harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 26
Bus Stop
A Little Women
Two alte kockers
An old Jewish man
If Computers were Jewish
Yiddish Native American Humor
Jewish Guide to Shoveling Snow
Schwartz
UN Meeting
The President
Hamlet's Soliloquy
New Kosher Computer
Yiddish Song Letter Play
English Translation or Yiddish

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Hamlet's Soliloquy
by William Shakespeare
Yeshivish Translation
by Shaya Eisen
To be, or not to be: that is the question; 
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them. To die; to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to -- 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. 
To die; to sleep;
To sleep? Perchance to dream! 
Ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause. There's the respect That makes calamity of so long life.
 
You can kleir azoi: to be, or chalila, fahkert.
 Whether it's eppis more chashuv to be soivel
 yisurim That shrekliche mazel foders
Or if it's an eitzah to be moiche keneged a velt of tzoris And al yedei zeh be meakev them; to be niftar; to chap a shluf;  Shoin; and pshat is we end The agmas nefesh and the thousand natural klops That gashmius is noite to - 'Tis a tachlis Someone might daven for. To die; to shluf; To chap a shluf? Efsher to dream! Takeh, that's the stira; For in that nitzchiyusdike shluf there's a shaila on The teva of the chaloimos that would come Once we have become potur from this tzudreita gashmius.  This shafs a chiyuv to be oimed on a chakira.  This sofek is a zach That makes this kvetsched out life so ee-geshmak.
If Computers were Jewish
  1. Your PC would shut down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
  2. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go!  I'm not getting any younger!" button.
  3. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -You're killing me! -You vant I should try it again?- I didn't hear that!"
  4. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove from your PC's tuchis the cable."
  5. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
  6. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, a little byte of that."
  7. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?” message.
  8. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"
  9. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the “schmutz” on your monitor.
  10. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schluffen."
  11. Computer viruses could now be cured with chicken soup.
UN Meeting
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Delegate.

 The Israeli Delegate began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.

 Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters of the pond.  Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes have been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."  

Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!"

 "And with that in mind", said the Israeli Delegate, "let me begin my speech..."

Two alte kockers are in their rockers

One begins to leave, he tries to push himself out of the chair, he slips, he grunts, he groans, he strains, and finally pushes himself out of the rocker, and begins to shuffle along.

His friend says, "Beryl, vu leyfst du?"

The President of the United States and the Jews

 The President was dismayed by the errors being made by the CIA and the FBI.
 He called in the directors and asked, "How come Israel knows things we don't know? How come the Jews here in the US know things we don't know?"

 Louis Freeh, the FBI director, called in Moe Katz, an undercover agent, and he told the President, "We have a code. We ask 'Vos tutzich?' (What's happening?) and we share information."

The President orders a Chassidic disguise. He puts on a caftan and shtreimel, a beard with payess and scuffed black shoes. They secretly fly him into McGuire AFB in New Jersey on a Stealth Fighter.

They then smuggle him in an old dented station wagon with an elderly Hassidic driver to Boro Park in Brooklyn, where he is dropped off on a corner.

The President approaches a man dressed similarly and asks, "Vos tutzich?"
 "Shhhh", the man replies. "The President is in Brooklyn."

New Kosher Computer
While in Israel I found a great buy on a computer. It is a kosher computer called a DELLSHALOM. It was selling at such a good price that...well......... Mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

 The cursor moves from right to left. 

It comes with two hard drives, one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.  

Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."

The Chanukah screen savers include"Flying Dreidels".

 The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.  After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

 The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."  

The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"  

Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.  

I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.  

Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."  

When running "scandisk," It prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.  

When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"  

There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.  

After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."  

Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.  

The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.  

If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed  manner, the following message appears "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

 When Spellcheck finds and error it prompts: "Is this the best you can do?"

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital.

She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital?

Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request."

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said, "Yes, darling!  I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber--Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, and if she continues this way, her doctor is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank G-d! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!"

Schwartz
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."
An old Jewish man
An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train. The young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old man does not answer.
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old man keeps silent.
"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"
The old man says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
Bus Stop
An elderly Jewish lady approaches a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers: "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Elderly Lady: "Vot Time is It?"
A Jewish Guide to Shoveling Snow
By Jordan Max
  http://www.jewishworldreview.com
LAST YEAR, in Toronto, we had a lot of snow. I spent many hours shoveling snow. Shoveling snow is boring work, and after a while a mind tends to wander. So I resolved that this year I would be prepared with lots to think about. I researched and sent letters to key Jewish figures, polling them for their keen insight on shoveling snow. Their responses;

Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of  what anyone else thinks." 

Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in discussions with our neighbors. No wait, you can shovel only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait, don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"

Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the driveway, since you really do not have any valid historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will soon be given back to its rightful owners."  

Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow; Ashkenaz version, chapter 5) - "First approach the snow with the proper kavanah, meditating on the concept of snow removal. Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the shoveling of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend the knees slightly with feet together, then look at the snow, lift shovel and dig, turning right and then left, bend knees fully, take three steps forward and deposit snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink, remembering to say the Shehakol brocha (see Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."  

Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights: each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."  

Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that clings to one's beard if you remain outside too long in   the winter season. (Old French: neige). Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse in Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will turn as white as snows"  

Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling is done, but the very act of Jewish teenagers shoveling snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision, will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."  

Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"  

Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world which unites all Jews. It falls on us all,regardless of religious denomination and belief, and is therefore instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and  diversity. In fact, just this week, I was explaining the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President Weizman, President Clinton, and His Holiness the Pope, who had asked my opinion."  

The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a disciple) - "Shoveling snow is a distraction from our efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow will have miraculously disappeared anyway."   Now, if I could just find my boots.

JWR contributor Jordan Max is a Toronto-based humorist and columnist for The Candian Jewish News.

Yiddish Song Letter Play
 BY ALAN STILLSON
 What would happen if one letter were changed in the title of a Yiddish song?
 How would it change the meaning?

 Bet Mir Bistu Shein - $100 say's she'll win the beauty contest. 

Belt, Mein Shtetele Belt - a nostalgic song for all the Jews who live near the Parkway in southern Brooklyn or Queens.  

Un Oz Der Rebbe Zingt - the students will follow the Rabbi down the yellow brick road.  

Oi Mamme! Gin Ich Farliebt - hopelessly in love with a Martini drinker.  

Ice Fuhr Aheim - I'm going to play hockey in Israel.  

Roshenkes Wit Mandlin - this lullaby will give the baby a good sense of humor.  

Wus Seven Is Seven Un Nitu - memories of winning at the craps table.  

Der Neier Lid - a new cover for the milchik sauce pan.  Lie Greene Kuseene - about a country cousin who seldom tells the truth.

 Ich Bill Zich Shpielen - Monica Lewinsky's song.

Yiddish Native American Humor
A mol iz geven drai Indians. Di mama, Pocayenta, der tate, Geronowitz, un di tokhter, Minihorowitz.
Ein tog, kumt aheim Minihorowitz un zogt, "Mama, ikh vil heretn!"

"Heretn! 'siz shoyn tsait! Du bist yetst an alte moid! Zekhtsen yor alt! Ver iz der bokher?""Oy, Mama, hob ikh getrofn mit a bokher! Shtark, heldish, ..." "Vos iz zain nomen?" "Sitting Bulvon." "Vos far a yikhus hot er?" "Zeyn tate iz Meshigine Ferd, der gantser macher fun di Shvartsfus tribe." "Oy, veln mir hobn a khasene! Ale di Shvartsfus, ale di Shmohawks, un di gantse mishpokhe...
Oy oy oy, mir hobn ein tsore!" "Vos iz di mer?" "Di tsipi iz nisht groys genuk far ale di gestn fun khasene.
Geronowitz! Geronowitz, shtey af dem tukhes un gei krig far mir a buffalo!" "Farvus vilstu a buffalo?" "Mitn fleish fun buffalo, ken ikh makhen a gut gedempte buffalo tsimis.
Un mitn pelts ken ikh makhen groyser di tsipi, un mir veln kenen ainleidn di gantse velt tsum khasene!" Geit avek Geronowitz. Ein tog. Tsvei tog. Nisht ken Geronowitz.
A vokh shpeter, kumt aheim Geronowitz, mit gornisht in zeyn hent. "Shlemeil! Vu iz mayn buffalo?" zogt Pocayente. "Du un dayn buffalo tsimis! Ikh hob eikh beide in bod!" "Vos iz di mer?" "Ershtn tog, hob ikh gezen a buffalo. Nit groys genuk far tsipi, nit gut genug far tsimis. Tsveitn tug, hob ikh gezen an andere buffalo. Gut genuk, groys genuk, ober mit aza farfoilte pelts! A mieskayt fun a buffalo, hob ikh keinmol nit gezen! A por mer teg, hob ikh gezen an andere buffalo. Groys genuk, gut genuk, a perfect buffalo!" "Nu, vuden?"

"Vuden? Bin ikh gegangn tsu shokhetn de buffalo. Hob ikh gekukt in mayn tash, un Goyishe Kop! Ikh hob genumen mit mir di milkhedike tomahawk!"

English Translation of above story
There was this family of Schmohawk Indians sitting around the shtetl one night. The papa, Geronowitz; the mama, Pocayenta; and the beautiful young daughter, Minihorowitz. "So, nu," says the daughter, "You'll never believe."

"What?" says the mama.
"Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage."
"Yes?" says the mama, "so what did you say?"
"I said Yes."
"You said Yes?"
"I said Yes."
"That's wonderful," says the mama. "She said Yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz?
Our little Minihorowitz is getting married!"
"I heard," says the papa, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?"
"Sittin' Bialy." "Sittin' Bialy?" says the mama, "of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"
"That's the one," says Minihorowitz. "Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them! How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?" "We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.
"Geronowitz! Get me a buffalo!"
"What, at this hour?"
"No, Geronowitz, for the wedding! I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo!" So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and a night and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and another night, and still no sign of him. Another day and half the night, and Geronowitz comes home. Exhausted.  Staggering. And empty-handed. "Geronowitz! I've been worried sick. Where have you been? And where's my buffalo?!" "It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high, and I hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo. But this
buffalo, he made Mickey Rooney look strong. It was a tiny, scrawny little buffalo, with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day. "The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, from this way and that way, and I finally found a buffalo. He was a big buffalo, with lots of meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. 'This, 'I thought to myself, 'is not the buffalo for MY daughter's wedding.' So again, I settled in for the night to try again the next day. "The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way, going up hills and down hills, and I found a buffalo. It was a big buffalo. It was, as buffalos go, a beautiful buffalo. It was, if I say so myself, the perfect buffalo. 'This,' I says to myself, 'is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding.' "So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk, as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. Raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck, when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."

"See what?" says Pocayenta.
"I've brought the dairy tomahawk!"

 
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