|Mona Lisa||Hotel Guest|
|Jealous Wife||Hispanic Jew|
|Arithmetic Class||Crabby People|
|Kosher Computer||If Microsoft Was Jewish|
|Small Town Justice||Interview at a Radio Station|
|Second Avenue Deli||If Walt Disney had a Jewish Mother|
|Small Town Justice|
| A Jewish woman in a small town out west
sued her husband for divorce. He had left her and refused to pay any
kind of support for her, she claimed.
The case was presented to the local judge by a Jewish attorney who concluded his petition in the following way: "Your Honor, this good-for-nothing husband is a most undesirable citizen. He drinks like Lot, sins like Haman, and curses like Balaam."
"The divorce is granted," said the judge, "and as for this man's dangerous associates, if they're ever brought into this cortroom, I will personally see to it that they are punished accordingly."
| Hava Bromfeld was hanging up her husband's
jacket when suddenly she became
furious. Hava had spotted a long grey hair on the shoulder.
"I see," she screeched like a hawk on the coup-de-grace, "you were at your mother's to get sympathy again!"
Q: What do you call a Mexican Jew?
A: Oy of Ole'.
| Going to the front desk of New York's
exclusive Pierre Hotel, Mr. Mendelbaum requested some stationery.
The clerk asked, "Are you a guest at the hotel?"
Mr. Mendelbaum snapped indignantly, "No, I am not a guest. I am paying $300 a day!"
|If Microsoft Was Jewish...|
young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a rabbi, if they could discuss
his use of the family car. His father took him into his study
and said: "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study
your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Rambam had long hair and even Noah had long hair."
The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."
| While in Israel I found a great buy
on a computer. It is a kosher computer, called a
DELLSHALOM. It was selling at such a good price that...well...
Mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:
|If Walt Disney had a Jewish Mother|
| Just imagine .... what would the world
have been like had Walt Disney been raised by a Jewish mother?
Here's what he might have heard a lot of ...
" With the mouse; with the duck; now with dwarfs... Walt, Why don't you become a CPA like your cousin Bernie?"
|Second Avenue Deli|
| Max Greenburg was at his favorite eatery,
the Second Avenue Deli, when he called over the waiter.
" Yes?" asked the busy waiter.
" Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?" asked Max.
" Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.
Riposted the customer, "Because I was expecting a much older man by now."
Treiff-seeker: "Do you serve crabs here?"
Kosher-Deli-waiter: "We serve anyone, sit down!"
|If Mona Lisa's Mother were Jewish, she'd have said: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"|
|Interview at a Radio Station|
Goldstein finished his college education and decided his future was
in radio broadcasting. After college he graduated from Yale's famous
master's program in Performing Arts. Not satisfied he took further
training at the famous New York Academy of Public
With all his degrees in hand Morris got his first interview for a radio announcer's job at WKWK Radio in Manhattan. That night Morris sadly admitted to his friend Jerry that he was turned down on his first interview for a radio announcer's job. Friend Jerry said. "But why Morris, you have all the education and degrees?"
said with great sadness, "B-b-bec-c-caus-se t-t-hey-y a-a-ar-re
Mrs. Goldman, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-third is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, one eighth to his secretary; and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Morris answered, ... "A good lawyer!"
| Morty and Saul are out one afternoon
on a lake when their boat starts to sink.
Saul the banker says to Morty the entrepreneur, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."
Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.
Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
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