|Tax Return||The Reward||RSVP|
|Jewish Movies||Haikus for Jews||Prize Winner|
|Riding Shotgun||Matzoh Ball Soup||Maharishi Naru|
|Mortimer H. Stein||Israeli Work Rules||The Shabbos Goy|
|The Irving Awards||Newletter Mistakes||Israeli Independence|
|The King's Advisor||Jewish Humor Books||Three Jewish Mothers|
elderly woman climbed three flights of stairs, opened a carved mahogany
door and walked into an exotically furnished reception room. A gong
sounded and out of a cloud of incense appeared a beautiful brunette
"Do you" she said softly, "wish to meet with His Omnipotence, the wise, all-knowing, all-seeing guru, Maharishi Naru?"
"Yeah," said the gray-haired woman. "Tell Sheldon his mother is here from the Bronx!"
blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to drinking it.
She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home! I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
the jump on the Oscars this weekend are the "Irvings," awarded for excellence in Jewish movies this week in Miami
Beach at the Rascal House. The Early Bird will be canceled that night.
The following have been nominated:
THE TALMUDIC MR. RIPLEY - Believe it or not, he knows gemorah
Singing in the Ch'rain - Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his umbrella
|Three Jewish Mothers|
Mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offsprings. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Judy," said Mrs. Levine
with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the
Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Lois does for me," declared Mrs. Stein proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house." Mrs. Lipkin sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Patty does, nobody." So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour---just to talk about me."
Shofar, The owner of a small Kosher New York sandwich deli, was being questioned
by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit
of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver."
| Gamal Abdel Nasser, the nationalistic Egyptian
dictator, while walking along along the shores of a lake, somehow managed
to fall in, was seized with a cramp, floundered into deeper water, and
was soon thrashing about
helplessly. Fortunately for him, a teen-ager who happened to be in the vicinity came running, threw himself into the water, and pulled out the dictator.
Once Nasser recovered, he said, "What is your name, young man? You will be rewarded."
The young man, aware now of who it was he had rescued and finding men in military uniforms all around him, said through chattering teeth, "My name is Abraham Mizrachi, sir."
"A Jew!" said Nasser with astonishment. "Well, no matter. You saved my life. What can I do for you?"
"Just one thing," said the teen-ager. "For God's sake, don't tell my father."
|Israeli Work Rules|
Israeli fellow stopped at a petrol station and, after filling the tank
on his car, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car
to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Rega, rega (Hold it, hold it)," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the Keren Kayemet (Jewish National Fund), " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the Jewish People's money?"
"You don't understand, chaver," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Shlomo and Yitzchak.
I dig the hole, Yitzchak sticks in the tree and Shlomo here puts the dirt back.
Now, just because Yitzchak's sick, that don't mean that Shlomo and I can't work."
|The King's Advisor|
| Once upon a time in a far away land there lived
a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom
of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to head advisor.
After it was announced, the other advisors objected. After all, it was
bad enough just to sit in counsel with a Jew. But to allow one to 'Lord
it over them,' was just too much to bear.
Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with
them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew do? One had to
obey the King, and so he did. As soon as the act was done, the Jew felt
great remorse for
The Jew felt elated. He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran. Finally, he burst into the house and called out to his wife. "Rivkah, Rivkah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again." His wife GLARED back at him angrily and said, "You couldn't wait until after Passover?"
|Matzoh Ball Soup in your Survival Kit|
| A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year
posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for
Much to his surprise, included in the survival gear that they give him, is a recipe for matzo balls. When he asks why he's receiving a matzo ball recipe, he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you'll pull out this matzo ball recipe and start to mix it together."
"Within five minutes you'll have a half a dozen Jewish women hovering over you telling you what you're doing wrong!"
|Where would we be without the Shabbos Goy|
| In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed
quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community
came every Shabbos.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to
Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss
The Rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit
in the congregation and tape the
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."
and the missus were stuck. They'd
just received an invitation to a very high-class wedding but couldn't figure
out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP.
"If only our son, the college grad, was here, he'd know," sighed Mrs. Kravetz as she kissed her husband good-bye.
She pondered the problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Kravetz at the shop. "Darling, I've figured it out," she shrieked. "RSVP means Remember Send Vedding Present."
|THE JEWISH MERCHANT RIDING SHOTGUN|
the early 1800's this old Jewish merchant had to go to Omaha on business.
He presented himself to the stagecoach office and asked, "How much ah teeket
The clerk responded, "$5.00."
"Too much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain't got $5.00; I only got $2.00, so dere!"
"Well you ain't goin ta Omaha for $2.00, so forget it!" said the clerk.
"Liss'n, I got ta get ta Omaha; I got vely imput'n biness dere. Pliss! Maybe you could do sumtink for me?"
"I'll tell you what I can do" said the clerk. "We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2.00 and you could ride shotgun."
"Vutaya talkin' ride shotgun? I need ta ride on da stegecoych to Omaha!" said the old man.
"No, No! You don't understand!" said the clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and if you see any Indians, you shoot 'em."
"Vut you talkin' shoot Indians? I ain't never shot no Indians" replied the merchant.
"Listen to me! It's easy. You see an Indian; you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give me the $2.00 and get up there with the driver," demanded the clerk.
So the old merchant climbed up with the driver and off they rode into the prairie. About 3 hours into the trip, the driver asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
"Yep, I see vone." said the old Jewish merchant.
"How far away is he?" asked the driver.
"How could I know dis?" asked the old guy.
"Well how big does he look?" asked the driver.
The old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "He looks dis big; should I shoot 'em?"
"Not yet," said the driver. "You'll never hit him; he's too far away. Wait 'till he gets closer." Another couple of hours passed and once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?" "Yep, I still see 'em." "How far away is he now?" asked the driver. Again the old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and this time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart, and said, "He looks dis big; should I shoot 'em yet?"
"Not yet," said the driver. "He's still too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I'll tell you when to shoot 'em."
Well this same litany continued every few hours for several days. Each time, the Old Jewish merchant would hold his fingers a little further apart, and then his hands apart, a little further each time, to indicate how big the Indian looked, and each time he'd ask, "Should I shoot 'em?'
and each time, the driver would say, "Not yet, I'll tell you when."
On the third day of their journey through the prairie on their way to Omaha, when asked if he still saw the Indian, the old guy demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian now looked very big.
The driver said, "Okay, Now he's close enough. Now you can shoot 'em!"
The old man hesitated and then said, "Nah .......... I couldn' shoot 'em."
"Whadya mean you cain't shoot 'em? Why not?" demanded the driver.
The old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could I shoot 'em? .... I've known him since he vas dis big!"
|Mortimer H. Stein|
| Mortimer H. Stein, having absconded with $100,000,
stepped into a time machine, went seven years into the future, and stepped
out again, feeling that the statue of limitations now protected him from
He was arrested anyway, and the prosecution claimed
that in order to avoid trial, the criminal ought to have lived through
seven years in constant apprehension of arrest -- that being considered
the adequate punishment
The judge finally handed down his decision in favor of the defendant. It was in six words only, for he said, "A niche in time saves Stein."
Jews were sitting in a Tel Aviv cafe in the precarious days after Israel
first had won its independence, and one said to the other, "I only see
one way out."
"Israel must declare war on the United States."
"What are you talking about? How could that possibly help us?"
"Well, we'd lose at once and the Americans would send an occupying force. They would form an alliance with a new pro-American government, guarantee our boundaries, flood us with American capital, establish our industries, and make us prosperous."
"Hmmmm! I see your point, but it won't work."
"Because with Jewish luck, we'd win the war and spoil everything."
Israeli History in a Nutshell
World Wide Jewish Publications
History of Israel
All Things Jewish
Jewish Communities of the World