Story of Purim
|If Bill Gates were Jewish|
There were two young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.
Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
Hearing about a rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed.
The mother went to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger to the rabbi.
The rabbi sat the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is G-d?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing.
Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is G-d?" Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you, where is G-d?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble?'"
His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. G-d is missing and they think we did it !!!"
| A man is walking down the street in Tampa when a beautiful woman appears out
of nowhere right in front of him . . .completely nude with green skin.
Stunned, the man starts to speak with her.
"Excuse me, but I'm amazed that you just popped out of thin air. How did you do that?"
"Oh" says the woman, "I'm from Andromeda, in what you call 'Outer Space.'"
"Andromeda?" says the man. "I can't believe it. Do all the women on Andromeda have green skin like you?"
"Yes. Everyone is green on Andromeda" replys the woman.
The man continues to stare and speak. "Excuse me for asking, but I can't help but notice that you have 12 toes on each foot. Here on Earth we all have five toes on each foot. Do all Andromedans have 12 toes on each foot?"
"Yes" replies the woman. "Everyone on Andromeda has 12 toes on each foot."
"And forgive me for saying, but it's hard not to notice that you have three breasts. All Earthwomen have only two breasts. Do all Andromedans have three breasts?"
"Yes" replies the woman. "Everyone on Andromeda has three breasts."
"Please, may I ask you one more question?" the man states.
"Sure" replies the woman.
"I also can't help notice that on each of your hands you have seven fingers and on each finger you have a large diamond. Here on Earth diamonds are very rare and valuable. Do all the Andromedan women have diamonds on their fingers?"
"Well. . ." the woman answers "not the goyim."
funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying
the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive ... She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries t....."Watch out for the wall!!!"
is teeming rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the
rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including
that of the local Rabbi. With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with
police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The
water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!" The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"
And the Lord answered, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"
|If Bill Gates were Jewish|
| 1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would
2. When you fill up your "C-drive," you will get a "Hard Drive is Shtupped" message.
3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels".
4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVBs (digital video bagels).
6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -You're killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn't hear that!"
8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis."
9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".
11. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz."
12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that".
13. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"
15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."
17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo" or "Mah-Jong."
19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
21. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
22. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I Were a Rich Man."
Now is just so happened that in the Kingdom of Persia there lived a young Jewish girl named Esther who was very beautiful, but much more importantly, had a 195 IQ. Having successfully sued her parents for termination of custody, she had been living with her uncle Mordechai. Esther aced the test and was chosen to be the new queen. Only, the homosexual community objected the word "queen", and the feminists didn't like the whole gender- based title thing, so it was decided that she would just be called "Royal Person." So Esther was crowned Royal Person of Persia and was married to King Achashverosh, though she kept her own last name. And being that Esther was an intelligent woman in her own right, and had no intention whatsoever of sitting quietly next to the King looking pretty, she was given her own staff of 15 and an office in the west wing of the palace.
Mordechai suggested calling all the Jews to synagogue for three days of fasting and prayers, but Esther thought that was way outdated, and instead called for a non-denominational candlelight vigil, and it was so.
King, for his part, was careful not to violate the out-of-court settlement
he had made with Vashti, and there was none of that "dance
naked" stuff that night. The party was a big hit, with performances
by Fleetwood Mac and crowd favorite Barbara Streissand. And Esther
informed the King that both he and Haman were also invited to her next
party, being thrown the following day on Martha's Vineyard. Upon
leaving the party, Haman spotted his old nemesis Mordechai, which ruined
his night. Haman's wife advised Haman to build a gallows 50 amot tall
and ask the King to have Mordechai hanged the next day.
She further advised him to quit referring to her as "Haman's Wife." And
he built the gallows.
Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children
of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after
walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the
walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of saltwater. Then,
a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard
of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by. Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at every seder meal that would be established in the future to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their command which became the name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
|Story of Purim|
| Top Ten Ways the Story of Purim Would be Different if it Occurred Today
10. Vashti relieved that king calls her to dance naked and not one of his sleazy girl friends.
9. Story ends with Mordechai and Haman signing historic peace treaty on White House lawn.
8. Bigtan and Teresh caught trying to return rental van used in assassination attempt.
7. Haman's children finally killed by lethal injection after lengthy appeals process
6. Jews required to drink 'till they no longer know the difference between Pat Buchanan and Al Sharpton.
5. In addition to Mishloach Manot and Matanot L'Evyonim, Megillah institutes No Alternate Side-Of-The-Street Parking.
4. Like Esther might ever agree to marry one of those slimy Ayatollahs.
3. Instead of calling national fast day, Rabbis hold ill-attended rally in front of Persian embassy.
2. Haman forced to share funds with rival extremist group, Hezbollah.
1. Rav Shach orders followers not to fight Haman, 'cause having the Jewish community saved by a woman just isn't halachically acceptable.'
| Yaakov, an up-and-coming Jewish inventor, is struggling through a bus station
with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and
asks "Have you got the time?" Yaakov sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances
at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Yaakov brightens a little.
"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 50 largest cities. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere
on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Yaakov continues "I've put in regional
accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all," says Yaakov. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.
"The flashing dot shows our location by G.P.S. global satellite positioning," explains Yaakov. "View recede ten," Yaakov says, and the display changes to show eastern New York State.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Yaakov.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not "
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Yaakov stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another
one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.
"Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
Take it or leave it."
Yaakov abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Yaakov after the stranger, who turns around warily. Yaakov points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
"Don't forget your batteries."
| Guy Offers to Buy a Drink for a Gal at a Bar and She Says Ok.
The Guy Goes to the End of the Bar and Whispers to the Bartender to Make up a
Martini for the Gal and to Put
Some Spanish-fly in the Drink.
The Bartender Whispers Back and Says He's All out of
Spanish-fly and All He Has Left Is Jewish-fly.
The Guy Says to Put Some of That in Her Drink.
As She Sips on the Drink She Gets More and More
Cozy and Warm Tothe Guy
And When She Finishes the Drink She Leans over to the Guy and
Whispers in His Ear,
..."Let's Go Shopping"
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