Jewish Humor 49
| Absent-minded Rabbi |
| The Rabbi in my son's Talmud class at Yeshiva
was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up.
He would call on a student for translation and explanation, and -- without realizing it -- he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the students wouldn't point this out to him. After being called on four days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends. The next day when the rabbi said "Goldberg, translate and explain." Goldberg replied, "Goldberg is absent today." "All right," said the rabbi. "You translate and explain." |
| Chanukah "To Do" List: |
|
| Pray to G-d for Help Not Hurt |
| The habit of asking God to prevent calamaties is a hard one to break. Thus, it came about that one Jewish businessman, driven to distraction by the devious practices of another, finally shouted at him, "You should only drop dead - God forbid." |
| Green Veggies |
| A
gentile once wandered into a Jewish restaurant and ordered roast chicken. It arrived complete with potatoes and
a few sundries, and the diner looked at it without much favor. He said
to the waiter, "Don't I get a green vegetable?"
And the waiter said, "And what color is the pickle? Purple?" |
| No Latkes |
| It was Chanukah and the Tiny Village was in fear
of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour.
Rudy, the Rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem. He said, "Don't worry. You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!" Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Morty...you think it'll work?" "Of course! As everybody knows ... Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!" |
| Chanukah Present |
| A devout Sephardi of Salonika
Wished for a Christmas harmonica; But his wife, to annoy him, Said "That's for the goyim." So he got a Jew's Harp for Chanukah. |
| Morris the Contractor |
| Morris a building contractor was being paid by
the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached
the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.
" This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," Morris said. "I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained." Morris said impatiently.... "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention." |
| To Overplay an Hand in Marriage |
| Commenting on the subject of opportunity, Benjamin Disraeli once said, "Next to knowing when to seize an opportunity, the next important thing in life is to know when to forego an advantage."
And that, in short, is the secret to a happy marriage. |
| A Sign in a Window |
| In Philadelphia the following sign was in the window of a business:
"We would rather do business with 1000 terrorists than with a single Jew." Ordinarily this might be cause to get the anti-Hate groups involved but perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors, Goldstein's Funeral Home, simply make their statement. |
| Jewish American Princess |
| Q: Did you hear about the JAP who had plastic surgery? A: Her husband cut up her credit cards. |
| The Country Club |
| Shloyme Silberstein has become rich and wants to show off. So he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive
golf club with his new Cadillac. But unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. So the driver wants to return, but not Shloyme!
Shloyme says: "Wait here for me." His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign, they will kick you out immediately!" Shloyme : "But I don't have to tell them I am Jewish." And he leaves for the gate. So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours... Indeed, finally after three and a half hours Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen. The driver asks: "What happened?" Shloyme answers: "Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what shall I do now?' And then the waters separated and everybody knew..." |
| Star Trek |
| The
Saudi Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished giving a speech, and walks
out into the lobby where he meets his American counterpart.
They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America". The American says, "Well, your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I will do." The Saudi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." The American laughs and leans over. "That's because it takes place in the future." |
| Jewish Cooking |
Latkes
Matzoh
Kasha
Varnishkes
Blintzes
Kishka
Kreplach
Cholent
Gefilte Fish
Bagels
|
| Unorthodox Chanukah Test |
| 1. Chanukah is known as a. The Festival of Lights2. The heroes of the holiday of Chanukah lived in a. Ancient Palestine3. The Jews of the time of the first Chanukah worshipped a. At the Holy Temple in Jerusalem4. Suddenly, a new, cruel leader (what else is new?) came to power in Syria, whose name was a. Hafiz al-Assad 5. This evil leader abruptly commanded the Jews of his kingdom to a. Eat pig 6. There arose a brave elder among the Jewish people who helped to lead a revolt against the Syrians, whose name was a. Mattathias7. Mattityahu (what a relief-that's the answer to # 6) had sons by the names of a. Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo and Gummo8. The last name of this glorious family was a. Marx (see #7a) |
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