harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 21
Golf
Memories
Biblical Questions
Harry Abramovitz
Tractate Kombutra
The Cohen Brothers
27 Rules for Jewish Living

Q & A's
A Little Boy
 Sunday School
Headline News
Good Question
How to Make Gefilte Fish
An 80 year old Jewish Man

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
The Cohen Brothers
It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three.  "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."

Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued.  "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford." "What!!!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy?  It must be two hundred degrees in that car !!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button."  Intrigued, Ford pushed the button.  All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool. "This is amazing !" exclaimed Ford.  "How much do you want for the patent." Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars."  Then he paused. "And there is something else.  The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-Conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!" "Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but there is no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!!' They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' name would be left off.  However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

And that is why even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel:          NORM, HI and MAX.

Good Question
 

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.

 Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your Zayde who you miss so much!"
 Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium... Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you?
 Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"
 Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"
 "Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.
 "Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty!
 Zayde, are you happy in the other world?"
 "Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your Bubbe together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!"
 A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his Zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer.
 Ask. Ask."

 "Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"

Memories

Two very elderly Jewish ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.  They had been meeting at that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship. 

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,...." Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years...What is your name?  I am trying to remember, but I just can't." 

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally says....

"How soon do you have to know ?"

Golf
Four married Jewish men go golfing... During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will have the interior of the house completely painted by next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would get a contractor to build a new deck for the pool next week."
Third Guy: "Man, you both got off cheap! I had to promise my wife that I would have the kitchen remodeled for her."  They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him: "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. . . When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf Course-or sex? and she says, "Wear your sweater".
80 year old Jewish Man
  An 80 year old Jewish man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur.
Do you smoke ?" "No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess? "No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?" "Vell, Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man asked, "Vhich half...the LOOKING or the THINKING ???"
Question to the Answers
A: Midrash
   Q: What is a middle east skin disease?

A: The Gaza Strip
   Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dancer? 

A. A classroom, a Passover ceremony & a latke.
   Q  What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater?   

A. Sofer
   Q. On what do Jews recline on Passover?   

A. Babylon
   Q. What does the rabbi do during some sermons?   

A. Kishka, sukkah & Circumcision.
   Q. Name a gut, a hut and a cut?

A. Tzitzit.
   Q. Name a disease carrying Mediterranean fly.

27 Rules for Jewish Living
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
18. It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Sears.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 40.
Biblical Questions

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar. He was on grass for seven years.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. The thought had never entered his head before.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Harry Abramovitz
Harry Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a club known never to have had a Jewish member. This deterred Harry not at all.
First, he went to court and had his name changed from Harry Moses Abramovitz to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher.
Then he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland, who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one.
Then he hired a tutor from England to change his Hester Street accent to the mellifluous modality of Regent Street.
Then Harry worked his way into the graces of several members of the Greenvale Country Club...
Two years after launching upon his project, Howard Frobisher, neé Harry Abramovitz, appeared before the membership committee.
The chairman said, "Please state your name."
In plummy Oxonian accents, Harry said, "Howard Trevelyan Frobisher."
"And where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?"
"The usual places: Eton...Oxford..."
The chairman beamed. "And what is your religious affiliation?"
"Goy."
A Little Boy
One Saturday morning, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning David."
"Good morning rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which one, the friday night or the Saturday service?
Sunday School

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.  She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut  the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.  And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar.  He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm.  "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

Headline News
ALL US SYNAGOGUES TO CLOSE IN 1999; TO BE REPLACED BY INTERNET CHAT

Pluralism Conflicts Resolved; Each Individual to Have Own ShulTEANECK, March 2 -- The Jewish world was stunned today by a National Bored of Rabbis announcement that all synagogues in the United States would shut their doors forever, sometime before the end of 1999. After centuries of conflict among the various forms of Judaism and the frequent formation of new breakaway synagogues, a combination of technologies has finally resolved the interdenominational bickering and made it possible for all Jews to be satisfied by having their very own synagogues located in an Internet chat room accessed from their home.  Because chatting in shul has become commonplace across the religious spectrum, there is already a base of experience for the new concept, and most individuals are not expected to feel any difference. Although many issues divided Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, Egalitarian, Chabad, Satmar, Young Israel, Aguda, Ashkenazi, Sfard, and many others, the one point that all agreed on was the need for the synagogue to reflect their own personal viewpoint and for all members to follow their mode of observance.  As these modes became increasingly fragmented, even within each movement, the only way to achieve harmony was to let each Jew run his or her own shul.

Two technological achievements are responsible for making this ancient dream a reality: the universal availability of the Internet and the perfection of voice recognition.  As a result, beginning in the year 2000, all Jews will be able to connect to their own chat room on the Internet, and by using voice recognition, each will be president of his or her virtual shul.  The replacement of the synagogue will solve many problems: the need for a minyan, separate seating, and the height of a mechitza.  Congregants will be spared membership dues, and without a regular weekly kiddush to attend, fitness is expected to reach an all-time high.  A few thorny issues remain to be settled, and one is why no firm date was announced by the Bored.  One issue is the use of the computer microphone on Shabbat.  The Reform have no problem with it.  Conservatives are expected to accept it, arguing that it is no different from leaving the microphone in their synagogue on before shabbat.  For the Orthodox, it will take some more work, but the need for individual shuls has become so acute in recent years that, with a few possible exceptions, the bulk of Orthodoxy is expected to go along. Another problem is what to do with all the suddenly unemployed rabbis, but  with the expansion of Internet use, there should be plenty of jobs available as technical support representatives.  Still unsolved is how to find an acceptable substitute for kiddush clubs.

revised 12 Apr 2017
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