| Newletters
Mistakes |
- Don't
let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.
- Join
us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and
medication to follow.
-
Remember in prayer the many
who are sick of our congregation.
-
For those of you who have children
and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-
We are pleased to announce the
birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
- Thursday
at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private
study.
-
The ladies of Hadassah have
cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on
Tuesdays.
- A
bean supper will be held Wed. even. in the community center. Music
will follow.
- Weight
Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double
door at the side entrance.
- Rabbi
is on vacation. Massages can be given to his
secretary.
-
Mrs. Glodblum will be entering
the hospital this week for testes.
-
The Men's Club is warmly invited
to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah.
-
Refreshments will be served
for a nominal feel.
-
Please join us as we show our
support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first
child.
- We
are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the
sanctuary. All those
wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece
of paper.
-
If you enjoy sinning, the choir
is looking for you!
- The
Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan
this week: "I Upped My
Pledge - Up Yours."
|
| Maharishi
Naru |
An
elderly woman climbed three flights of stairs, opened a carved mahogany
door and walked into an exotically furnished reception room. A gong
sounded and out of a cloud of incense appeared a beautiful brunette
Oriental.
"Do you" she said softly,
"wish to meet with His Omnipotence, the wise, all-knowing, all-seeing guru,
Maharishi Naru?"
"Yeah," said the gray-haired
woman. "Tell Sheldon his mother is here from the Bronx!" |
| Prize
Winner |
A
blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to drinking it.
She looks on the side of
her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pull off the tab and yells,
"I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home! I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs
over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was
a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a
motor home!"
By this time the manager
makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won
a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the
blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"
The blonde hands the
prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL." |
| The Irvings |
| Getting
the jump on the Oscars this weekend are the "Irvings," awarded for excellence in Jewish movies this week in Miami
Beach at the Rascal House. The Early Bird will be canceled that night.
The following have been nominated:
-
THE SIX CENTS - 3 Jews each put in their 2 cents worth
-
GOY STORY 2 - Jewish man divorces a shiksa, marries
another
-
ISN'T SHE GEVALDIK - Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline
Susann
-
SUPERNOVA - Space scientists discover powerful strains
of lox
-
SNOW FALLING ON SEDERS - Unexpected storm disrupts
Passover
-
ANGELA'S KASHAS - Woman reveals secret recipe
-
GIRLS, INTERRUPTED - Women's section of shul shushed
during davening
-
STUART LADLE - Mouse makes chicken soup on Shabbos
-
THE SEDER HOUSE RULES - Zadie lays down the law on
Pesach
THE TALMUDIC MR. RIPLEY - Believe it or not, he
knows gemorah
|
| Jewish Movies |
-
Gonif with the Wind - a thief tries to acquire ownership
of Tara through a forged deed.
-
The Putzman Rings Twice - a mohel murder mystery
-
Schnorer Rae - a freeloader tries to get in on the
union movement
-
Balaboosta Cockburn - John Wayne's wife memorizes
Grossinger cookbook
-
The Good, the Chabbad, and the Ugly - a kosher noodle
western
-
Moby Dreck - Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of
the whale
-
The Cincinnati Yid - Steve McQueen uses some of his
poker winnings to start a reform congregation
-
Litvak Big Man - Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents
are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant
-
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kibbitzer - Paul Newman
and Robert Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims
-
Bridge over the River Kvetch - the extras complain
that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips
-
The Creature from the Black Latke - an overdone potato
pancake turns into a monster
-
Mamza Poppins - a talented nanny has questions about
her birth legitimacy
-
The Matzo Candidate - Frank Sinatra is brainwashed
into thinking it's always Passover
-
Mister Schnapps Goes to Washington - Jimmy Stewart
thinks he's still filming Harvey
-
Driedls of the Lost Ark - Harrison Ford plays Chanukah
games
-
Aleph Doesn't Live Here Anymore - neither the waitress
nor the old Hebrew school can be found
-
Borscht-time for Bonzo - Ronald Regan tries to train
an Ashkenazi monkey
Singing in the Ch'rain - Gene Kelly gets horseradish
on his umbrella
|
| Three Jewish
Mothers |
Three
Jewish
Mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offsprings. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Judy," said Mrs. Levine
with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the
Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend
a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Lois does for
me," declared Mrs. Stein proudly. "Every winter she treats me to
two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my
own private guest house." Mrs. Lipkin sat back with
a proud smile.
"Nobody loves her mother like my Patty does, nobody."
So what does she do?" asked the two
women,
turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab,
goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty
dollars
an hour---just to talk about me." |
| Tax Return |
Moshe
Shofar, The owner of a small Kosher New York sandwich deli, was being questioned
by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit
of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli
owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place
is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made
$80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent
said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to
Florida for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It
is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver." |
| The Reward |
Gamal Abdel Nasser, the nationalistic Egyptian
dictator, while walking along along the shores of a lake, somehow managed
to fall in, was seized with a cramp, floundered into deeper water, and
was soon thrashing about
helplessly. Fortunately for him, a teen-ager
who happened to be in the vicinity came running, threw himself into the
water, and pulled out the dictator.
Once Nasser recovered, he said, "What is your
name, young man? You will be rewarded."
The young man, aware now of who it was he had
rescued and finding men in military uniforms all around him, said through
chattering teeth, "My name is Abraham Mizrachi, sir."
"A Jew!" said Nasser with astonishment.
"Well, no matter. You saved my life. What can I do for you?"
"Just one thing," said the teen-ager. "For
God's sake, don't tell my father." |
| Israeli Work
Rules |
An
Israeli fellow stopped at a petrol station and, after filling the tank
on his car, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car
to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet
deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the
hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind
filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the
soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man
tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the
men.
"Rega, rega (Hold it, hold it)," he said
to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the Keren Kayemet (Jewish
National Fund), " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the
other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting
the Jewish People's money?"
"You don't understand, chaver," one of the
men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's
three of us--me, Shlomo and Yitzchak.
I dig the hole, Yitzchak sticks in the tree
and Shlomo here puts the dirt back.
Now, just because Yitzchak's sick, that
don't mean that Shlomo and I can't work." |
| The King's Advisor |
| Once upon a time in a far away land there lived
a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom
of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to head advisor.
After it was announced, the other advisors objected. After all, it was
bad enough just to sit in counsel with a Jew. But to allow one to 'Lord
it over them,' was just too much to bear.
Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with
them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew do? One had to
obey the King, and so he did. As soon as the act was done, the Jew felt
great remorse for
this terrible decision. As days became weeks,
his remorse turned to despondency, and as months passed, his mental depression
took its toll on his physical health. He became weaker and weaker. Finally
he could stand it no longer. His mind was made up. He burst in on the king
and cried, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I must die. Do what you want with
me, But I can no longer deny my faith." The King was
very surprised. He had no idea that
the Jew felt so strongly about it. "Well, if that is how you feel," he
said, "then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it.
Your counsel is much too important to me to do without. Go and be a Jew
again" he said.
The Jew felt elated. He hurried back
home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back
into his body
as he ran. Finally, he burst into the house and called out to his wife. "Rivkah, Rivkah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again." His wife
GLARED back at him angrily and said, "You couldn't wait until after Passover?" |
| Matzoh
Ball Soup in your Survival Kit |
| A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year
posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for
miles.
Much to his surprise, included in the survival
gear that they give him, is a recipe for matzo balls. When
he asks why he's receiving a matzo ball recipe,
he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really*
starts to get to you, you'll pull out this matzo ball recipe and start
to mix it together."
"Within five minutes you'll have a half a
dozen
Jewish women hovering over you telling you what you're doing wrong!" |
| Where
would we be without the Shabbos Goy |
| In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed
quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community
came every Shabbos.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to
visit
Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss
The Rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit
in the congregation and tape the
sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other
congregants saw what was going on, and they
also decided to hire "Shabbos goys" to tape the sermon so they could play
golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks time there were
500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the Rabbi. The Rabbi
got wise to this. The following
Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play
his prerecoded sermon machines.
Witnesses said this marked
the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation." |
| RSVP |
Kravetz
and the missus were stuck. They'd
just received an invitation to a very high-class wedding but couldn't figure
out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP.
"If only our son, the college grad, was here,
he'd know," sighed Mrs. Kravetz as she kissed her husband good-bye.
She pondered the problem all day and finally in
a moment of triumph called Kravetz at the shop. "Darling, I've figured
it out," she shrieked. "RSVP means Remember Send Vedding Present." |
| THE JEWISH MERCHANT
RIDING SHOTGUN |
In
the early 1800's this old Jewish merchant had to go to Omaha on business.
He presented himself to the stagecoach office and asked, "How much ah teeket
to Omaha?"
The clerk responded, "$5.00."
"Too much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain't
got $5.00; I only got $2.00, so dere!"
"Well you ain't goin ta Omaha for $2.00, so forget
it!" said the clerk.
"Liss'n, I got ta get ta Omaha; I got vely
imput'n biness dere. Pliss! Maybe you could do sumtink for me?"
"I'll tell you what I can do" said the clerk.
"We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2.00 and you could
ride shotgun."
"Vutaya talkin' ride shotgun? I need ta
ride on da stegecoych to Omaha!" said the old man.
"No, No! You don't understand!" said the clerk.
"You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and
if you see any Indians, you shoot 'em."
"Vut you talkin' shoot Indians? I ain't
never shot no Indians" replied the merchant.
"Listen to me! It's easy. You see
an Indian; you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give
me the $2.00 and get up there with the driver," demanded the clerk.
So the old merchant climbed up with the driver
and off they rode into the prairie. About 3 hours into the trip,
the driver asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
"Yep, I see vone." said the old Jewish merchant.
"How far away is he?" asked the driver.
"How could I know dis?" asked the old guy.
"Well how big does he look?" asked the driver.
The old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the
driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart,
and said, "He looks dis big; should I shoot 'em?"
"Not yet," said the driver. "You'll never
hit him; he's too far away. Wait 'till he gets closer." Another couple
of hours passed and once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?"
"Yep, I still see 'em." "How far away is he now?" asked the driver.
Again the old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and
this time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart, and said,
"He looks dis big; should I shoot 'em yet?"
"Not yet," said the driver. "He's still
too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I'll tell you when to shoot 'em."
Well this same litany continued every few hours
for several days. Each time, the Old Jewish merchant would hold his
fingers a little further apart, and then his hands apart, a little further
each time, to indicate how big the Indian looked, and each time he'd ask,
"Should I shoot 'em?'
and each time, the driver would say, "Not yet,
I'll tell you when."
On the third day of their journey through the
prairie on their way to Omaha, when asked if he still saw the Indian, the
old guy demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading his arms as far as he
could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian now looked
very big.
The driver said, "Okay, Now he's close enough. Now
you can shoot 'em!"
The old man hesitated and then said, "Nah ..........
I couldn' shoot 'em."
"Whadya mean you cain't shoot 'em? Why not?" demanded
the driver.
The old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the
driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart,
and said, "How could I shoot 'em? .... I've known him since he vas
dis big!" |
| Mortimer H. Stein |
| Mortimer H. Stein, having absconded with $100,000,
stepped into a time machine, went seven years into the future, and stepped
out again, feeling that the statue of limitations now protected him from
trial.
He was arrested anyway, and the prosecution claimed
that in order to avoid trial, the criminal ought to have lived through
seven years in constant apprehension of arrest -- that being considered
the adequate punishment
that made sense out of a statue of limitations. The
defense contended that the law said nothing about living through seven
years. It only said that seven years had
to pass. The defendant had hidden in time, so to speak, and that
was no different from hiding in space, unless the law was amended to make
it so.
The judge finally handed down his decision
in favor
of the defendant. It was in six words only, for he said, "A niche
in time saves Stein." |
| Israeli
Independence |
Two
Jews were sitting in a Tel Aviv cafe in the precarious days after Israel
first had won its independence, and one said to the other, "I only see
one way out."
"What's that?"
"Israel must declare war on the United States."
"What are you talking about? How could that
possibly help us?"
"Well, we'd lose at once and the Americans would
send an occupying force. They would form an alliance with a new pro-American
government, guarantee our boundaries, flood us with American capital, establish
our industries, and make us prosperous."
"Hmmmm! I see your point, but it won't work."
"Why not?"
"Because with Jewish luck, we'd win the war and
spoil everything." |
| |
