harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 46
Driving Two Float
Mona Lisa Hotel Guest
Jealous Wife Hispanic Jew
Arithmetic Class Crabby People
Kosher Computer If Microsoft Was Jewish
Small Town Justice Interview at a Radio Station
Second Avenue Deli If Walt Disney had a Jewish Mother

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Small Town Justice
A Jewish woman in a small town out west sued her husband for divorce. He had left her and refused to pay any kind of support for her, she claimed.

The case was presented to the local judge by a Jewish attorney who concluded his petition in the following way: "Your Honor, this good-for-nothing husband is a most undesirable citizen. He drinks like Lot, sins like Haman, and curses like Balaam."

"The divorce is granted," said the judge, "and as for this man's dangerous associates, if they're ever brought  into this cortroom, I will personally see to it that they are punished accordingly."

Jealous Wife
Hava Bromfeld was hanging up her husband's jacket when suddenly she became furious. Hava had spotted a long grey hair on the shoulder.

"I see," she screeched like a hawk on the coup-de-grace, "you were at your mother's to get sympathy again!"

Hispanic Jew

Q: What do you call a Mexican Jew?

A: Oy of Ole'.

Hotel Guest
Going to the front desk of New York's exclusive Pierre Hotel, Mr. Mendelbaum requested some stationery.

The clerk asked, "Are you a guest at the hotel?"

Mr. Mendelbaum snapped indignantly, "No, I am not a guest. I am paying $300 a day!"

If Microsoft Was Jewish...
  • Instead of getting a "general protection fault" error, your PC would get "verklempt." 
  • "Year 2000" issues are replace by "year 5760-5761" issues. 
  • Hanukkah screen savers will have "flying dreidels."
  • Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. 
  • After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 48 hours. 
  • Your "start" button would be replaced with a "let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button. 
  • "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - you're killing me. You vant I should try again? I didn't hear that!" 
  • When disconnecting external devices from the back of the PC, you would be instructed to "remove the cable from the PC's tucas." 
  • Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
  • You would hear the tune "Halva Nagila" during startup. 
  • When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message. 
  • When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "OY!" 
Driving
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who  was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father  took him into his study and said: "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if  they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Rambam had long hair and even Noah had long hair."

 The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."

Kosher Computer
While in Israel I found a great buy on a computer. It is a kosher computer, called a DELLSHALOM. It was selling at such a good price that...well...

Mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

  • The cursor moves from right to left.
  • It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.
  • Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets a "Ferklempt" error.
  • The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels". The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
  • After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
  • The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
  • When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
  • The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
  • Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
  • I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
  • Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
  • When running "scandisk," it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
  • When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
  • There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmaltz und drek" on your monitor.
  • After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schlaffen."
  • Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.
  • The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
  • If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears "You should be ashamed of yourself."
  • When Spellcheck finds an error it prompts "Is this the best you can do?"
And so it goes...Oy!
If Walt Disney had a Jewish Mother
Just imagine .... what would the world have been like had Walt Disney been raised by a Jewish mother?
Here's what he might have heard a lot of ...
" With the mouse; with the duck; now with dwarfs... Walt, Why don't you become a CPA like your cousin Bernie?"
Second Avenue Deli
Max Greenburg was at his favorite eatery, the Second Avenue Deli, when he called over the waiter.
" Yes?" asked the busy waiter.
" Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?" asked Max.
" Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.
Riposted the customer, "Because I was expecting a much older man by now."
Crabby People

Treiff-seeker: "Do you serve crabs here?"

Kosher-Deli-waiter: "We serve anyone, sit down!"

Mona Lisa
If Mona Lisa's Mother were Jewish, she'd have said: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces,  that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
Interview at a Radio Station
Morris Goldstein finished his college education and decided his future was in radio broadcasting. After college he graduated from Yale's famous master's program in Performing Arts. Not satisfied he took further training at the famous New York Academy of  Public Speaking.

With all his degrees in hand Morris got his first interview for a radio announcer's job at WKWK Radio in Manhattan. That night Morris sadly admitted to his friend Jerry that he was turned down on his first interview for a radio announcer's job. Friend Jerry said. "But why Morris, you have all the education and degrees?"

Morris said with great sadness, "B-b-bec-c-caus-se t-t-hey-y a-a-ar-re
a-aa-an-n-nt-ti ss-sse-m-m-met-tic aa-at w-k-k-w-w-k-k-k ! "

Arithmetic Class

Mrs. Goldman, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-third is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, one eighth to his secretary; and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"  After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Morris answered, ... "A good lawyer!"

Two Float
Morty and Saul are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts to sink.
Saul the banker says to Morty the entrepreneur, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."
Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.
Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
 

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