harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 32
Bible Quiz Tired and Thirsty
Your Doctor Synagogue Newsletter
Rabbi's Advice Gore's Jewish Running Mate
The Van Burens The Quickest Way to New York
Archaeological Find G-d's Total Management Survey 
Bar Mitzvah Connoisseur 23rd Psalm for a Jewish Princess
You Could be a Jewish Redneck  Not Easy to being Jewish in the South

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before... 
Archaeological Find
   Teams of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they discovered a cave.  Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish,and a Menorah.
  They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least  three thousand years old.  They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.  They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.  The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:"This looks like a woman. 
 We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. 
 You can also tell they were intelligent,as the next symbol resembles a
 donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals to help them till the soil." 
 "The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.  Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea to fish for food." 
 "The last symbol appears to be the Menorah, which means that they were evidently Hebrews." 
  The audience applauded enthusiastically.  Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left.  It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman!" 
23RD PSALM FOR A JEWISH PRINCESS
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He leadeth me to Neiman Marcus
He giveth me energy for shopping
He restoreth my checkbook
He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past K-Mart for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk by Target
I shall not go in, for Thou art with me
Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond jewelry for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Rodeo Drive forever.
  -- Amen
The Van Burens
   Even in the 90s some Jewish merchants are concerned about discrimination and name their businesses with English sounding names.
  On Fifth Avenue, in Manhattan, a lil' Yuppette stopped in a new jewelry store called "Van Burens Jewelers."  She asked the clerk if the owners were the Southampton Van Burens.
  The clerk replied, "No, the Southampton Van Burens are the Goldbergs. 
  This store's owned by the Brooklyn Van Burens..... the Shapiros."
Tired and Thirsty
The Italian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine.
The Scot says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch
The Swede says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.
The Russian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
The German says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.
The Greek says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.
The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes. 
G-d's Total Management Survey
  G-d would like to personally thank you for your belief and continued  patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to complete the following questionnaire. 
 Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to your comments. 
 1. How did you find out about your Deity? 
 ___ Newspaper 
 ___ Bible 
 ___ Torah 
 ___ Book of Mormon
 ___ Koran 
 ___ Divine inspiration 
 ___ Dead Sea Scrolls 
 ___ My mama done tol' me 
 ___ Near-death experience 
 ___ Near-life experience 
 ___ National Public Radio 
 ___ Tabloid 
 ___ The Internet 
 ___ Burning shrubbery 
 ___ Other (specify): 

 2. Which model Deity did you acquire? 
 ___ YHVH 
 ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] 
 ___ Jehovah 
 ___ Krishna 
 ___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] 
 ___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] 
 ___ Allah 
 ___ Satan 
 ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature 
 ___ G-d 1.0a (hairy thunderer) 
 ___ G-d 1.0b (cosmic muffin) 
 ___ G-d.com (Web based) 
 ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false G-d   3. Did your G-d come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working 
 order, and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? 
 ___ Yes 
 ___ No   If NO, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. 
 Please indicate all that apply: 
 ___ Not eternal 
 ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe 
 ___ Not omniscient 
 ___ Not omnipotent 
 ___ Not infinitely plastic (not all things to all of creation) 
 ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms) 
 ___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people 
 ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched 
 ___ Requires burnt offerings 
 ___ Plays dice with the universe   4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? 
 Please check all that apply: 
 ___ Indoctrinated by parents 
 ___ Needed a reason to live 
 ___ Indoctrinated by society 
 ___ Needed focus in whom to despise 
 ___ Imaginary friend grew up 
 ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy 
 ___ Hate to think for myself 
 ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys 
 ___ Fear of death 
 ___ Wanted to irritate parents 
 ___ Needed a day away from work 
 ___ Desperate need for certainty 
 ___ Like synagogue music 
 ___ Need to feel morally superior 
 ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it   5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false G-d were you fooled by? Please check all that apply: 
 ___ Mick Jagger 
 ___ Rajanish 
 ___ Baal 
 ___ The almighty dollar 
 ___ Bill Gates 
 ___ Left-wing liberalism 
 ___ The radical right 
 ___ Ra 
 ___ Beelzebub 
 ___ Barney T.B.P.D. (The Big Purple Dinosaur) 
 ___ The Great Spirit 
 ___ The Great Pumpkin 
 ___ The sun 
 ___ The Internet 
 ___ Elvis 
 ___ Cindy Crawford 
 ___ The moon 
 ___ TV news 
 ___ Burning shrubbery 
 ___ Other:   6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to G-d? 
Please check all that apply: 
 ___ Tarot 
 ___ Lottery 
 ___ Astrology 
 ___ Television
 ___ Fortune cookies 
 ___ Ann Landers 
 ___ Psychic Friends Network 
 ___ Dianetics 
 ___ Palmistry 
 ___ Playboy and/or Playgirl 
 ___ Self-help books 
 ___ Biorhythms 
 ___ Alcohol 
 ___ Bill Clinton 
 ___ Tea leaves 
 ___ EST 
 ___ CompuServe 
 ___ Mantras 
 ___ Jimmy Swaggert 
 ___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) 
 ___ Human sacrifice 
 ___ Pyramids 
 ___ Wandering in a desert 
 ___ Burning shrubbery 
 ___ Barney T.B.P.D. 
 ___ Barney Fife 
 ___ Staring at psychedelic screen savers 
 ___ Other:   7. G-d employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? 
 Circle one: 
 A. More divine intervention 
 B. Less divine intervention 
 C. Current level of divine intervention is just right 
 D. Don't know; what is divine intervention? 
 

 8. G-d also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 His handling of the following 
 (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): 
 Disasters: 
 1 2 3 4 5 Flood 
 1 2 3 4 5 Famine 
 1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake 
 1 2 3 4 5 War 
 1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence 
 1 2 3 4 5 Plague 
 1 2 3 4 5 SPAM (the meat) 
 1 2 3 4 5 SPAM (the mail) 
 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 
 1 2 3 4 5 Macromedia Flash Miracles: 
 1 2 3 4 5 Rescues 
 1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions 
 1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over jerkwater towns 
 1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues 
 1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine 
 1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water 
 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 
 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive 
 1 2 3 4 5 The iMac 
 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the 
 quality of G-d's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

Bar Mitzvah Connoisseur
Mr. Stulberg was giving his oldest son, the pride and joy of his life, the bar mitzvah, or confirmation, which all Jewish boys receive when they attain their thirteenth year. The bar mitzvahs given by the more affluent Jews, it seems, have assumed many of the characteristics of parties given by the wilder Roman emperors, but even on such a scale, the Stulberg bar mitzvah was noteworthy.
   The guests were stunned by the magnificence and utter lavishness of everything, from the fountain that yielded champagne to the three large bands that played three different selections simultaneously.
   But most magnificent of all was a gigantic bust of the young bar mitzvah boy, true in every detail and molded out of gefilte fish. It was so beautiful the guests hesitated to attack it with knife and fork, as they were obviously intended to do.
Mr. Weinstein was particularly impressed. Turning to Stulberg (who was observing the proceedings with a smug smile that hid an aching wallet), Weinstein said, "You are sparing no expense, I see, Stulberg. It happens that I am a connoisseur of bar mitzvah art, and I can see at a glance that you have commissioned the great Louis Shmelewitz to carve that bust of your boy."
  "That the bust is a great work of art, I realize," said Stulberg, "but that you are a great connoisseur of bar mitzvah art, I deny. If you were really a connoisseur you would know that Shmelewitz couldn't possibly have carved that bust. Shmelewitz, as every child should know, works only in chopped liver."
Bible Quiz
  Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
 A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone else was liquidating.

  Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
  A. That would be Pharaoh's daughter, who went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.   Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
  A. Ruth-less.   Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
  A. Samson; he brought down the house.   Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the
  Garden of Eden?
  A. They were really put out.   Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did
  after they were kicked out of their garden?
  A. They raised Cain.   Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why
  he no longer lived in Eden?
  A. He said, "Your mother ate us out of house and home."   Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
  A. David; he rocked Goliath to sleep.   Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
  A. German Shepherds.

  Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
  A. Turn right and go straight. 

Jewish Redneck
   YOU MIGHT JUST BE A JEWISH REDNECK IF.......... 
  • You think that marrying your first cousin is not only permitted, but biblically mandated 
  • Your home is mobile and your sukkah ain't
  • You have a gun rack in your sukkah 
  • Your idea of Shalosh Shudos is a six pack and some chewing tobacco
  • Ad Lo Yoda applies just about every night. 
  • You think KKK is a kosher symbol 
  • You speak more English than your shul president 
  • You light Shabbat candles from your cigarette 
  • The only plant in your home is your lulav 
  • The only area on your lawn that is mowed is the spot where you burn your Chametz 
  • Your idea of bathing is using the mikvah 
  • Your siddur lists the Sabbath greeting as : "Shabbot Shalom Y'all" 
  • Your Shabbat suit was a blue light special at K-mart 
  • Willie Nelson sang at your Bar/Bat Mitzvah 
  • Your local scribe shoots his own parchment 
  • You've ever used the theme to "Rawhide" as a tune for the Kedusha 
  • You've ever fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name 
  • Your belt buckle is bigger than your Yarmulke 
  • You give Ma'aser from your spitoon 
  • A tish just ain't a tish without a bugzapper 
  • You've ever called the "Psychic Friends Network" to answer a halachic  question 
  • When you hear the shofar on Rosh Hashanah, you let your hunting dogs loose
  • You know what Brocha to make when you see a UFO 
  • Your Rabbi ever yelled "Yee-Haw" during his sermon 
  • You think the mechitza is an Italian food 
  • You think a hora is a high priced call girl 
  • You keep a can of spray paint in your Tallis bag 
  • You wear a white hood for Havdallah 
  • You know which brand of grits have an acceptable Kashrut supervision
  • If your Omer counting calendar has ever come up with three cherries in a row 
Synagogue Newsletter
We Are the Very Model of A Modern Major Synagogue  by Stan Plunka
(Adapted from Gilbert & Sullivan's THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE)
from the Ner Tamid bulletin in Baltimore, MD

"We are the very model of a modern major synagogue,
Our services are innovative but lean toward the classical,
Our Baal Kriah seldom makes mistakes except for the grammatical,
We are knowledgeable of Maimonides, but rarely get too philosophical
Our dues are very reasonable and are never astronomical.
In fact in matters of the mind (most seriously - not comical)
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
We have the finest Tallesim this side of the Galapagos,
Our auditorium so large it can hold a convention of hippopatamos.
We do so many mitzvohs without a hint of contankerous,
We can understand each bit of Rashi & how it can relate to us.
We often sing Adon Olam without trying to be lyrical,
We never say Tehillim at a speed that is incredible.
We have a grounding in Gematria and apply its principals mathematical,
And at Kol Nidre, never failing, we always reach our pinnacle.
In short in Matters unequivocal, ethical and metaphysical,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
We can recite the Shulchan Aruch and its chapters catagorial,
We know Judean Kings & their lineage historical,
We plan our renovations without them being so conglomeratus,
And with other shuls consider merging at risking being deleterious.
Our kashrut observance never gets fanatical,
Yet we know the hechshers for eating daily & Sabbatical,
We've kiddushes luxurios and pleasing gastronomical,
With kugels which are potato, lukshen, spinach or vegetable.
No doubt in matters that are animal, vegetable (slash) edible,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
Our brotherhood's yearly man is never egotistical,
Our sisterhood's noted for dinners delicious and delectable,
And our discussions of Moshiach never reach a realm hysterical
Indeed, in matters which are political, socio and economical,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.

Our teen minyonim fully comprehends the war of Gog & Magogik. We have the needed Ganzer Machers none of whom is demagogik.
Undeniably in matters that are mystical, sensible and spiritual, We are the very model of a modern major synagogue."

Quickest Way to NY
A man approached old Mr Katz in a town he was visiting.  "What's the quickest way to New York?"
Mr Katz scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!"
Not Always been easy being Jewish
  Jake and Rebecca were traveling cross-country in the bad old days of the
American Bible Belt, when it was difficult for Jews to get accomodations at decent hotels.
 Finally, Jake said, "Listen, with our accents, we could never fake being Gentile.  This one we're coming to is a fancy one with a swimming pool and it charges an arm and a leg.  I know we won't be welcome, but I intend to try to get a room without saying anything.  Maybe I'll get away with it. The main thing is for you not to say anything, because your accent is ten times worse than mine."
 Jake managed.  He pointed regally at the rate schedule, nodded decisively at the room offered, signed a false name, and all without saying a word.
 He was jubilant, but Rebecca had studied the swimming pool on the way in and she wanted a dip.  "It is so hot," she said, "and I would enjoy a little swim."
 "No," said Jake, "there are women all around and you'll strike up a conversation, and in ten seconds they'll know we're Jewish and go out of their way to embarrass us."
 "Jake," said Rebecca, "I promise not to say a word; not one word."
Reluctantly, Jake agreed, whereupon Rebecca whipped into her bathing suit and bathing cap, ran daintily out to the pool, smiled at all the others there (but said not a word), and jumped in.
 The water, unfortunately, was considerably colder than Becky had expected, and completely involuntarily, she yelled out, "Oy, gevalt!"
 Coming up for air, she smiled sweetly at the thoroughly astonished women who rimmed the pool and added, "Votevver dot minnz."
Rabbi's Advice
    Alan has been retired for several years and his assets are going down the drain as the stock market nosedives. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do.  He goes to the Rabbi, tells him about his problems, and asks what he should do.
    The Rabbi says, "Al, put your beach chair and a Chumesh into your car and drive to the ocean.  It is not far from your house. Go to the water's edge.  Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Chumesh out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while, but eventually the Chumesh will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on; those words will tell you what to do."
    Al does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Chumesh in his car and drives to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible.  When the wind becomes calm, the Bible remains open at a particular page. Al looks at the Chumesh and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he must do.
    Three months later, Al returns to see the Rabbi. He is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, he is driving a new Jaguar, and he is accompanied by an entourage of beautiful women.  Al hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.
    The Rabbi, delighted to see Al, asks what words in the Chumesh brought
this good fortune to him.
    Al replies, "Chapter 11."
Your Doctor
Old Mrs. Cohen sidled up to a guest at one of her daughter's social evenings.  She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said diffidently, "Doctor, may I ask a question?" 
"Certainly," he said.
"Lately," said Mrs. Cohen, "I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart--"
The guest interrupted uncomfotably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Cohen, but the truth is, I'm a doctor of philosophy."
"Oh," said Mrs. Cohen, "I'm sorry!"  She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back.  "Just one more question, doctor.  Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?"
Gore's Jewish Running Mate
With the speculation that Joe Lieberman may be on Al Gore's list of potential running mates I thought it would be interesting to consider the possible scenarios if an Orthodox Jew should ever make it to the White House.
  • State of The Union Address would end with an appeal
  • Air Force One grounded on Shabbos and Yom tovim, and seats reconfiguredto allow space for 'minyanim' (congregations)
  • Young Israel of Pennsylvania Avenue due to open across the street
  • Supreme Court justice's robes to be routinely checked for shatnez
  • Mohel appointed Surgeon General
  • Traditional Easter Egg Hunt on White House lawn replaced by 'bedikas chometz' (inspecting for breadcrumbs)
  • Israeli diplomats visiting White House for State dinners will have to pre-order 'treife' (not-kosher) meals, or risk having to eat glatt kosher with everyone else
  • First Lady's inaugural gown to be ordered with matching snood 
  • National Prayer breakfast to conclude with ecumenical learning of Daf Yomi
  • Secret Service to confer with local Orthodox Rabbis to discuss feasibility of enclosing the White House and Capitol in an eruv
 
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