harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 39
Rudolph Pet Fish
A Nail Biter ER Yarmulke
 Tractate Chad The New Rabbi
A Yiddish Court  Jewish Computer
Three Wise Women New Chinese Dish
$60,000 for the year How Traditions Get Started
Definitions of Jewish Foods Dichotomy of Jewish Mothers

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
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Tractate Chad
R. Yossi says: "One who votes must poke his chad completely through. He who detaches only three corners has not fulfilled his obligation." 
R. Yitzchak says, "If it swings like a door he has fulfilled his obligation." 
R. Yochanan says, "if it appears as the belly of a woman in her 9th month."
It once happened in the West of Palm Beach that the rabbis gathered to choose the Nasi, and Rav Huna a counted a pregnant chad. Rava said to him "Praised is she who bore this chad." R. Nachman says, "He who punches a chad but does not perforate it is as one who sows but does not reap." Abbaya says: "He who causes a chad to become pregnant is liable to 40 lashes."
R. Yosef says, "one who is aged and whose hands tremble must take care to not cause the chad to become pregnant, as it is written, 'tremble and sin not."
If one peers through the chad's hole and can see the light of the sun, the vote is valid. R. Eliezer says "if he can see the stars". 
R. Yochanan says "if he can recognize his friend through the hole at a distance of 4 cubits". Abaya says "If a man intended to vote for Gore, but voted for Buchanan, or intended to vote for Buchanan but voted for Gore, he has done nothing." 
Rava says, "he has fulfilled his obligation." If he said, "Behold this vote is for Gore", "Behold this vote is for the Vice President," "Behold this vote is for Lieberman" it is counted, but Rav Pappa invalidates it. However everyone agrees that if he merely intended Gore in his heart, it is invalid.
Mar Zutra says "it all goes according to his intention. But if he voted for both Gore and Buchanan, unfortunate is his portion." If the ballot appears as a butterfly and confounds his understanding, he should intend his heart toward heaven. 
Rav Huna says, "he who votes for Buchanan it is as if he worshipped idols, and even Yom Kippur does not atone for it." 
Two slates of electors arrive in Congress. This slate says, "We are the true electors!", and this slate says, "We are the true electors!" The slate that arrives first takes precedence. 
R. Yehoshua says, "the slate that was sent first."
Rav says "the slate certified by the secretary of state." Shmuel says "the slate that was appointed by the legislature." 
R. Chanina says, "At first they would settle the dispute by racing up the capitol steps, but it once happened that an elector pushed his fellow off the steps and he died, thus was the practice discontinued."
A Yiddish Court 
  In the heat of litigation, tempers often flare and lawyers sometimes have difficulty expressing their frustrations. When English fails, Yiddish may come to the rescue. So it happened that defense attorneys arguing in a recent summary judgment motion in federal court in Boston wrote, in a responsive pleading, "It is unfortunate that this Court must wade through the dreck of plaintiff's original and supplemental statement of undisputed facts." 

 The plaintiff's attorneys, not to be outdone, responded with a motion that could double as a primer on practical Yiddish for lawyers:   UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT DISTRICT OF MASSACHUSETTS MONICA SANTIAGO, Plaintiff,  v. SHERWIN-WILLIAMS COMPANY, et al., Defendants. 
  * * * * *   Civ. No. 87-2799-T 
  PLAINTIFF'S MOTION TO STRIKE IMPERTINENT AND SCANDALOUS MATTER   Plaintiff, by her attorneys, hereby moves this Court pursuant to Rule 12(f) of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure to strike as impertinent and scandalous the characterization of her factual submission as "dreck" on page 11 of Defendant's Rule 56.1 Supplemental Statement of Disputed Facts (a copy of which is attached hereto as Exhibit A). As grounds therefore, plaintiff states:   1. For almost four years now, plaintiff and her attorneys have been subjected to the constant kvetching by defendants' counsel, who have made a big tsimmes about the quantity and quality of plaintiff's responses to discovery requests. This has been the source of much tsoris among plaintiff's counsel and a big megillah for the Court.   2. Now that plaintiff's counsel has, after much time and effort, provided defendants with a specific and comprehensive statement of plaintiff's claims and the factual basis thereof, defendants' counsel have the chutzpah to call it "dreck" and to urge the Court to ignore it.   3. Plaintiff moves that this language be stricken for several reasons. First, we think it is impertinent to refer to the work of a fellow member of the bar of this Court with the Yiddish term "dreck" as it would be to use "the sibilant four-letter English word for excrement." Rosten, The Joys of  Yiddish (Simon & Schuster, New York, NY 1968) p.103. Second, defendants are in no position to deprecate plaintiff's counsel in view of the chozzerai which they have filed over the course of this litigation. Finally, since not all of plaintiff's lawyers are yeshiva bochurs, defendants should not have assumed that they would all be conversant in Yiddish. 

 WHEREFORE, plaintiff prays that the Court put an end to the mishegos and strike "dreck." 

New Chinese Dish
There is an old Chinees custom that whenever we get a new President, They have to create a name and a new dish for him. With pleasure they announce the new creation in honor of our future President Bush.
S U M   D U M   G O Y.
THREE WISE WOMEN
What would have happened if, instead of three wise men, it had been three wise women?  Specifically, if it had been three wise (local) Jewish women?
They would have asked directions (but taken their own anyway), arrived on time (despite massive and annoying detours), helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a brisket, and brought practical gifts.
But what would they have said when they left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmattes-for-a-gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin?  I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your brisket dish back?"
Jewish Computer
While in Israel I found a great buy on a computer. It is a kosher computer, called a DELLSHALOM. It was selling at such a good price that...well... 
Mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as: The cursor moves from right to left. 
It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games. 
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt." 
The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels." 
The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. 
After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours. 
The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button. 
When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus." 
The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!" 
Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner. 
I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup. 
Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that." 
When running "scan disk," it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?"message. 
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!" 
There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor. 
After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen." 
Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup. 
The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues. 
If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears "You should be ashamed of yourself." 
When Spell check finds and error it prompts "Is this the best you can do?" 
ER Yarmulke
I am a doctor and an orthodox Jew. I am accustomed to wearing a yarmulke.
One night, I was called to the ER for a woman with pelvic pain.  After performing a full pelvic examination, I informed her that surgery was necessary and left to make the arrangements.
The nurse entered and asked, "Did the doctor explain everything to your satisfaction?"
The woman replied "I haven't seen the doctor yet."
The nurse said, "But I thought I spoke to him about you."
The woman answered, "No, the only person who's been in here is a Rabbi".
RUDOLPH
It was Chanukah at the height of the Soviet era and the tiny village of Chelm was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour.
Rudi, the Rabbi was called upon to help solve the problem.  He said, "Don't worry.  You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!"
Rachel looks to her husband and says, "Morty... you think it'll work?"
"Of course!  As everybody knows... Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!"
The Dichotomy of Jewish Mothers 
On the first night of Chanukah, my Jewish mother said, "You'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the second night of Chanukah, my mother said to me, "Have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On the third night of Chanukah, my mother said to me, "Here's your chocolate dreidel, have a few more latkes, but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On the fourth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
" Taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes,
but you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On the fifth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
" YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On the sixth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
" Don't you like the doughnuts?
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead." On the seventh night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
" Take another brownie,
Don't you like the doughnuts?
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

On the eighth night of Chanukah, my mother said to me,
" Try my home-made strudel,
take another brownie,
Don't you like the doughnuts?
YOU'RE GETTING FAT!
taste my sugar cookies,
here's your chocolate dreidel,
have a few more latkes, but
you'd better lose some weight or you'll be dead."

$60,000 for the year
Morris Siegel, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. 
He had reported a net profit of $60,000 for the year. 
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. 
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $60,000?" 
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these business travel deductions of $125,000. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife." 
"Oh, that?" the owner said smiling. "Well....we also deliver." 
Pet Fish
After a day fishing in the Sea of Galilee Moshe the fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two rare fish in a bucket.  He is approached by Yaki Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

Moshe says to the warden, "I did not catch these fish, they are my pets.
Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take them for a swim only to return them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license, and a heavy fine is levied for illegally fishing rare fish. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water. Yaki the warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water."

Moshe turns to the warden and says, "What fish?"

A Nail Biter
Two elderly ladies, Ruth and Naomi, were discussing their husbands over tea...
Ruth said, "I do wish that my Ernie would stop biting his nails.  He makes me terribly nervous..."
Naomi replied, "My Shlomi used to do the same thing, but I broke him of the habit."
"How?" asked Ruth, rather curious, "I've been trying everything and I've even consulted my son-in-law, the family doctor, but to no avail.  What did you do?"
The wisened Naomi replied, "I hid his teeth!"
The New Rabbi
A Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi. The Executive Committee met and none-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let him  go.  Trouble was - who'd want to take him - especially if it got out that  he'd been fired?  So the Executive Committee decided to give him a glowing  letter of recommendation. It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and  even G-d Himself. The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the  Rabbi succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a  major upwardly-mobile  Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with three  junior Rabbis working under him.

 Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new employers  began to  observe some of his imperfections. The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit  angrily called the President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed  this man mostly on the basis of  your recommendation. How could you  possibly compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself, when he  can't string  together a correct sentence in English, when his knowledge  of  Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of everything else, he's a  liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life ?"
 " Simple,"answered his colleague. "Like Shakespeare, he has no  Hebrew or  Jewish knowledge.  Like Moses, he can't speak English, and like G-d Himself  - 'Er is nisht kan mensch (He's not a human being!)."

Definitions of Jewish Foods
Latkes
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything produced in the House of Pancakes. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs, and matzo meal and cooked in hot oil. Latkes may be eaten with apple sauce or sour cream but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days, hence the miracle of Chanukah. What is certain is that you will have a heartburn for the same amount of time.

Matzoh
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water--no flavor at all. When made well, it might taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after. Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known delicacies which is more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat groats and bow-tie noodles, with some fried onions. Why bow-ties and not, for example,
elbow macaroni? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that bow ties are very neat and tidy and G-d forbid there should be an elbow on her table. Blintzes
Basically this is the Jewish answer to Crepes Suzettes. Kishka
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, spices, and for flavor, chicken fat. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent [see below] and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left. Kreplach
Sounds much worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other swears it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it's your mother or your mother-in-law who made it. Cholent
This combination of noxious gases has been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or meat, which cooks for at least 24 hours, is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else with which it comes into contact. At a Mexican restaurant a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican refried beans exclaimed: 
" What! They serve leftover cholent here too?!" Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of the fish got rather stuck and mangled. My son [5 years old] looked at them and commented, "Is that why they call it 'Go Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it is ground fish balls (or ovals) eaten with horseradish ["chrain"], which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.

Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel. Rumors persist that the inventors of the bagel were Norwegians who couldn't otherwise get anyone to buy smoked salmon. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could support the spread of cream cheese and wouldn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? Many philosophers (mostly French and German) believe the hole is the essence of the bagel and the dough is only there for emphasis.

How Traditions Get Started
A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. 

The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure. This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Bubie and ask her." So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the ends off the brisket before roasting.  The Bubie thinks for a moment and then says, "You know, I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket. Now the three women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the great-bubie in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket," they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?" 

"I don't know why YOU do it" said the old woman, "but I never had a pan that was large enough!" 

 
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