harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 30
Hadassah
Jewberish
The Haircut
Jewish Riddles
The Kshrut Story
The Jewish Atheist
Understanding Private Cohen
Q & A
War College
Jewish Music
What a Country
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Why Always with a Question
A Goy Eats Matzoh Ball Soup

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Hadassah
A tour bus with 30 Hadassah ladies aboard turned over and all were speedily dispatched to heaven. On their arrival one of the admitting angels wouldn't let them in. He told them that the admitting computers were down so they would just have to wait.  At that moment G-d intervened and said that he would speak to Satan to see
 if they could be temporarily housed in his domain until they could correct the computer error. Sure enough room was found and they all went down to their new temporary quarters.
A few hours later G-d receives an urgent telephone call from Satan who tells him that he must take the Hadassah women off his hands. 'What's the problem?' G-d asks.
Satan replies, 'These Hadassah women are ruining my set-up. They have been down here only a few hours and already they have raised $100,000 for a new air conditioning system.'
A Goy Eats Matzoh Ball Soup
A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner.  The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup."
On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew.  Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man.  "Just have a taste.  If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally he agrees.  He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly.  The usual 'mmmmmmm' sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup. "That was delicious," he said.  "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"
The Jewish Atheist
 On the Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant atheist.
 But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular. 
 After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you
 know what _Trinity_ means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost." 
 The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one G-d -- and we don't believe in Him!"
Q & A
Q:  What's Jewish Alszheimer's Disease?
A:  It's when you forget everything but the guilt.
Why Always with a Question
A goy asked Reb Moshe:  "Why do Jews always answer with a question?
Reb Moshe:  Why not? 
What a Country
Told in a heavy foreign accent...........
Sam's grandfather is visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time.  He goes up & down the aisles with his grandson, at the local Food Store.
"Vas diss?  Powdered Orange Juice?"
"Yeh, Grandpa.  You just add a little water, and you have fresh 'orange juice'."
......... a few minutes later, in a different aisle ........
<"Und vas dis?  Powdered milk?"
"Yeh, Grandpa.  You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"
........ a few minutes later, in a different aisle ........
"Und give a look here!  Baby Powder!  Vat a country, vat a country!"
Out of the mouths of Babes
A young woman teacher with explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. 
  Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd. 
  The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. 
  "Because I'm not an atheist." 
  "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" 
  "I'm Jewish." 
   The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. 
  She asks Sara why she is Jewish. 
  "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. 
  My Mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish." 
  The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. 
 "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. 
  What would you be then?" 
  A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist.
JEWBERISH
The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Jewberish as the language of many American Jews. Look at other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles and Scarsdale.  

In Jewberish: Questions are always answered with questions:  Question: "How do you feel?" 
Jewberish Response: "How should I feel?" Question: "Why do you always answer a question with a question?" 
Jewberish Response: "What do you want me to say?"  The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used in the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."  The emphatic negative of words is made by adding "sh" to the front of a word:  Mountains become "shmountains", turtle becomes "shmurtle" 
(mountains-shmountains, turtle-shmurtle).  These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Jewberish:  English: "He walks slowly" 
Jewberish: "Like a fly in Vaseline he walks".  English: "Sorry I dont know the time" 
Jewberish: " What, do I look like a clock?"  English: "I hope things turn out okay" 
Jewberish: "You should BE so lucky".  English: " I see you're wearing the tie I gave you." 
Jewberish: "Whats the matter? The other tie you didn't like?"  English: "Anything can happen". 
Jewberish: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse".  English: "May I take your plate, sir?" 
Jewberish: "You hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something wrong with it?  English: "Its been so long since you've called." 
Jewberish: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?" 

English: "Lets go skiing." 
Jewberish: " Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?" 

Jewish Riddles
Q: If a doctor carried a bag and a painter carried a tool box, what does a mohel carry? 
A: A Bris-kit. 
Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old? 
A: A girl. 
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews? 
A: Filet minyan.
War College
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells  the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
 One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
 "Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.
 "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
 "The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.  How can we possibly win?"
  "Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
  "But sir, " asks the panicky officers, "do we have enough Jews?
Jewish Music 
PART ONE 
An old Mitnaged went to a neighboring town on business, was detained over  Shabbat, and attended his first Chasidic Shabbat because his host was a Chasid. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. 
  "Well," said the farmer, "It was interesting. I don't know if it was good, but it was interesting. They did something different, however. Instead of regular, ordinary zmiros, they sang niggunim." 
 "Niggunim?" said his wife, "What are those?" 
 "Oh, they're OK. They're sort of like zmiros, only different," said the farmer. 
  "Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife. 
  The farmer said, "Well, it's like this - if I were to say to you, 'Rivka, the cows are in the corn,' well, that would be a zmiro. 
  If, on the other hand, I were to say to you: 
  'Rivka, Rivka, Rivka, OY! Rivka, Rivka ...the cows, ya-dee-diddle-ay-dah ... the brown one, the black one, the white one, the black and WHITE one! AY-derri-da-ee-dum ... the COWS are in the ay-chiri-biri-biddle-ay-bum-corn, in the CORN - OY! Ribbono shel Oylom  ... the cows ... !' 
  Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a niggun."  

  PART TWO 
  Meanwhile, in another part of the country ... 
  A young Chasid went to Germany on business, and attended his first Reform service. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. 
  "Well," said the young man, "It was interesting. I don't know if it was good, but it was interesting. They did something different, however. Instead of regular niggunim, they sang choral anthems." 
  "Choral anthems?" said his wife, "What are those?" 
  "Oh, they're OK. They're sort of like niggunim, only different," said the young man. "Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife. 
  The young man said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you, 'Rivka, the cows are in the corn', well, that would be a regular niggun. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you: 
'Oh Rivka, my Rivka, do thou hear my cry, 
May thine ear attend now to the words that I say, 
  Turn thou thine attention to me by and by 
  To the praise of the wondrous creation today!    For the way of the animals none can explain 
  There is in their heads not a shadow of sense, 
  They hearken no wise to God's sun or His rain 
  Unless from temptation of corn they are fenced.    Yea, those cows in their bovine, rebellious delight, 
  Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed. 
  Then goaded by minions of darkness and night 
  They all of the gold of my sweet corn have chewed.    So look to the glory-day that is ahead, 
  When the impulses lowly are purged and reborn, 
  When the fences we build will stand un-trample-ed, 
  And we live righteous lives, not as cows in the corn.' 

  And then_... if I were to do only verses one, three, and four ...  well,  that would be a choral anthem."

The Haircut
A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. 
 The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." 
 The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves. 
 The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins. 
 A few days later, a minister goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the cloth. It's on the house." 
  The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies. 
 The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace." 
 And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
Understanding Private Cohen
Private Cohen made life miserable for every commanding officer he ever had during the days of World War II.  A superlatively ingenious goof-off, he could never be called to account.  Yet by his example he would corrupt entire companies.  His commanders could merely pull strings to have him transferred. 

From place to place he was shunted, until he finally ended up in New Guinea.  Then, suddenly, from that primitive island, came a series of headlines: 
PRIVATE COHEN CAPTURES ENEMY DIVISION SINGLE-HANDEDLY:  PRIVATE COHEN SURROUNDS AND DESTROYS TWENTY ENEMY TANKS:  PRIVATE COHEN SHOOTS DOWN HIS FIFTY-NINTH AND SIXTIETH ENEMY PLANES.

A dozen American officers, utterly astounded, separately sent wires of inquiry to Cohen's commanding officer in New Guinea.  Each received a mimeographed reply which went:  "Gentlemen:  This is Colonel Ginsberg writing to you.  As it happens, I understand Private Cohen.  I know what makes him tick.  On his first day here, I took him out on the base, placed my arm around his shoulders, and said, 'Cohen, my boy, see those tanks?  They're yours!  See those planes?  They're yours!  See those supplies, weapons, men?  They're all yours!  Cohen, my boy, from now on, you're in businesss for yourself.'"

The Kashrut Story
A dialogue while Moshe is at the top of Mt. Sinai....
G-d: "And remember Moshe, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel." 

Moshe: "Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together." G-d: "No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk." Moshe: "Oh, L-rd forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk products so the two are not in our stomachs." G-d: "No, Moshe, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!" Moshe: "Oh, L-rd! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside...."

G-d: "Good lord, Moshe, do whatever the hell you want!!!......

 

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