harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 33
Jewish Survivor
Shane Ferguson
Love at First Math
Kosher Underwear
The Mann Auditorium
Avraham and Dot Com
Morning Coffee and Pravda
Noah's New Ark
Need for Money
The Cantor's Voice
Heavenly Intervention
The Letter of the Bribe
Jewish Origin of High Tech
Things A Jewish Mother Would Never Say

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Noah's new Ark
    It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States.
   The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed."

    "But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
    In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
    "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
    Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
    The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
   "Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"     "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices."     "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."     "I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."     "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."     "Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!"     "The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."     "Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional."     "I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.     The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

    "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
   "No," said the Lord sadly "I don't have to. The Government already has."

Jewish Survivor

  Did you hear about the new program on CBS's Cable Channel-"Jewish Survivor?" 

  Eighteen Jews are put in a two bedroom non-Rent Controlled Apartment (not a 
 sublet) on the Upper West Side of New York. 

 Each week they vote out one of the Tribe until there is a survivor who gets a $1million trust fund. 
 The Rules: 

  • No maid service 
  • No use of ATM's or Credit Card - cash only. 
  • No food from Carry out or delivery. 
  • 3a. All purchases must be retail. 
  • No calls to mother for women or businesses for men.
  • Any trip outside the apartment can only be by foot, bus or subway no limos or cabs 
  • 5a. All workouts/exercise must be done in regular sweats - no designer labels allowed-oops I forgot exercise must be more than channel changing. 
  • Nothing from Zabars allowed 
  • No Jewish Geography 
  • TV allowed but no cable 
  • No New York Times only New York Post 
  • On Jewish Holidays Tribe members can take day off but must actually go to shul. 
  • Any member checking on stock market investments immediately excluded. 
  • Team members must construct their own furniture with only a hammer saw  and nails - no Pottery Barn catalogs allowed. 
  • Team members must dress for all meals - they must of course do their own nails, hair and makeup however an emergency stylist and manicurist is on call for bad hair days and nail emergencies (limited to one visit per Tribesman per week). 
  • There is only one phone line for all eighteen Tribe members and no call can last more than 3 minutes. 
  • All maintenance problems must be resolved by the Tribe without help from any gentile or from the building superintendent if by chance he is a member of the tribe (small t)
Kosher Underwear
Exodus 28:42: 
"And you shall make for Aaron your brother and for his sons linen undergarments to cover their nakedness; they shall reach from the waist to the thighs."

There you have it, straight from Moses.  The only Kosher underwear are:
BOXER SHORTS!

The Cantor's Voice
A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000." There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. 
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So Nu, what did you do with the money?" 
Avraham and Dot Com
An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says...
   "And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Avraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
   And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. 
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.  And she said unto Avraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
   And Avraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
   And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price.  And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
   Avraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her.
   And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."
   And Avraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so."
   And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Avraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. 
   But his success did arouse envy.  A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.  And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. 
   They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
   And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.  And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
   And Dot did say, "Oh, Avraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
   And as Avraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "we need a name of a service that reflects what we are."
   And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
   "Whoopee!" said Avraham.
   "No, YAHOO!" Dot Com said.
Need for Money
   Two feeble old gentlemen in a Tel Aviv nursing home decide that they want to go out on the town for a while but don't have any way to finance their escape. One day Shlomo reads in the paper that a bounty is being offered for captured Arab arms and POWs. 
   Shlomo tells his buddy Moshe about the bounty and they decide to strike out for the Suez Canal to see if they can cash in on the bounty.
The two alters spend the night camped out along the canal. Early the next morning, Shlomo is awakened by a gurgling noise. A big Egyptian submarine has surfaced in the canal and its crew is unlimbering the deck gun. Behind it are dozens of assault 
boats loaded with soldiers. A flight of Syrian MiGs buzzes the campsite and a long column of Arab tanks and motorized infantry approaches from the East, covered by helicopter gun ships.
   Shlomo gasps and his eyes bulge from his head. He dashes back into the tent and violently shakes Moshe: "Wake up, wake up, how can you sleep at a time like this? We're rich! We're rich!"
Morning Coffee and Pravda
  In the tumultuous weeks after the breakup of the Soviet Union... Yankel Rabinovitz goes into a Moscow cafe, orders a cup of tea and asks for a copy of Pravda (the official newspaper of the USSR).
  The waiter says "I can bring you the tea, but Pravda is no longer being published.  The Soviet Union has been dissolved."
  Rabinovitz drinks his tea, pays his check, and goes.
  The following day Rabinovitz returns to the cafe, orders a cup of tea and a copy of Pravda.
  The waiter says "Sir, as I told you yesterday, the Soviet Union has been issolved.  Pravda is no longer being published!"
  Rabinovitz nods, drinks his tea, pays and departs.
  The following day - same thing.  Rabinovitz returns to the cafe, orders a cup of tea and a copy of Pravda.
  The waiter says "Sir, you seem like an intelligent man.  I've told you for the past two days, the Soviet Union has been dissolved.  Pravda is no longer being published!  What do I have to do to get you to understand?"
  Rabinovitz says "Oh, I understand perfectly well.  It's just that I love to hear you say it..."
The Letter of the Bribe
Chaim "Brickboots" Rabinovich, The notorious, unscrupulous Jewish Godfather, was arrested on a charge of murder, so he used his right to a telephone call to seek help from his lawyer, Moshe "the Cantor" Finkelstein.
Finkelstein said that because of the serious nature of the charge, they would have to brief counsellor Schwartz to conduct Chaim's defense.
On the day of the trial, a jury was selected, and Schwartz, the counsellor, said, "Finkelstein, is there a Jew on the jury?"
"No." replied Finkelstein.
"Then we gotta object" said Feinstein, and the jury was duly thrown out.
This process was repeated another three times, and when Schwartz asked, 
"Finkelstein, is there a Jew on the jury?"  Finkelstein replied, "Yes, Schwartz.  Abe Guttman is there."
That night they went to see Abe Guttman, to whom Finkelstein said, "Abe, you know it is a very serious charge against Chaim.  He could go to prison for life or even be sentenced to death.  Now Schwartz and I have a proposal to make to you.  If you can get us a verdict of manslaughter, we will pay you $5000."
At the conclusion of the trial, the jury deliberated for hours, and when they eventually returned, the judge asked whether they had reached a verdict.  The foreman replied, "Yes, your Honour: not guilty of murder, but guilty of manslaughter."
An appeal was immediately lodged and Chaim was out on bail.  That night they had a huge celebration at Finkelstein's house.  Suddenly there was a knock on the door, and when Finkelstein opened, there was Abe.
"Come in Abe, and join the party.  We are celebrating."
"No, Finkelstein, wait a minute.  First I want another $5000," replied Abe.
"Another $5000?  What you want another $5000 for?  We paid you $5000, and we got the verdict.  What more do you want?" protested Finkelstein.
"Finkelstein, not once did I have to fight for that verdict.  Not twice did I have to fight for that verdict.  Three times I had to fight for that verdict!"
"Why, how did that happen?"
"All these Christians on the jury, they kept shouting, 'Acquittal! Acquittal! Acquittal!'"
Shane Ferguson
Los Angeles had a desert version of the Catskills called Murietta Hot Springs with mud baths and water that smelled like rotten eggs.  When you would have a phone call it was a very big deal because it was long distance and the clerk would call you on the loud speaker.  "Telephone call for Abe Gitlin," etc.

One day everyone was surprised by an announcement, "Telephone call for Shane Ferguson.  Telephone call for Shane Ferguson." Several people went to the front desk to get a look at Shane Ferguson and were even more curious when an old Jewish gentleman responded to the paging. After his call, one of the budinskies asked the man how he came to be named Shane Ferguson.  Shane replied that his name in the old country was Mottle Rosenschwieg.

"My uncle, who was in America 10 years before me, told me to tell immigration that my name was Morris Rose.  I practiced saying my new name for the entire trip on the boat.  I asked the American sailors to say it for me and learned to pronounce it.  I was standing in line at the immigration for two hours, worrying about everything, when the officer finally asked me my name, I said, "Schane fergessen", which is Yiddish for 'I forgot already'.  So that's what the immigration man wrote."

Heavenly Intervention
Mrs. Friedman, the third grade Hebrew teacher, needed some supplies from a supply cabinet that was seldom used and was secured with a lock.  She didn't know the combination, and called Rabbi Weinstein to give it a try.

Rabbi Weinstein placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment.  Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock.

Seeing how impressed Mrs. Friedman was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."

Jewish Origin of High Tech
Q. What English language edition of Chumash is ideal for the Computer Age:
A. Hertz Edition

Q What is the large print copy called?
A. Mega Hertz Edition Q What is the large print edition of the Stone Chumash called?
A. Mega-lith Edition Chumash Q How are they now distributed?
A. As freeware: the five disks of Moses. Q. What is the most recently compiled edition of the Jewish Knowledge that help reconcile revelation at Sinia with the computer age?
A. "Torah for Dummies" available on CD-Rambam. Q. Why do we blow the shofar on the day of rememberance?
A. To recall the original ram memory. Q Why are we sure the computer was a Jewish invention?
A. Every keyboard has a scroll key.

Q. Why are we sure the Internet was a Jewish Invention?
A. Because Jews are known of their large nodes and we have been talking about the promised LAN for over 3000 years... 

Love at First Math by Martin M. Bodek 

There are 3,292,393,161,375,414,113 beings in this universe.

3,292,393,155,307,785,103 of those include G-d, angels, seraphim, aliens, creatures, cartoon characters, and imaginary friends.  That leaves 6,067,692,010 available human earthlings you can date!

Jews currently represent 1/5 of 1% of the world's population.  That leaves about 13,000,000 people you can pick from.

Of the 13,000,000 Jews available, 50% are not quite the gender you're looking for, that leaves 6,500,000.

Plenty of Jews are currently dating, plenty of Jews are already married, plenty others aren't dating yet.  So we can eliminate 2/3rds of what's available.  That leaves about 2,166,666 people.

There are several categories of Judaic practice, in no particular order whatsoever, they are:  Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, Yeshivish, Litvish, Chasidish, Black Hatters, Kipa Srugarians, and Young Israelites.  Since no one should be dating outside of their category - lest they suffer from community  gossip - we can eliminate 8/9ths of what's left.  That leaves 240,740 people.

4/5ths of what's left don't have the funds, transportation, or desire to date anyone not from their continent.  48,148 left over.

3/4ths of what's left are nowhere near your age.  That leaves 12,037 people.

2/3rds of those are too lazy to date anyone located more than 50 miles away.  That leaves 4,012 people.

Of those, half are waiting for love to find them, they can wait.

That leaves 2,006 people.  6 Jews are too cheap to pay the tolls.  Of the 2,000 people left over, you will never hear of nor will anyone ever mention 3/4ths of them to you.  500 people are left over.

Let's assume that 500 is the maximum amount you'll ever get "ret" to you in your entire lifetime.  Of these 500, 50 will be too tall for you to ever go out with; 50 will be too short for you to ever go out with; 50 you won't go out with because some friend of theirs told them not to go out with you; 50 you won't go out with because some friend of YOURS told you not to go out with them; 40 are too reform/ Conservative/ Orthodox/Yeshivish/ Litvish/ Chasidish/ Black Hatty/ Kipa Srugy/ Young Israeli; 40 aren't Reform/ Conservative/ Orthodox/ Yeshivish/ Litvish/ Chasidish/Black Hatty/ Kipa Srugy/ Young Israeli ENOUGH, and 20 simply give your mother a "bad vibe."  That leaves 200.

Now let's assume that 200 people is the maximum that a person will ever date.  Of these 200, 4/10ths will reject you, and you'll never know why, 1/10th will dump you with a pretty good reason.  That leaves 100.

Let's assume that with what's left over, YOU get to decide what to do.  10 are too dumb, 10 are too smart, 10 have an attitude, 10 you have hashkafa problems with, 10 you're not attracted to, 10 you have nothing in common with, 10 are too self-centered, 10 are selfish, 10 did weird stuff on your date that you didn't approve of.  That leaves 10.

Of the remaining 10, 5 you share no chemistry with, 1 is a fruitcake, 1 is nutty, 1 scares you for no particular reason, 1 should be locked up, and 1 belongs in Bellevue.  That leaves your bashert.

The Mann Auditorium
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
 "No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
 "A check".
Things A Jewish Mother Would Never Say:
  "Just live with him.. you don't have to marry him.. I don't need any grandchildren" 
 "Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!" 
 "How on earth can you see the TV, sitting so far back?" 
 "Don't bother wearing a jacket -- it's quite warm out." 
 "Let me smell that shirt -- yeah, it's good for another week." 
 "I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity." 
 "Yeah, I used to skip school, too." 
 "Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery." 
 "Could you turn the music up louder, so I can enjoy it, too?" 
 "Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!" 
 "Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know." 
 "I don't have a tissue with me -- just use your sleeve." 
 "Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me." 
 "Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the big deal about having to cross a few main streets?" 
 "My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids don't mind skipping dinner, do you?" 
 "I saw your subscription to Playboy was expiring so I sent in a check to renew." 
 "If she wants you both to move back east to live near her family it's fine with me." 
 "Mother's day, Shmother's Day you just go to the beach and enjoy yourselves." 
 "You don't have to call me every week I know how busy you are." 
 "Your father is a saint you should only be just like him." 
 "You are so lucky to have your in-laws" 
 "Your wife knows best - forget about the advice I gave you"
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