harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 18
Moses
Deliverance
Mischievous
ESTHER
 Jewish Fly
Andromeda
Watch It!
Story of Purim
The Wristwatch
  If Bill Gates were Jewish  

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before..
Mischievous

    There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.
    Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
    Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed.
    The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger to the rabbi.
    The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is G-d?"
    The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing.
    Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is G-d?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.
    A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is G-d?"
    The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
    The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. G-d is missing and they think we did it !!!"
Andromeda
A man is walking down the street in Tampa when a beautiful woman appears out of nowhere right in front of him . . .completely nude with green skin.
Stunned, the man starts to speak with her.
  "Excuse me, but I'm amazed that you just popped out of thin air.  How did you do that?"
  "Oh" says the woman, "I'm from Andromeda, in what you call 'Outer Space.'"
  "Andromeda?" says the man.   "I can't believe it.   Do all the women on Andromeda have green skin like you?"
  "Yes.   Everyone is green on Andromeda" replys the woman.
  The man continues to stare and speak.   "Excuse me for asking, but I can't help but notice that you have 12 toes on each foot.   Here on Earth we all have five toes on each foot.   Do all Andromedans have 12 toes on each foot?"
"Yes" replies the woman.  "Everyone on Andromeda has 12 toes on each foot."
  "And forgive me for saying, but it's hard not to notice that you have three breasts.   All Earthwomen have only two breasts.   Do all Andromedans have three breasts?"
  "Yes" replies the woman.  "Everyone on Andromeda has three breasts."
  "Please, may I ask you one more question?" the man states.
  "Sure" replies the woman.
  "I also can't help notice that on each of your hands you have seven fingers and on each finger you have a large diamond.   Here on Earth diamonds are very rare and valuable.   Do all the Andromedan women have diamonds on their fingers?"
  "Well. . ." the woman answers "not the goyim."
Watch It!
    A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
    They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive ... She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries   t....."Watch out for the wall!!!"
Deliverance
It is teeming rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.  With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you!  The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."  Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house.  A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you!  The water level is getting dangerous."  The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."  The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house.  A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up!  You're in terrible danger!"  The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."  The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns.  He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand.  I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need.  Where were you?"
And the Lord answered, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"
If Bill Gates were Jewish
  1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklempt."
  2. When you fill up your "C-drive," you will get a "Hard Drive is Shtupped" message.
  3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels".
  4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
  5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVBs (digital video bagels).
  6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
  7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -You're killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn't hear that!"
  8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis."
  9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".
11. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz."
12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that".
13. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"
15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."
17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo" or "Mah-Jong."
19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
21. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
22. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I Were a Rich Man."
ESTHER

Chapter I
And it came to pass in the third year of the reign of Achashverosh, King of Persia, that the King threw a great party.  And it was during that party, that the King became intoxicated and called for his wife Vashti to come dance naked in front of the  guests.  Now, Vashti was a liberated woman, and was not at all ashamed to display her body in public ("my body, my choice," she used to say).  But she was certainly not going to do so at the behest of a male chauvinist like her husband.  So she refused to appear, and the following morning, in addition to a major hangover, Achashverosh had one royal-size sexual harassment suit waiting for him. Public opinion quickly turned against the King, and he was forced to settle out of court for an undisclosed sum of money.

Chapter II
It was after those events that the King missed Vashti, and wanted to find a new wife.  He consulted his inner circle of advisors, which, in accordance with multi-cultural practices, consisted of, among others, one woman, one Indian, one Ethiopian, and one handicapped person, who was also rumored to be gay.  One of his advisors, Memoochan, suggested holding a beauty contest, attended by all the fairest maidens in the land.  But his female advisor informed him that Memoochan was a Neanderthal living in the dark ages, and that beauty contests where men gawk at women walking around in swimsuits had long ago gone out of fashion.  Instead, she suggested giving a test in such subjects as physics, literature and music, and the most intelligent woman would be made queen.  And the King, already lagging in the public opinion polls, had no choice, and he said to make it so.

Now is just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a young Jewish girl named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more importantly, had a 195 IQ.  Having successfully sued her parents for termination of custody, she had been living with her uncle Mordechai. Esther aced the test and was chosen to be the new queen.  Only, the homosexual community objected the word "queen", and the feminists didn't like the whole gender- based title thing, so it was decided that she would just be called "Royal Person."  So Esther was crowned Royal Person of Persia and was married to King Achashverosh, though she kept her own last name.   And being that Esther was an intelligent woman in her own right, and had no intention whatsoever of sitting quietly next to the King looking pretty, she was given her own staff of 15 and an office in the west wing of the palace.

Chapter III
It was after those events that King Achashverosh elevated his advisor Haman to be his chief advisor.  There were some protests by the African-Persian community because he hadn't selected an African Persian to be his top advisor, but the appointment went through anyway.  It turned out the Haman was a big anti-Semite, and he asked the King's permission to kill all the Jews, which he got.  So Haman sent out a proclamation to all the lands in the kingdom outlining his plan. Distressed, the Jews sought a court-issued injunction to stop Haman from sending it.  But Haman was defended by the head of the Persian Civil Liberties Union, who ironically was also Jewish, and who claimed that the injunction would violate Haman's right to free speech.  And the injunction was not issued, so the proclamation was sent.

Chapter IV
And Mordechai knew of all that had happened, and he donned a black ribbon as a sign of morning.  And Esther sent a messenger to Mordechai to console him, but he would not be consoled.  Then Mordechai sent word back to Esther that she should go the King and ask him to stop the impending killing of all the Jews.  Esther replied that other social issues, such as the environment and harassment in the workplace were more pressing, but Mordechai persuaded her as to the urgency of the matter, and she agreed.

Mordechai suggested calling all the Jews to synagogue for three days of fasting and prayers, but Esther thought that was way outdated, and instead called for a non-denominational candlelight vigil, and it was so.

Chapter V
And it came to pass on the third day that Esther put on her smartest business suit and went to see the King.  The King offered Esther up to half his assets, which he was actually required to give her anyway, based on their pre-nup.  Esther told the King that she had come to invite him and Haman to a big party she was throwing the next day.  The King was very excited, and both he and Haman showed up to Royal Person Esther's party.

The King, for his part, was careful not to violate the out-of-court settlement he had made with Vashti, and there was none of that "dance naked" stuff that night.  The party was a big hit, with performances by Fleetwood Mac and crowd favorite Barbara Streissand.  And Esther informed the King that both he and Haman were also invited to her next party, being thrown the following day on Martha's Vineyard.  Upon leaving the party, Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai, which ruined his night. Haman's wife advised Haman to build a gallows 50 amot tall and ask the King to have Mordechai hanged the next day.  She further advised him to quit referring to her as "Haman's Wife."  And he built the gallows.

Chapter VI
That night, the King had trouble sleeping.  He called for his servants to bring him a video to watch, but since having gotten rid of all his stag films as part of his sensitivity training following the Vashti debacle, all they had left were a bunch of movies filmed in Montana and produced by Robert Redford.  So they brought him the royal archives instead, and there he read that Mordechai had done him a big favor a few years back.  Just then, Haman came in, and the King asked him what to do for someone to whom he owed a favor.  Haman suggested maybe an ambassadorship to some insignificant but warm-climate country, or maybe letting him spend a night in the palace's "Lincoln Bedroom."  But the King decided to have Haman lead Mordechai around on a horse throughout the streets of Shushan.  However, the animal rights activists got wind of the King's plan, and they went nuts, so it was decided that Haman would just lead Mordechai around on foot. And it was so.  When he was done leading Mordechai around, Haman walked home, despondent.  But no sooner had he returned home than the King's messengers arrived to bring him to Esther's second party.  Haman's wife realized that her husband was doomed and commented that she had always known he would never amount to anything.

Chapter VII
  And the King and Haman came to drink with Royal Person Esther.  And it was during the party that Esther shocked the King by telling him that someone in that very room was plotting to kill her and all the other Jews.
  "Who is that man?" yelled the King.  To which Esther replied "What makes you so sure it's a man?  You don't think that a women is capable of killing all the Jewish people?"  After an awkward silence, Esther told the King that is was, in fact, a man, and it was none other than his chief advisor Haman!
  The King stormed out in a fit a rage and meanwhile Haman begged at Esther's feet for her to spare his life.  He told her how he had grown up in a broken home, was raised by a crack-selling mother and had never had a normal childhood.  Esther declared Haman to be a product of society's failure to protect its children.  So Haman's crime of "attempted genocide" was reduced to "issuing proclamations without a license" and he was given the relatively light sentence of five-to-seven years.  After serving just two years of that sentence, he was given time off for good behavior and paroled.  And the following year, the residents of Shushan elected Haman as their mayor, his being a felon notwithstanding.  Meanwhile, Esther convinced the King to come to terms with his anger and latent feelings of hostility towards women, and the King entered a 12-step program and when he was through, his anger had subsided.

Chapter VIII
That day, the King gave Esther Haman's house, and she told the King that Mordechai was her uncle.  And Mordechai asked the King's permission for the Jews to rise up and kill their enemies.  But Esther would have no such thing, and instead, she arranged for a dialog between the Jewish leaders and the leaders of the people of Shushan.  And while they couldn't overcome all their differences, they did agree to joint-author a letter of mutual acceptance and tolerance.

Chapter IX
And in the twelfth month, the month of Adar, on the day when the Jews were supposed to have been exterminated, the Jews held a three-day conference of the Leaders of Jewish Organizations.  And during that conference, they agreed that a holiday should be established-the holiday of Purim.  A holiday of charity and gift-giving.  A holiday of brotherly love.  A holiday where alternate-side-of-the-street parking rules would be suspended.  A holiday where Jewish kids could dress up like Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and not have to feel that they had missed out on something by not celebrating Halloween.  And a proclamation was sent out to all the King's lands, in all 127 languages, plus Ebonics.  And the Jews were careful not to mention G-d's name, lest any of the gentiles be Offended.

Chapter X
And King Achashverosh-the kinder and gentler King Achashverosh-levied a tax across the land, to raise money to pay for welfare and public television.  And the great deeds of Royal Person Esther and her uncle Mordechai were duly recorded in the annals of Persia.

Moses
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of saltwater.  Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints
of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.  Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand.  They and their descendants had to be always present at every seder meal that would be established in the future to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story.  When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their command which became the name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
Story of Purim
Top Ten Ways the Story of Purim Would be Different if it Occurred Today
10. Vashti relieved that king calls her to dance naked and not one of his sleazy girl friends.
9. Story ends with Mordechai and Haman signing historic peace treaty on White House lawn.
8. Bigtan and Teresh caught trying to return rental van used in assassination attempt.
7. Haman's children finally killed by lethal injection after lengthy appeals process
6. Jews required to drink 'till they no longer know the difference between Pat Buchanan and Al Sharpton.
5. In addition to Mishloach Manot and Matanot L'Evyonim, Megillah institutes No Alternate Side-Of-The-Street Parking.
4. Like Esther might ever agree to marry one of those slimy Ayatollahs.
3. Instead of calling national fast day, Rabbis hold ill-attended rally in front of Persian embassy.
2. Haman forced to share funds with rival extremist group, Hezbollah.
1. Rav Shach orders followers not to fight Haman, 'cause having the Jewish community saved by a woman just isn't halachically acceptable.'
THE WRISTWATCH
 Yaakov, an up-and-coming Jewish inventor, is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Yaakov sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
 "It's a quarter to six," he says.
 "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
  Yaakov brightens a little.
 "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 50 largest cities. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere
 on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Yaakov continues "I've put in regional
 accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
 "That's not all," says Yaakov. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.
 "The flashing dot shows our location by G.P.S. global satellite positioning," explains Yaakov. "View recede ten," Yaakov says, and the display changes to show eastern New York State.
 "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
 "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Yaakov.
 "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
 "No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
 "I'll give you $1000 for it!"
 "Oh, no, I've already spent more than"
 "I'll give you $5000 for it!"
 "But it's just not "
 "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Yaakov stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another
 one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.
 "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
  Take it or leave it."
 Yaakov abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
 "Hey, wait a minute," calls Yaakov after the stranger, who turns around warily. Yaakov points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
 "Don't forget your batteries."
Jewish Fly
Guy Offers to Buy a Drink for a Gal at a Bar and She Says Ok.
The Guy Goes to the End of the Bar and Whispers to the Bartender to Make up a
Martini for the Gal and to Put
Some Spanish-fly in the Drink.
The Bartender Whispers Back and Says He's All out of
Spanish-fly and All He Has Left Is Jewish-fly.
The Guy Says to Put Some of That in Her Drink.
As She Sips on the Drink She Gets More and More
Cozy and Warm Tothe Guy
And When She Finishes the Drink She Leans over to the Guy and
Whispers in His Ear,
..."Let's Go Shopping"
 
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