harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 25
Bubbeleh
The Match
Kosher Komputer
A Dissent on Starbucks
Yom Kippur.....Passover
Q & A
The Bet
Kosher Ribs
Maccabi Golf Day
Internal Revenue Service
Acts of G-d
Driving Permit
Apartment Hunting
Jewish Knowledge Test
Jewish Calendar for the Year

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before..
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A Dissent on Starbucks, by Jackie Mason
Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means nothing, but people will still pay ten times as much for it because there are foreign words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents.  But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: 4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars.

Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. Forty-million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee." If it's Cafe Latte... $4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon: 60 cents, that's it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier: $9.50. You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee: $350. And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, it's from the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It's a blend. It's a special bean from Argentina..." The bean is in your head! And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me... Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"

Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less. It's all the same as Starbucks: no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee -- except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much.  Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop! You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra.  Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks? Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife to put it on, 30 cents.  If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money.   Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half.  If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of 60 cents for coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean it up for 20 minutes after you're finished." Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium. Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything, Nazi bastard sons-of-a-bitch! And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people.
  :-))
    "People are more concerned about what you think of them, than they are of what they   think of you."
                --A Friend's Mother

Internal Revenue Service

An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue and asks to see the rabbi.
He is shown into the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.

"Rabbi, I believe a member of your synagogue, Mr. Klutz, states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue. Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"

The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."

Maccabi Golf Day
Monash Country Club
Thursday 25 November 1999

Anyone who has ever played or watched golf knows that all golfers aspire to score at each hole, results with an avian name such as birdie, eagle and albatross. Playing in the annual Maccabi golf day at Monash Country Club, Dr Tony Wasserman, a dentist from Chatswood, introduced a term to the golfing lexicon which is normally confined to cricket  he scored a duck. Standing on the second tee with his three partners, Dr Wasserman was being humorously sledged by the eight members of the following two groups who were becoming impatient with the slow play ahead.  Dr Wasserman, a left hander, took aim and let fly with an unusual shot on this picturesque hole.   Normally this shot would be referred to as a worm burner if it happened on dry land; however, in this instance there was a small lake in front of the tee.  Dr Wasserman’s tee shot bounced across the surface of the water and slammed into a duck peacefully sitting on the waters edge.  The ball disappeared, being caught up amongst the feathers of the duck and then dropping into the lake as it struggled after being slam ducked. As the four on the tee and the eight waiting to hit off commiserated the plight of the stuffed duck a voice from the group said: “Can someone please say Kadish for the duck so that we get on with the game?” From the minyan established on the banks of the lake came:

“Yisgadal v’yis gaduck….”

Apartment Hunting
A large family, the Pfieffers, with seven, thank G-d, healthy children, moved to America from Europe.  They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in.  Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to such a large family.  After several days of unsuccessful searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery while he took the older three to find an apartment.

After they had looked most of the morning. they found a place that was just right.  Then the landlord asked the usual question:  "How many children do you have?"  The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven ... but, four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."

He got the apartment.

A Jewish Calendar for the New Year
As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.  Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't.  Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.

The Yo-yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
Rosh Hashanah: Feast
Tzom Gedalia:  Fast
Yom Kippur:    More Fasting
Sukkot:    Feast
Hashanah Rabbah:   More Feasting
Simchat Torah  Keep Feasting
Month of Heshvan:  No feasts or fasts for a whole
month.  Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah:  Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet:    Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat:   Feast
Fast of Esther:    Fast
Purim: Eat pastry
Passover:  Do not eat pastry
Shavuot:   Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)
17th of Tammuz:    Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tisha B'Av:    Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul   End of cycle.  Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before the High Holidays arrive

Kosher Ribs
A rabbi was walking home when he noticed a congregant walking ahead of him.  The rabbi hurried to catch up as he had some important matters to discuss.  Much to his dismay, the rabbi saw that the congregant had entered a Rib Joint.

The rabbi couldn't believe his eyes. He looked again and saw the congregant pointing to the menu and talking to the waiter. He looked again and saw the waiter deliver a slab of pork ribs to the congregant .  Then he saw the congregant take the ribs and start eating the traif meal. The rabbi could no longer contain himself. He burst into the restaurant and said, "Moshe, what are you doing?" Moshe looked up and said to the rabbi, "I don't understand." The rabbi said, "I just saw you, Moshe, one of my most holy  congregants, with all this traif food!" Moshe said, "Rabbi, did you see me come into this Restaurant?" "Yes, I did," replied the Rabbi. "Did you see me order the food?  "Yes, I did" said the rabbi. "Did you see me eat the food?" "Of course I did!!! Why do you think I barged in here?"

"Well, then," said Moshe, "I don't see the problem. It was all done under rabbinical supervision!"

Kosher Komputer
The Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a bris for my computer, taking a little piece off the tail of the mouse. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some other changes, such as:

I had to have two hard drives, one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games. Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, my PC now gets Ferklempt. The Chanukah screen savers include Flying Dreidels. My PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours. My Start button has been replaced with a "Let's go, I'm not getting any younger" button. When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus". The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already! Internet Explorer has a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner. I hear Hava Nagila during Startup. Microsoft Office now includes: a little byte of this, and a little byte of that. When running Scandisk, I am prompted with a "You want I should fix this?" message. When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!" I saw a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor. After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes Schloffen. Computer viruses can now be cured with some chicken soup with matzo balls. Y2K problems have been eliminated, but the impending problem promises to cause major Tsoris. I didn't get a mouse... I got a yad, which makes sense 'cause apparently I'm not allowed to touch the Scroll bar. It didn't come with a screen-saver, it came with an electronic mehitza, which kicks in whenever I access a feminist Web site. When I open AOL, the announcement doesn't say "You've Got Mail". Instead, it says "You don't WRITE, you don't CALL!" I don't have an Option button; instead, it says "On The Other Hand..." I don't get E-mail.... I get Eh-mail. I get all these letters which when I read them, I go "Eh, who cares? When I press Delete or Trash I get a Dialogue Box which says "Listen, you never know, you might need this someday. So Cancel?" When I click! on Clean Up Windows, it tells me it doesn't DO windows. It also came with a Shabbos Goy Software Program which automatically turns the hard drive on after sundown, scans the most recent files slowly and prints out during services. For an additional $29.95 it's accompanied by a Chulent CD-ROM... that slowly surfs the Internet during habbos, massing an assortment of Web sites which then sit in the Browser Cache of my hard drive and stew until after sundown Saturday.

And finally, my computer always takes 45 minutes to Shut Down, unless I enter a special anti-separation anxiety command, LOOK, I REALLY GOTTA GO. I PROMISE I'LL CALL. Clearly something's going on here.
I thought I bought a Mac. I think they gave me a Max.

The Bet
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
  The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
  Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen,  wrestlers, etc.) but nobody could do it.
  One day this scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."  After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK," grabbed a lemon and squeezed away.  He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.  The crowd's laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.  As the crowd cheered, the bartender pays the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
  The man replied, "I'm a fund raiser for the United Jewish Appeal.
Acts of G-d.....
There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.  The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.  After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive.  The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation.  As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the rabbi got up on the bima and spoke to his flock.  "Having children is an act of G-D!" shouted the Rabbi.

In the back of the sanctuary, a little man with full white beard and yarmulka rose and shouted in his frail voice, "Point of information.  Snowing and raining are also acts of G-D.  But, we wear rubbers!"

Yom Kippur.....Passover
Chaim was in the ocean at Atlantic City on Yom Kippur, jumping up and down in the water and yelling Pesach, Pesach.  The rabbi walking to shul on the boardwalk saw and heard him.  Th rabbi called ...."Chaim, coom nor aher"

Chaim came and the rabbi said:  Ess is nit schlecht genug  du gaist buddin aff Yom Kippur, Mi darf shryin Pesach, ech?  Said Chaim, Oy, rebbe, az ich laigarine mine ayer in zaltz vasser, si by mier Pesach...ya.

Clues for those who don't speak Yiddish:
Swimming on Yom Kippur is a No No NO NEVER !!
Rabbi says "Why are you shouting Passover ? "
Chaim says, " For me Rabbi, when my eggs are in saltwater........it's Passover ! "

Jewish Knowledge Test
If you are an aspiring Jew or married into a Jewish family, or dating a Jew, there are certain things you must know to survive. Take (or give) this quiz to see if you've learned enough to function in your Jewish family:

1. There are no Jews living in
a. sin
b. El Paso
c. trailer parks 2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
a. do windows
b. make latkes
c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings 3. To Make a good pet for a  New York Jewish child, an animal must be:
a. gentle
b. housebroken
c. stuffed 4.  New York Jews spend their vacations:
a. sightseeing
b. sunbathing
c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next 5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are:
a. up on the newest styles
b. entitled to free haircuts
c. not Jewish 6. Wilderness means
a. no running water
b. no electricity
c. no hot and sour soup 7. The most popular outdoor sport among  New York Jews is:
a. jogging
b. tennis
c. howling over the neighbors lawn ornaments 8.  New York Jews never drive
a. unsafely
b. on Saturdays
c. eighteen wheelers 9. A  New York Jewish skydiver is
a. careful
b. insured
c. an apparition 10. No New York Jewish person in history has ever been known to:
a. become a prostitute
b. deface a synagogue
c. remove the back of a TV set 11. Jews never sing
a. off-key
b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
c. around a piano bar 12. Jews are ambivalent about
a. vegetarianism
b. Jesse Jackson
c. Absolutely nothing Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each"c".
 

32-36: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York.
They'll adore you.

The Match
A shadken goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."
Bubbeleh
Before sending her son off for his first day at school, Rachel Cohen hugged him and said:" Good luck, my
bubbeleh. Be good, bubbeleh, and work hard.
"And remember, bubbeleh, at lunch time eat all of your food and play nicely with the other children. Oh,
bubbueleh, I'm so proud!"
That afternoon, when little Cohen returned home, his mother cried:
"Bubbeleh, my bubbeleh, give your mother a hug! So, tell me, what did you learn at school today?"
"Well," said the boy, "to start with, I learned that my name is Sammie."
Q & A

Q. How does a yeshiva bocher change from his weekday to his Shabbat clothes?

A. He takes his pen out of his shirt pocket.

Driving Permit
A teenager had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."

                To which the Rabbi replied.... "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

 
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