harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 5
Mama
O'Reilly
Painting
Bar Mitzvah
Purim Torah
Perfect Rabbi
The Schlemiel
Shabbat Shalom
A Hebrew lesson
The 10 Suggestions
The Cohen Brothers
The Rabbi & Priest
Business is Business
Ritual Slaughter of the Latke
Jewish Laws of E-mail Postings
Adam, Eve and G-d
The Priest and Rabbi
Special Questionnaire
The Main Differences Between Orthodox, Conservative and Reform

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...  

 
Shabbat Shalom
Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930s.

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.  "Hello?"
 "Hello, is this KGB?"
 "Yes. What do you want?"
 "I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
 "This will be noted."
 Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

 "Hello, Yankel!
 Did the KGB come?"
 "Yes."
 "Did they chop your firewood?"
 "Yes, they did."
 "Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

Adam, Eve and G-d
It was Adam, Eve and G-d in heaven, so G-D decided to reproduce the human race.
He told Adam: Go and kiss Eve.
Adam: sorry, but, what is a kiss ?
G-D: i will explain, my son
So, G-D explained 10 minutes how to kiss.
Adam went and returned after 20 minutes so excited.
Adam: Done, what is next ?
G-D: go and hug Eve.
Adam: sorry, but, what is a hug ?
G-D: i will explain my son.
So, G-D explained 20 minutes different ways of hugs.
Adam went and returned after 30 minutes, more excited.
Adam: Done, what is next ?
G-D: go and make love to Eve.
Adam: sorry, but what is making love ?
G-D: i will explain my son.
So, G-D explained 40 minutes about making love.
Adam went and returned very dissapointed after 2 minutes.
G-D: what happened, my son ?
Adam: sorry, but what is a HEADACHE ?
Hilkhot Listserve (Jewish Laws of E-mail Postings)
Internet Torah:
And thou shall never repeat all that you heard just to concur or disagree, or my wrath will be severe unto the third generation, yea, my wrath shall be great.

Rashi: Kema shene'emar, 'all that you heard' - This means never quote an entire usenet newsgroup message, including headers. Rather, just add a few lines of your own. Rambam: It is a precept not to waste bandwidth.This teaches us the value of brevity.All those who know this, yet waste bandwidth despite this well known fact, are ignoramuses and are not to be trusted. R. Yosef Caro: One must quote the name and date, but must never quote the Internet transmission path, except on HoShannah Rabbah. One must always quote the relevant part of the message, and have it spaced five characters to the right. It is strictly forbidden to quote more than you write.It is strictly forbidden to write less than 60 character lines. Writing lines that are over 80 characters results in herem.

R. Moses Isserles' Mappah: One can be lenient on line character length if it is denoted as being an HTML file.It is well known that German Jews have the halakhically acceptable custom of never writing lines _under_ 80 characters in length, but other Ashkenazim should avoid this.

Perfect Rabbi
The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.

If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure.

One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.
The 10 Suggestions
. . .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he delivered them.
The Ten Suggestions

  1. I am the Lord thy G-d and thou shalt have not too many other G-ds besides me.
  2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class.
  3. Thou shalt not take the name of Lord thy G-d in vain without the express written consent of Lord thy G-d. The name "Lord thy G-d" is the sole property of Lord  thy G-d. Any use of the name of Lord thy G-d without the express written consent of Lord thy G-d is unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Lord thy G-d.
  4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.
  5. Honor thy single parent.
  6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.
  8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)
  9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing before Judge Wapner.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks, or his power tools.

“The Ten Suggestions” is taken from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew by David M. Bader (Avon Books), copyright 1994.

The Main Differences Between Orthodox, Conservative and Reform
What are the main differences between orthodox, conservative and reform???
At an orthodox wedding, the mother of the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is likely to be pregnant.
At a reform wedding, the rabbi is likely to be pregnant.
And at a reconstructionist wedding, the groom is likely to be pregnant.
A Hebrew lesson?
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the Rabbi, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something I need to know."
"What's that my child?" Asked the Rabbi.
"Well according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you are correct."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right too" agreed the Rabbi. "So what's your question?"
"What I need know is this" demanded Melvin. "What were all the grown-ups doing???
O'Reilly
A man is walking along a street in New York and sees a little tailor's shop called COHEN and O'REILLY.  He goes in and talks to the typical little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is that for once the Irish and he Jews, often at one another's throats, have come together like this...
The little Jewish man seems unmoved...
'You sopprized by dis!?' he asks....
'Well, yes' the man replies, still oozing enthusiasm...
'I mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop.
I mean, It's different! It's heartwarming!'
'Vell', says the little Jewish tailor...
'Here's annuder soprize for you...I'm O'Reilly!'
Painting
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the Rabbi of a local synagogue if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits. When they finished the job they called the Rabbi outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the Rabbi said and as he started to hand them the heck a small rain cloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the temple area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the synagogue the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more."
The Schlemiel
    Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here.  After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the loakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"
Business is Business
    A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."
    Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."
    Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
    Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"
    The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
The Priest and the Rabbi
    An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?
    The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."
    The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
The Cohen Brothers & Mr. Ford 
It was a sweltering August day when all three Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."

After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford."  "What!!!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!!"  "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents
all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool. "This is amazing !" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-Conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!" Ford, an infamous anti-semite, retorted "Money is no problem, but there is no way I will have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!"

They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' last name would be left off However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: 
NORM, HI and MAX.

Special Questionaire
*Respond Promptly*
As a special aid to our members we have enlisted the service of COMPU-SEAT, a computer firm specializing in High Holiday seating arrangements for synagogues.  In order for us to place you in a seat which will be best suitable for you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the Vaad HaMidabrim of our Shul as soon as possible.

1.  I wish to be placed in a seat next to someone who wishes to discuss the
    following topics:

[ ] stock market  [ ] my neighbors
[ ] my relatives [ ] N.Y. Giants
[ ] fashion news [ ] your relatives
[ ] general gossip [ ] the Rabbi
[ ] specific gossip [ ] the Cantor
(specify)____________________ [ ] the Rabbi's wife
[ ] the Cantors wife  

2.  I wish to be seated in a seat where:
        [ ] I can see my spouse over the mechitza
        [ ] I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
        [ ] My spouse cannot see me seeing my friend's spouse over the mechitza
        [ ] No one on the Bimah can see me talking during the services
        [ ] I can sleep during services*
        [ ] I can sleep during the Rabbi's sermon*
    (* Special reclining seats are available for additional charge)

3.  I wish to be located next to the following so that I may obtain free
    professional advice:
        [ ] lawyer                      [ ] accountant
        [ ] doctor                      [ ] stockbroker
        [ ] chiropractor             [ ] real estate agent

4.  Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: __________
    _____________________________________________________________________

5. If you want to inform your in-laws that no seats are available next to
   you, please check this box: [ ]

Name: ___________________________________  Phone: ______________

Mama
Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered.  They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
AVRAHAM, the first, said:  "I built a big house for our mother."
MOISHE, the second, said:  "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
DAVID, the youngest, said:  "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the bible.  Now she can't see very well.  I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible -- Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge.  I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel.  I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes.  And that driver has shpilkas  -- he's a pain in the tuchas.
But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS.
Bar Mitzvah
The Bar Mitzvah was being held in the Royal Box at the Fountainbleu Catering Hall in the Bronx. The room was decorated lavishly with beautiful flowers. The smorgasbord table was overflowing with hot and cold delicacies to tempt any appetite. Statues of ice, spewing forth pink punch, were at either end of the long table. Mr & Mrs Harry Teitlebaum arrive a little late. They surveyed the situation and were annoyed by the ostentation. They were civil rights workers and it bothered them to see so much money spent on so worthless a cause. But their cousin Bruce's Bar Mitzvah was a must or Mama Teitlebaum would never forgive them. As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the hostess greeted them warmly and gushed, "Isn't this a beautiful affair?" And pointing to a small round table topped witha life-sized sculpture of the Bar Mitzvah boy made of chopped liver, she asked, "And what do you think of the gorgeous statue of my Bruce?"
This was just too much for Harry Teitlebaum. In a voice dripping with sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal it. Who did it? Lipschitz or Epstein?"
"Lipschitz, of course, darling!" boasted the proud mama, "Epstein works only in halvah!"
Purim Torah
This is the Torah of Sushi Purim:
What is Sushi Purim, why do we observe it, and what are its laws and statutes?
In the Mackerilla, the Book of Oyster** , we read in Ch. 9 v. 18 that "the Jews who were in Sushi had assembled both on the 13th and 14th days of the month (of Adar), and rested on the 15th day, making that a day of feasting and joy."

**(from Yiddish, "oys" = "out" or "outside", and "ter" or "tir" = "door" -- a reference to Ch. 5 v. 1 where the Queen anxiously awaits the King outside the entrance to the court) Our sages understood this verse to mean that, just as they feasted "in Sushi", they also feasted "on Sushi". As Sushi was a walled city, those who live in a walled city must also feast on sushi on this day. What does it mean to feast on sushi? This means only kosher sushi, which may be either vegetable or fish sushi, either nigiri (on rice) or maki(roll), and either cooked or raw. Some poskim rule that sashimi (sliced rawfish) is also sushi for the purpose of the mitzvah. What is the minimum amount of sushi to constitute a feast? The majority decision is, at least 3 orders of nigiri and 2 of maki, per person. This assumes for a nigiri order, the chef makes 2 pieces; otherwise one orders six (some authorities say, only when Sushi Purim doesn't coincide with Shabbat, as the two pieces then correspond to the double portion of manna). The Rambam disagrees, stating that there must additionally be at least one portion (two pieces) of salmon roe, colored purple to recall the cloak of white linen and purple which Mordecai wore when he left the king's presence (Mackerillat Oyster, Ch. 8 v. 15). A lengthy explanation of this opinion, and related hilkhot, can be studied in the Rambam's famous work, "Guide for the Purple Eggs". We utterly reject the assertion of some Xtian commentators that the title of this latter work actually refers to the Xtian holiday of Oyster; (see "The April Dilemma"). The holiday of Oyster has a different derivation. It takes its name from the pots of dye used by children to color the Oyster eggs. If the dye was not thoroughly mixed, the eggs would emerge streaked, thus the cry of the mothers, "Oy! Stir that pot, will you?" which was eventually shortened to Oystir, or Oyster.Most authorities agree that the sushi seudah is invalid without the requisite minimum k'zayis of wasabi (blindingly hot green horseradish).

However, we are cautioned not to say a b'rachah on the wasabi, as one must not say a b'rachah over substances which place one's health in jeopardy.Each person who participates fully in the sushi seudah, including the required amount of wasabi, should also say Birkat HaGomel at the earliest opportunity.
--
Oyster Ha Malka
The SushiQueen

The Rabbi and the Priest
 An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young rabbi which read: "Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON'T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

 
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