harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 49
No Latkes Star Trek
Green Veggies Chanukah Present
Jewish Cooking A Sign in a Window
The Country Club Morris the Contractor
Absent-Minded Rabbi Chanukah "To Do" List
Jewish American Princess Unorthodox Chanukah Test
Pray to G-d for Help Not Hurt To Overplay an Hand in Marriage

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Absent-minded Rabbi
The Rabbi in my son's Talmud class at Yeshiva was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up.

He would call on a student for translation and  explanation, and -- without realizing it -- he often chose the same student day after day. Out of respect, the students wouldn't point this out to him. After being called on four days in a row, a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends. The next day when the rabbi said "Goldberg, translate and explain." Goldberg replied, "Goldberg is absent today."

"All right," said the rabbi. "You translate and explain."

Chanukah "To Do" List:
  • Make candles for menorah.
  • Make gelt with antique candy molds and gold leaf.
  • Pick apples from orchard and make applesauce for latkes.
  • Carve dreidels out of pine trees in front yard.
  • Decorate table with individual braided challah.
  • Make gifts:  Rinse a Manischevitz bottle and remove lable.....
  • Aren't you glad Martha Stewart isn't Jewish?
Pray to G-d for Help Not Hurt
The habit of asking God to prevent calamaties is a hard one to break. Thus, it came about that one Jewish businessman, driven to distraction by the devious practices of another, finally shouted at him, "You should only drop dead - God forbid."
Green Veggies
A gentile once wandered into a Jewish restaurant and ordered roast chicken.  It arrived complete with potatoes and a few sundries, and the diner looked at it without much favor. He said to the waiter, "Don't I get a green vegetable?"

And the waiter said, "And what color is the pickle? Purple?"

No Latkes
It was Chanukah and the Tiny Village was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour.
Rudy, the Rabbi, was called upon to help solve the problem.  He said, "Don't worry. You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!"
Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Morty...you think it'll work?"

"Of course! As everybody knows ... Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!"

Chanukah Present
A devout Sephardi of Salonika
Wished for a Christmas harmonica;
   But his wife, to annoy him,
   Said "That's for the goyim."
So he got a Jew's Harp for Chanukah.
Morris the Contractor
Morris a building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.
" This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," Morris said.
"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
Morris said impatiently.... "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."
To Overplay an Hand in Marriage
Commenting on the subject of opportunity, Benjamin Disraeli once said, "Next to knowing when to seize an opportunity, the next important thing in life is to know when to forego an advantage."

And that, in short, is the secret to a happy marriage.

A Sign in a Window
In Philadelphia the following sign was in the window of a business: 

"We would rather do business with 1000 terrorists than with a single Jew." 

Ordinarily this might be cause to get the anti-Hate groups involved but perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors, Goldstein's Funeral Home, simply make their statement. 

Jewish American Princess
Q: Did you hear about the JAP who had plastic surgery?
A: Her husband cut up her credit cards.
The Country Club
Shloyme Silberstein has become rich and wants to show off. So he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac. But unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. So the driver wants to return, but not Shloyme!

Shloyme says: "Wait here for me." His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign, they will kick you out immediately!"  Shloyme : "But I don't have to tell them I am Jewish." And he leaves for the gate.  So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours... Indeed, finally after three and a half hours Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.  The driver asks: "What happened?"  Shloyme answers: "Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. 

I shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what shall I do now?' And then the waters separated and everybody knew..." 

Star Trek
The Saudi Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets his American counterpart. 

They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America".  The American says, "Well, your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I will do."  The Saudi whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset.  He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." 

The American laughs and leans over. "That's because it takes place in the future." 

Jewish Cooking

Latkes
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eaten with apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time. 

Matzoh
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix of flour and water -- no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you eat a few prunes soon after. 

Kasha Varnishkes 
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, God forbid, "An elbow on my table?" 

Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes over Poland -- shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the Jewish answer to crepe Suzette. 

Kishka
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it. In the old days they would take an intestine and stuff it. Today we use parchment paper or plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left. 

Kreplach
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooks it. 

Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes and bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher, of course) I once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried beans: "What? Do they serve leftover cholent here too?" I once tried something unusual for guests: I made cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back. 

Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it usually consists of small fish balls eaten with horseradish ("chrain"), which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces. 

Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel? Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa! They looked for something hard and almost indigestible that could take the spread of cream cheese and that doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis. 

Unorthodox Chanukah Test

1.  Chanukah is known as

a.  The Festival of Lights
b.  The Holiday of Rededication
c.  The Jewish Christmas
d.  The Yiddish Ramadan
2.  The heroes of the holiday of Chanukah lived in
a.  Ancient Palestine
b.  Ancient Israel
c.  The Occupied Territories
d.  The Liberated Territories
e.  A three floor walk-up in Brooklyn
3.  The Jews of the time of the first Chanukah worshipped
a.  At the Holy Temple in Jerusalem
b.  At a less holy temple about ten miles west of Jerusalem
c.  Wherever they could get High Holiday tickets
d.  All of the above...except b. and c.
4.  Suddenly, a new, cruel leader (what else is new?) came to power in
Syria, whose name was
a.  Hafiz al-Assad
b.  Yassir Arafat
c.  Antiochus
d.  Antisemite
e.  Antibody

5.  This evil leader abruptly commanded the Jews of his kingdom to

a.  Eat pig
b.  Eat at McDonald's
c.  Eat everything on their plates
d.  Become idol worshippers
e.  Collect Pokeman cards

6.  There arose a brave elder among the Jewish people who helped to lead a revolt against the Syrians, whose name was

a.  Mattathias
b.  Mattityahu
c.  Matthew
d.  Mendive the Poet
e.  Merwin
f.   Mud (His name would have been Mud had he lost)
7.  Mattityahu (what a relief-that's the answer to # 6) had sons by the names of
a.  Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo and Gummo
b.  Huey, Dewey and Louis
c.  Jacob, Joey, Jeremy and Christopher (his wife became less traditional as she grew older)
d.  dah, could be Leroy, Leroy. Leroy and Leroy
8.  The last name of this glorious family was
a.  Marx (see #7a)
b.  Duck (see #7b)
c.  Abu ben Amir (it wasn't easy to be a Jew in those days)
d.  Smythe (it's not easy today)
e.  Maccabee
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