Jewish Humor 50
| Piggy Bank |
| Piggy Bank: A Kosher Paradox |
| Oy, its a crime |
| In a little seen item in the Jerusalem News, there was a major theft of a warehouse loaded with egg enriched dough. Unfortunately, this has happened right before the upcoming Sabbath. This will force all of the bakeries to bake their Sabbath challahs with plain, white flour. Leading rabbis were quoted as saying that they are appalled by the rise in "white challah crimes." |
| MINYASTICS |
| n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan. |
| Cultivate |
| Yaakov Modechai
was taking an oral exam applying for his citizenship papers. Yaakov was asked to spell "Cultivate" - he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence. He thought about it for a moment and then said, "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for de bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home." |
| Chutzpah |
| Chutzpah is going to the psychiatrist because of a split personality, and asking for a group rate. |
| Where are you Going |
| Harry and Moish are sitting in their
regular spot out in Limbo... waiting, like all other Jewish souls,
to be judged.
Harry asks Moish what's on his mind, and Moish replies, "Well, it occurrs to me that a man's life basically consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same; and at the end, the mourners wonder, too." "Yeah," said Harry. "I know what you mean. But why do you look so startled?" "Because," retorts Moish, "here we are in Limbo, and I'm starting to ask myself where I'm going." |
| Mistaken Identity |
|
Harvey and Gaby Gold spent twenty years trying to suppress their Jewish upbringing and fit in to their WASPish suburban Connecticut home. But something was always difficult to overcome ... the grandmother living in a quiet corner of the house. One morning at breakfast, Harvey turns to his wife and says, "Gaby, listen to me. I don't want to sound cruel, but your mother has been living with us for twenty years now. Don't you think it's about time she got a place of her own?" Gaby, eating her breakfast, dropped her utensils in shock. "My mother? I thought she was your mother!" |
| Matchmaking |
| A
shadken goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange
a marriage for your son."
The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter." "Well, in that case..." Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..." Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...." |
| Question about Questions |
| Q: Why are four questions asked on Passover
and no questions on Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanah? A: Because to see a Jew upset and moan is not unusual and raises no questions, but to see a Jew happy -- that demands an explanation. |
| A Certain Future |
| Old
Max Shapiro confided in his shrink, "Doc,
I'm very worried about my future. What's going to happen to me? Can
you help me with all this anxiety?"
"Sure, I can help, Max," the psychiatrist said. "Visit me twice a week for $100 a visit. And pay in advance, of course." "Okay, Doc," Max said, "and now that your future is assured, what about mine?" |
| Outspoken |
| Moish
asked Smuel, "Was your wife outspoken?" Smuel said, "Not by anyone I know of." Dedicated to Harriet |
| Noah's Bees |
| Q: Where did Noah keep the bees? A: In the arkives. |
| A Birthday Present |
| A
middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate
her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would
you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Morris, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much." |
| Dining Out |
| Shoshana had not
seen her Milwaukee relatives in years, so she was terribly excited
when her Aunt Minnie and Uncle Abe came to visit her in New York.
To celebrate the reunion, she took them to an old-fashioned Jewish
restaurant on the lower east side. " I'll have the kreplach," Shoshana told the waiter. " The kreplach is from last night," explained the waiter. "Better you should order something fresh-made -- like stuffed peppers." "All right, let it be stuffed peppers." The waiter turns to Aunt Minnie. "And you?" "Bring please the pot roast." "Look, lady, the pot roast is strictly for goyim. You want somethin' special, try the flanken." "All right then, so bring the flanken." Uncle Abe studied the menu carefully then said, "Waiter, I can't make up my mind. What do you suggest?" "Suggest!" cried the waiter. "On a busy night like this who has time for suggestions?" |
| Snippy Rabbi |
| A Rabbi who was
late for a golf game was rather curt with several people whose phone
calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday." At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly. "Who was that?" asked the Rabbi. "Oh, that was Mr. Frankelblum." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son." |
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