| SIGNS
AT A BAR-MITZVAH |
| At
a Bar-Mitzvah, the rabbi stacked a bunch of apples on one end of
a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - God is
watching."
On the other end of
the table was a pile of cookies which a friend of the bar-mitzvah
boy had placed a sign on saying, "Take all the cookies you want -
God is watching the apples." |
| More
Hebonics
|
The Brooklyn School
Board has declared Jewish/English a second language.
Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to
recognize
Hebonics as the language of many American Jews.
In Hebonics questions
are always answered with questions.
Sample usage comparisons : Question: "How
do you feel?"
Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"
Standard English Phrase: "He
walks slowly"
Hebonics Phrase: "Like a fly in the ointment he walks."
English: "Sorry,do you
know what time it is ?"
Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"
English: "I hope things
turn out okay"
Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"
English: "I see you're
wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like? English: "Anything
can happen."
Hebonics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"
English: "May I take
your plate sir?"
Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's
wrong with it?"
English: "It's been
so long since you've called.
Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
The sarcastic repetition
of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for
emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes "shmurtle."
English: "Let's not
go the beach, lets go to the mountains and ski."
Hebonics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to
you? English: " Have you
seen Morris recently ?
Hebonics: " What, you think I have a detective business ? "
English: " Aunt Sherry
died last Sunday. "
Hebonics: " So what's new ? She is always complaining anyway!" |
| Insomnia
|
"Listen to me, Mr.
Levy," said the doctor. "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia,
you have to stop taking you trouble to bed with you."
"I know, but I can't," said Herb Levy. "My wife refuses to sleep alone." |
| As
Prompt as the Tailor
|
| A young man
brough his pants to a tailor to have them altered. The next
day, he was called to London on a last-minute job assignment.
He returned to his Brooklyn
home five years later. While dressing, he reached into his
jacket pocket and found the tailor's receipt for his pants. He went
to the tailor's shop, handed him the receipt, and asked, "Are my
pants here?"
"Yes, of course," said
the tailor. "Be ready next Tuesday." |
| Sol's
Interview
|
Sol an orthodox
jew goes on a job interview with a gentile employer.
In the course of the interview the employer asks him what his salary
requirements are.
Sol thinking of his large family and the many tuition bills tells him
that he'd would like to earn 80k, to this the gentile responds that
in today's market and with Sol's skill set he is only worth about 60k.
Upon hearing this Sol tells him "...listen even though I am orthodox
and keep kosher, I still have to bring home the bacon!!" |
| Jewish
Holidays
|
| As
a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on
which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.
Many Jews observe
no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored
principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified,
you definitely aren't. Though
there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring
light snacking.
Note: Unlike Christians,
who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday),
on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because
Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
The Diet Guide
to the Jewish Holidays
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get
a grip on yourself. Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)
17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake
or blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle.
Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive
again. |
| The
Attack
|
An
army of Syrian soldiers, comprising tanks, mortar, and infantry are
traveling down the Golan heights to attack Israel.
They come over the top of a hill, and down below is a small Jew yelling
at them. Hey Abdul, I'm here and waiting. Nu, send me a few of your best.
The Syrian commander angrily orders a group of infantry to attack.
After the dust settles, there's the Jew laughing. ;That's the best you
got? I've seen tougher soldiers by the Hadassah ladies' bazaar.
Enraged, the Syrian commander turns to his top Colonel telling him to take
a platoon of tanks and kill the pest. Again the dust settles, and again only
the little Jew is left standing. That's it?; he yells, that's the best you could
do? With this you'll be lucky if you could defeat a girl scout group.
The Syrian commander is beside himself with anger. He's about to take his
entire army to attack.
Just then one of the wounded Syrian soldiers, lying on the battle field,
lifts his head and yells to his commander, Go back, go back! It's a trap, there
are two of them. |
| Finding
your Bashert
|
| There are 3,292,393,161,375,414,113
beings in this universe. 3,292,393,155,307,785,103 of those include
G-d, angels, seraphim, aliens, creatures, cartoon characters, and
imaginary friends. That leaves 6,067,692,010 available human earthlings
you can date!
Jews currently represent
1/5 of 1% of the world's population. That leaves about 13,000,000
people you can pick from. Of the 13,000,000 Jews
available, 50% are not quite the gender you're looking for, that
leaves 6,500,000. Plenty of Jews are currently
dating, plenty of Jews are already married, plenty others aren't
dating yet. So we can eliminate 2/3rds of what's available. That
leaves about 2,166,666 people. There are several categories
of Judaic practice, in no particular order whatsoever, they are:
Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, Yeshivish, Litvish, Chasidish, Black
Hatters, Kipa Srugarians, and Young Israelites. Since no one should
be dating outside of their category - lest they suffer from community
gossip - we can eliminate 8/9ths of what's left. That leaves 240,740
people.
4/5ths of what's left don't
have the funds, transportation, or desire to date anyone not from
their continent. 48,148 left over. 3/4ths of what's left are
nowhere near your age. That leaves 12,037 people. 2/3rds of those are
too lazy to date anyone located more than 50 miles away. 4,012. Half
of those people are waiting for love to find them, they can wait. That
leaves 2,006 people. 6 Jews are too cheap to
pay the tolls. Of the 2,000 people left over, you will never hear
of nor will anyone ever mention 3/4ths of them to you. 500 people
are left over. Let's assume that 500 is
the maximum amount you'll ever get "ret" to you in your entire lifetime.
Of these 500, 50 will be too tall for you to ever go out with, 50
will be too short for you to ever go out with, 50 you won't go out
with because some friend of theirs told them not to go out with you,
50 you won't go out with because some friend of YOURS told you not
to go out with them, 40 are too reform/ Conservative/ Orthodox/ Yeshivish/
Litvish/ Chasidish/ Black Hatty/ Kipa Srugy/ Young Israeli, 40 aren't
Reform/ Conservative/ Orthodox/ Yeshivish/ Litvish/ Chasidish/ Black
Hatty/ Kipa Srugy/ Young Israeli ENOUGH, and 10 simply give your
mother a "bad vibe." Now let's assume that 200
people is the maximum that a person will ever date. Of these 200,
9/10ths will reject you, and you'll never know why, 1/10th will dump
you with a pretty good reason. 100 left. Let's assume that with
what's left over, YOU get to decide what to do. 10 are too dumb,
10 are too smart, 10 have an attitude, 10 you have hashkafa problems
with, 10 you're not attracted to, 10 you have nothing in common with,
10 are too self-centered, 10 are selfish, 10 did weird stuff on your
date that you didn't approve of. Of the remaining 10, 5
you share no chemistry with, 1 is a fruitcake, 1 scares you for no
particular reason, 1 should be locked up, and 1 belongs in Bellevue.
That leaves your bashert. |
| The
Women I Love
|
A
young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women
and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay,
Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her. |
| Are
You hiring any Help
|
Ethel
Ginsburg walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring
any help?" she asked.
"No," he said curtly. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Nu? Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she fired back. |
| No
Appetite
|
Two
little old ladies, Gertrude and Zelda, were sitting on a park bench.
"Gertrude," said Zelda, "I don't understand something. I simply have
no appetite lately. No matter how much I try to eat, I have no appetite."
Gertrude said, "Listen dalink, my doctor once told me if I didn't have
an appetite I should take a little piece of herring before the meal and an appetite
would develop. So I tried it and it was true. So take my advice and
try a little piece of herring before lunch and you'll see, you'll develop an
appetite."
A few days later the two meet in the park again.
"Nu, Zelda, how do you feel now? Did the herring give you an appetite?"
Zelda sighed, "I tried your system. First I had a little piece of
herring. Then I had a whole herring. I really wanted to give it a chance
so I ate six herrings. My dalink friend, it doesn't work. Would you
believe, when lunch time came, I had absolutely no appetite!" |
| Theme
Songs for Bible Characters
|
Noah: "Raindrops
Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy" |
| Ten
reasons for celebrating Purim:
|
- Making
noise in shul is a mitzvah.
- Levity
is not reserved for the Levites.
- If
you're having a bad hair day, you can always wear a mask no
one will know who you are.
- Purim
is easier to spell than Khanuka, Chanukah, Chanuka, Hanuka--
the Hebrew name for the Festival
of Lights.
- You
don't have to kasher your home and change all the pots and dishes.
- You
don't have to build a sukkah and eat outside.
- You
get to drink wine & you don't have to stand
for Kiddush.
- Mordechai
- 1; Haman - 0.
- You
won't get hit in the eye by a lulav.
- You can't eat hamentaschen on Yom Kippur.
|
| Driving
in Israel
|
a. Just
because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move
over doesn't mean that an Israeli driver flashing his high beams
behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
b. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut
during rush-hour traffic in Tel Aviv. This does not mean that
the moron behind you doesn't want you to move faster.
c. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or
even someone
changing a tire.
d. Learn to swerve abruptly. Israel is the home of high-speed
slalom driving thanks to the Public Works Department, which puts potholes
in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. |
| |
