| A
Day at the Zoo |
Dov
is an actor - or, at least, he would be if he could get his act together
and find a job. He is down and out, and ready to settle for anything,
any opportunity. Finally he gets a lead. He discovers a job
described in the classified ads as follows: "Actor needed to play ape."
"I could do that," says Dov.
To his surprise, the
employer turns out to be none other than the recruitment director for the
local zoo. The director confesses that owing to past mismanagement, the
zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat,
that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace
Betsy, their previous ape, who is now in ape-Heaven. He then offers
Dov the job of playing a real, live ape. Out of desperation, Dov
accepts the offer. At first, Dov is at odds with his new job.
His conscience keeps nagging at him, telling him that he is being dishonest
by fooling the zoo-goers. And as you might expect, Dov feels rather
undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds of observers who watch
his every move from the other side of the cage. But after a couple
of days on the job, he actually begins to be amused by all the attention. He
even starts to put on a bit of a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down
from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the looming vines, climbing
up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might whilst beating his chest. Indeed,
he begins to become quite a popular attraction at the zoo, drawing a sizable
crowd.
One day, when showing off to a group of kids on a school trip, Dov starts swinging about on the vines with the greatest agility, when all of a sudden his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den!
Recovering from the
fall, Dov lifts up his head to see the lion approaching. Terrified,
Dov backs up as far as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and screams
at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisroel Ad-nai Elokeinu Ad-nai echad!
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch shem k'vod malchuso l'olam va'ed!"
"Hush, you fools!" a panda bear mutters from a third cage.
"You'll get us all fired!" |
| Oy
Vey, a Real Groaner |
| The
story is told of two men visiting New York City for the first time who
come across two Jews wearing long black
coats,
wide-brimmed hats, with long beards and payos (earlocks). One man turns
to the other and says, "What's that?"
The second
man replies, "Hassidim."
The first man responds, "I
see them, too -- but, what are they?" |
| YOU
GREW UP JEWISH IF............. |
| You
spent your entire childhood thinking that
everyone called roast beef "brisket."
Your
family dog responded to Yiddish.
You've
experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide
dining room trying to get to a deli
tray.
Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent
visiting your grandparents.
You thought pasta was used
exclusively for kugel, kasha and bowties.
You can understand Yiddish
but you can't speak it.
You watched Ed Sullivan every
Sunday night and were forced to watch Eddie Cantor's show.
You were as tall as your grandmother
by the age of seven.
You were proud when Elizabeth
Taylor converted.
You thought all women's breasts
were at least a C cup.
You were told that Eddie Fisher
was the greatest singer of all time.
You thought that wine is supposed
to taste like year-old cranberry sauce and have the consistency of syrup.
You can look at gefilte fish
and not turn green.
You think the goyim are out
to get you.
Your mother smacked you and
then made you feel guilty for hurting her hand.
You know how to pronounce
numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't
exactly
know what
they
mean. Kenenhorra.
You have at least one ancestor
who is related to your spouse's ancestor.
You grew up thinking it's
normal for someone to shout, "Are you okay?
Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're
in there for more than 3 minutes.
You have at least six male
relatives named David.
You feel a sense of pride
after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie, but Barbara Streisand embarrasses
you to no
end.
Your body was saturated with
Vicks, over the years.
Your grandparents' furniture
smelled like mothballs and you kept sliding off the plastic cover.
You thought that yelling was
normal.
You never knew anyone who's
last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.
You thought whitefish salad
and lox were the quintessential party foods. |
| High
Holiday Enunciation |
| As we are in the midst of
the High Holidays, it's time once again to explain the correct naming of
the holiday Yom Kippur.
Studies have shown that how
a person pronounces this is an uncanny indicator of their socioeconomic
status. For example, a person who
own a Geo Metro or Kia normally pronounces it: "Yahm Kipp' er". A
person who owns a Cadillac normally says: "Yohm' KeePoor."
While the driver of the
Mercedes Benz says: "Merry Christmas."
|
|
Rubin's Classic Jewish Pictures |
Gonif with the Wind - A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged property deed.
The Putzman Rings Twice - A mohel murder mystery
Schnorer Rae - A freeloader tries to get in on the union movement
Balaboosta Cockburn - John Wayne's wife memorizes Grossinger cookbook
The Good, the Chabbad, and the Ugly - A kosher noodle western
Moby Dreck - Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale
The Cincinnati Yid - Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation
Litvak Big Man - Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant
|
|
A Jewish Wish |
| Here
is my Jewish Friendship Wish for you!
May
you be granted every wish
May you always have gefilte
fish
May you always stay safe
from winds and hails
May you always shop at Bloomingdale's
May you have understanding
of every detail
May you never, ever, have
to pay retail
May you regard every man
as your brother
May you always remember
to call your mother
You have to send this message
to two other friends
right away, or you will
feel guilty forever
|
| One
Man's Faith |
| On a sunny Shabboth afternoon
in Miami Beach, two old friends met for the first time in years.
After
exchange of the usual amenities, as they sat on a beachfront bench,
Jacob's expression grew somber,
and he said, "Shmuel, people are telling me you don't go to shul any more.
Can it be true that you no longer believe in G-d?" Shmuel looked
uncomfortable, and hurriedly changed the subject. The next afternoon, the
old friends met on the beach again.
"You must tell me, Shmuel,
" Jacob said, "Don't you believe in our G-d anymore?"
Shmuel replied, "Here is
a straight answer to a straight question. No, I don't."
Jacob asked, "Why didn't
you tell me that yesterday?"
Shmuel, deeply shocked exclaimed, "G-d
forbid - on Shabboth?"
|
| The
Birthday Present |
Golda's
son Jerry sent some caviar and champagne to his mother for her birthday.
When he asked how she liked
them, she replied, "The ginger ale was really delicious but the huckleberries
tasted like herring." |
| The
Ten Commandments |
This is the little-known tale of how G-d came
to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.
G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them
if they would like a commandment.
"What's a commandment?" they asked.
"Well, its like, Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery," replied G-d.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends."
So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them
if they would like a commandment.
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said G-d, "its like, Thou
Shalt Not Steal."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That
would ruin our economy."
So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them
if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
G-d said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll
take TEN!" |
| Stamps |
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps
for her Chanukah cards.
" What denomination?" asked the clerk.
" Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" replied
the woman. "Well, give me
50 Conservative,
2 Orthodox,
37 Reform
and 11 Reconstructionist" |
| New
Wealth |
| A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in
the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought
a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with
all the material wealth imaginable.
They then decided to have a butler and, wanting
the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler
through an agency and brought him back to their estate. The
day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room
table for four, that they were inviting
the Cohens
to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the
butler why eight, when they had specifically
instructed
him to set the table for four.
The butler
replied, "The
Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes."
|
| Personal
Advice |
| A
lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about
to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.
"Pardon me, sir" she said.
"You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop." "Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout
you, I vouldn't know. I'm blind."
He then turned around and
started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady
how he was doing.
"Not bad." she answered.
"Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are
slicing."
"Tanks, again, Miss. " he
replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."
A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"
"Not at all," she replied.
"I don't do vell vit the
ladies. Am I ugly or fett?"
"You're quite presentable,"
she replied. "I don't think that should be a problem."
Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."
He was about to hit another
ball when the girl interrupted him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of
advice?" she asked.
"Vit gladness. All the help
you got I vill take." he answered.
"Lose the Jewish accent."
she replied. "You're Chinese."
|
| Jewish Version of "Time Goes By" |
You must remember this,
A bris is still a bris,
A chai is just a chai.
Pastrami still belongs on rye,
As time goes by.
With holidays in view,
A Jew is still a Jew,
On that you can rely.
No matter if we eat tofu
As hours slip by.
Old shtetl customs, never out of date.
All those potatoes mother has to grate.
Honey, tsimus, latkes, chopped liver on our plate
The best that gelt can buy.
Some would send us to perdition,
But we're strengthened by tradition,
That no one can deny.
We roam, but we recall our birthright,
As time goes by.
Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date.
Ancient Jewish stories that we all relate.
Blue-and-white gift wrap, everything that's great?
And festive chazerai!
It's still the same old Torah,
It's still the same menorah,
We've latkes still to fry.
It's at yomtov when we feel most blessed,
As time goes by.
|
| If
Computers were Jewish |
- Your
PC would shut down automatically at sundown
on Friday evenings.
- Your "Start" button would be replaced with
a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
- "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with
"Stop it already -You're killing me! -You vant I should try it again?-
I didn't hear that!"
- When
disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be
instructed to "Remove from your PC's
tuchis the cable."
- Your
multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so
play my music already!"
- Microsoft
Office would include "A little byte
of this, a little byte of that."
- When
running "scandisk", you will be prompted
with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
- When
your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!"
- A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz
would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your
monitor.
- After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schluffen."
- Computer viruses could now be cured
with chicken soup.
|
| |
