harry leichter's jewish humor

Q & A
The Match
The Old Chaser
The Visit
Yankees Game
Commandments
What a Country
Driving Permit
Hershel Markowitz The Worrier of Chelm
The Kaplan Diamond Berel, Cherel, and Shmerel
Arab Israeli Dog Fight Esperanto's Great Scholars
Strange Sight in the South Jewish Mothers and Psychiatrists
If their mothers were Jewish 10 Ways the White House will be changed

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before... 
Esperanto's Great Scholars
Before the war, there was a great international Esperanto convention in Geneva.  Esperanto scholars came from all over the world to give papers about and to praise the idea of an international language.  Every country on earth was represented at the convention, and all the papers were given in Esperanto.
After the long meeting was finally concluded, the great scholars wandered amiably along the corridors, and at last they felt free to talk casually among themselves in their international language:  "Nu, vos macht a yid?"
Yankees Game
  Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan. 
 I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV". 
 The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCR's are for." 
 Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"? 
Commandments
This is a little known tale of how G-D came to give us the Ten Commandments. 
G-D first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. 
"What's a commandment," they asked. 
"Well, it's like "THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY" replied G-D. 
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends." 
So then G-D went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. 
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said G-D, "it's like, 'THOU SHALT NOT STEAL' " . 
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy." 
So finally G-D went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. 
They asked, "How much?" 
G-D said, "They're free." 
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN." 
Berel, Cherel, and Shmerel
Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel, and Shmerel were talking about moving to the US. Berel says, "When I move to America, I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck." 
 Cherel says, "When I move to America, I'll also have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck." 
 So Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving". 
If their mothers were Jewish.....
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something . . .?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
Top 10 Ways the White House will be changed With Lieberman as VP 
  • Air Force One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.".
  • Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."
  • Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese.
  • Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.
  • Problem: Presidential Baldness  Solution: Presidential Yarmulke!
  • Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift Gore in Chair and Dance Around.
  • U.S. Never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads.
  • Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have to actually start working Monday - Friday.
  • Camp David relocated to Palm Beach.
  • In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed Carnegie Delhi
Q & A 
 Q. How does a yeshiva bocher change from his weekday to his Shabbat clothes? 
 A. He takes his pen out of his shirt pocket. 
Driving Permit
  A teenager had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." 
 After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" 
 The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking  about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had 
 long hair, and even Moses had long hair...." 
 To which the Rabbi replied.... "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!" 
The Match
  A shadken goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." 
 The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter." 
 "Well, in that case..." 
 Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your  daughter." 
 "But my daughter is too young to marry." 
 "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." 
 "Ah, in that case..." 
 Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." 
 "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." 
 "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." 
 "Ah, in that case...." 
THE KAPLAN DIAMOND
An old Jewish lady was sitting in the window seat in the first class cabin on a plane from New York to Miami.  The man who was assigned the aisle seat next to her noticed her diamond solitaire ring -- the diamond was the biggest he'd ever seen, more like a rock than a gem, and he knew enough about diamonds to know this one was real and looked flawless.  He couldn't keep his eyes off of it.
After the flight was well underway, she noticed his gaze and helped him out, "I see you're looking at my diamond."
"Yes," he admitted, "I couldn't help myself.  It is the most stunning diamond I've ever seen."
"Young man, this is the Kaplan Diamond."
He responded, "The Kaplan Diamond?  You mean it has a name?"
"Oh yes.  And the Kaplan Diamond comes with a curse."
The man was impressed.  "My goodness, that's very interesting.  A diamond
with a name which has a curse attached to it!  Please, if you don't mind
telling me, what is the curse?"
The old lady smiled and said, "Mr. Kaplan."
THE VISIT
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill.  After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."

"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."

JEWISH MOTHERS AND PSYCHIATRISTS
"I had the strangest dream last night," a young Jewish man was telling his
psychiatrist.  "I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face.  And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing.  In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep.  I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come.

Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. 
I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:  "A Coke?
 That's a breakfast?"

STRANGE SIGHT IN THE SOUTH
During World War II, Private Goldstein was anxious to get married before going overseas, but he was stationed in a small town in South Carolina and couldn't get a furlough.  His fiancee, Sadie, was perfectly willing to come to South Carolina, and did so; but once there, a difficult problem arose.  Sadie was a pious girl and insisted on being married by an Orthodox Jewish rabbi.  In the small town where Goldstein was stationed, however, there were no Jews, let alone Orthodox rabbis.
 

Nothing would do, then, but that they must send for Rabbi Cohen from the Bronx.  The good old man agreed to help them in their dilemma; he took a plane to Charleston, and a bus from there to the small town. When he got off the bus, several youngsters in the vicinity were struck speechless at the sight of an aged man with a long, gray beard, curling earlocks, ankle-length black coat, and conservative black fedora.  They had never in their lives seen such an apparition, and they followed after him, running forward once in a while to stare curiously at his face.  More and more children joined the procession until poor Rabbi Cohen found himself leading a full parade.

Losing his temper at last, he whirled at them, shook his fist, and cried out, "What's the matter with you kids!  You maybe never saw a Yankee before?"

WHAT A COUNTRY
Fresh from Europe, a Jew sees another Jew reading the Yiddish paper on a park bench, on the Sabbath, smoking a cigar.
"America is wonderful," he says.  "Here even the goyim can read Yiddish!"
Hershel Markowitz
One day Hershel was traveling, and he stopped for the night at an inn.  The place was deserted:  there were no other guests, and even the innkeeper was away, leaving his wife in charge.

"I'm dying of hunger," Hershel told her.  "Please give me something to eat." The innkeeper's wife took a good look at her guest, and she didn't like what she saw. Hershel was unkempt, his coat was torn, and he looked altogether unsavory. This fellow will never be able to pay the bill, she thought.  "I'm sorry, sir," she said to Hershel, "but we're all out of food tonight." Hershel shook his head and said nothing.  Then he looked straight ahead and said to the woman, "In that case, I'm going to have to do what my father did." Immediately the woman grew frightened.  "What did your father do?" she asked. "My father," Hershel replied, "did what he had to do." Hearing this, the woman grew even more frightened.  Who knew what kind of father this mad had?  And she alone in the house!  Perhaps his father was a thief, murderer, or worse. "Just a minute, sir," she said, and soon returned with a full plate of chicken, kishke, fish, and black bread. Hershel devoured it all, as the woman looked on in amazement.  When he finished, he told her, "Lady, that was a wonderful meal, the best I've tasted since last Passover." Seeing that her guest was finally relaxed and satisfied, the innkeeper's wife dared to ask the question that had been burning in her all evening.  "Good sir," she said, "please tell me, what was it that your father did?"

"My father?" said Hershele.  "Oh yes, my father.  You see, whenever my father couldn't get anything to eat -- he went to bed hungry."

The Worrier of Chelm
The citizens of Chelm used to spend a good deal of time worrying - so much time, in fact, that they soon began to worry about how much they worried.

The Grand Council of Wise Men convened a meeting to discuss all this worrying, and to find a solution for it. For seven days and seven nights the wise men of Chelm discussed the problem, until finally the chairman announced a solution:  Yossel, the chimney sweep, would be the official Chelm Worrier.  In return for one ruble a week, he would do the worrying for everybody in Chelm. The Grand Council members all agreed that this was the ideal solution, but just before the vote was taken, one of the sages rose to speak against the proposal.

"Wait a minute," he announced.  "If Yossel were to be paid one ruble a week, then what would he have to worry about?"

Arab Israeli Dog Fight
At the height of the Intifada, the Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world.

So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could.  The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world.  The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.  They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.  They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk.  They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage.  Only the trainers could handle this beast.  When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal:  It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund.  Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis.  No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp.  The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute. The cages were opened.  The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring.  The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite.  There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail. The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand.  Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers.  They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied.  "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"

The Old Chaser
  When Morganstein Blumenthal had reached the age of seventy-five, he suddenly began chasing the young chicks.  A neighbor brought this behavior to the attention of his wife.
"Whatta you gonna do about it?" she asked.
"Who cares?" said Mrs. Blumenthal.  "Let him chase girls!  Dogs chase cars -- but when they catch them, they can't drive!"
 
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