harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 23
Mezzuzot
Hotel Room
105 Years Old
Shabbat Violator
Green Eggs and Ham
Glila
Tour Bus
Time to Get Up
Mount Sinai Hospital
Chag Sameach-Happy Holidays
Q & A
He's Right 
What a Car
Prayer for 5760
Golf and the Pope
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before... 
What a Car
In the religious area of New York, a Rabbi left the pulpit to open up a business. After working very hard for several years and finally making some money, he decided to purchase a new automobile. Upon entering the local new car dealer, he was quickly spotted by the salesman.

"Have I got a car for you!" he exclaimed, unable to conceal his delight at finding an obviously religious man.
The Rabbi turned business man, dressed in a dark suit, sporting a long  beard, looked at the sales man in apprehension.  "What do you mean?"  
"Ah ha," the salesman said rubbing his hands together. "Let me show you the latest technological advance. An American car with Israeli designed computerized digital commands."  
"W-What's that?" the Rabbi asked hesitatingly.
"Come right here and let me show you. You will never believe your eyes." The salesman opened the door of the new and shiny sedan. "Please sit down and I will show you.  "A one of a kind, I tell you. You won't believe your eyes. You see this car has no pedals. That's right no gas pedal and no brake pedal."  
"B-But how do you stop and start?"  
"Ah, that's the beauty of this, with the Israeli computerized technology all you have to do is to speak and the digital processor will convert your voice into an electronic signal that tells the motor what to do."  
"I don't believe it."  
"Watch, it's true. This was programmed for the religious consumer. To start, just say "Baruch HaShem" (Hebrew: Thank God). As the salesman spoke those words the car began to drive.  
The Rabbi, was taken back, "Wow, I don't believe it! How do you stop the car?"  
"That's no problem, all you have to say is 'Shema Yisroel' (the prayer declaring the unity of God) and the car will stop." As the salesman spoke those words, the car rolled to a halt. It's as easy as can be just say 'Baruch HaShem' to start and when you want to stop just say 'Shema Yisroel'."  
Well The Rabbi was very impressed and bought the car on the spot Entering the car he said the magic words, 'Baruch HaShem' and the car was soon heading out and on to the local highway. Soon the Rabbi had left the city behind and was looking at the beautiful country scenery.

As the car continued, the Rabbi failed to notice a sign saying that the road is closed. As the car continued it went up onto a half completed bridge.  "Oh no!  We are going to crash!". Instinctively his feet searched in vain for the brake pedal, but there was none to be found. "What do I say, WHAT DO I SAY!!!" panicking he could not  remember what the salesman had told him. His mind was a blank and the car was approaching the end of the unfinished bridge, together with a majestic plunge into a ravine, hundreds of feet below.  "This is the end!" the Rabbi thought.  And preparing for death he began to declare the unity of God. "Shema Yisroel!" he said, and in a moment the car screeched to a stop with half of the car resting in a tilted manner, precariously over the bridge.

 The Rabbi, soaked with perspiration, removed his trembling hand from his forehead, and looked at the miracle and exclaimed with deep feeling 'BARUCH HASHEM'".

Hotel Room
Due to poor weather, Mrs. Rosenberg, a fine Jewish matron-from the Upper East Side, found herself stranded-late one night at a fashionable southern resort...one that did not, ordinarily, admit Jews.
When she inquired, at the Front Desk about a room, the desk clerk, looked at   his book and said, "Sorry, no rooms. This hotel is full."
Suspicious, about his mind set, Mrs.Rosenberg said,"I beg your pardon...your sign says, you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered & said, curtly, "Mostly, I shouldn't say this, but you know, we do not admit Jews. Now, if you will try...on the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened, noticeably, & said, "I'll have you know...recently, I converted to your religion."
Sensing something, the desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah!? Well, let me give you a little test! How was Jesus born?"
"That's easy" Mrs. Rosenberg replied,"He was born to a virgin named Mary...in a little town, called: Bethlehem."
"Not 'Bad'!" replied, the clerk..."Tell me, more."
Checking her memory, Mrs. Rosenberg said, "He was born in a manger!"
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And...why was he born, in a manger?"
Holding her head, defiantly, high, Mrs. Rosenberg, reared-back, and said -- loudly for all to hear, "Because, a Putz, like you...in the hotel...wouldn't give, a Jewish lady, a room for the night!"
Mount Sinai Hospital
A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, 'Mount Sinai Hospital?
Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z.'

The voice on the other end of the line said, 'Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request.' Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, 'Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?' She said, 'Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.' He said, 'Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber --- Finkel.
Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock.' The woman said, 'Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news.' The guy on the other end said, 'From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family.'

She said, 'What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!'

Q & A

Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the internet?
A: 'Modem anachnu lach...'

Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a moyel carry?
A: A Bris-kit........

Q: What is a Jewish woman's worst fear at Pesach?
A: A yeast infection.

Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is older than 8-days old?
A: A girl.

A Tour Bus
A tour Bus with 30 Hadassah ladies aboard turned over and all were speedily dispatched to heaven. On their arrival one of the admitting angels wouldn't let them in. He told them that the admitting computers were down so they would just have to wait.

At that moment G-D intervened and said that he would speak to Satan to see if they could be temporarily housed in his domain until they could correct the computer error. Sure enough room was found and they all went down to their new temporary quarters. A few hours later G-d receives an urgent telephone call from Satan who tells him that he must take the Hadassah women off his hands. 'What's the problem?' G-d asks.

Satan replies, 'These Hadassah women are ruining my set-up. They have been down here only a few hours and already they have raised $100,000 for a new air conditioning system.'

He's Right
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, G-d,  a bigger sign!"
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh G-d...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?" "So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
105 Years Old
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.  So I figured that G-d is very busy and must have forgotten about me .....and I don't want to remind Him!"
Time to Get Up
About 8 o'clock one cold February morning David was in bed sound asleep.
His mother came into the room. "Son, it's time to get up. You've got to get ready for shul." she implored. "I'm too tired. Leave me alone," he said. "Son, you've got to get up and get ready for shul." I"m not going to shul. Give me one good reason why I have to go to shul," he protested. "I'll give you two good reasons: One, it's Shabbos and two, you're the Rabbi!"
Chag Sameach-Happy Holidays
Gottlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs.  Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan.
I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gottlieb, that's what VCR's are for."  Gottlieb is  surprised.
"You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?"
Prayer for 5760
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your  plumber and the I.R.S.

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs, and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise. May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space. May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the Shabbat table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the Sabbath day. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night. May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen. May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your account is in order, your money is still there and any mistakes are in your favor. May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultra-modern civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand. May we relax about the Third Millennium of the Common Era, and realize that we still have 240 years until the dawn of the Sixth Millennium of the Jewish Calendar by which time the computer is long since obsolete and so are we. May G-d give you the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning and may some of the promises made be kept. May you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and may those elected fulfill at least half of what they promise and the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen. May you be awe struck by G-d's sense of humor as you wrestle with the possibility that a professional wrestler could become President of the United States. May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enought to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues. May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner and may your check book and your budget balance and may they include generous amounts for charity. May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hair-dresser or your tennis instructor.

And, may the Messiah come this year and if he does not may we live as if he has, in a world at peace and the awareness of G-d's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.
                                     L'SHANAH TOVAH!!

Green Eggs and Ham
The National Education Association is celebrating "Read Across America" by encouraging adults to read to children. Of course, Green Eggs and Ham is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books. And there's the dilemma. How can Jewish kids celebrate with Green Eggs and Ham? So, in honor of (and with apologies to the estate of Dr. Seuss) read a new ending for the story. It starts on page 54........

Sam!
Will you ever see
They are not KOSHER,
So let me be!
I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them, Sam-I-am.
But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit.
Or I will try them with some brisket.
I'll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try,
Scrambled up inside some matzoh brie!
And in a boat upon a river,
I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver!
So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham,
Let your friends in on the scoop:
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup

Golf and the Pope
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr.. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a Cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal said.
"But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect.
With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
Shabbat Violator
Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning.
Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly.
"Well," said Lenny, "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at him running for that taxi."
 "Wait a minute," Moe replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, 'The Other Side of the Story', about the command to judge other people favorably? I'll bet we can think of hundreds of
excuses for Irving's behavior."
    "Yeah, like what?"
    "Maybe he's sick and needs to go to the hospital."
    "Come on! He was running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzenweis."
    "Well, maybe his wife's having a baby."
    "She had one last week."
    "Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital."
    "She's home."
    "Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor."
    "He *is* a doctor."
    "Well, maybe he need supplies from the hospital."
    "The hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
    "Well, maybe he forgot that it's Shabbos!"
    "Of course he knows it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk Giovani tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."
    "Wow, you're a really observant! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."
    "How could you not notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
Mezzuzot
A wealthy, English, Jewish guy buys a fabulous home with over 50 rooms.
He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.  When the job is finished the Jewish guy is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten something -- to put mezzuzot on the doors.  He goes out and buys 50 mezzuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door apart from bathrooms and kitchens.  He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paintwork or won't put them up correctly.

   However, when he comes back a few hours later the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction.  He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.

   As the decorator is walking out of the door he says to the Jewish guy:
"Glad you're happy with the job mate.  By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in the little boxes and left them on the table for you."

Glila
In the gantza Conservative shul in Toronto ("The Beth Tzadec") there once was a president who was a nice businessman but, Jewishly, well, he was ritually challenged.
On Rosh HaShanah the gabbai offered him an aliyah.  Panaicked, he said "No, no, no.  I can't read the Hebrew blessings.  I'll embarass myself."
The Gabbai said "you HAVE to take some honor, you're the president!"
Isn't there anything where I don't have to talk?"
The Gabbai thought for a minute and suggested "how about Glila?"
"What's Glila?" said the president.
"Simple," replied the gabbai, "you just come up after the Torah is lifted and when the cover is put on, you put on the breastplate and the crown and then sit down."
Relieved, the president accepted the honor.  And so, right after the hagba (lifting) the president came up, put on the breastplate and the crown and went back to his seat.
The Gabbai came running over and said "On the TORAH, on the TORAH!"
 
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