|Bible Quiz||Tired and Thirsty|
|Your Doctor||Synagogue Newsletter|
|Rabbi's Advice||Gore's Jewish Running Mate|
|The Van Burens||The Quickest Way to New York|
|Archaeological Find||G-d's Total Management Survey|
|Bar Mitzvah Connoisseur||23rd Psalm for a Jewish Princess|
|You Could be a Jewish Redneck||Not Easy to being Jewish in the South|
| Teams of archaeologists
were excavating in Israel when they discovered a cave. Written
across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order
of appearance: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish,and a Menorah.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:"This looks like a woman.
We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent,as the next symbol resembles a
donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals to help them till the soil."
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea to fish for food."
"The last symbol appears to be the Menorah, which means that they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman!"
|23RD PSALM FOR A JEWISH PRINCESS|
| The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not
He leadeth me to Neiman Marcus
He giveth me energy for shopping
He restoreth my checkbook
He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past K-Mart for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk by Target
I shall not go in, for Thou art with me
Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond jewelry for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Rodeo Drive forever.
|The Van Burens|
in the 90s some Jewish merchants are concerned about discrimination
and name their businesses with English sounding names.
On Fifth Avenue, in Manhattan, a lil' Yuppette stopped in a new jewelry store called "Van Burens Jewelers." She asked the clerk if the owners were the Southampton Van Burens.
The clerk replied, "No, the Southampton Van Burens are the Goldbergs.
This store's owned by the Brooklyn Van Burens..... the Shapiros."
|Tired and Thirsty|
| The Italian says, I'm tired and thirsty.
I must have wine.
The Scot says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch
The Swede says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.
The Russian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
The German says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.
The Greek says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.
The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.
|G-d's Total Management Survey|
| G-d would like to personally
thank you for your belief and continued patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to
complete the following questionnaire.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to your comments.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Book of Mormon
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ The Internet
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify):
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
8. G-d also attempts to
maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate
on a scale of 1 to 5 His handling of the following
|Bar Mitzvah Connoisseur|
| Mr. Stulberg was giving his oldest son,
the pride and joy of his life, the bar mitzvah, or confirmation, which
all Jewish boys receive when they attain their thirteenth year. The
bar mitzvahs given by the more affluent Jews, it seems, have assumed
many of the characteristics of parties given by the wilder Roman emperors,
but even on such a scale, the Stulberg bar mitzvah was noteworthy.
The guests were stunned by the magnificence and utter lavishness of everything, from the fountain that yielded champagne to the three large bands that played three different selections simultaneously.
But most magnificent of all was a gigantic bust of the young bar mitzvah boy, true in every detail and molded out of gefilte fish. It was so beautiful the guests hesitated to attack it with knife and fork, as they were obviously intended to do.
Mr. Weinstein was particularly impressed. Turning to Stulberg (who was observing the proceedings with a smug smile that hid an aching wallet), Weinstein said, "You are sparing no expense, I see, Stulberg. It happens that I am a connoisseur of bar mitzvah art, and I can see at a glance that you have commissioned the great Louis Shmelewitz to carve that bust of your boy."
"That the bust is a great work of art, I realize," said Stulberg, "but that you are a great connoisseur of bar mitzvah art, I deny. If you were really a connoisseur you would know that Shmelewitz couldn't possibly have carved that bust. Shmelewitz, as every child should know, works only in chopped liver."
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone else was liquidating.
Q. Who was the greatest female
financier in the Bible?
Q. What is
the best way to get to Paradise?
MIGHT JUST BE A JEWISH REDNECK IF..........
Are the Very Model of A Modern Major Synagogue by Stan Plunka
(Adapted from Gilbert & Sullivan's THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE)
from the Ner Tamid bulletin in Baltimore, MD
"We are the very model of a modern major
teen minyonim fully comprehends the war of Gog & Magogik.
We have the needed Ganzer Machers none of whom is demagogik.
|Quickest Way to NY|
man approached old Mr Katz in a town he was visiting. "What's
the quickest way to New York?"
Mr Katz scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"That's the quickest way!"
|Not Always been easy being Jewish|
and Rebecca were traveling cross-country in the bad old days of the
American Bible Belt, when it was difficult for Jews to get accomodations at decent hotels.
Finally, Jake said, "Listen, with our accents, we could never fake being Gentile. This one we're coming to is a fancy one with a swimming pool and it charges an arm and a leg. I know we won't be welcome, but I intend to try to get a room without saying anything. Maybe I'll get away with it. The main thing is for you not to say anything, because your accent is ten times worse than mine."
Jake managed. He pointed regally at the rate schedule, nodded decisively at the room offered, signed a false name, and all without saying a word.
He was jubilant, but Rebecca had studied the swimming pool on the way in and she wanted a dip. "It is so hot," she said, "and I would enjoy a little swim."
"No," said Jake, "there are women all around and you'll strike up a conversation, and in ten seconds they'll know we're Jewish and go out of their way to embarrass us."
"Jake," said Rebecca, "I promise not to say a word; not one word."
Reluctantly, Jake agreed, whereupon Rebecca whipped into her bathing suit and bathing cap, ran daintily out to the pool, smiled at all the others there (but said not a word), and jumped in.
The water, unfortunately, was considerably colder than Becky had expected, and completely involuntarily, she yelled out, "Oy, gevalt!"
Coming up for air, she smiled sweetly at the thoroughly astonished women who rimmed the pool and added, "Votevver dot minnz."
| Alan has been retired
for several years and his assets are going down the drain as the stock
market nosedives. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't
know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi, tells him about his problems,
and asks what he should do.
The Rabbi says, "Al, put your beach chair and a Chumesh into your car and drive to the ocean. It is not far from your house. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Chumesh out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while, but eventually the Chumesh will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on; those words will tell you what to do."
Al does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Chumesh in his car and drives to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible. When the wind becomes calm, the Bible remains open at a particular page. Al looks at the Chumesh and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he must do.
Three months later, Al returns to see the Rabbi. He is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, he is driving a new Jaguar, and he is accompanied by an entourage of beautiful women. Al hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.
The Rabbi, delighted to see Al, asks what words in the Chumesh brought
this good fortune to him.
Al replies, "Chapter 11."
Mrs. Cohen sidled up to a guest at one of her daughter's social evenings. She had heard him addressed
as doctor and now she said diffidently, "Doctor, may I ask a question?"
"Certainly," he said.
"Lately," said Mrs. Cohen, "I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart--"
The guest interrupted uncomfotably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Cohen, but the truth is, I'm a doctor of philosophy."
"Oh," said Mrs. Cohen, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"
|Gore's Jewish Running Mate|
| With the speculation that Joe Lieberman
may be on Al Gore's list of potential running mates I thought it would
be interesting to consider the possible scenarios if an Orthodox Jew
should ever make it to the White House.
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