harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 27
Minyan
Restaurant
Rabbi's Speech
Rabbi of few Words
G-d and Eve speak
Jewish Light Bulb Questions and Answers
Made-up Personals from Israeli Newspapers
A Story
Work Rules
What is Kosher
Jewish Wisdom
Who is an Israeli
Solomonic Decisions
Israelites Sue G-d for Breach of Covenant

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
What is Kosher
Conversation with G-d and Moshe on top of Mt. Sinai....
G-d: And remember Moshe, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moshe: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

G-d: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
Moshe: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to drink milk so the two are not in our stomachs.

G-d: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in it's mother's milk!!!
Moshe: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish in the dirt outside...

G-d: Oh Moses, do whatever the hell you want....

Rabbi of few Words
Rabbi Schwartz answers his phone.
"Hello.  this Rabbi Schwartz?"
 "It is."
"This is the IRS.  Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000?"
"He will."
Jewish Wisdom
  My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
  David Steinberg

  I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
  Henny Youngman  

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
  Jules Farber  

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
  Lenny Bruce  

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
  Calvin Trillin  

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
  Golda Meir  

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
  Peter Malkin  

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
  Sam Levenson  

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
  Joe E. Lewis  

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
  Jackie Mason  

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
  Woody Allen  

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
  George Burns  

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
  Mort Sahl  

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
  Milton Berle  

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
  Sam Goldwyn  

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
  Ernie Kovacs  

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
  George Burns
 

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
  Henry Kissinger

Who is an Israeli
Over the past year and a half, local celebrities have answered the question "Who is an Israeli?" To widen the
perspective, the weekend magazine of the Ma'ariv newspaper opened up a telephone line to the public, so they could contribute their own answers to that difficult question.

Here are some of the responses:"An Israeli is someone who knows what's better for you than you do."

"An Israeli is someone who goes to Cyprus for the weekend and has his entire family waiting for him at the airport when he gets back."

"An Israeli is someone who will always look for somebody to blame instead of looking for a solution."

"An Israeli is someone who sits in his living room and uses his cellular phone to call his wife in the next room and tell her to bring him some sunflower seeds."

"An Israeli is someone with 1,000 excuses as to why he couldn't do whatever it was you asked of him.""An Israeli is someone who will drive two and a half hours to save 50 shekels by shopping at the shuk - but when he gets back to his car he'll find a parking ticket for 100 shekels."

"An Israeli is someone who loves life in Israel, especially when he's abroad."

"An Israeli is someone who signals left, but turns right."

"An Israeli is someone who'll curse you at a stoplight, cut in front of you in line, recognize you from the army if you bump into him abroad, and start up a conversation with you if you're sitting across from him in the Kupat Holim waiting room."

"An Israeli is someone who hopes for the best and prepares for the worst."

"An Israeli is someone who spits his cigarette out his car window in Israel and in the next breath complains that the streets abroad are much cleaner than the ones at home."

"An Israeli is someone who will praise and support you only after you're dead."

"An Israeli is someone who will do anything to get out of reserve duty in times of peace, and will do anything to be able to serve during times of war."

"An Israeli is someone who isn't embarrassed to ask you how much money you make.""An Israeli is someone who knows the answer before you ask the question."

"An Israeli is someone who can bankrupt an 'all you can eat' restaurant."

"An Israeli is someone who does not know how to say 'please,' 'excuse me' or 'thank you' - but in your hour of need will walk through fire to lend you a hand.

Solomonic Decisions
Yossi and Yitzhak are on a train across Poland, each on his way to meet a prospective bride on the other side of the country. Halfway there, Yitzhak turns to Yossi and says, "Forget about this whole marriage thing. I just don't like the idea." So he gets off at the next stop and makes his way back home.

Meanwhile, Yossi continues on and is met at the final destination by the mothers of the two prospective brides. When the mothers realize what has happened, they instantly begin to fight over whose daughter should wed this precious little boychik. "He's mine!" cries one. "Not on your life," cries the other, "He will marry my daughter!"After bickering for a while, Yossi and the two mothers decide to go the rebbe and ask him to resolve the situation. In the grand tradition of the ancients, the rebbe replies, "Well, there is only one solution to this problem. Cut the boy in half, and you each take half home with you."

At this, the first mother looks shocked, while the second mother grins and cries emphatically, "Yah! Cut him in half!!" The rebbe points to the second mother and says, "THAT is the real mother-in-law. Case closed."

Work Rules
 An Israeli fellow stopped at a petrol station and, after filling the tank on his car, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.  He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.  One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.  The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.  The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
  "Rega, rega  (Hold it, hold it)," he said to the men.  "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the Keren Kayemet (JNF), " one of the men said.
  "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.  You're not accomplishing anything.  Aren't you wasting the Jewish People's money?"
  "You don't understand, chaver," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Shlomo and Yitzchak.  I dig the hole, Yitzchak sticks in the tree and Shlomo here puts the dirt back.
  Now, just because Yitzchak's sick, that don't mean that Shlomo and I can't work."
G-d and Eve speak.....
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to G-d, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And, I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Jewish Light Bulb Questions and Answers
Q: How many Hassidic Rebbes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?

Q: How many Conservative Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Call a committee meeting.

Q: How many Reform Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.

Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends.

  • One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit from electricity from nuclear power.
  • Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb.
  • Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Light bulb."
  • Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psyho-halachic
    implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

Q: How many Shlomo hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gevaldt, it's mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun, listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitchak story, and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.

Q: How many Reconstructionist Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does, one to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does, one to wish they were doing what the Renewal rabbi does, and one eventually to change the bulb.

Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.

Q: How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it never died.

Q: How many Breslover Hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There will never be one that will burn as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many congregates does it take to change a light bulb in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My grandmother donated that light bulb!!!

Made-up Personals from Israeli Newspapers
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parent's house.

Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it?

I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. Yeshiva bochur,

Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles.  Seeks non-smoker.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind.

Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties.

Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and
krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK.

RESTAURANT

Rabbi Friedman, did a double-take: there in the restaurant, clearly visible through the large window, was the president of his congregation. And yes, that was a bowl of clam chowder the Waitress was setting before him.

As the rabbi watched in horror, the main dish, jumbo shrimp wrapped in bacon was set down next. Oblivious to the rabbi's disgusted visage, the president ate his way through his dinner.

As he left the restaurant, the rabbi accosted him saying: "You, you of all people, leader of the congregation, supposed to be an example, how could you eat such traife!?" 

The president replied: "you saw me eat the soup? And the shrimp? Yes, and yes came the Reply. "Then there is no problem - I ate my food under rabbinical supervision!"

MINYAN

A Jewish man passing through Texas for a few day stay on business checked into a rooming house in a very what you would call a frontier town.

Not to be conspicuous, he dressed himself in western attire and went in to the only saloon in town. He was surrounded by men in cowboy clothes, wearing six shooters and looking very gruff. He ordered a beer.

While sipping his beer and trying to be as inconspicuous as possible the biggest burliest, scroungiest looking specimen walks in and proclaims, "Ah, hears there is a Jew in here!"  The Jewish man cringes, says nothing. "Ah know you're in here and you better speak up," says the western man. 

The Jewish man knows that sooner or later he would have to face up to him and accept the consequences of being Jewish especially in such a remote place as this.

He stands up proudly and says," I AM A JEW!"  The westerner stares at him angrily, "What the HELL are you hiding for?  Come with me, ah needs you for a minyan."

A Story
An angel is taking new arrivals on a tour of heaven.  He opens a door with a sign on it that says "REFORM" in large letters.

Inside, they see a vast hall where there are multitudes of Reform Jews all laughing, talking, and eating.  When they see the new arrivals everyone smiles and waves. Next the angel takes them down the hall to a door with a sign that says "CONSERVATIVE." 

Again the angel opens the door and there are multitudes of people laughing, talking, eating.  When they see the new arrivals they all smile and wave. Finally, the angel says, "Ok.  Now, when I show you the next room, you'll have to just peek in and be very quiet.  Be careful not to make the slightest sound." 

As they approach the door they see a big sign that says "ORTHODOX."As they were instructed, they peek inside and see multitudes of Orthodox Jews laughing, talking and eating. Then the angel quietly shuts the door.

After the door is closed one of the newcomers asks, "Why did we have to be quiet?"

"Because," said the angel, "they think they're the only ones here!!!"

Rabbi's Speech
In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos.

Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah.  But he didn't want to miss The Rabbi's sermon.  So, he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire "Shabbos goys" to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. 

Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the Rabbi. The Rabbi got wise to this.  The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon machines.

Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

 
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