The Kshrut Story
The Jewish Atheist
Understanding Private Cohen
|Q & A
What a Country
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Why Always with a Question
A Goy Eats Matzoh Ball Soup
tour bus with 30 Hadassah ladies aboard turned over and all were speedily
dispatched to heaven. On their arrival one of the admitting angels wouldn't
let them in. He told them that the admitting computers were down so they
would just have to wait. At that moment
G-d intervened and said that he would speak to Satan to see
if they could be temporarily housed in his domain until they could correct the computer error. Sure enough room was found and they all went down to their new temporary quarters.
A few hours later G-d receives an urgent telephone call from Satan who tells him that he must take the Hadassah women off his hands. 'What's the problem?' G-d asks.
Satan replies, 'These Hadassah women are ruining my set-up. They have been down here only a few hours and already they have raised $100,000 for a new air conditioning system.'
|A Goy Eats Matzoh Ball Soup|
Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and
the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup."
On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man. "Just have a taste. If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual 'mmmmmmm' sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup. "That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"
|The Jewish Atheist|
the Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant atheist.
But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.
After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you
know what _Trinity_ means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one G-d -- and we don't believe in Him!"
|Q & A|
Jewish Alszheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt.
|Why Always with a Question|
goy asked Reb Moshe: "Why do Jews always
answer with a question?
Reb Moshe: Why not?
|What a Country|
|Told in a heavy foreign accent...........
Sam's grandfather is visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time. He goes up & down the aisles with his grandson, at the local Food Store.
"Vas diss? Powdered Orange Juice?"
"Yeh, Grandpa. You just add a little water, and you have fresh 'orange juice'."
......... a few minutes later, in a different aisle ........
<"Und vas dis? Powdered milk?"
"Yeh, Grandpa. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"
........ a few minutes later, in a different aisle ........
"Und give a look here! Baby Powder! Vat a country, vat a country!"
|Out of the mouths of Babes|
young woman teacher with explains to her class of children that she is
an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Sara why she is Jewish.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God.
My Mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron.
What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist.
NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish English a second language.
Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize
Jewberish as the language of many American Jews. Look at other cities to
follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles and Scarsdale.
In Jewberish: Questions are always
answered with questions: Question: "How do you feel?"
English: "Lets go skiing."
If a doctor carried a bag and a painter carried a tool box, what does a
A: A Bris-kit.
Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is more than 8 days old?
A: A girl.
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A: Filet minyan.
the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the
class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and
the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir, " asks the panicky officers, "do we have enough Jews?
An old Mitnaged went to a neighboring town on business, was detained over Shabbat, and attended his first Chasidic Shabbat because his host was a Chasid. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
"Well," said the farmer, "It was interesting. I don't know if it was good, but it was interesting. They did something different, however. Instead of regular, ordinary zmiros, they sang niggunim."
"Niggunim?" said his wife, "What are those?"
"Oh, they're OK. They're sort of like zmiros, only different," said the farmer.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The farmer said, "Well, it's like this - if I were to say to you, 'Rivka, the cows are in the corn,' well, that would be a zmiro.
If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:
'Rivka, Rivka, Rivka, OY! Rivka, Rivka ...the cows, ya-dee-diddle-ay-dah ... the brown one, the black one, the white one, the black and WHITE one! AY-derri-da-ee-dum ... the COWS are in the ay-chiri-biri-biddle-ay-bum-corn, in the CORN - OY! Ribbono shel Oylom ... the cows ... !'
Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a niggun."
And then_... if I were to do only verses one, three, and four ... well, that would be a choral anthem."
priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks
how much he owes him.
The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."
The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a minister goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the cloth. It's on the house."
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."
And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
|Understanding Private Cohen|
Cohen made life miserable for every commanding officer he ever had during
the days of World War II. A superlatively
ingenious goof-off, he could never be called to account. Yet by his
example he would corrupt entire companies. His commanders could merely
pull strings to have him transferred.
From place to place he was shunted,
until he finally ended up in New Guinea. Then, suddenly, from that
primitive island, came a series of headlines:
A dozen American officers, utterly astounded, separately sent wires of inquiry to Cohen's commanding officer in New Guinea. Each received a mimeographed reply which went: "Gentlemen: This is Colonel Ginsberg writing to you. As it happens, I understand Private Cohen. I know what makes him tick. On his first day here, I took him out on the base, placed my arm around his shoulders, and said, 'Cohen, my boy, see those tanks? They're yours! See those planes? They're yours! See those supplies, weapons, men? They're all yours! Cohen, my boy, from now on, you're in businesss for yourself.'"
|The Kashrut Story|
|A dialogue while Moshe is at the top of Mt. Sinai....
G-d: "And remember Moshe, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel."
Moshe: "Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together." G-d: "No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk." Moshe: "Oh, L-rd forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk products so the two are not in our stomachs." G-d: "No, Moshe, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!" Moshe: "Oh, L-rd! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside...."
G-d: "Good lord, Moshe, do whatever the hell you want!!!......
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