|To Save a Life||Chinese Food|
|Last Thoughts||The German Navy|
|Creation of Mothers||Forgive and Forget|
|A Dog Named Irving||The National Costume|
|Economic Recession||Chopped Liver Sandwich|
|I'm Tired and Thirsty||Boycott of Jewish Products|
|Creation of Mothers|
G-d was creating mothers, He was well into his tenth day of overtime.
Then an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one!"
G-d said, "Have you read the
specifications of this order? She has to
be completely washable, but not plastic...
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands!? Not possible!"
"Oh, its not the hands that are
causing Me the problem," said G-d.
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are
you kids doing in there?' --- when she already
"Lord," said the angel touching His sleeve gently, "Get some rest. Finish this tomorrow."
"I can't," answered G-d. "I'm
so close to creating something so close to Myself. Already
I have one that heals herself when she's sick...
The angel circled the model of the mother very slowly and sighed, "But it's too soft!"
"And yet she's tough!" said G-d excitedly. "You cannot imagine what the mother can handle or do!"
Finally the angel bent over and
ran her fingers across the mother's cheek.
G-d moved in closer for a look and gently lifted the drop of moisture to His finger where it glistened and sparkled in the light. "It's not a leak," He said. "It's a tear."
"A tear?" asked the angel. "What's
the angel exclaimed, "You're
Hebrew teacher stood in front
of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th
year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example,
have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people.
Now what does it mean to you?"After a moment of silence, a chubby student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said. "What does it mean?
""Well," David replied "It means that the Jews had to go without Chinese food for 1,067 years."
Jew converts and becomes a priest. He celebrates his first mass in
front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion.
At the end of the service, the bishop steps up to congratulate him.
Father Ginsberg," he said, "that was very well done, you were just perfect.
But I have one suggestion. I think it would be better if you didn't start your sermon with, 'Fellow goyim.'"
|The German Navy|
Yenkel and Goldfarb decide to join the German navy. They wait patiently in line until one of them reaches the interviewing officer, whose first question is: "Can you swim?"
"You see!" says Goldfarb to Yenkel. "I knew they didn't have ships!"
Marty Barris, talented trumpeter-funnyman, made this astute observation about an economic recession:
"The price of food is going out of sight. My supermarket is turning into a temple. I see people walking up and down the ailes shouting, 'Oh, my God!'"
|Boycott of Jewish Products|
The wonderful comic, Sam Levinson, had a great answer to anti-Semites.
"It's a free world and you don't have
to like Jews, but if you DON'T, I suggest that you boycott
certain Jewish products, like .....
Go on, boycott!
You want to be mad at us? Be mad at us!
|A minister, a priest, and a rabbi die in a car crash. They go to heaven for orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregates are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?" The minister says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." The priest says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." The rabbi replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"|
|To Save a Life|
Russian Jew fell off the river bank into the water. Since he
could not swim, he was in danger of drowning.
Two Tsarist policemen heard cries for help and rushed to the river bank. But when they saw that it was a Jew, they laughed at him and began to walk off.
"Help, I can't swim," shouted the Jew.
"Then drown," one replied.
Suddenly the Jew shouts with his last breath: "Down with the Tsar!"
The policemen immediately rushed into the water, pulled the Jew on to the bank, and arrested him for sedition.
|A Dog Named Irving|
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. Now he can't wait to show him off to his neighbor. So, a couple of weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!" Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey... This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it...it's too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it.
Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? Must be over a year ago!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us." "I know, I know." says the dog owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet.
He thought I said, 'Kvetch'."
|The National Costume|
Nine-year-old Rachel came home from school and said, "Daddy, I need a national costume. They told us to come to the ball on Sunday in our national costumes."
"Listen to that!" cried her father. "She's not even ten, and already she wants a mink coat!"
|Forgive and Forget|
|There is an ancient Jewish proverb that says that "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."|
Old Rabbi Wolfson had begged his board of directors to buy a new chandelier for the synagogue.
Pleading for more than an hour, he sat down, sullen and hopeless in his ambition.
Then the past president of the board stood up. "What're we wasting time talkin'?" he said rhetorically. "Foist of all, a chandelier, ... we ain't got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain't got nobody who could even play it. And third, what we need in the shul is more light!"
|I'm Tired and Thirsty|
| The Italian says, "I'm
tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch."
The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
|Chopped Liver Sandwich|
|"Excuse me," Nissbaum said to the cashier
at David's Deli, as he examined the check, "what's this eight bucks
"For the chopped liver sandwich, sir."
"Really?" said the startled customer. "Whose liver was it, Rockefeller's?"
Israeli History in a Nutshell
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Jewish Communities of the World