| Hadassah |
A
tour bus with 30 Hadassah ladies aboard turned over and all were speedily
dispatched to heaven. On their arrival one of the admitting angels wouldn't
let them in. He told them that the admitting computers were down so they
would just have to wait. At that moment
G-d intervened and said that he would speak to Satan to see
if they could be temporarily housed in his
domain until they could correct the computer error. Sure enough room was
found and they all went down to their new temporary quarters.
A few hours later G-d receives an urgent telephone
call from Satan who tells him that he must take the Hadassah women off
his hands. 'What's the problem?' G-d asks.
Satan replies, 'These Hadassah women are ruining
my set-up. They have been down here only a few hours and already they have
raised $100,000 for a new air conditioning system.' |
| A Goy
Eats
Matzoh Ball Soup |
A
Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and
the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup."
On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup,
the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew.
Gently, the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man. "Just have a taste. If
you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in,
first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon,
and tasting it gingerly. The usual 'mmmmmmm' sound can be heard coming
from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup. "That
was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?" |
| The Jewish
Atheist |
On
the Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant atheist.
But he sent his son to Trinity School because,
despite its denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.
After a month, the boy comes home and says
casually, "By the way Dad, do you
know what _Trinity_ means? It means the
Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost."
The father can barely control his rage.
He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell
you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one
G-d -- and we don't believe in Him!" |
| Q & A |
Q: What's
Jewish Alszheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything but the
guilt. |
| Why Always
with
a Question |
A
goy asked Reb Moshe: "Why do Jews always
answer with a question?
Reb Moshe: Why not? |
| What a Country |
Told in a heavy foreign accent...........
Sam's grandfather is visiting America, from Europe,
for the very first time. He goes up & down the aisles with his
grandson, at the local Food Store.
"Vas diss? Powdered Orange Juice?"
"Yeh, Grandpa. You just add a little water,
and you have fresh 'orange juice'."
......... a few minutes later, in a different
aisle ........
<"Und vas dis? Powdered milk?"
"Yeh, Grandpa. You just add a little water,
and you have fresh milk!"
........ a few minutes later, in a different aisle
........
"Und give a look here! Baby Powder! Vat a country,
vat a country!" |
| Out of the
mouths of Babes |
A
young woman teacher with explains to her class of children that she is
an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but
wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like
fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has
not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided
to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm Jewish."
The teacher is a little perturbed
now, her face slightly red.
She asks Sara why she is Jewish.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving
God.
My Mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish,
so I am Jewish."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she
says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a moron, and your
dad was a moron.
What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara,
"I'd be an atheist. |
| JEWBERISH |
| The
NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish English a second language.
Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize
Jewberish as the language of many American Jews. Look at other cities to
follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles and Scarsdale.
In Jewberish: Questions are always
answered with questions: Question: "How do you feel?"
Jewberish Response: "How should I feel?" Question: "Why do you always answer a question
with a question?"
Jewberish Response: "What do you want me to say?" The subject
is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used
in the beginning: "She dances beautifully,
that girl." The emphatic negative of words is made by adding "sh" to
the front of a word: Mountains become "shmountains", turtle becomes
"shmurtle"
(mountains-shmountains, turtle-shmurtle). These common phrases
were translated from "Standard
English" to Jewberish: English: "He walks slowly"
Jewberish: "Like a fly in Vaseline he walks". English: "Sorry I dont know the time"
Jewberish: " What, do I look like a clock?" English: "I hope things turn out okay"
Jewberish: "You should BE so lucky". English: " I see you're wearing the tie I gave
you."
Jewberish: "Whats the matter? The other tie you
didn't like?" English: "Anything can happen".
Jewberish: "Things are never so bad that they
can't get worse". English: "May I take your plate, sir?"
Jewberish: "You hardly touched your food. What's
the matter, something wrong with it? English: "Its been so long since you've called."
Jewberish: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
English: "Lets go skiing."
Jewberish: " Mountains, shmountains! Do I look
like a sled to you?" |
| Jewish Riddles |
Q:
If a doctor carried a bag and a painter carried a tool box, what does a
mohel carry?
A: A Bris-kit.
Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised
Jew who is more than 8 days old?
A: A girl.
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A: Filet minyan. |
| War College |
At
the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the
class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and
the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins
by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers
the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another
officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General,
we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can
we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "think about
it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key.
For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million
Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir, " asks the panicky officers,
"do we have enough Jews? |
| Jewish
Music |
PART
ONE
An old Mitnaged went to a neighboring town on
business, was detained over Shabbat, and attended his first Chasidic
Shabbat because his host was a Chasid. He came home and his wife asked
him how it was.
"Well," said the farmer, "It was interesting.
I don't know if it was good, but it was interesting. They did something
different, however. Instead of regular, ordinary zmiros, they sang niggunim."
"Niggunim?" said his wife, "What are those?"
"Oh, they're OK. They're sort of like zmiros,
only different," said the farmer.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his
wife.
The farmer said, "Well, it's like this
- if I were to say to you, 'Rivka, the cows are in the corn,' well, that
would be a zmiro.
If, on the other hand, I were to say to
you:
'Rivka, Rivka, Rivka, OY! Rivka, Rivka
...the cows, ya-dee-diddle-ay-dah ... the brown one, the black one, the
white one, the black and WHITE one! AY-derri-da-ee-dum ... the COWS are
in the ay-chiri-biri-biddle-ay-bum-corn, in the CORN - OY! Ribbono shel
Oylom ... the cows ... !'
Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing
two or three times, well, that would be a niggun."
PART TWO
Meanwhile, in another part of the country
...
A young Chasid went to Germany on business,
and attended his first Reform service. He came home and his wife asked
him how it was.
"Well," said the young man, "It was interesting.
I don't know if it was good, but it was interesting. They did something
different, however. Instead of regular niggunim, they sang choral anthems."
"Choral anthems?" said his wife, "What
are those?"
"Oh, they're OK. They're sort of like niggunim,
only different," said the young man. "Well, what's the difference?" asked
his wife.
The young man said, "Well, it's like this
- If I were to say to you, 'Rivka, the cows are in the corn', well, that
would be a regular niggun. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:
'Oh Rivka, my Rivka, do thou hear my cry,
May thine ear attend now to the words that I say,
Turn thou thine attention to me by and
by
To the praise of the wondrous creation
today! For the way of the animals none can explain
There is in their heads not a shadow of
sense,
They hearken no wise to God's sun or His
rain
Unless from temptation of corn they are
fenced. Yea, those cows in their bovine, rebellious
delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm
pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and
night
They all of the gold of my sweet corn have
chewed. So look to the glory-day that is ahead,
When the impulses lowly are purged and
reborn,
When the fences we build will stand un-trample-ed,
And we live righteous lives, not as cows
in the corn.'
And then_... if I were to do only verses
one, three, and four ... well, that would be a choral anthem." |
| The Haircut |
A
priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks
how much he owes him.
The barber says, "Father, you're a holy
man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."
The priest says, "Thank you very much" and
leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the
doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a minister goes in for
a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No
money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the cloth. It's on the
house."
The next day, magically appearing on the
doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets
a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned
man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."
And the next day, magically appearing on
the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis. |
| Understanding
Private Cohen |
| Private
Cohen made life miserable for every commanding officer he ever had during
the days of World War II. A superlatively
ingenious goof-off, he could never be called to account. Yet by his
example he would corrupt entire companies. His commanders could merely
pull strings to have him transferred.
From place to place he was shunted,
until he finally ended up in New Guinea. Then, suddenly, from that
primitive island, came a series of headlines:
PRIVATE COHEN CAPTURES ENEMY DIVISION SINGLE-HANDEDLY:
PRIVATE COHEN SURROUNDS AND DESTROYS TWENTY ENEMY TANKS: PRIVATE
COHEN SHOOTS DOWN HIS FIFTY-NINTH AND SIXTIETH ENEMY PLANES.
A
dozen American officers, utterly astounded, separately sent wires of inquiry
to Cohen's commanding officer in New Guinea.
Each received a mimeographed reply which went: "Gentlemen:
This is Colonel Ginsberg writing to you. As it happens, I understand
Private Cohen. I know what makes him tick. On his first day
here, I took him out on the base, placed my arm around his shoulders, and
said, 'Cohen, my boy, see those tanks? They're yours! See those
planes? They're yours! See those supplies, weapons, men?
They're all yours! Cohen, my boy, from now on, you're in businesss
for yourself.'" |
| The Kashrut
Story |
A dialogue while Moshe is at the top of Mt. Sinai....
G-d: "And remember Moshe, in the laws of keeping
Kosher, never cook a calf in
its mother's milk. It is cruel."
Moshe: "Ohhhhhh! So you are saying
we should never eat milk and meat together." G-d: "No, what I'm saying
is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk." Moshe: "Oh, L-rd forgive
my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should
wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk products
so the two are not in our stomachs." G-d: "No, Moshe, what I'm saying
is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!" Moshe: "Oh, L-rd! Please
don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you
mean is we should have a separate set of dishes
for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to
bury that dish outside...."
G-d: "Good lord,
Moshe, do whatever the hell you want!!!...... |
| |
