| Archaeological
Find |
Teams of archaeologists
were excavating in Israel when they discovered a cave. Written
across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order
of appearance: a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish,and a Menorah.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone
and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world
came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months
of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The President of
the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:"This looks like
a woman.
We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high
esteem.
You can also tell they were intelligent,as the next symbol resembles a
donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals to help them till the
soil."
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even
had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is
the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't
grow, they would take to the sea to fish for food."
"The last symbol appears to be the Menorah, which means that they were
evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly a little
old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from
right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman!" |
| 23RD
PSALM FOR A JEWISH PRINCESS |
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not
want
He leadeth me to Neiman Marcus
He giveth me energy for shopping
He restoreth my checkbook
He teacheth me to make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past K-Mart for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk by Target
I shall not go in, for Thou art with me
Thy fashionable clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond jewelry for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk on Rodeo Drive forever.
-- Amen |
| The
Van Burens |
Even
in the 90s some Jewish merchants are concerned about discrimination
and name their businesses with English sounding names.
On Fifth Avenue, in Manhattan, a lil' Yuppette stopped in a new jewelry
store called "Van Burens Jewelers." She asked the clerk if the owners were
the Southampton Van Burens.
The clerk replied, "No, the Southampton Van Burens are the Goldbergs.
This store's owned by the Brooklyn Van Burens..... the Shapiros." |
| Tired
and Thirsty |
The Italian says, I'm tired and thirsty.
I must have wine.
The Scot says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch
The Swede says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.
The Russian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
The German says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.
The Greek says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.
The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes. |
| G-d's
Total Management Survey |
G-d would like to personally
thank you for your belief and continued patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to
complete the following questionnaire.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential,
and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a
direct response to your comments.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ The Internet
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify):
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ YHVH
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ G-d 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ G-d 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ G-d.com (Web based)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false G-d 3.
Did your G-d come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order, and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No If NO, please describe the problems you initially
encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (not all things to all of creation)
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Plays dice with the universe 4. What factors
were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply:
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to irritate parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like synagogue music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5.
Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false G-d were you fooled
by? Please check all that apply:
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D. (The Big Purple Dinosaur)
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ The Internet
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: 6. Are you currently using any other source
of inspiration in addition to G-d?
Please check all that apply:
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Palmistry
___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
___ Self-help books
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Bill Clinton
___ Tea leaves
___ EST
___ CompuServe
___ Mantras
___ Jimmy Swaggert
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering in a desert
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ Barney Fife
___ Staring at psychedelic screen savers
___ Other: 7. G-d employs a limited degree of divine
intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.
Which would you prefer?
Circle one:
A. More divine intervention
B. Less divine intervention
C. Current level of divine intervention is just right
D. Don't know; what is divine intervention?
8. G-d also attempts to
maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate
on a scale of 1 to 5 His handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 Flood
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 War
1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 SPAM (the meat)
1 2 3 4 5 SPAM (the mail)
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Macromedia Flash Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
1 2 3 4 5 The iMac
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of G-d's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.) |
| Bar
Mitzvah Connoisseur |
Mr. Stulberg was giving his oldest son,
the pride and joy of his life, the bar mitzvah, or confirmation, which
all Jewish boys receive when they attain their thirteenth year. The
bar mitzvahs given by the more affluent Jews, it seems, have assumed
many of the characteristics of parties given by the wilder Roman emperors,
but even on such a scale, the Stulberg bar mitzvah was noteworthy.
The guests were stunned by the magnificence and utter
lavishness of everything, from the fountain that yielded champagne
to the three large bands that played three different selections simultaneously.
But most magnificent of all was a gigantic bust of the young
bar mitzvah boy, true in every detail and molded out of gefilte fish. It was
so beautiful the guests hesitated to attack it with knife and fork, as they were
obviously intended to do.
Mr. Weinstein was particularly impressed. Turning to Stulberg (who was
observing the proceedings with a smug smile that hid an aching wallet),
Weinstein said, "You are sparing no expense, I see, Stulberg. It happens
that I am a connoisseur of bar mitzvah art, and I can see at a glance
that you have commissioned the great Louis Shmelewitz to carve that bust
of your boy."
"That the bust is a great work of art, I realize," said Stulberg, "but
that you are a great connoisseur of bar mitzvah art, I deny. If you were really
a connoisseur you would know that Shmelewitz couldn't possibly have carved that
bust. Shmelewitz, as every child should know, works only in chopped liver." |
| Bible
Quiz |
Q.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone else was liquidating.
Q. Who was the greatest female
financier in the Bible?
A. That would be Pharaoh's daughter, who went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of man was
Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less. Q. Who was the greatest
comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson; he brought down the house. Q. How did Adam and Eve
feel when expelled from the
Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out. Q. What is one of the first
things that Adam and Eve did
after they were kicked out of their garden?
A. They raised Cain. Q. What excuse did Adam
give to his children as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A. He said, "Your mother ate us out of house and home." Q.
Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David; he rocked Goliath to sleep. Q. What do they call pastors
in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is
the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
|
| Jewish
Redneck |
YOU
MIGHT JUST BE A JEWISH REDNECK IF..........
- You
think that marrying your first cousin is not only permitted,
but biblically mandated
- Your home is mobile and your sukkah
ain't
- You
have a gun rack in your sukkah
- Your idea of Shalosh Shudos is a
six pack and some chewing tobacco
- Ad
Lo Yoda applies just about every night.
- You
think KKK is a kosher symbol
- You
speak more English than your shul president
- You
light Shabbat candles from your cigarette
- The
only plant in your home is your lulav
- The
only area on your lawn that is mowed is the spot where you burn
your Chametz
- Your
idea of bathing is using the mikvah
- Your
siddur lists the Sabbath greeting as : "Shabbot Shalom Y'all"
- Your
Shabbat suit was a blue light special at K-mart
- Willie
Nelson sang at your Bar/Bat Mitzvah
- Your
local scribe shoots his own parchment
- You've
ever used the theme to "Rawhide" as
a tune for the Kedusha
- You've
ever fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name
- Your
belt buckle is bigger than your Yarmulke
- You
give Ma'aser from your spitoon
- A
tish just ain't a tish without a bugzapper
- You've
ever called the "Psychic
Friends Network" to answer a halachic question
- When you hear the shofar on Rosh
Hashanah, you let your hunting dogs loose
- You
know what Brocha to make when you see a UFO
- Your
Rabbi ever yelled "Yee-Haw" during
his sermon
- You
think the mechitza is an Italian food
- You
think a hora is a high priced call girl
- You
keep a can of spray paint in your Tallis bag
- You
wear a white hood for Havdallah
- You know which brand of grits have
an acceptable Kashrut supervision
- If
your Omer counting calendar has ever come up with three cherries
in a row
|
| Synagogue
Newsletter |
We
Are the Very Model of A Modern Major Synagogue by Stan Plunka
(Adapted from Gilbert & Sullivan's THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE)
from the Ner Tamid bulletin in Baltimore, MD
"We are the very model of a modern major
synagogue,
Our services are innovative but lean toward the classical,
Our Baal Kriah seldom makes mistakes except for the grammatical,
We are knowledgeable of Maimonides, but rarely get too philosophical
Our dues are very reasonable and are never astronomical.
In fact in matters of the mind (most seriously - not
comical)
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
We have the finest Tallesim this side of the Galapagos,
Our auditorium so large it can hold a convention of hippopatamos.
We do so many mitzvohs without a hint of contankerous,
We can understand each bit of Rashi & how it can relate to us.
We often sing Adon Olam without trying to be lyrical,
We never say Tehillim at a speed that is incredible.
We have a grounding in Gematria and apply its principals mathematical,
And at Kol Nidre, never failing, we always reach our pinnacle.
In short in Matters unequivocal, ethical and metaphysical,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
We can recite the Shulchan Aruch and its chapters catagorial,
We know Judean Kings & their lineage historical,
We plan our renovations without them being so conglomeratus,
And with other shuls consider merging at risking being deleterious.
Our kashrut observance never gets fanatical,
Yet we know the hechshers for eating daily & Sabbatical,
We've kiddushes luxurios and pleasing gastronomical,
With kugels which are potato, lukshen, spinach or vegetable.
No doubt in matters that are animal, vegetable (slash)
edible,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
Our brotherhood's yearly man is never egotistical,
Our sisterhood's noted for dinners delicious and delectable,
And our discussions of Moshiach never reach a realm hysterical
Indeed, in matters which are political, socio and economical,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
Our
teen minyonim fully comprehends the war of Gog & Magogik.
We have the needed Ganzer Machers none of whom is demagogik.
Undeniably in matters that are mystical, sensible and spiritual,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue."
|
| Quickest
Way to NY |
A
man approached old Mr Katz in a town he was visiting. "What's
the quickest way to New York?"
Mr Katz scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way!" |
| Not
Always been easy being Jewish |
Jake
and Rebecca were traveling cross-country in the bad old days of the
American Bible Belt, when it was difficult for Jews to get accomodations
at decent hotels.
Finally, Jake said, "Listen, with our accents, we could never fake being
Gentile. This one we're coming to is a fancy one with a swimming pool and
it charges an arm and a leg. I know we won't be welcome, but I intend to
try to get a room without saying anything. Maybe I'll get away with it.
The main thing is for you not to say anything, because your accent is ten times
worse than mine."
Jake managed. He pointed regally at the rate schedule, nodded decisively
at the room offered, signed a false name, and all without saying a word.
He was jubilant, but Rebecca had studied the swimming pool on the way in
and she wanted a dip. "It is so hot," she said, "and I would enjoy a little
swim."
"No," said Jake, "there are women all around and you'll strike up a conversation,
and in ten seconds they'll know we're Jewish and go out of their way to embarrass
us."
"Jake," said Rebecca, "I promise not to say a word; not one word."
Reluctantly, Jake agreed, whereupon Rebecca whipped into her bathing
suit and bathing cap, ran daintily out to the pool, smiled at all the
others there (but said not a word), and jumped in.
The water, unfortunately, was considerably colder than Becky had expected,
and completely involuntarily, she yelled out, "Oy, gevalt!"
Coming up for air, she smiled sweetly at the thoroughly astonished women
who rimmed the pool and added, "Votevver dot minnz." |
| Rabbi's
Advice |
Alan has been retired
for several years and his assets are going down the drain as the stock
market nosedives. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't
know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi, tells him about his problems,
and asks what he should do.
The Rabbi says, "Al, put your beach chair and a Chumesh
into your car and drive to the ocean. It is not far from your house. Go
to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and
take the Chumesh out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while,
but eventually the Chumesh will stay open at a particular page. Read the first
words your eyes fall on; those words will tell you what to do."
Al does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a
Chumesh in his car and drives to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's
edge and opens the Bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible. When
the wind becomes calm, the Bible remains open at a particular page. Al looks
at the Chumesh and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he must do.
Three months later, Al returns to see the Rabbi. He is
wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, he is driving a new Jaguar, and he is accompanied
by an entourage of beautiful women. Al hands the Rabbi a thick envelope
full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue
in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.
The Rabbi, delighted to see Al, asks what words in the
Chumesh brought
this good fortune to him.
Al replies, "Chapter 11." |
| Your
Doctor |
Old
Mrs. Cohen sidled up to a guest at one of her daughter's social evenings. She had heard him addressed
as doctor and now she said diffidently, "Doctor, may I ask a question?"
"Certainly," he said.
"Lately," said Mrs. Cohen, "I have been having a funny pain right here
under the heart--"
The guest interrupted uncomfotably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Mrs.
Cohen, but the truth is, I'm a doctor of philosophy."
"Oh," said Mrs. Cohen, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome
with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell
me, what kind of disease is philosophy?" |
| Gore's
Jewish Running Mate |
With the speculation that Joe Lieberman
may be on Al Gore's list of potential running mates I thought it would
be interesting to consider the possible scenarios if an Orthodox Jew
should ever make it to the White House.
- State of The Union Address would
end with an appeal
- Air Force One grounded on Shabbos
and Yom tovim, and seats reconfiguredto allow space for 'minyanim'
(congregations)
- Young Israel of Pennsylvania Avenue
due to open across the street
- Supreme Court justice's robes to
be routinely checked for shatnez
- Mohel appointed Surgeon General
- Traditional Easter Egg Hunt on White
House lawn replaced by 'bedikas chometz' (inspecting for breadcrumbs)
- Israeli diplomats visiting White
House for State dinners will have to pre-order 'treife' (not-kosher)
meals, or risk having to eat glatt kosher with everyone else
- First
Lady's inaugural gown to be ordered with matching snood
- National Prayer breakfast to conclude
with ecumenical learning of Daf Yomi
- Secret Service to confer with local
Orthodox Rabbis to discuss feasibility of enclosing the White House
and Capitol in an eruv
|
| |
