Morty and Sam
There are no Jews living in:
The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
Jews spend their vacations:
A Jewish mouth never
If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are
The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
Jews never drive
A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
A Jewish skydiver is
Jews never eat at restaurants that
No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
There is no such thing as a Jewish
Jews never sing
You won't catch a Jewish person on a
Jews are ambivalent about
Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c".
39-51: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you.
29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to.
17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying a Nathan's franchise.
Jew converts and becomes a priest. He gives his first mass in front of
a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion.
At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal goes to congratulate him.
"Pastor Lewis," he said,"That was very well done, you were just perfect.
But next time please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow goyim..."
|In the mid 80's a cruiser of the U.S. navy
put in to port in Catahegna, Spain for a week's shore
The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from an upper-class Spanish lady:
"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."
Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak... "Father, I
am going to marry!"
His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila... "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"
"O'Brien" replies the son... "She's Catholic..."
"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"
"I'm happy," says the son..
"Ok...as long as you're happy.... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha.
But the father is still counting on his
remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah...
"Whoopi." says Chutzpah.
CEO of Empire Kosher Chicken was visiting the rabbi of a prominent synagogue.
After talking for almost an hour, the CEO finally brought up the subject
he came to ask the rabbi about.
"Rabbi," he said, "I'm willing to give this synagogue 5 million dollars. But before I do, I must also request that the traditional blessing made over wine on the Sabbath be changed to a blessing over chicken."
The rabbi was taken by surprised by this request. He told the CEO, "For thousands of years, we have been making the blessing over wine and now in one short moment - you want me to go against this age-old tradition? I don't think I can do this."
The CEO was undaunted. "Rabbi," he said, "you drive a hard bargain. Allright, I will give you 10 million dollars to do this, but not a penny more."
The rabbi looked at the CEO and, after several moments, replied, "I will have to get back to you on that."
The CEO left and the rabbi promptly called a meeting of the board of directors of the synagogue. After all the members arrived, the rabbi stood up to speak. "Gentlemen, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The board knew something big was up. The rabbi always began this way when a major task was being undertaken. The rabbi continued. "We have just come into 10 million dollars!"
The board gasped at the figure. The excitement was growing. The rabbi continued.
"That's the good news. The bad news is - we just lost the Manischewitz account!"
|German scientists dug 50 meters underground
and discovered small pieces of copper. After
studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
President turned to one of his advisors, who happened to be Jewish, and
asked, "How come Jews
are always so well informed?"
Advisor: "What do you mean sir?"
The President: "It just seems that Jews are always up on the latest news. How do they do it?"
Advisor: "An interesting observation. It could be because when Jews go to the synagogue to daven (pray), they always turn to the person sitting next to them and say "Nu?" (What's up?).
The President: "What? Is it that simple?"
Advisor: "I think so sir."
President: "Well, let's put it to the test. Take me to the nearest Synagogue."
The two board a limousine and are driven to the nearest Synagogue. Once inside, the President sits down among the congregation next to an elderly Jewish man. He looks around, then turns to the man and says softly, "Nu?"
The elderly man leans toward him and replies, "You know, I hear the President is going to daven with us today."
|A Martian landed in Jerusalem|
people questioned him: "Are you really
a Martian?" "Of course." "Do all Martians look like you?" "Of course."
"Are you all green?" "Yes we are." "Do you all have those antennae coming out of your heads?" "Certainly." "And do you all wear those funny things on your heads?" "No. Not the Goyim!"
|Morty and Sam|
Sam, not very religious men, are walking their dog by the temple on
Morty says, "lets go in. I hear they have chopped liver at the Oneg Shabbat every Saturday."
Sam says, "they will never let us in with the dogs.. "
"Just follow my lead," says Josh.
Morty goes into the temple.
The Shammos says, "no dogs are allowed."
Morty says, "it's my seeing eye dog!"
The Shammos says, "ok, go ahead."
Again the Shammos says, "no dogs are allowed."
Sam says, "it's my seeing eye dog!"
The Shammos asks Abe, "this is your seeing eye dog? A chihuahua!"
Sam looks startled and says, "is that what they gave me?"
Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with
his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman.
"What's new, Sara?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.
After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.
"Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him."
The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"
The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor!"
elderly Jewish lady approaches a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugs
on the sleave of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers: "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Elderly Lady: "Vot Time is It?"
Story: A certain person claimed that his father's departed soul returned
to this world every Shabbat, and attended synagogue services. Week after
week, he would call his father to the Torah, listening attentively to what
he claimed was the faint sound of his
When word of this reached the ears of Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky, zatzal, he smiled and said, "Next week, tell him to give his father hagbah."
team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they felt were the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog.
We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship.
To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of heir high intelligence is the fish which means that if that they had famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
"The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple.
First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...
Now, look again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments and
three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3
to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!
Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved.
"A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!"
But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh G-d...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook,and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a Latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkes can be eaten with applesauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a Latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heartburn for the same amount of time.
called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the
playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan. I've got to watch the
Yankee game on TV".
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCR's are for".
Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?
Israeli History in a Nutshell
World Wide Jewish Publications
History of Israel
All Things Jewish
Jewish Communities of the World