|A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine||How do Jews actually practice their Religion|
|A Kosher Millionaire||Jewish Mothers and Psychiatrists|
|Bar Mitzvah Definition||Jewish Weddings|
|Chanukah Blanka||Kol Nidre|
|Don't Marry a Shiksa||Morty and Saul|
|Farshtayn Yiddish||News Flash - Middle East|
|News Flash - Middle East|
|U. N. officials have hailed Yasser Arafat's decision to convert to Judaism as a major step in bringing peace to the Middle East. In Israel, government offices were swamped beyond capacity by applicants volunteering to be the moyel.|
You are at a Wedding and
you want To know what type of Synagogue you are in.
Here's How To Tell:
the first day of Hanukah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful
deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were
talking amongst themselves in Yiddish - the colorful language of Jews who
came over from Eastern Europe.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said... "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
|Don't Marry a Shiksa|
Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a "shiksa."
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
" It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
" It's Shabbos," the son replied.
The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday.
It's our busiest day." "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause problems."
Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying For His Citizenship
Papers. He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate" - He Spelled It Correctly.
He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence.
He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A Very Cold Day, I
Vas Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I Took The Subvay Home."
story is told of 4 older Jewish ladies who enjoyed getting together in
each others' homes.
"My son," says Mrs. Levi, "is a Physicist and heads up a department at the University. Her friends nodded approvingly. "My son," says Mrs. Greenberg, "is a Doctor and is Chief of Surgery at Mt. Sinai Hospital." You must be so proud, they said. "My son," says Mrs. Goldblatt, "is the head of a law firm and president of the bar association." Again, nods all around.
"My son," says Mrs.
Cohen, "is a Rabbi."
|Morty and Saul|
Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts
Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
|" Tessie, did you know that
Ethel passed away last week?"
" No, Becky, I didn't. Did her husband, Joe, take it hard?"
" He did, Tessie, but not as hard as Irving, their boarder, who everyone knew was carrying on with Ethel. As a matter of fact, when she died, Irving went to pieces. He couldn't eat and he couldn't sleep. He just sat around the house and moped."
" So what happened?"
"I'll tell you what happened. A few days after the funeral, Joe said to their boarder. "Stop your worrying. Irving, I'll get married again!"
|Bar Mitzvah Definition|
Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy
comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
|How do Jews actually practice their religion|
do Jews actually practice their religion in contrast to what rabbis tell
us we ought to do?
From Ari Goldman's Book:
"Being Jewish: the
Spiritual and Cultural Practice of Judaism Today" --
|A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine|
you want varnishkas, dial 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
old Jewish man went to the races for the first time. Not knowing a thing about horse racing,
he went to the paddock to take a look. He saw a Rabbi blessing one
of the horses. He wrote down the number and placed a $2 bet.
Sure enough the horse won and the man won $20.
He went down to the paddock again and again the rabbi was blessing another horse.
He wrote down the number, bet his $20 and again the horse won, earning $100.
This went on, race after race, until the old Jewish man won $5000.
Just before the last race he watch the rabbi bless another horse.
He bet the $5000, but this time the horse came in dead last.
He ran down and yelled to the Rabbi, "Why did every horse you blessed win except the last one? He came in dead last!!!
The rabbi replied,"That's the problem with you Reform Jews...you don't know the difference between a brucha and a Kaddish.
|Jewish Mothers and Psychiatrists|
|" I had the strangest dream
last night," a young Jewish man was telling his psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
" A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
|By Joe Hampie
to the tune of "As Time Goes By" from "Casablanka"
You must remember this,
It's still the same old Torah,
|A Kosher Millionaire|
have three lifelines to help you, as follows:
1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
3. You may consider your spouse's opinion...or not.
4. Bonus lifeline! Your Mother will give you her opinion, whether you ask for it or not.
Lets play: So you wouldn't mind being a Kosher Millionaire.
| An elderly Jewish lady approaches
a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Elderly Lady: "Vot time is it?"
called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the
playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a lifelong Yankee fan. I've got to watch
the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCRs are for."
Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?
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