They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they felt were the meaning of the markings.
    The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog.
    We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship.
    To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
    The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of heir high intelligence is the fish which means that if that they had famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.
    The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
    "The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
    Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple.
    First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...
    Now, look again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
At Odds
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments and three were always in accord against the fourth.  One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!
Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.
"A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!"
But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong!"  This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh G-d...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook,and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Jewish Food
Latkes:
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a Latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkes can be eaten with applesauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a Latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heartburn for the same amount of time.

Matzoh:
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you
eat a few prunes soon after.Kasha Varnishkes:
One of the little-known delicacies, which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that ''You can't come to the table without a tie or, G-d forbid An elbow on my table?'' Kishka:
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below)
and let cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left. Kreplach:
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins:
One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it. Cholent:
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: ''What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?'' My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back. Gefilte Fish:
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fishpond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented ''Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?'' Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horseradish (''chrain'') which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eye at 100 paces.

Bagels:
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it:   Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.

Yankee Fan
Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs.  Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan.  I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV".
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCR's are for".
Gotlieb is surprised.  "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?
 
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