harry leichter's jewish humor

Jewish Humor 52
The Exam Horse Race The Boarder Our Waiter My Son
  A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine How do Jews actually practice their Religion
  A Kosher Millionaire Jewish Mothers and Psychiatrists
  Bar Mitzvah Definition Jewish Weddings
  Chanukah Blanka Kol Nidre
  Don't Marry a Shiksa Morty and Saul
  Farshtayn Yiddish News Flash - Middle East

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
News Flash - Middle East
U. N. officials have hailed Yasser Arafat's decision to convert to Judaism as a major step in bringing peace to the Middle East.  In Israel, government offices were swamped beyond capacity by applicants volunteering to be the moyel.
Jewish Weddings 
You are at a Wedding and you want To know what type of Synagogue you are in.

Here's How To Tell:
At A Chassidic Synagogue, The Mother-in-law Is Pregnant
At A Conservative Synagogue, The Bride Is Pregnant
At A Reform Synagogue, The Rabbi Is Pregnant

Our Waiter
  During the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe. 

 A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.   The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" 

 The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English." 

Don't Marry a Shiksa
A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a "shiksa." 
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." 
" It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems." 
After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. 
" It's Shabbos," the son replied. 
The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. 
It's our busiest day." "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos." 
  "See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems."
The Exam
Saul Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying For His Citizenship 
Papers. He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate" - He Spelled It Correctly. 
He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence. 
He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A Very Cold Day, I 
Vas Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I Took The Subvay Home." 
My Son
  The story is told of 4 older Jewish ladies who enjoyed getting together in each others' homes. 

 "My son," says Mrs. Levi, "is a Physicist and heads up a department at the University. Her friends nodded approvingly.   "My son," says Mrs. Greenberg, "is a Doctor and is Chief of Surgery at Mt. Sinai Hospital."  You must be so proud, they said.   "My son," says Mrs. Goldblatt, "is the head of a law firm and president of the bar association."  Again, nods all around. 

 "My son," says Mrs. Cohen, "is a Rabbi."
 "A Rabbi?!" they exclaim, "What kind of career is that for a Jewish boy?" 

Morty and Saul 
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. 

 Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."   Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul,  "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" 

 Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!" 

The Boarder
" Tessie, did you know that Ethel passed away last week?" 
 " No, Becky, I didn't. Did her husband, Joe, take it hard?" 
 " He did, Tessie, but not as hard as Irving, their boarder, who everyone knew was carrying on with Ethel. As a matter of fact, when she died, Irving went to pieces. He couldn't eat and he couldn't sleep. He just sat around the house and moped." 
 " So what happened?" 
   "I'll tell you what happened. A few days after the funeral, Joe said to their boarder. "Stop your worrying. Irving, I'll get married again!" 
Bar Mitzvah Definition
  A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy 
  comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one. 
How do Jews actually practice their religion
How do Jews actually practice their religion in contrast to what rabbis tell us we ought to do? 
 From Ari Goldman's Book: 

  "Being Jewish: the Spiritual and Cultural Practice of Judaism Today" -- 
  1. I don't floss my teeth on Shabbat. 
  2. I don't eat shellfish on Shabbat. 
  3. I drive, but not on freeways (on Shabbat). 
  4. I keep kosher, but only within 50 miles of my home. 
  5. I keep 3 sets of dishes - for meat, dairy, and Chinese Food. 

A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine
  If you want varnishkas, dial 1; 
  If you want knishes press 2; 
  If you want chicken soup, press 3; 
  If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4; 
  If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling. 
Horse Race
An old Jewish man went to the races for the first time. Not knowing a  thing about horse racing, he went to the paddock to take a look. He saw  a Rabbi blessing one of the horses. He wrote down the number and placed  a $2 bet.
Sure enough the horse won and the man won $20.
He went down to the paddock again and again the rabbi was blessing  another horse.
He wrote down the number, bet his $20 and again the horse won, earning $100.
This went on, race after race, until the old Jewish man won $5000.
Just before the last race he watch the rabbi bless another horse.
He bet the $5000, but this time the horse came in dead last.
He ran down and yelled to the Rabbi, "Why did every horse you blessed win except the last one? He came in dead last!!!
The rabbi replied,"That's the problem with you Reform Jews...you don't  know the difference between a brucha and a Kaddish.
Jewish Mothers and Psychiatrists
" I had the strangest dream last night," a young Jewish man was telling his psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing.  In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
" A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
Chanukah Blanka
By Joe Hampie (sung to the tune of "As Time Goes By" from "Casablanka"

You must remember this,
A bris is still a bris,
A chai is just a chai,
Pastrami still belongs on rye,
As time goes by. With holidays in view,
A Jew is still a Jew,
On that you can rely.
No matter if we eat tofu,
As time goes by. Old shtetl customs, never out of date,
All those potatoes someone has to grate,
One flame in the window,
Keep counting til there's eight,
To light the winter sky. In the Bronx, or in the Mission,
It's still the same tradition,
That no one can deny,
We roam, but we recall our birthright,
As time goes by. Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date,
Ancient Semetic glories to relate,
Blue-and-white giftwrap, ain't this country great,
And festive chazerai!

It's still the same old Torah,
It's still the same menorah,
We've latkes still to fry,
December's when I feel most Jewish,
As time goes by.

A Kosher Millionaire
  You have three lifelines to help you, as follows: 
  1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion. 
  2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion. 
  3. You may consider your spouse's opinion...or not. 
  4. Bonus lifeline! Your Mother will give you her opinion, whether you ask for it or not. 
  Lets play: So you wouldn't mind being a Kosher Millionaire. 

 For $500 
 Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider? 
 A. NetanYahoo.   For $1,000 
 Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women? 
 A. Oil of Oy Vey.   For $2,000 
 Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women? 
 A. Debbie Does Dishes.   For $4,000 
 Q. What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish Woman? 
 A.The "Plaintiff."   For $8,000 
 Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates? 
 A."Your Mother pays retail."   For $16,000 
 Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human? 
 A. When it graduates from medical school.   For $32,000 
 Q. What does a Jewish women do to keep her hands soft and her nails long and beautiful? 
 A. Nothing, she does nothing at all.   For $64,000 
 Q. Define "Genius". 
 A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.   For $125,000 
 Q. What do you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage? 
 A. Genghis Cohen.   For $250,000 
 Q. Why did the Moyel retire? 
 A. He just couldn't cut it anymore.   For $500,000 
 Q. If Tarzan and Jane where Jewish, what would Cheetah be. 
 A. A fur coat. 

 For $1,000,000 
 Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother? 
 A. 10 lbs. 

Farshtayn Yiddish
An elderly Jewish lady approaches a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."

Elderly Lady: "Vot time is it?"

Kol Nidre
Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs.  Rabbi, I'm a lifelong Yankee fan.  I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV."

The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCRs are for."

Gotlieb is surprised.  "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

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