harry Leichter Jewish Humor
Jewish Humor 28

The Purim Episodes of Prime Time TV shows
Every year, prime-time television shows have their Christmas episodes and their Halloween episodes. Well, this year, Jewish leaders have petitioned the networks to create Purim episodes for their top hits as well. The networks have agreed, and what follows are the plots for the upcoming Purim episodes of a number of popular TV shows.

NYPD Blue: In a sequel to the "Sefer Torah" episode, a group of Chassidim come to the precinct to report that their Megillah has been stolen. Sipowicz comments that "them Jews sure use a lot of scrolls," then goes undercover once again as a Chasid to catch the culprit. At one point, tensions arise between the Rabbi and Lt. Fancy, who is accused of not doing enough to help the Chassidim because he is black. Meanwhile, Kirkendahl and Medavoy pursue a serial killer who has been attacking his victims dressed up as Haman. The suspect is captured, and he turns out to be a schizophrenic, who actually believes himself to be Haman. Jill, playing along with his delusion, comes in to the coffee room dressed as queen Esther, at which point the killer confesses and begs for mercy.

Law and Order: A man walks into the local Jewish bakery to buy some bread. As his approaches the counter, he notices that the owner has been shot and killed. He screams. Curtis and Briscoe come to check out the crime scene, and note that all the hamentashen have been stolen. After wasting about 20 minutes pursuing false leads, they eventually arrest a suspect. The suspect is charged with murder. McCoy meets with the suspect's lawyer and offers Murder 2, 20-to-life. The lawyer responds by handing McCoy a motion to suppress the recovered hamentashen, on which the suspects fingerprints were found. It turns out that Lenny had eaten one of the hamentashen prior to making the arrest, and the lawyer claims that it might have had the fingerprints of the real murderer. Despite the ludicrousness of the claim, the judge grants the motion. McCoy is determined to figure out a way to get his man. His assistant grimly states that conspiracy to steal baked goods is only a C-felony. To which McCoy responds "yes, but some of the hamentashen were poppy, which is used to make opium, and drug trafficking carries a sentence of 15-to-life. At the trial, the defense council tries to make an issue out of the fact the Lenny has a Jewish father, and things turn ugly. The defendant is convicted, and on the way down the courthouse steps, Adam Schiff remarks wryly that "every generation has its Haman."

Friends: Ross throws a big Purim party for all his friends. Upon hearing that it's a costume party, Joey announces his plan to come as a eunuch because, he says slyly, "He's the one who guards the harem." Monica and Rachel get drunk while baking the hamentashen and as a prank, add laxatives to the batter. Chandler shows up at the costume store to pick up his Dracula costume, but is given an Elvira costume instead. He doesn't realize and wears it to the party, which further convinces all his friends that he's gay. Meanwhile, Monica and Rachel have realized what they did, but the tainted hamentashen have already been put out. Rachel, dressed as Queen Vashti, distracts the crowd, while Monica switches the hamentashen. She finishes just in time to save Rachel, who's been doing her best to stall. Ross has a flashback to an earlier Purim party where he came dressed as King Achashverosh and Rachel came as Queen Esther. Their eyes met from across the room, but before he could make his move, another guy dressed as Haman asked her to dance. Joey is confused at his inability to pick up women, and Chandler finally explains to him exactly what a eunuch is. Joey responds by saying "oooooh." At the end of the evening Phoebe plays her new Purim song on the guitar: Eat those hamentashen / Don't worry that you're noshin' / And don't think that I'm joshin' / You can eat those hamentashen.

E.R.: Mark confronts old demons arising from the time he sent his agnostic Jewish father Mishloach Manot and had it returned to sender. Meanwhile, a whole group of senior citizens from the Beth Jacob Home for the Elderly show up with severe diarrhea, having indulged in too many prune hamentashen at the annual Purim party. After being prodded by the nurses, Carter agrees to dress up as King Achashverosh to entertain the Jewish children in the pediatric ward. Anna, mistakenly thinking that it is her boyfriend dressed up as the King, drags Carter into one of the surgical supply closets. When she finds that it was indeed Carter, she realizes that they were meant to be together.

Chicago Hope: Oh please, who really cares?!

The Simpsons: After convincing a parole board that he is rehabilitated, Sideshow Bob is released from prison and is later appointed as Deputy Mayor. As he walks around Springfield, he notices that Krusty's father, Rabbi Krustovsky, doesn't say hello to him. Insulted, he convinces Mayor Quimby to expel all the Jews from Springfield. Kent Borckman sadly reports the news, then comments that the station is looking for a new writer, a new director, and a new producer. At the Qwickie Mart, Apu comments to Marge that "for once someone is getting persecuted and it's not me." Smithers remarks to Mr. Burns that he hates to see any minority group being hurt since he "knows how it feels." Marge says that this reminds her of "The Diary of Anne Frank," at which point Homer salivates as he pictures a nice juicy hot dog and thinks 'uhluhluhluhl, frank." Meanwhile, Lisa comments how "discrimination hurts all of us, not just the Jews" and urges Bart to "do something." Bart hatches a plan. He gets Rabbi Krustovsky to have his niece Marilyn get romantically involved with the Mayor, which she does. Marilyn then reveals to the Mayor that she's Jewish and the Mayor decrees that "the Jews shall remain in Springfield--which itself sounds like a Jewish name." Police Chief Wiggum, ready to carry out the expulsion, tells his men to resume their normal duties, at which point they all start eating doughnuts. Mayor Quimby instructs Chief Wiggum to arrest Sideshow Bob. Sideshow Bob tries to run away, but Bart trips him. As he's being led away he swears "revenge, sweet sweet revenge" on Bart. Guest appearances by Kelsey Grammer as Sideshow Bob, Jackie Mason as Rabbi Krustovsky, and Debra Winger as Marilyn.

The Drew Carey Show: On Purim night, Drew and the gang drive a truckload of Buzz Beer over to the Telz Yeshiva High School for Boys. Having heard about Drew's plans, Mimi shows up as well; despite having come in her everyday clothes, she wins the contest for best costume. During Megillah reading, Oswald giggles uncontrollably every time the ba'al koreh says the name "Memoochan." Afterward, as the students get drunk on Buzz Beer, one of them comments to Kate that she's one good looking shiksa. The party is raucous and wild, and at the end a drunken Drew-who has come dressed as the Browns' mascot-is made an honorary Jew and given a Telz jacket.

The X Files: Mulder and Scully are sent to an old Jewish community in the South where, for the past four years a Jew has been viciously murdered on Purim night. They talk to the local Rabbi, who says that he knows who's doing the killing, but that the local police won't listen to him. He relays to them an old midrash that states that while Haman's ten sons were all hanged by Mordechai, the next morning, only nine bodies were found hanging from the trees--Haman's son Dalphon had mysteriously disappeared. The Rabbi further quotes the midrash as saying that Dalphon was granted eternal life by the Devil in exchange for killing a Jew every Purim night. The Rabbi says that there is a man in town named Jack Dalphon, who he's sure is the second son of Haman and is the one committing the murders. Scully is skeptical of this old Jewish legend, but Mulder believes it. They question Jack Dalphon but can't pin the murders on him. The next night--Purim night--is cold and stormy. Mulder and Scully stand outside the synagogue as the congregants leave after Megillah reading. They notice Jack Dalphon following an old Jewish man. They approach him and he takes off. They chase him through an abandoned warehouse, and Jack tries to escape by jumping into the elevator shaft. But his head gets caught in the cable, and he is instantly hanged. Mulder and Scully go call the police, but when they return to cut down the body, Dalphon is gone. Spooky music...

Beverly Hills 90210: Andrea decides to throw a big Purim party at the Peach Pit. During the party, Donna is decidedly melancholy. When confronted by Steve, she reveals that her first true love was Jewish, but that his parents wouldn't let him continue to see her; they broke up on Purim. Kelly brings a gorgeous date to party, but while she is in the bathroom, Valerie makes an offhanded comment that Kelly's AIDS treatment is going very well. When the boyfriend drops her off, he declines her offer for a kiss goodnight.

Mad About You: Paul's parents are nervous about the upcoming Purim seudah with Jamie's parents, who are gentile. "We're celebrating the fact that our ancestors killed their ancestors", worries Paul's mother. The evening does, in fact, get off to a disastrous start when Paul's mother overhears Jamie's mother complaining how the Jews have too many holidays and Jamie's sister Lisa shows up dressed as Grand Inquisitor Torqemadah. In the end, the tension is relieved when they all laugh upon discovering that Murry ate the entire Turkey while the family was busy trying to get Mabel into her bunny costume. The Buckmans and Stempels decide to have their seudah at Jamie and Paul's favorite restaurant, where a confused Ursula accidentally brings them the roast pig.

Ally McBeal: On Purim day, Ally has a series of crises in which she is abusive to her secretary Elaine, worries aloud to her roommate that she will never find Mr. Right, has a personal conversation in the bathroom which is overheard by Richard Fish who's hiding in one of the stalls, and recalls an old intimate moment with Billy. This doesn't actually have anything to do with Purim-it's basically the plot of every episode.

Star Trek: Voyager: Captain Janeway and her away team beam down to a strange planet, where they discover Captain Robert McVeigh, long assumed dead after having gone missing during Starfleet's first exploration mission to the delta quadrant. In turns out that Captain McVeigh had crashed landed on this planet which has a society exactly like that of Earth's ancient Persia. He has installed himself as King, and is now known as McVeighrosh. His second in command, a native man named Daman is viciously persecuting a minority group on the planet known as the "Jewts." The Jewts are a very religious people, and are constantly praying to an entity that they call "The Rock." After saving the Jews from annihilation, Janeway and her crew return to Voyager. Janeway wonders aloud why a group of people as advanced as the Jews would still be praying to a rock. Paris has an epiphany and proclaims that they're not praying to *a rock*-they're praying to *The Rock of Ages*. Everyone on the bridge nods in agreement.

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