harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 24
First Time Mummy
The Bitter Herbs Old Friends
Jewish Redneck What is That
Bubbe on a Cruise Syrian Airliner
The Jewish Divorce Kosher Dr. Seuss
High Street Shopping Definition of Judaism
The Forestry Graduate The Art of Scientific Deduction

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

You might be a Jewish Redneck if....
  1. You light your shabbos candles from your cigarette
  2. Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke
  3. Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name
  4. You have a gun rack in your sukkah
  5. You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher
  6. You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish Law
  7. You don't ride on shabbat because your car is up on blocks
  8. When someone shouts l'chaim you respond l'howdy
  9. You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion
  10. You think a good Bar Mitzvah gift is time shared on your hunting lease.
Mummy
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy.  After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 yearend mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right
about the mummy's age and cause of death.  How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
THE BITTER HERB
 The Jewish community in Madrid needed the horseradish for its traditional Pesach ritual of Maror, but whoever they tried approaching from among  the suppliers, gave them the same reply, "Sorry! No can do."

 In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv who happened to be the second cousin of the Mashgiach for Agrexco - and begged him to organize the dispatch of a crate of Israeli horseradish roots, by
air-freight to Madrid.  It took the friend two days to organize, and two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Alef tear-jerking Israeli horseradish roots was proudly loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto El-Al 789 flight to Madrid, and all seemed to be well.

 Unfortunately, when the Rabbi came to Madrid Airport in order to take the crate out of Customs, he was informed that an unforeseen wildcat strike had just broken out among the members of the airport's Transport and General
Workers Union, and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days.
So, you see, the chraine in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.

Old Friends
Moishe and Shmuel had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally, Moishe invited Shmuel to visit him in his new apartment.

"I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us." "Great. Where do you live?" "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"You're coming empty-handed?"

The Jewish Divorce
  A Jewish father calls his son in New York and tells him, "I hate to tell you, but your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we are divorcing.  That's it!  I want to live out the rest of my years in peace.
 I am telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."  The father hangs up, and David immediately calls his sister and tells her the news.  The sister says, "I'll handle this."  She calls Florida and gets her father on the phone.  She pleads to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING 'til David and I get there!  We will be there Friday night."  The father says, "All right, all right, I'll wait."
  When the father hangs up the phone he hollers to his wife, "okay, they're coming for Passover.  Now, what are we going to tell them for Rosh Hashana?"
Kosher version of Dr. Seuss
Sam!
Will you never see?
They are not KOSHER,
Let me be!

I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them Sam-I-am. But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit.
Or I'll try them with some brisket.
I'll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox. And those green eggs are worth a try
Scrambled up inside some matzoh brei!
And in a boat upon the river,
I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver!

So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham,
Let your friends in on the scoop:
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!

The Forestry Graduate
A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.
Included in the survival gear that they give him, much to his surprise, is a recipe for matzah balls.
When he asks why he's receiving a matzah ball recipe, he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you,  you're going to remember your matzah ball recipe. You're going to get it out and start making some and before you know it you're going to have ten Jewish women looking over your shoulder saying, 'That's not the correct way to make matzah balls.'"
Syrian Airliner 174
       The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel."
      No answer.
      A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again.  We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel."
      No answer from anyone.
      A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174.  We are in need of help.  We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel.
      Still no answer from anyone.
      Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing.  Unless we can land we are going to crash.  We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Mideast, INCLUDING Israel.
      Shortly thereafter, a  voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit:  "This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174.  We would like to help."
      "God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, "what should we do?"
      Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yisgadal, v'yisgadash ...
Bubbe on a Cruise
The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send Bubbe on a cruise.
Bubbe boarded the ship and  showed her ticket to the purser.  He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, "I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C."
Bubbe replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Bubbe, needless to say, was delighted.
She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said, "Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.?  Voos is B.I.B.?" asked Bubbe.
The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh" she said; "Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her Breakfast In Bed and she said, "F.U.C.K"
Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K?  What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K.
First U Could Knock!"
What is That
A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family.  He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase.
At Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous Customs officer who glared at him and snarled "Open the case!"
Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda.  He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin.
"What is that" snarled the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' You should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin.  I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."
"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom, Welcome to Israel.  Open the case!"
Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that" said the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?'  You should ask 'Who is that?'  That is that bastard, Stalin.  I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life.  I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."
"I always knew that you Russian Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got round to unpacking watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table.
"Who is that?" asked his nephew.
"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?', You should ask 'What is that?'.
"That is five kilos of gold!"
First Time
  As has been the tradition for many years a marriage has been arranged for a young Hassidic couple.  Unfortunately, the young man has never been briefed on the why's and how to's of love making.
  The wedding takes place and the young couple find themselves in bed, ready to consummate the marriage.  The young Hassidic man says to bride, "I've never done this before.  I'm not really sure what to do."  His wife responds in a reassuring way that she will guide him through the process.  So..
She says, "Remove your garments."  The husband complies.
She says, "Not just your tzitzis.  All your cloths."  A little embarrassed the husband complies.
She says, "OK.  Now you need to put that right here," pointing first to her husband and then to herself.  The husband complies....
Finally after about 10 minutes of laying there, the young bride thinking quickly says:
    "Now ... davin!"
High Street Shopping
A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shoppe.  An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "May I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes.  A pound of chopped liver."
"No.  No.  You mean pate."
"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate.  And," he added, "I'd like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on Shabbos!"
The Art of Scientific Deduction
  German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
 Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber net.
  Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Definition of Judaism
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

  HAMPTONGOY n. A non Jewish person that will lie about their religion in order to get free drinks at Jet East and attain a Vishnick quarter share.  TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.  SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.  MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.  BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.  CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.  DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.  DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes..  GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.  HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah  JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.  MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.  MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."  MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.  RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.  ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.  YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.  MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.  FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

 DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents,and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds  for diskvellification)

 
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