harry Leichter Jewish Humor
Jewish Humor 45
Chandelier G-d Forbid
To Save a Life Chinese Food
Last Thoughts The German Navy
Creation of Mothers Forgive and Forget
A Dog Named Irving The National Costume
Economic Recession Chopped Liver Sandwich
I'm Tired and Thirsty Boycott of Jewish Products
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
 
Creation of Mothers
While G-d was creating mothers, He was well into his tenth day of overtime. 

Then an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one!"

And G-d said, "Have you read the specifications of this order?  She has to be completely washable, but not plastic...
Have 180 movable parts, all replaceable...
Run on black coffee and leftovers...
Have a lap that disappears when she stands up...
And a kiss that can cure anything from a broken finger...
To a disappointed love affair...
Plus she has to have six pairs of hands!"

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands!?  Not possible!"

"Oh, its not the hands that are causing Me the problem," said G-d.
"It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."

"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.

G-d nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' --- when she already knows...
Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't, --- but what she has to know...
And of course, the ones here in front that can look at a child and reflect, --- 'I understand, and I love you' without so much as saying a word."

"Lord," said the angel touching His sleeve gently, "Get some rest.  Finish this tomorrow."

"I can't," answered G-d.  "I'm so close to creating something so close to Myself.  Already I have one that heals herself when she's sick...
Can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...
And can get a nine-year-old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of the mother very slowly and sighed, "But it's too soft!"

"And yet she's tough!" said G-d excitedly.  "You cannot imagine what the mother can handle or do!"

Finally the angel bent over and ran her fingers across the mother's cheek.
"There's a leak!" she pronounced.  "I told You, You were trying to put too much in this model!  You can't ignore the stress factor."

G-d moved in closer for a look and gently lifted the drop of moisture to His finger where it glistened and sparkled in the light.  "It's not a leak," He said.  "It's a tear."

"A tear?" asked the angel.  "What's it for?"
"It's for Joy, Sadness, Disappointment, Compassion, Pain, Loneliness, and a Mother's Pride."

And the angel exclaimed, "You're a genius!"
G-d looked somber and replied, "I didn't put it there."

Chinese Food
A Hebrew teacher stood in  front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year  as a people.  Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their  4,692nd year as a people.  

Now what does it mean to you?"After a moment of  silence, a chubby student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said. "What  does it mean?

""Well," David replied "It means that the Jews had to go without  Chinese food for 1,067 years."

G-d Forbid
A Jew converts and becomes a priest. He celebrates his first mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the service, the bishop steps up to congratulate him.  

Father Ginsberg," he said, "that was very well done, you were just perfect. 

But I have one suggestion. I think it would be better if you didn't start your sermon with, 'Fellow goyim.'" 

The German Navy

Yenkel and Goldfarb decide to join the German navy.  They wait patiently in line until one of them reaches the interviewing officer, whose first question is:  "Can you swim?"

"You see!" says Goldfarb to Yenkel.  "I knew they didn't have ships!"

Economic Recession

Marty Barris, talented trumpeter-funnyman, made this astute observation about an economic recession:

"The price of food is going out of sight.  My supermarket is turning into a temple.  I see people walking up and down the ailes shouting, 'Oh, my God!'"

Boycott of Jewish Products

The wonderful comic, Sam Levinson, had a great answer to anti-Semites.

"It's a free world and you don't have to like Jews, but  if you DON'T, I suggest that you boycott certain Jewish products, like .....
 The Wasserman Test for syphilis,
 Digitalis, discovered by Doctor Nuslin,
 Insulin, discovered by Doctor Minofsky,
 Chloral Hydrate, discovered by Doctor Lifreich,
 The Schick Test for Diphtheria,
 Vitamins, discovered by Doctor Funk,
 Streptomycin, discovered by Doctor Woronan,
 The Polio Pill by Doctor Sabin, and the Polio Vaccine
by Doctor Jonas Salk. 

Go on, boycott!
Humanitarian consistency requires that my people offer
 all these gifts to all people of the world.
 Fanatic consistency requires that all bigots accept
 Syphilis,
 Diabetes,
 Convulsions,
 Malnutrition,
 Polio and Tuberculosis as a matter of principal.

You want to be mad at us? Be mad at us!
 But I'm telling you, you ain't going to feel so good

Last Thoughts
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi die in a car crash. They go to heaven for orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregates are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?" The minister says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." The priest says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." The rabbi replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
To Save a Life
A Russian Jew fell off the river bank into the water.  Since he could not swim, he was in danger of drowning. 

Two Tsarist policemen heard cries for help and rushed to the river bank. But when they saw that it was a Jew, they laughed at him and began to walk off.

"Help, I can't swim," shouted the Jew.

"Then drown," one replied.

Suddenly the Jew shouts with his last breath:  "Down with the Tsar!"

The policemen immediately rushed into the water, pulled the Jew on to the bank, and arrested him for sedition.

A Dog Named Irving

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. Now he can't wait to show him off to his neighbor. So, a couple of weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging  about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running  and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. 

  The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!"  Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey... This constant wagging of the  tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it...it's too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. 

Dreck I say! Then you push me  out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the  last time you took me for a nice long walk?  Must be over a year ago!" 

The neighbor is absolutely amazed... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us." "I know, I know." says the dog owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet. 

He thought I said, 'Kvetch'." 

The National Costume

Nine-year-old Rachel came home from school and said, "Daddy, I need a national costume.  They told us to come to the ball on Sunday in our national costumes."

"Listen to that!" cried her father.  "She's not even ten, and already she wants a mink coat!"

Forgive and Forget
There is an ancient Jewish proverb that says that "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."
Chandelier

Old Rabbi Wolfson had begged his board of directors to buy a new chandelier for the synagogue.

Pleading for more than an hour, he sat down, sullen and hopeless in his ambition.

Then the past president of the board stood up.  "What're we wasting time talkin'?" he said rhetorically.  "Foist of all, a chandelier, ... we ain't got nobody who could even spell it.  Second, we ain't got nobody who could even play it.  And third, what we need in the shul is more light!"

I'm Tired and Thirsty
    The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine." 
    The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila." 
    The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch." 
    The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit." 
    The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake." 
    The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka." 
    The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer." 
    The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo." 
    The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes." 
Chopped Liver Sandwich
"Excuse me," Nissbaum said to the cashier at David's Deli, as he examined the check, "what's this eight bucks for?"
"For the chopped liver sandwich, sir."
"Really?" said the startled customer. "Whose liver was it, Rockefeller's?"
 
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