|A Nail Biter||ER Yarmulke|
|Tractate Chad||The New Rabbi|
|A Yiddish Court||Jewish Computer|
|Three Wise Women||New Chinese Dish|
|$60,000 for the year||How Traditions Get Started|
|Definitions of Jewish Foods||Dichotomy of Jewish Mothers|
Yossi says: "One
who votes must poke his chad completely through. He who detaches
only three corners has not fulfilled his obligation."
R. Yitzchak says, "If it swings like a door he has fulfilled his obligation."
R. Yochanan says, "if it appears as the belly of a woman in her 9th month."
It once happened in the West of Palm Beach that the rabbis gathered to choose the Nasi, and Rav Huna a counted a pregnant chad. Rava said to him "Praised is she who bore this chad." R. Nachman says, "He who punches a chad but does not perforate it is as one who sows but does not reap." Abbaya says: "He who causes a chad to become pregnant is liable to 40 lashes."
R. Yosef says, "one who is aged and whose hands tremble must take care to not cause the chad to become pregnant, as it is written, 'tremble and sin not."
If one peers through the chad's hole and can see the light of the sun, the vote is valid. R. Eliezer says "if he can see the stars".
R. Yochanan says "if he can recognize his friend through the hole at a distance of 4 cubits". Abaya says "If a man intended to vote for Gore, but voted for Buchanan, or intended to vote for Buchanan but voted for Gore, he has done nothing."
Rava says, "he has fulfilled his obligation." If he said, "Behold this vote is for Gore", "Behold this vote is for the Vice President," "Behold this vote is for Lieberman" it is counted, but Rav Pappa invalidates it. However everyone agrees that if he merely intended Gore in his heart, it is invalid.
Mar Zutra says "it all goes according to his intention. But if he voted for both Gore and Buchanan, unfortunate is his portion." If the ballot appears as a butterfly and confounds his understanding, he should intend his heart toward heaven.
Rav Huna says, "he who votes for Buchanan it is as if he worshipped idols, and even Yom Kippur does not atone for it."
Two slates of electors arrive in Congress. This slate says, "We are the true electors!", and this slate says, "We are the true electors!" The slate that arrives first takes precedence.
R. Yehoshua says, "the slate that was sent first."
Rav says "the slate certified by the secretary of state." Shmuel says "the slate that was appointed by the legislature."
R. Chanina says, "At first they would settle the dispute by racing up the capitol steps, but it once happened that an elector pushed his fellow off the steps and he died, thus was the practice discontinued."
|A Yiddish Court|
| In the heat
of litigation, tempers often flare and lawyers sometimes have difficulty
expressing their frustrations. When English fails, Yiddish may come
to the rescue. So it happened that defense attorneys arguing in a
recent summary judgment motion in federal court in Boston wrote,
in a responsive pleading, "It is unfortunate that this Court must
wade through the dreck of plaintiff's original and supplemental statement
of undisputed facts."
attorneys, not to be outdone, responded with a motion that could
double as a primer on practical Yiddish for lawyers: UNITED STATES
DISTRICT COURT DISTRICT OF MASSACHUSETTS MONICA SANTIAGO, Plaintiff, v.
SHERWIN-WILLIAMS COMPANY, et al., Defendants.
WHEREFORE, plaintiff prays that the Court put an end to the mishegos and strike "dreck."
|New Chinese Dish|
| There is an old
Chinees custom that whenever we get a new President, They have to
create a name and a new dish for him. With pleasure they announce
the new creation in honor of our future President Bush.
S U M D U M G O Y.
|THREE WISE WOMEN|
would have happened if, instead of three wise men, it had been three
wise women? Specifically,
if it had been three wise (local) Jewish women?
They would have asked directions (but taken their own anyway), arrived on time (despite massive and annoying detours), helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a brisket, and brought practical gifts.
But what would they have said when they left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmattes-for-a-gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin? I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your brisket dish back?"
in Israel I found a great buy on a computer. It is a kosher computer,
called a DELLSHALOM. It was selling at such a good price that...well...
Mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as: The cursor moves from right to left.
It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt."
The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels."
The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
When running "scan disk," it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?"message.
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."
Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.
The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears "You should be ashamed of yourself."
When Spell check finds and error it prompts "Is this the best you can do?"
| I am a doctor and
an orthodox Jew. I am accustomed to wearing a yarmulke.
One night, I was called to the ER for a woman with pelvic pain. After performing a full pelvic examination, I informed her that surgery was necessary and left to make the arrangements.
The nurse entered and asked, "Did the doctor explain everything to your satisfaction?"
The woman replied "I haven't seen the doctor yet."
The nurse said, "But I thought I spoke to him about you."
The woman answered, "No, the only person who's been in here is a Rabbi".
| It was Chanukah
at the height of the Soviet era and the tiny village of Chelm was
in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour.
Rudi, the Rabbi was called upon to help solve the problem. He said, "Don't worry. You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!"
Rachel looks to her husband and says, "Morty... you think it'll work?"
"Of course! As everybody knows... Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!"
|The Dichotomy of Jewish Mothers|
the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said, "You'd better
lose some weight or you'll be dead."
On the second night
of Chanukah, my mother said to me, "Have a few more latkes, but you'd
better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On
the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me, "Here's your
chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose
some weight or you'll be dead." On the fourth night
of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
On the eighth night
of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
|$60,000 for the year|
Siegel, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned
by an IRS agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $60,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $60,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these business travel deductions of $125,000. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife."
"Oh, that?" the owner said smiling. "Well....we also deliver."
a day fishing in the Sea of Galilee Moshe the fisherman is walking
from the pier carrying two rare fish in a bucket. He is approached
by Yaki Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
Moshe says to the warden, "I
did not catch these fish, they are my pets.
Moshe turns to the warden and says, "What fish?"
|A Nail Biter|
| Two elderly ladies,
Ruth and Naomi, were discussing their husbands over tea...
Ruth said, "I do wish that my Ernie would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous..."
Naomi replied, "My Shlomi used to do the same thing, but I broke him of the habit."
"How?" asked Ruth, rather curious, "I've been trying everything and I've even consulted my son-in-law, the family doctor, but to no avail. What did you do?"
The wisened Naomi replied, "I hid his teeth!"
|The New Rabbi|
Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi. The Executive Committee
met and none-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let him go. Trouble was
- who'd want to take him - especially if it got out that he'd
been fired? So the Executive Committee decided to give him
a glowing letter of recommendation. It compared the Rabbi to
Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself. The recommendation
was so warm that within six weeks the Rabbi succeeded in securing
himself a pulpit in a major upwardly-mobile Synagogue
500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with three junior
Rabbis working under him.
Needless to say,
in a couple of months the Rabbi's new employers began to observe
some of his imperfections. The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit angrily
called the President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed this
man mostly on the basis of your recommendation. How could you possibly
compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself, when he can't
string together a correct sentence in English, when his knowledge of Hebrew
is worse than mine and that on top of everything else, he's a liar,
a cheat and an all-round low-life ?"
|Definitions of Jewish Foods|
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything produced in the House of Pancakes. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs, and matzo meal and cooked in hot oil. Latkes may be eaten with apple sauce or sour cream but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days, hence the miracle of Chanukah. What is certain is that you will have a heartburn for the same amount of time.
|How Traditions Get Started|
young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat
dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off
the ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan.
The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure. This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Bubie and ask her." So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting. The Bubie thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket. Now the three women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-bubie in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"
"I don't know why YOU do it" said the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!"
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