harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 44
Your Right Thank G-d The Visitor
Amen to That Chinese Food Airline Menu
The Customer Haikus for Jews Who Made You
The Civil Servant Jewish Telegram Internet Genesis
Question and Answers Time to Get Married Reason to Defect
Jewish - Mexican Restaurant Jewish Humor Books Kosher Restaurant

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Your Right
Max and Isaac come to the Rabbi's study to settle a dispute.  The Rabbi's wife is also seated in the room.

Max explains his complaint to the Rabbi:  the story is such and so, and he has to do this and he has to do that.  He gives a fine account and argues his case clearly. The Rabbi declares, "You're right, Max." Next, Isaac presents his side.  He speaks with such passion and persuasion that the Rabbi says to him, "You're right, Isaac." After they leave, the Rabbi's wife is distraught and says to her husband, "They have conflicting stories.  How can you say that both of them are right?  When one wins, the other must lose."

The Rabbi thinks long and hard and finally says to his wife, "You know, you're right."

The Visitor
This evening, the doorbell rang.  We live in a predominantly Jewish suburban neighborhood of single family houses, a demographic fact known far and wide.  I opened the door and was greeted by a nicely dressed man. "I have come to bring Jesus to your home,"he said.

I reacted almost immediately and asked, "Is he coming for dinner?" The man said, "He will come any time you are ready." Aha, I had a live one.  "Well, tonight we're having a stir fry.  Does Jesus like chicken?"I asked. The man's eyes glazed slightly. "I don't know if he still keeps kosher, after all these years,"I continued, "but this is a kosher home, so he'll be able to eat." The man fumbled into a briefcase and handed me a printed brochure, which I ignored.   "If he wants to daven Mincha before he comes, the shul is only three blocks from here,"I said. He gulped, "What?" I repeated my statement and added, "You mean Jesus Christ, don't you?" He nodded. I continued, "Born in Bethlehem?" He nodded and started to back away from my door. I smiled and said, "If that's the guy, he's Jewish." As he started to turn away, I said, "You're invited too, but no butter on your dinner roll."and the guy almost ran down the walk. My wife asked me who was at the door and I told her, "Some friend of Jesus." She knows me.  She shrugged. "And did you invite him in?"she asked. I nodded, "Sure. I invited him and Jesus to dinner, but the guy ran away." She walked back into her office, and said over her shoulder, "You don't speak Aramaic, dummy. Jesus would have a lousy evening here."

I told you, she knows me.  I forgot all about the language problem.

Thank G-d

  During the early part of the Hitler regime, prior to the infamous "final solution,"German Jews taught their children to conform, outwardly, to Nazi customs, for the sake of survival.

 One such Jew was teaching his young son how to conduct himself when eating in a restaurant where he might be observed by others.  "When saying the blessing,"he reminded the youngster, "the correct form of grace is 'Thank God and the Fuehrer.'"

 "But suppose the Fuehrer dies?"queried the boy.

 "In that case, my son,"the father explained, "you just thank God."

Kosher Restaurant

  President Kennedy had sent one Dr. Louis Finkelstein, an Orthodox rabbi, as a U.S. delegate at the coronation of Pope Paul VI.

 On his way to Rome, rabbi Finkelstein stopped in Paris.  While there, some of the Parisian rabbis took him only to kosher restaurants.

 Dr. Finkelstein said to some of his friends, "I can't understand all this fuss people make about French cooking.  We have the same things at home!"

Airline Menu

Scandinavian Airlines dinner:  Smoked salmon on hard doughnut-shaped rolls.

El Al dinner:  Lox on bagels.

Who Made You

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.  From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.  She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.  Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did G-d make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart,"he answered, "G-d made me a long time ago."

"Oh,"she paused, "Grandpa, did G-d make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey,"he said, "G-d made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "G-d's getting better at it, isn't he?"

Amen to That

  Loewenstein, who had escaped from Germany just moments before Hitler's SS troopers stormed his house, was in a restaurant on the Champs Elysees in Paris, sipping an espresso, peoplewatching.

  Two Germans entered the place and sat down at a table adjacent to Loewenstein, where they discussed Adolf boisterously.

 "Hitler is not as bad as his enemies say he is,"said one.

 "You're right,"said the second.  "The trouble with Hitler is that he is his own worst enemy."

"Not while I am alive!"shouted Loewenstein.

Reason to Defect
  A Jew in Moscow was awakened in the middle of the night by a loud knock on the door.
Who's there?"he asked.
"The postman!"came the reply.
The man got out of bed and opened the door and found two KGB agents.
"Are you Liebovitch?"
"Yes."
"And did you make an application to go to Israel?"
"I did."
"Don't you have enough food to eat here?"
"Yes, we do."
"Don't your children get a good Communist education?"
"Certainly."
"Then why do you want to leave Russia?"
"I don't like the post being delivered at three in the morning."
The Customer

Seen at Fleegleman's Kosher Deli:  "The customer is always right; misinformed maybe -- perhaps impolite, stobborn, and irate, even dumb, ...

but never wrong!"

The Civil Servant

A civil servant is badly hurt falling down the stairs of the Ministry of Absorption in Jerusalem.  He is taken to Hadassah hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.

Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him:

"My friend, I have bad news and I have good news.  First of all, you'll never be able to work again..."

"Nu,"muttered the injured bureaucrat.  "What's the bad news?"

Chinese Food
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish Women like Chinese food so much.  The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
Jewish Telegram:
"Begin worrying. Details to follow."
Questions and Answers
Q: Hear about the enterprising rabbi that's offering circumcision via the Internet?
A: The service is called E-MOIL.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? 
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Time to get Married

A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a  wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is  Shooting Star."

"How nice,"says his mother.

"I have an Indian name too,"he says. "It's Running Deer"and I want you to call me that from now on."

"How nice,"says his mother.

"You should have an Indian name too, Mom,"he says.

"I already do,"says the mother. "You can call me Sitting Shiva."

Jewish - Mexican Restaurant
So Moish and Marco get into business together.  They opened up a restaurant in Jerusalem.  Both included their influences into everything from the food to the decorations, and naturally both wanted to contribute a word to the name of the establishment.

"Moish and Marco"sounded too strange, and they wanted to attract the crowds of American tourists.

So they settled on "Casa Hadassah."

Internet Genesis
An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot."

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.  And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as thoug! h she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price.  And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS.)" Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.  And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are,"and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!," said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.  And that is how it all began.

 

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