The case was presented to the local judge by a Jewish attorney who concluded his petition in the following way: "Your Honor, this good-for-nothing husband is a most undesirable citizen. He drinks like Lot, sins like Haman, and curses like Balaam."

"The divorce is granted," said the judge, "and as for this man's dangerous associates, if they're ever brought  into this cortroom, I will personally see to it that they are punished accordingly."

"I see," she screeched like a hawk on the coup-de-grace, "you were at your mother's to get sympathy again!"

Q: What do you call a Mexican Jew?

A: Oy of Ole'.

The clerk asked, "Are you a guest at the hotel?"

Mr. Mendelbaum snapped indignantly, "No, I am not a guest. I am paying $300 a day!"

• Instead of getting a "general protection fault" error, your PC would get "verklempt." 
• "Year 2000" issues are replace by "year 5760-5761" issues. 
• Hanukkah screen savers will have "flying dreidels."
• Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. 
• After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 48 hours. 
• Your "start" button would be replaced with a "let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button. 
• "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - you're killing me. You vant I should try again? I didn't hear that!" 
• When disconnecting external devices from the back of the PC, you would be instructed to "remove the cable from the PC's tucas." 
• Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
• You would hear the tune "Halva Nagila" during startup. 
• When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message. 
• When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "OY!" 

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if  they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Rambam had long hair and even Noah had long hair."

 The rabbi said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."

Mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

• The cursor moves from right to left.
• It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.
• Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, my PC now gets a "Ferklempt" error.
• The Chanukah screen savers include "Flying Dreidels". The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
• After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
• The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
• When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
• The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
• Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
• I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
• Microsoft Office now includes "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that."
• When running "scandisk," it prompts with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
• When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
• There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the "schmaltz und drek" on your monitor.
• After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schlaffen."
• Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.
• The Y2K problem has been replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
• If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears "You should be ashamed of yourself."
• When Spellcheck finds an error it prompts "Is this the best you can do?"

Treiff-seeker: "Do you serve crabs here?"

Kosher-Deli-waiter: "We serve anyone, sit down!"

With all his degrees in hand Morris got his first interview for a radio announcer's job at WKWK Radio in Manhattan. That night Morris sadly admitted to his friend Jerry that he was turned down on his first interview for a radio announcer's job. Friend Jerry said. "But why Morris, you have all the education and degrees?"

Morris said with great sadness, "B-b-bec-c-caus-se t-t-hey-y a-a-ar-re
a-aa-an-n-nt-ti ss-sse-m-m-met-tic aa-at w-k-k-w-w-k-k-k ! "

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-third is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, one eighth to his secretary; and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"  After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Morris answered, ... "A good lawyer!"