harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 43
Going Deaf Hearing Aid Obituary
The Wrong Way Gefilte Fish SHACHPATZIT
Take me out to the Seder Haikus for Jews Three Jewish Sons 
The Truth about Gefilte Fish Jewish Humor Books Seder Pickup Lines
Three Wise Jewish Women A Question of Proper Headgear Twas the night after Seder
There are too many Jews there Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew Getting Some Sleep in Shul

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Going Deaf
Ginsburg was convinced that his wife was getting deaf.  She refused to go to an audiologist, so he asked the doctor what could be done.
"Start at the door of the room.  Tell her something in a normal tone of voice.  If she doesn't respond, move a little closer, still using a normal tone of voice.  That should tell you just how deaf she is. 
Ginsburg saw his wife was doing the dishes.  He said, "I love you my darling."
No response. 
He moved a few steps into the room and repeated, "I love you my darling."
Still no response. 
He moved closer, until he could touch almost touch her and repeated, "I love you, my darling."
With this, his wife turned around and said, "For the third time, I love you too."
Hearing Aid
Goldblatt was showing off.  He told his friend, "I bought a hearing aid yesterday.  It cost me two thousand bucks, but it is state of the art." 
"What kind is it?" his friend asked. 
"A quarter of twelve," was the answer. 
Take me out to the Seder
(To the tune of, "Take Me Out to the Ball Game!")

Take me out to the Seder
Take me out with the crowd.
Feed me on matzah and chicken legs,
I don't care for the hard-boiled eggs.
And it's root, root, root for Elijah
That he will soon reappear.
And let's hope, hope, hope that we'll meet
Once again next year!

Take me out to the Seder
Take me out with the crowd.
Read the Haggadah
And don't skip a word.
Please hold your talking,
We want to be heard.
And let's, root, root, root for the leader that he will finish his spiel

So we can nosh, nosh, nosh and by-gosh
Let's eat the meal!!!

'Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house
  Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.  The matzah, the farfel, the charoset I ate, After both the Sedarim, had gone to my waist.  When I got on the scales there arose such a number!  When I walked over to shul (less a walk than a lumber), I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The turkey with gravy, the beef nicely rared, The wine and the matzo balls, the Migdal pareve cheese The way I'd never said, "I've had enough; no more, if you please."

As I tied myself into my apron again I spied my reflection and disgustedly, then -- I said to myself, "you're such a weak wimp", "You can't show up at shul resembling a blimp!"

So--away with the last of the meatballs so sweet, Get rid of the turkey, chopped liver and meat.  Every last bit of food that I like must be banished "Till all the additional ounces have vanished.  I won't have any more macaroons from the box, I can't wait til next week.

(Ah, the bagels and lox.) I won't have any luxion, farfel or p'chah, I'll munch on a carrot or wire shut my own jaw .  It's a three day yom tov and shabbas is still Ahead of me with another fleshiks meal to fulfill.  If I have to cook one more chicken, I think I will riot.  So a zisn pesach to you all and to all a good diet!

The Wrong Way
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. 
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-75."
Please be  careful!" 
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one...there's hundreds of them!" 
Obituary
Mandelbaum died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.  She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: ....Bernie is dead." 
The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." 
The woman answered, "Okay, then print: 
.....Bernie is dead. Lexus for sale."
There are too many Jews there
Two nuns were discussing where they were planning on traveling. "Where should I go on vacation?" said the first nun to the other. 
"Go to Israel," said the second nun. " 
"No. There are too many Jews there," said the first nun. 
"Well, go to New York instead." 
"No," said the second nun "there are too many Jews there!" 
"How about going to Miami?" said the first nun. 
Once again the second nun replied "No. There are two many Jews there." 
A Jewish lady who had been sitting nearby heard the whole conversation and replied: "Go to hell. There are no Jews there!"
The Truth about Gefilte Fish
  Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of Hashem's creatures. This has led me to explain exactly what a gefilte fish is. So once again, here goes.

 Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located Upstate New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the surface, Frum fishermen set out to "catch" gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish cannot be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe thousands of years. For all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides), when he wasn't busy playing doctor, spent his leisure time G/F fishing. Enough already, you say, so how is it done?

 Well you go up to the edge of the lake with some Matzoh. Now this is very important!  It has to be Shmurah Matzoh or the fish will not be attracted. You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say "here boy," "here boy." The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzoh. They come en masse to the edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot.  

 Again, you must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong and the weak. The weak are your standard fish which are in a loose "broth" (it is actually the lakewater). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a "jell". These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are caught in the Dead Sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that "jell."

 Last year, a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Reb, shouldn't they be saying 'Here Boychic!'" I didn't have the heart to tell him, Boychic is a Yiddish word and Gefilte Fish don't understand Yiddish!  Only Hebrew, and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether to use the Hebrew or English in the US. With a big break from tradition, shockingly the English is accepted by almost all G/F fishermen. Some still insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of "Here Boy" as Reform and not Halachicly acceptable. However the Congress of OU Rabbis (who have to be present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept "here boy!"

 The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim is over or the fish are considered Chametz! Besides, the fish know when Pesach is coming, and will not respond to the Matzoh before the proper time. I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are.) This is a small price to pay for the luxury of eating this delicacy. Have you ever had the baby G/F? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little guilty eating them!

Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzoh doesn't affect you like Pepto Bismol or, worse yet, prunes.

Getting some sleep in shul
Little Saul fell asleep during the rabbi's very long sermon.  I'm sure some of you can appreciate being 6 years old and not wanting to learn the subtleties of implicit lessons between two obscure words in the Song of Songs, when instead you could be watching cartoons at home.

The rabbi raised his voice and pounded the railing of the bima but the boy would not wake up.  Finally, the rabbi called to the boy's father, who was sitting beside his boy.  "Wake him up!"

Saul's father replied, "Nu?  Wake him up yourself.  You put him to sleep!"

SHACHPATZIT
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 Get one of these babies and you can scrap those wimpy cotton Arba Kanfos.
Be safe, be frum, and save precious seconds during the morning rush!
 Guaranteed the only garment which meets both the US Federal Standard for the Ballistic Resistance of Personal Body Armour (NIJ STD 0101.04) published by the US National Institute of Justice (NIJ) and the Jewish Federal Standard for Ritual Fringes on Personal Body Armour (SA OH 9:1-6) published by the Beis Vaad Lechachamim of Queens (BVLQ).
Available in a variety of colors.
Abbott & Costello Learn Hebrew
    by Rabbi Jack Moline

You have to keep in mind the meaning in English of just five Hebrew words.
  #1) Mee means 'Who' in English
  #2) Hu means 'He' in English
  #3) Hee means 'She' in English
  #4) Ma mean 'What' in English
  #5) Dag means 'Fish' in English

 ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
  COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
  A: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have 
many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
  C: Sure, I understand.
  A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
  C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's simple-some words 
in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.
  A: Precisely.
  C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
  A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
  C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with 
the Hebrew.
  A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
  C: You.
  A: No , mee.
  C: Fine, we'll start with you.
  A: No, we'll start with mee.
  C: Okay, have it your way.
  A: Now, mee is who.
  C: You is Abbott.
  A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
  C: You is Abbott.
  A: You don't understand.
  C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
  A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
  C: You is Abbott.
  A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
  C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
  A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
  C: Who?
  A: Precisely.
  C: Precisely what?
  A: Precisely who.
  C: It's precisely whom!
  A: No, mee is who.
  C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
  A: All right. Hu is he.
  C: Who is he?
  A: Yes.
  C: I don't know. Who is he?
  A: Sure you do. You just said it.
  C: I just said what?
  A: Hu is he.
  C: Who is he?
  A: Precisely.
  C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
  A: No, precisely hee.
  C: Precisely he? Who is he?
  A: Precisely!
  C: And what about me?
  A: Hu.
  C: me, me, me!
  A: Hu, hu, hu!
  C: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
  A: No, hu is he!
  C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
  A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
  C: Do his parents know about this?
  A: About what?
  C: About her!
  A: What about her?
  C: That she is he!
  A: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
  C: Then who is he?
  A: Precisely!
  C: Who?
  A: He!
  C: Me?
  A: Hu!
  C: He?
  A: She!
  C: Who is she?
  A: No, hu is he.
  C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
  A: No, that's not right.
  C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it,  and I know me.
  A: Hu.
  C: Who?
  A: Precisely!
  C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
  A: No, hee is she!
  C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and 
now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
  A: Go ahead.
  C: Now first You want to know me is who.
  A: Correct.
  C: And then you say who is he.
  A: Absolutely.
  C: And then you tell me he is she.
  A & C: Precisely!
  C: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she. 
Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
  A: Who?
  C: She!
  A: That is he!
  C: Who is he?
  A & C: Precisely!
  C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You 
know what I want? Ma!
  A: What.
  C: I said Ma.
  A: What.
  Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
  A: What!
  C: Not what, who!
  A: He!
  C: Not he! Ma is not he!
  A: Of course not! Hu is he!
  C: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is 
she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.
  A: Fish.
  C: Fish?
  A: Dag is fish.
  C: That's all, I'm outa here.

Seder Pickup Lines
  • Let's make this night really different from all others nights
  • What will you do to me for two zuzim?
  • What's a girl like you doing at a seder like this?
  • If 600,000 people can get taken out, one more couldn't hurt
  • I like my matzo thin, like my women.
  • I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac
  • Nice Hagadah
  • After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford
  • Honey, on this night we are supposed to recline, so let's get to it.
  • Seder? I hardly know her.
  • I bet I could make you sing Dayenu!
  • I could never Pass you Over...
  • Don't call it a bitter herb until you taste it.
  • We were strangers....emphisis on "were"
  • You're a 10 in my haggadah
  • Frogs.....ever kiss a frog?
  • I'm going to have to search you for chometz
  • How's about we go relive the "Darkness" plague up in my room.
  • I'm like one of the four sons; let me show you how wicked I can be.
Three Wise Jewish Women
What would have happened if, instead of three wise men, it had been three wise women?  Specifically, if it had been three wise Jewish women?  They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a brisket, and brought practical gifts. But what would they have said when they left?  "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that   shmatta-for-a-gown?" "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!" 
 "Virgin?  I knew her in school!"  "Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in there!" "I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!" "And that donkey that  they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your brisket dish back?"
The Sermon
A rabbi was once invited to deliver the sermon at a neighbouring congregation. The members were all looking forward to hearing him, especially since he had a wonderful reputation for never speaking for longer than twelve minutes.

When the day in question arrived, the rabbi went into the pulpit and spoke at exceptional length, not returning to his seat for more than an hour.

After the service the shul president approached the rabbi, told him how enjoyable the sermon had been, but also expressed some surprise at the fact that he had spoken for so long.

"I'll explain," said the rabbi. "I tend to decide what I'm going to say as I walk to shul on Shabbat morning. My home is exactly twelve minutes away from my regular shul, so my sermon is invariably just twelve minutes long. But today, it took me well over an hour to get here!"

Three Jewish Sons
    Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts hey were able to give their elderly mother. 
   The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." 
   The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." 
   The third son smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. 
   You remember how momma enjoyed reading from the Torah? 
   And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Torah. It took elders in the congregation 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it. 
   Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
   "David," she wrote one son, "The house you built is huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." 
   "Saul," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" 
   "Dearest Irwin," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
A Question of Proper Headgear
Shealah:  On Shabbat in Chicago is one permitted to wear a kipah with a New York Knicks symbol on it?

On a Shabbat morning I saw a youngster wearing a kipah with the sports symbol of the New York Knicks Professional Basketball team.  I wondered, "Why would someone born and raised in Chicago wear a symbol of a sports team from another city especially since the basketball season was over?  Would wearing a New York kipah confuse a fellow worshiper?"

Let's explore the background of wearing a head covering.  In the Talmud Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi says that it is forbidden to walk four cubits bare headed.  The covering of the head is associated with Yirat shamayim and as a continuation of the practice of the Babylonian scholars.

According to Rabbi Moshe Feinstein in his tshuva in Arech Hayyim aleph, page 5, a man is required to wear a covering if he intends to go more than 4 amot (about 6 feet).  If the man is sitting at his desk, he does not need a head covering until he gets up.

In the Talmud Rabbi Nahman's mother told him to cover his head so that the fear of heaven may be upon him.  The kind of head covering is not mentioned.

Tradition (or perhaps mothers) requires men to cover the head as sign of modesty before God and for women as a sign of modesty before men. This covering is a matter of Halacha l'Moshe mi-Sinai, law from the time of Sinai without a written commandment in the Torah.  We are unclear as to the exact source for the custom.  The custom is illustrated in both the Encyclopedia Judaica (1971) and in the Jewish Encyclopedia(1904).

The covering on the head became one of the hotly debated points of controversy between the Reform and Orthodox movements.  At one time many Reform congregations forbade head coverings; later they tolerated them; then they were made optional; now many Reform rabbis wear head covering during services and many of the congregation wear them too.  They have come to the conclusion the head covering is Jewish.

Let us examine our question is greater detail by trying to ascertain the questions within the question.

1) Is one required to wear a kipah?  Unless you are in a Reform Temple of 30 years ago there seems to be no question that wearing a head covering is standard attire.

2) Is there a difference between wearing a kipah by a male or female?  Very few people accept a kipah as regular head gear for women.  Sometimes if a married woman enters an Orthodox synagogue without a head covering she will be requested to wear the only available covering, a kipah.  Regular attenders will enter the synagogue with their own hat or other head covering.

3) May one wear a kipah with a corporate symbol?  This would seem to have two possibilities. A) One receives compensation or B) One does not receive compensation.  If you receive compensation from the company or work for the company then wearing of a kipah with a corporate symbol would be forbidden because you would engage in a commercial enterprise on Shabbat.  This would be work forbidden by the Torah.

4) Does the sports season or team matter?  If you are in Chicago and see a kipah from a New York team perhaps you could become confused.  If you see a kipah with for a summer sport team during the winter perhaps you could make a mistake and say mashiv ha-ruah in the wrong season?  If you see a team symbol from your favorite team who just lost their game maybe you will be sad.  In other words after a losing season a kipah with a symbol of the Chicago Cubs could be a sign of mourning.  Signs of mourning are forbidden on Shabbat.

5) Is the kipah in the general category of oneg Shabbat, the delight and joy of the Shabbat.  The power of a community to enact ordinances is limited only by the consent of the resident scholars.  If the scholars agree that the action is for the purpose of strengthening Jewish Law and intended for their own time and place, then there is a good chance that it (the change in action) will be accepted.  A congregation could say a particular kind of kipah or other clothing is not conducive to the mood of prayer in their building.  Anyone who does not comply could be forced to comply or leave the premises.  If the people around you are annoyed or disturbed by a sports symbol kipah then it is forbidden because it then not a device of oneg Shabbat.  The argument that this is a free country would not apply when one person is doing or wearing something that is so offensive to the community that they compromise oneg habbat.  In other words -- Those sitting near you are the resident scholars.  If they are offended don't wear any offending kipah.

6) Is there a difference between wearing a Knicks kipah during the off season or on season?  Will the people around you become confused with the seasons?  If so then one should not wear the kipah.  The second issue depends on whether they had a winning or losing season.  If they had a losing season and the people around you are reminded of the pain of losing then the kipah is a sign of mourning and is forbidden on Shabbat.  

7) Is there a difference between a youngster (pre-Bar Mitzvah age) wearing the Knicks kipah vs. an adult?  This is a question of tolerating one behavior in a child that for an adult would be forbidden.  Is the question of oneg Shabbat different when observing the head gear of an adult or child? If an adult wore a kipah with children's characters or symbols on it, the congregation would have a different level of respect than if he wore a kipah closer to the norms of the congregation.  If the people around the adult are confused or annoyed with the non-standard kipah its use should be restricted.

8)  Would it make any difference if you are in New York or Chicago?  In addition to the considerations of oneg Shabbat and being confused over the correct season we must consider:  Will someone who is not familiar with the wearer, kipah, or synagogue be confused?  Will a stranger think he is in the wrong city?  For regulars this is not a problem.  For people who travel a lot, one city looks like another.  If you are a New Yorker in Chicago, see a New York Knicks kipah, then you could be confused and think that you are in New York.  If you think that you are in New York, you could end Shabbat at the wrong time.  Ending the Shabbat at the wrong time is clearly a reason to forbid the wearing a sport team kipah in the wrong city.

In certain areas there is intense rivalry between cities.  This may cause a danger if you are wearing the wrong team's symbol.  It is advised not to wear a St. Louis Cardinal's kipah in Chicago irrespective of the day of the week.  However, in Jerusalem I saw people wearing St. Louis Cardinals's T-shirts next to those wearing Chicago Cubs T-shirts without any problems.

Conclusion:  Adults should think carefully before wearing a kipah with a sports or other corporate symbol.  The kipah could be making a statement that you are not intending.  One should not confuse or annoy the people around you because that would be against the principal of oneg Shabbat.  For a child the statement made by a sports symbol kipah is much less serious.  If the kipah could be considered a way of adding interest to attending services at the congregation or to add to the enjoyment Shabbat for the children, then the kipah is oneg Shabbat and is permitted.  If not, the wearing of this kind of kipah is discouraged. 

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