harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 29
Tax Return The Reward RSVP
Jewish Movies Haikus for Jews Prize Winner
Riding Shotgun Matzoh Ball Soup Maharishi Naru
Mortimer H. Stein Israeli Work Rules The Shabbos Goy
The Irving Awards Newletter Mistakes Israeli Independence
The King's Advisor Jewish Humor Books Three Jewish Mothers

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...  
Newletters Mistakes
  • Don't let worry kill you.  Let your synagogue help.
  • Join us for our Oneg after services.  Prayer and medication to follow.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
  • Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.  All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study.
  • The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
  • A bean supper will be held Wed. even. in the community center.  Music will follow.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC.  Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
  • Rabbi is on vacation.  Massages can be given to his secretary.
  • Mrs. Glodblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
  • The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah.
  • Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
  • Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
  • We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary.  All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
  • If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
  • The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Maharishi Naru
An elderly woman climbed three flights of stairs, opened a carved mahogany door and walked into an exotically furnished reception room.  A gong sounded and out of a cloud of incense appeared a beautiful brunette
Oriental.
"Do you" she said softly, "wish to meet with His Omnipotence, the wise, all-knowing, all-seeing guru, Maharishi Naru?"
"Yeah," said the gray-haired woman.  "Tell Sheldon his mother is here from the Bronx!"
Prize Winner
 A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to drinking it.
She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize.  She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home!  I WON a motor home!"
 The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible.  The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"  The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
 By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"  Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"
 The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."
The Irvings
Getting the jump on the Oscars this weekend are the "Irvings," awarded for excellence in Jewish movies this week in Miami Beach at the Rascal House.  The Early Bird will be canceled that night.

The following have been nominated:

  • THE SIX CENTS - 3 Jews each put in their 2 cents worth
  • GOY STORY 2 - Jewish man divorces a shiksa, marries another
  • ISN'T SHE GEVALDIK - Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann
  • SUPERNOVA - Space scientists discover powerful strains of lox
  • SNOW FALLING ON SEDERS - Unexpected storm disrupts Passover
  • ANGELA'S KASHAS - Woman reveals secret recipe
  • GIRLS, INTERRUPTED - Women's section of shul shushed during davening
  • STUART LADLE - Mouse makes chicken soup on Shabbos
  • THE SEDER HOUSE RULES - Zadie lays down the law on Pesach

  • THE TALMUDIC MR. RIPLEY - Believe it or not, he knows gemorah
Jewish Movies
  • Gonif with the Wind - a thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
  • The Putzman Rings Twice - a mohel murder mystery
  • Schnorer Rae - a freeloader tries to get in on the union movement
  • Balaboosta Cockburn - John Wayne's wife memorizes Grossinger cookbook
  • The Good, the Chabbad, and the Ugly - a kosher noodle western
  • Moby Dreck - Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale
  • The Cincinnati Yid - Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation
  • Litvak Big Man - Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant
  • Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kibbitzer - Paul Newman and Robert Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims
  • Bridge over the River Kvetch - the extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips
  • The Creature from the Black Latke - an overdone potato pancake turns into a monster
  • Mamza Poppins - a talented nanny has questions about her birth legitimacy
  • The Matzo Candidate - Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking it's always Passover
  • Mister Schnapps Goes to Washington - Jimmy Stewart thinks he's still filming Harvey
  • Driedls of the Lost Ark - Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games
  • Aleph Doesn't Live Here Anymore - neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found
  • Borscht-time for Bonzo - Ronald Regan tries to train an Ashkenazi monkey

  • Singing in the Ch'rain - Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his umbrella
Three Jewish Mothers
Three Jewish Mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offsprings. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Judy," said Mrs. Levine with a sniff.  "Every summer she takes me to the
Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Lois does for me," declared Mrs. Stein proudly.  "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house." Mrs. Lipkin sat back with a proud smile.  "Nobody loves her mother like my Patty does, nobody." So what does she do?"  asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour---just to talk about me."

Tax Return
Moshe Shofar, The owner of a small Kosher New York sandwich deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.  He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year.  And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said.  "It's these travel deductions.  You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling.  "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver."
The Reward
Gamal Abdel Nasser, the nationalistic Egyptian dictator, while walking along along the shores of a lake, somehow managed to fall in, was seized with a cramp, floundered into deeper water, and was soon thrashing about
helplessly.  Fortunately for him, a teen-ager who happened to be in the vicinity came running, threw himself into the water, and pulled out the dictator.
Once Nasser recovered, he said, "What is your name, young man?  You will be rewarded."
The young man, aware now of who it was he had rescued and finding men in military uniforms all around him, said through chattering teeth, "My name is Abraham Mizrachi, sir."
"A Jew!" said Nasser with astonishment.  "Well, no matter.  You saved my life.  What can I do for you?"
"Just one thing," said the teen-ager.  "For God's sake, don't tell my father."
Israeli Work Rules
 An Israeli fellow stopped at a petrol station and, after filling the tank on his car, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
 One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked  right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
 "Rega, rega (Hold it, hold it)," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
 "Well, we work for the Keren Kayemet (Jewish National Fund), " one of the men said.
 "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the Jewish People's money?"
 "You don't understand, chaver," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Shlomo and Yitzchak.
 I dig the hole, Yitzchak sticks in the tree and Shlomo here puts the dirt back.
 Now, just because Yitzchak's sick, that don't mean that Shlomo and I can't work."
The King's Advisor
Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to head advisor. After it was announced, the other advisors objected. After all, it was bad enough just to sit in counsel with a Jew. But to allow one to 'Lord it over them,' was just too much to bear.

Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew do? One had to obey the King, and so he did. As soon as the act was done, the Jew felt great remorse for
this terrible decision. As days became weeks, his remorse turned to despondency, and as months passed, his mental depression took its toll on his physical health. He became weaker and weaker. Finally he could stand it no longer. His mind was made up. He burst in on the king and cried, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I must die. Do what you want with me, But I can no longer deny my faith." The King was very surprised. He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about it. "Well, if that is how you feel," he said, "then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it. Your counsel is much too important to me to do without. Go and be a Jew again" he said.

The Jew felt elated. He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran. Finally, he burst into the house and called out to his wife. "Rivkah, Rivkah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again." His wife GLARED back at him angrily and said, "You couldn't wait until after Passover?"

Matzoh Ball Soup in your Survival Kit
A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.

Much to his surprise, included in the survival gear that they give him, is a recipe for matzo balls. When he asks why he's receiving a matzo ball recipe, he is told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you'll pull out this matzo ball recipe and start to mix it together."

"Within five minutes you'll have a half a dozen Jewish women hovering over you telling you what you're doing wrong!"

Where would we be without the Shabbos Goy
In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbos.

Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah.  But he didn't want to miss The Rabbi's sermon.  So he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the congregation and tape the
sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire "Shabbos goys" to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul.  Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the Rabbi. The Rabbi got wise to this.  The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecoded sermon machines.

Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation."

RSVP
Kravetz and the missus were stuck.  They'd just received an invitation to a very high-class wedding but couldn't figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP.
"If only our son, the college grad, was here, he'd know," sighed Mrs. Kravetz as she kissed her husband good-bye.
She pondered the problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Kravetz at the shop.  "Darling, I've figured it out," she shrieked.  "RSVP means Remember Send Vedding Present."
THE JEWISH MERCHANT RIDING SHOTGUN
In the early 1800's this old Jewish merchant had to go to Omaha on business. He presented himself to the stagecoach office and asked, "How much ah teeket to Omaha?"
The clerk responded, "$5.00."
"Too much!" he complained.  "Anyvay, I ain't got $5.00;  I only got $2.00, so  dere!"
"Well you ain't goin ta Omaha for $2.00, so forget it!" said the clerk.
"Liss'n,  I got ta get ta Omaha; I got vely imput'n biness dere.  Pliss! Maybe you could do sumtink for me?"
"I'll tell you what I can do" said the clerk.  "We need somebody to ride shotgun.  Gimme the $2.00 and you could ride shotgun."
"Vutaya talkin' ride shotgun?  I need ta ride on da stegecoych to Omaha!" said the old man.
"No, No! You don't understand!" said the clerk.  "You ride up on the top with the driver.  You hold this rifle and if you see any Indians, you shoot 'em."
"Vut you talkin' shoot Indians?  I ain't never shot no Indians" replied the merchant.
"Listen to me!  It's easy.  You see an Indian; you point the gun at him and pull this trigger.  Just give me the $2.00 and get up there with the driver,"  demanded the clerk.
So the old merchant climbed up with the driver and off they rode into the prairie.  About 3 hours into the trip, the driver asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
"Yep, I see vone." said the old Jewish merchant.
"How far away is he?" asked the driver.
"How could  I know dis?" asked the old guy.
"Well how big does he look?" asked the driver.
The old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "He looks dis big; should I shoot 'em?"
"Not yet," said the driver.  "You'll never hit him; he's too far away. Wait 'till he gets closer."  Another couple of hours passed and once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?"  "Yep, I still see 'em."  "How far away is he now?" asked the driver.  Again the old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and this time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart, and said, "He looks dis big; should I shoot 'em yet?"
"Not yet," said the driver.  "He's still too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I'll tell you when to shoot 'em."
Well this same litany continued every few hours for several days.  Each time, the Old Jewish merchant would hold his fingers a little further apart, and then his hands apart, a little further each time, to indicate how big the Indian looked, and each time he'd ask, "Should I shoot 'em?'
and each time, the driver would say, "Not yet, I'll tell you when."
On the third day of their journey through the prairie on their way to Omaha, when asked if he still saw the Indian,  the old guy demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian now looked very big.
The driver said, "Okay, Now he's close enough.  Now you can shoot 'em!"
The old man hesitated and then said, "Nah .......... I couldn' shoot 'em."
"Whadya mean you cain't shoot 'em?  Why not?" demanded the driver.
The old Jewish guy put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could I shoot 'em? ....  I've known him since he vas dis big!"
Mortimer H. Stein
Mortimer H. Stein, having absconded with $100,000, stepped into a time machine, went seven years into the future, and stepped out again, feeling that the statue of limitations now protected him from trial.

He was arrested anyway, and the prosecution claimed that in order to avoid trial, the criminal ought to have lived through seven years in constant apprehension of arrest -- that being considered the adequate punishment
that made sense out of a statue of limitations. The defense contended that the law said nothing about living through seven years.  It only said that seven years had to pass.  The defendant had hidden in time, so to speak, and that was no different from hiding in space, unless the law was amended to make it so.

The judge finally handed down his decision in favor of the defendant.  It was in six words only, for he said, "A niche in time saves Stein."

Israeli Independence
Two Jews were sitting in a Tel Aviv cafe in the precarious days after Israel first had won its independence, and one said to the other, "I only see one way out."
"What's that?"
"Israel must declare war on the United States."
"What are you talking about?  How could that possibly help us?"
"Well, we'd lose at once and the Americans would send an occupying force.  They would form an alliance with a new pro-American government, guarantee our boundaries, flood us with American capital, establish our industries, and make us prosperous."
"Hmmmm!  I see your point, but it won't work."
"Why not?"
"Because with Jewish luck, we'd win the war and spoil everything."
 
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