| And G-d Created Israel |
| On
the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said: "Today I
am going to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains
full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high
cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich so to make
the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli,
and they shall be known to the most people on earth." "But
Lord, asked the Angels, don't you think you are being too generous
to these Israeli's?"
"Not really,
God replied, just wait and see the neighbors I am
going to give them."
|
| Wanting
to become a Rabbi |
| A boy decided that he wanted to become
a rabbi when he grew up, so his father suggested that he go to speak
to their shul rabbi to find out what the job entailed.
"Ask me any question about the rabbinate and I'll give
you the answer," declared the rabbi when the boy went to meet him.
"Well, besides giving a
sermon for about fifteen mintues on a
Shabbat morning, what else do you do
all week?" the boy asked.
"You don't want to become
a rabbi," thundered the rabbi. "With
questions like that you want to become
the shul president!"
|
| Medical
Relief |
A rabbi once went to see his doctor,
complaining of terrible stomach pains.
The doctor examined him thoroughly and then asked him if there was a
sermon that he had intended to give, but hadn't been able to do so.
"It's funny you should ask," replied the rabbi. "I
prepared a sermon for Shmini Atzeret, but what with Yizkor and the
Prayer for Rain, the service was running so late that I didn't have
time to deliver it." So the doctor told him
to preach the sermon there and then in
the surgery which the rabbi promptly
did. After about twenty minutes
the rabbi collapsed exhausted into a
chair and the doctor asked him how he
was now feeling. "Wow! Much better," said
the rabbi. "The pains have all gone."
The
doctor replied: "I'm
not surprised now that you've got all
that rubbish out of your system."
|
| Too
Thin |
Hershele Motskin had successfully bouted
with years of disease; most recently it was a troubling case of stomach
bug that prevented him from eating anything with ease.
When word got around, his friends asked Hershele's mamaleh about the
condition.
" Nu, mamaleh? Is it true that Hershele's lost a lot of weight?"
Hershele's mamaleh, never wanting to reveal his actual illness, replied, "Well,
I don't wanna say he's thin, but when he wears his red necktie, he looks
like a thermometer." |
| Rothberg
and Rochmis' Garment Dispute |
Rothberg, the manufacturer, and Rochmis,
the wholesaler, enjoyed a fine business relationship for many years,
but they got into a dispute about a shipment of garmets which Rothberg
swore he had sent adn Rochmis insisted he had never received.
Thereafter, on the first of each month, Rothberg would send a bill, and
just as regularly Rochmis ignored it.
But when a year had passed without payment, Rothberg instructed his accountant
to draft a telegram demanding his money. Dutifully, the accountant
prepared his telegram:
" DEBT NOW A YEAR OVERDUE. REMIT AT ONCE. CAN WAIT NO LONGER."
But Rothberg hit the ceiling. "Who needs so many words?" he said
crossly, his sense of frugality outraged. "You couldn't make it
shorter?"
" I don't see how," answered the accountant.
Rothberg grabbed a pencil and quickly reduced the telegram to one word: "NU?"
And the reply which came back from Rochmis the same day was: "SUE!" |
| Post
Operation Pain |
| Mortimer
Meldman had just undergone a very complicated operation to his spleen,
and was complaining endlessly about a bump on his head and a terrible
headache. Since his operation
had been an abdominal one, there was no earthly reason why he should
be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, Nurse Irma Goldstein of Flatbush,
fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative
shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The
doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing, Nurse
Goldstein.
He really does have a bump on his head. About
halfway through the operation we ran out
of anesthetic."
|
| Essence
of a Sermon |
A rabbi delivers a sermon of monumental
depth and pith that lasted nearly one hour. As soon as he finishes,
the president walks up to him and tells him that, since he is a newspaper
editor, he could assure that the sermon would make it into print. However,
he would have to reduce it into the written equivalent of half the
time that it took to deliver.
"No problem" says the rabbi. I'll reduce it to fit." ...and
so he does.
The article appears and another member of the Shul Board, who is a
TV producer, invites the rabbi to deliver it on the air... BUT... he
had only a five minute spot. "No problem" says the rabbi. "I
can reduce it to fit the time slot." ...and so he does.
At the end of the TV show, the producer says to the rabbi "that was a
wonderful sermon. Beautifully written and delivered but tell me something,
please. If you could reduce it to fit the article and the TV spot... why
the heck did you waste 55 minutes of our precious Shabbat sleep time?" |
| Angry
Teacher |
Rabbi Mordechai Schleppman was
a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So
it was only to be expected that he would get furious when little Saul
handed in a poor paper.
"This is the worst Yiddish essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted
the rabbi. "It has to many mistakes I can't understand how one person would
have made all these mistakes."
" One person didn't," replied Saul defensively. "My father helped
me." |
| Dear
G-D |
Motke the Post Office worker,
at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, poorly handwritten
envelope, addressed to G-d. He opens it and discovers it is from
an elderly lady, distressed because all her savings - $100 have been
stolen.
She will be cold and hungry this Pesach without divine intervention.
He shares the letter with his fellow postal workers, who dig deep and come
up with $96. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.
A week later, Motke recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He
opens it:
" Dear G-d, Thank you for the $100 for Pesach, which would have been so
bleak otherwise.
P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving gonifs
at the Post Office." |
| Favorite
Cookies |
| An
elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping
the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored
breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven; there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man? Mustering one great final
effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing
on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched
lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie
was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
him back to life.
The aged and withered hand
trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of
the table, when it was suddenly smacked with
a spatula by his wife. "Don't touch," she said, "they're
for the shiva."
|
| Eating
and Fasting |
| As
a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on
which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.
Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts
throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle
that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely
aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays
requiring light snacking. (You can
invent your own; e.g., the Extremely
Reform Festival of the Pretzel Sticks.) Note Unlike Christians,
who simply attend church on special
days (e. g Ash Wednesday), on Jewish
holidays most Jews take the whole day
off. This is because Jews, for historical
and personal reasons, are more stressed
out.
The Yo-yo Diet Guide
to the Jewish Holidays
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts
for a whole month.
Get
a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes
etc.
17th of Tammuz -- Fast [definitely no
cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't
even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle.
Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders
before High Holidays arrive again.
|
| Survivor |
| Flush
with the success of its latest creation, CBS is launching a new version,
called Jewish Survivor.
16 Jews are put in a two-bedroom co-op
on the Upper West Side of New York.
Each week they vote out one member until there is a final survivor
who gets
$1 million (but placed into a trust that does not vest until age
59).
The
Rules:
1. No maid service.
2. No use of ATMs or credit cards.
3. No food from take-out or delivery
which includes Chinese food.
4. All purchases must be retail.
5. No calls to mother for women, office
for men.
6. Outside trips must be by foot, bus
or subway no limos or cabs.
7. All workouts/exercise must be done
in regular sweats
no designer labels.
8. Zabars is off limits.
9. No Jewish geography.
10. No, NY Times - Only, NY Post or
NY Daily News.
11. No Pottery Barn, J. Crew, Lands
End or William Sonoma catalogs.
12. Only one phoneline for all 16 Tribe
members. No call can last more than
3 minutes. No cell phones.
13. Maintenance problems must be resolved
by the Tribe, without help from any
gentile.
14. All therapy sessions suspended.
15. No consulting with attorneys.
Only problem: We hear there have been
no applicants as yet.
|
| A
Jewish Guide to Shoveling Snow |
By Jordan Max
JWR contributor Jordan
Max is a Toronto-based humorist and columnist for The Canadian Jewish
News.
LAST YEAR, in Toronto, we had a lot of snow. I spent many hours shoveling it. I Shoveling snow is boring work, and after a while a mind tends to wander. So I resolved that this year I would be prepared with lots to think about. I researched and imagined sending letters to key Jewish figures, polling them for their keen insight on shoveling snow. This is what I thought their responses would be.:
Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of what anyone else thinks."
Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in discussions with our neighbours. No wait, you can shovel only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait, don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"
Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the driveway, since you really do not have any valid historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will soon be given back to its rightful owners."
Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow; Ashkenaz version, chapter 5) - "First approach the snow with the proper kavanah, meditating on the concept of snow removal. Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the shoveling of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend the knees slightly with feet together, then look at the snow, lift shovel and dig, turning right and then left, bend knees fully, take three steps forward and deposit snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink, remembering to say the Shehakol brocha (see Artscroll Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."
Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights: each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."
Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that clings to one's beard if you remain outside too long in the winter season. (Old French: neige). Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse in Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will turn as white as snows"
Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling is done, but the very act of Jewish teenagers shoveling snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision, will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."
Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"
Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world which unites all Jews. It falls on us all, regardless of religious denomination and belief, and is therefore instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and diversity. In fact, just this week, I was explaining the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President Weizman, President Clinton, and His Holiness the Pope, who had asked my opinion."
The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a disciple) - "Shoveling snow is a distraction from our efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow will have miraculously disappeared anyway."
Now, if I could just find my boots. |
| Stopped
Giving Milk |
The
only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people
did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow
for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal,
they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful. It produced
lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and
very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce
more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk
supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However,
whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise,
what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches
our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When
he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and
she just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this
cow from Minsk?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they
had gotten the cow.
"You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow
from Minsk?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk." |
| |
