| What a Car |
|
In the religious area of New York, a Rabbi left the pulpit to open up a business.
After working very hard for several years and finally making some money, he
decided to purchase a new automobile. Upon entering the local new car dealer,
he was quickly spotted by the salesman.
"Have I got a car for you!" he exclaimed, unable to conceal his delight
at finding an obviously religious man.
The Rabbi turned business man, dressed
in a dark suit, sporting a long beard, looked at the sales man
in apprehension. "What do you mean?"
"Ah ha," the salesman said rubbing his hands together. "Let
me show you the latest technological advance. An American car with
Israeli designed computerized digital commands."
"W-What's that?" the
Rabbi asked hesitatingly.
"Come right here and let me show you. You will never believe your eyes." The
salesman opened the door of the new and shiny sedan. "Please sit down
and I will show you. "A one of a kind, I tell you. You won't believe
your eyes. You see this car has no pedals. That's right no gas pedal
and no brake pedal."
"B-But how do you stop and start?"
"Ah,
that's the beauty of this, with the Israeli computerized technology all
you have to do is to speak and the digital processor will convert your
voice into an electronic signal that tells the motor what to do."
"I
don't believe it."
"Watch, it's true. This was programmed for the religious consumer. To
start, just say "Baruch HaShem" (Hebrew: Thank God). As the salesman
spoke those words the car began to drive.
The Rabbi, was taken back, "Wow,
I don't believe it! How do you stop the car?"
"That's no problem, all you have to say is 'Shema Yisroel' (the prayer
declaring the unity of God) and the car will stop." As the salesman
spoke those words, the car rolled to a halt. It's as easy as can be
just say 'Baruch HaShem' to start and when you want to stop just say
'Shema Yisroel'."
Well The Rabbi was very impressed and bought
the car on the spot Entering the car he said the magic words, 'Baruch
HaShem' and the car was soon heading out and on to the local highway.
Soon the Rabbi had left the city behind and was looking at the beautiful
country scenery.
As the car continued, the Rabbi failed to notice a sign saying that the
road is closed. As the car continued it went up onto a half completed
bridge. "Oh no! We are going to crash!". Instinctively his feet searched
in vain for the brake pedal, but there was none to be found. "What do I say,
WHAT DO I SAY!!!"
panicking he could not remember what the salesman had told him. His mind
was a blank and the car was approaching the end of the unfinished bridge, together
with a majestic plunge into a ravine, hundreds of feet below. "This is
the end!" the Rabbi thought. And preparing for death he began to declare
the unity of God. "Shema Yisroel!" he said, and in a moment the car
screeched to a stop with
half of the car resting in a tilted manner, precariously over the bridge.
The Rabbi, soaked with perspiration, removed his trembling hand from
his forehead, and looked at the miracle and exclaimed with deep feeling 'BARUCH
HASHEM'". |
| Hotel Room |
Due to poor weather, Mrs. Rosenberg, a fine Jewish matron-from the Upper East
Side, found herself stranded-late one night at a fashionable southern resort...one
that did not, ordinarily, admit Jews.
When she inquired, at the Front Desk about a room, the desk clerk, looked at his
book and said, "Sorry, no rooms. This hotel is full."
Suspicious, about his mind set, Mrs.Rosenberg said,"I beg your pardon...your
sign says, you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered & said, curtly, "Mostly, I shouldn't say this, but
you know, we do not admit Jews. Now, if you will try...on the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened, noticeably, & said, "I'll have you know...recently,
I converted to your religion."
Sensing something, the desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah!? Well, let me give you a little
test! How was Jesus born?"
"That's easy" Mrs. Rosenberg replied,"He was born to a virgin named Mary...in
a little town, called: Bethlehem."
"Not 'Bad'!" replied, the clerk..."Tell me, more."
Checking her memory, Mrs. Rosenberg said, "He was born in a manger!"
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And...why was he born, in a manger?"
Holding her head, defiantly, high, Mrs. Rosenberg, reared-back, and said -- loudly
for all to hear, "Because, a Putz, like you...in the hotel...wouldn't give, a
Jewish lady, a room for the night!" |
| Mount
Sinai Hospital |
A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, 'Mount Sinai Hospital?
Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about
the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like
expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to
Z.'
The voice on the other end of the line said, 'Would you hold
the line, please, that's a very unusual request.' Then a very authoritative
voice came on and said, 'Are you the lady who is calling about one
of the patients?' She said, 'Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information
about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.' He said, 'Finkel. Finkel. Let me
see. Feinberg, Farber --- Finkel.
Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full
meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is
going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock.' The woman said,
'Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm
so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news.' The guy on the other
end said, 'From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close
family.'
She said, 'What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!' |
| Q & A |
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the internet?
A: 'Modem anachnu lach...'
Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box,
what does a moyel carry?
A: A Bris-kit........
Q: What is a Jewish woman's worst fear at Pesach?
A: A yeast infection.
Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is older
than 8-days old?
A: A girl. |
| A Tour
Bus |
| A tour Bus with 30 Hadassah ladies aboard
turned over and all were speedily dispatched to heaven. On their arrival
one of the admitting angels wouldn't let them in. He told them that the
admitting computers were down so they would just have to wait.
At that moment G-D intervened and said that he would speak to
Satan to see if they could be temporarily housed in his domain until
they could correct the computer error. Sure enough room was found and
they all went down to their new temporary quarters. A few hours later
G-d receives an urgent telephone call from Satan who tells him that
he must take the Hadassah women off his hands. 'What's the problem?'
G-d asks.
Satan replies, 'These Hadassah women are ruining my set-up. They have
been down here only a few hours and already they have raised $100,000
for a new air conditioning system.' |
| He's Right |
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments,
and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi
out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified
that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!
Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm
cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A
sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing
out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am
right and they are wrong. So please, G-d, a bigger sign!"
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one
big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told
you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had
happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh
G-d...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice
intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?" "So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2." |
| 105 Years Old |
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance
the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these
years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When
I got to be 90 I expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then
100, then 105. So I figured that G-d is very busy and must have forgotten
about me .....and I don't want to remind Him!" |
| Time to Get Up |
About 8 o'clock one cold February morning David was in bed sound asleep.
His mother came into the room. "Son, it's time to get up. You've got to get ready for shul." she implored. "I'm too tired. Leave me alone," he said. "Son, you've got to get up and get ready for shul."
I"m not going to shul. Give me one good reason why I have to go to shul," he
protested. "I'll give you two good reasons: One, it's Shabbos and two, you're the Rabbi!" |
| Chag Sameach-Happy Holidays |
Gottlieb
called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight
the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan.
I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gottlieb, that's what VCR's are for." Gottlieb is surprised.
"You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?" |
| Prayer for 5760 |
| May
you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist,
your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist,
your psychiatrist, your plumber and the I.R.S.
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your
stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your
cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not
rise. May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the
rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find
a parking space. May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around
the Shabbat table, together with your beloved family and cherished
friends, ushering in the Sabbath day. You will find the food better,
the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much
more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.
May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to
an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not
fallen. May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find
your account is in order, your money is still there and any mistakes
are in your favor. May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultra-modern
civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible
slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand. May we relax about the Third
Millennium of the Common Era, and realize that we still have 240 years
until the dawn of the Sixth Millennium of the Jewish Calendar by which
time the computer is long since obsolete and so are we. May G-d give
you the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning and
may some of the promises made be kept. May you believe at least half
of what the candidates propose, and may those elected fulfill at least
half of what they promise and the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing
budgets happen. May you be awe struck by G-d's sense of humor as you
wrestle with the possibility that a professional wrestler could become
President of the United States. May what you see in the mirror delight
you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you
enought to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell
the world about your virtues. May the telemarketers wait to make their
sales calls until you finish dinner and may your check book and your
budget balance and may they include generous amounts for charity. May
you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to
your spouse, your child, your parent; but not to your secretary,
your nurse, your masseuse, your hair-dresser or your tennis instructor.
And, may the Messiah come this year and if he does not may we live as if he
has, in a world at peace and the awareness of G-d's love in every sunset, every
flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every
wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.
L'SHANAH
TOVAH!! |
| Green Eggs and Ham |
| The
National Education Association is celebrating "Read Across America" by
encouraging adults to read to children. Of course, Green Eggs and Ham
is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books. And there's the dilemma.
How can Jewish kids celebrate with Green Eggs and Ham? So, in honor of
(and with apologies to the estate of Dr. Seuss) read a new ending for
the story. It starts on page 54........
Sam!
Will you ever see
They are not KOSHER,
So let me be!
I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them, Sam-I-am.
But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit.
Or I will try them with some brisket.
I'll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try,
Scrambled up inside some matzoh brie!
And in a boat upon a river,
I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver!
So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham,
Let your friends in on the scoop:
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup |
| Golf and the Pope |
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu,
the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr.. Netanyahu wants to challenge
you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by
the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his
hand. "Have we not," he asked "a Cardinal who can represent me against the leader
of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal said.
"But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who
is a devout catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask him to play
Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our
spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was
honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope
of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said
the world-class golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some
pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played,
by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my
irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect.
With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes." |
| Shabbat Violator |
Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning.
Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically
behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
"Well," said Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator!
Look at him running for that taxi."
"Wait a minute," Moe replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, 'The
Other Side of the Story', about the command to judge other people favorably?
I'll bet we can think of hundreds of
excuses for Irving's behavior."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."
"Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab -
he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweis."
"Well, maybe his wife's having a baby."
"She had one last week."
"Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."
"She's home."
"Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."
"He *is* a doctor."
"Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital."
"The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
"Well, maybe he forgot that it's Shabbos!"
"Of course he knows it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie?
It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovani tie from Italy. He never wears it
during the week."
"Wow, you're a really observant! I didn't even notice he was
wearing a tie."
"How could you not notice? Didn't you see how it was caught
on the back fender of the taxi?" |
| Mezzuzot |
A wealthy, English, Jewish guy buys a fabulous home with over 50 rooms.
He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished
the Jewish guy is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten something -- to
put mezzuzot on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezzuzot and asks the
decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door apart from bathrooms
and kitchens. He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paintwork
or won't put them up correctly.
However, when he comes back a few hours later the job has been
carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that
he gives the decorator a bonus.
As the decorator is walking out of the door he
says to the Jewish guy:
"Glad you're happy with the job mate. By the way, I took out all the
guarantees that were in the little boxes and left them on the table
for you." |
| Glila |
In
the gantza Conservative shul in Toronto ("The Beth Tzadec")
there once was a president who was a nice businessman but, Jewishly,
well, he was ritually challenged.
On Rosh HaShanah the gabbai offered him an aliyah. Panaicked, he said "No,
no, no. I can't read the Hebrew blessings. I'll embarass myself."
The Gabbai said "you HAVE to take some honor, you're the president!"
Isn't there anything where I don't have to talk?"
The Gabbai thought for a minute and suggested "how about Glila?"
"What's Glila?" said the president.
"Simple," replied the gabbai, "you just come up after the Torah is lifted and
when the cover is put on, you put on the breastplate and the crown and then sit
down."
Relieved, the president accepted the honor. And so, right after the hagba
(lifting) the president came up, put on the breastplate and the crown and went
back to his seat.
The Gabbai came running over and said "On the TORAH, on the TORAH!" |
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