Driving in Israel
Signs at a Bar-Mitzvah
As Prompt as the Tailor
Are You Hiring Any Help
Theme Songs for Bible Characters
The Women I Love
Finding your Bashert
Ten reasons for celebrating Purim
|SIGNS AT A BAR-MITZVAH|
a Bar-Mitzvah, the rabbi stacked a bunch of apples on one end of
a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - God is
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies which a friend of the bar-mitzvah boy had placed a sign on saying, "Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples."
| The Brooklyn School
Board has declared Jewish/English a second language.
Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize
Hebonics as the language of many American Jews.
In Hebonics questions
are always answered with questions.
English: " Aunt Sherry
died last Sunday. "
|"Listen to me, Mr.
Levy," said the doctor. "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia,
you have to stop taking you trouble to bed with you."
"I know, but I can't," said Herb Levy. "My wife refuses to sleep alone."
|As Prompt as the Tailor|
| A young man
brough his pants to a tailor to have them altered. The next
day, he was called to London on a last-minute job assignment.
He returned to his Brooklyn home five years later. While dressing, he reached into his jacket pocket and found the tailor's receipt for his pants. He went to the tailor's shop, handed him the receipt, and asked, "Are my pants here?"
"Yes, of course," said the tailor. "Be ready next Tuesday."
| Sol an orthodox
jew goes on a job interview with a gentile employer.
In the course of the interview the employer asks him what his salary requirements are.
Sol thinking of his large family and the many tuition bills tells him that he'd would like to earn 80k, to this the gentile responds that in today's market and with Sol's skill set he is only worth about 60k.
Upon hearing this Sol tells him "...listen even though I am orthodox and keep kosher, I still have to bring home the bacon!!"
a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on
which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.
Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking. Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.
The Diet Guide
to the Jewish Holidays
army of Syrian soldiers, comprising tanks, mortar, and infantry are
traveling down the Golan heights to attack Israel.
They come over the top of a hill, and down below is a small Jew yelling at them. Hey Abdul, I'm here and waiting. Nu, send me a few of your best.
The Syrian commander angrily orders a group of infantry to attack.
After the dust settles, there's the Jew laughing. ;That's the best you got? I've seen tougher soldiers by the Hadassah ladies' bazaar.
Enraged, the Syrian commander turns to his top Colonel telling him to take a platoon of tanks and kill the pest. Again the dust settles, and again only the little Jew is left standing. That's it?; he yells, that's the best you could do? With this you'll be lucky if you could defeat a girl scout group.
The Syrian commander is beside himself with anger. He's about to take his entire army to attack.
Just then one of the wounded Syrian soldiers, lying on the battle field, lifts his head and yells to his commander, Go back, go back! It's a trap, there are two of them.
|Finding your Bashert|
|There are 3,292,393,161,375,414,113
beings in this universe. 3,292,393,155,307,785,103 of those include
G-d, angels, seraphim, aliens, creatures, cartoon characters, and
imaginary friends. That leaves 6,067,692,010 available human earthlings
you can date!
Jews currently represent
1/5 of 1% of the world's population. That leaves about 13,000,000
people you can pick from. Of the 13,000,000 Jews
available, 50% are not quite the gender you're looking for, that
leaves 6,500,000. Plenty of Jews are currently
dating, plenty of Jews are already married, plenty others aren't
dating yet. So we can eliminate 2/3rds of what's available. That
leaves about 2,166,666 people. There are several categories
of Judaic practice, in no particular order whatsoever, they are:
Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, Yeshivish, Litvish, Chasidish, Black
Hatters, Kipa Srugarians, and Young Israelites. Since no one should
be dating outside of their category - lest they suffer from community
gossip - we can eliminate 8/9ths of what's left. That leaves 240,740
That leaves your bashert.
|The Women I Love|
young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women
and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her.
|Are You hiring any Help|
Ginsburg walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring
any help?" she asked.
"No," he said curtly. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Nu? Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she fired back.
little old ladies, Gertrude and Zelda, were sitting on a park bench.
"Gertrude," said Zelda, "I don't understand something. I simply have no appetite lately. No matter how much I try to eat, I have no appetite."
Gertrude said, "Listen dalink, my doctor once told me if I didn't have an appetite I should take a little piece of herring before the meal and an appetite would develop. So I tried it and it was true. So take my advice and try a little piece of herring before lunch and you'll see, you'll develop an appetite."
A few days later the two meet in the park again.
"Nu, Zelda, how do you feel now? Did the herring give you an appetite?"
Zelda sighed, "I tried your system. First I had a little piece of herring. Then I had a whole herring. I really wanted to give it a chance so I ate six herrings. My dalink friend, it doesn't work. Would you believe, when lunch time came, I had absolutely no appetite!"
|Theme Songs for Bible Characters|
| Noah: "Raindrops
Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
|Ten reasons for celebrating Purim:|
|Driving in Israel|
| a. Just
because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move
over doesn't mean that an Israeli driver flashing his high beams
behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
b. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Tel Aviv. This does not mean that the moron behind you doesn't want you to move faster.
c. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tire.
d. Learn to swerve abruptly. Israel is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Public Works Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
Israeli History in a Nutshell
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