harry Leichter Jewish Humor
Jewish Humor 55
New Wealth
A Jewish Wish
Personal Advice
High Holiday Enunciation
If Computers were Jewish
You Grew  Up Jewish If........
Jewish Version of "Time Goes By"
Stamps
One Man's Faith
A Day at the Zoo
The Birthday Present
Oy Vey, a Real Groaner
The Ten Commandments
Rubin's Classic Jewish Pictures

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
A Day at the Zoo
Dov is an actor - or, at least, he would be if he could get his act together and find a job.  He is down and out, and ready to settle for anything, any opportunity.  Finally he gets a lead.  He discovers a job described in the classified ads as follows: "Actor needed to play ape."
 "I could do that," says Dov.
 To his surprise, the employer turns out to be none other than the recruitment director for the local zoo. The director confesses that owing to past mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace Betsy, their previous ape, who is now in ape-Heaven.  He then offers Dov the job of playing a real, live ape.  Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer.  At first, Dov is at odds with his new job.  His conscience keeps nagging at him, telling him that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers.  And as you might expect, Dov feels rather undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds of observers who watch his every move from the other side of the cage.  But after a couple of days on the job, he actually begins to be amused by all the attention.  He even starts to put on a bit of a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the looming vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might whilst beating his chest.  Indeed, he begins to become quite a popular attraction at the zoo, drawing a sizable crowd.
     One day, when showing off to a group of kids on a school trip, Dov starts swinging about on the vines with the greatest agility, when all of a sudden his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den!
 Recovering from the fall, Dov lifts up his head to see the lion approaching.  Terrified, Dov backs up as far as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and screams at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisroel Ad-nai Elokeinu Ad-nai echad!
     The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch shem k'vod malchuso l'olam va'ed!"
     "Hush, you fools!"  a panda bear mutters from a third cage.
"You'll get us all fired!"
Oy Vey, a Real Groaner
The story is told of two men visiting New York City for the first time who come across two Jews wearing long black coats, wide-brimmed hats, with long beards and payos (earlocks). One man turns to the other and says, "What's that?"

The second man replies, "Hassidim."

The first man responds, "I see them, too -- but, what are they?"

YOU GREW  UP JEWISH IF............. 
You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone called roast beef "brisket." 

Your family dog responded to Yiddish.  You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room trying to get to a deli tray.  Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents. You thought pasta was used exclusively for kugel, kasha and bowties.  You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.  You watched Ed Sullivan every Sunday night and were forced to watch Eddie Cantor's show.  You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.  You were proud when Elizabeth Taylor converted.  You thought all women's breasts were at least a C cup.  You were told that Eddie Fisher was the greatest singer of all time.  You thought that wine is supposed to taste like year-old cranberry sauce and have the consistency of syrup.  You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.  You think the goyim are out to get you.  Your mother smacked you and then made you feel guilty for hurting her hand.  You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenenhorra.  You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.  You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout, "Are you okay? 
Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for more than 3 minutes.  You have at least six male relatives named David.  You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie, but Barbara Streisand embarrasses you to no end.  Your body was saturated with Vicks, over the years.   Your grandparents' furniture smelled like mothballs and you kept sliding off the plastic cover.  You thought that yelling was normal.  You never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes. 

You thought whitefish salad and lox were the quintessential party foods. 

High Holiday Enunciation  
As we are in the midst of the High Holidays, it's time once again to explain the correct naming of the holiday Yom Kippur.

Studies have shown that how a person pronounces this is an uncanny indicator of their socioeconomic status. For example, a person who own a Geo Metro or Kia normally pronounces it: "Yahm Kipp' er". A person who owns a Cadillac normally says: "Yohm' KeePoor."

While the driver of the Mercedes Benz says: "Merry Christmas."

Rubin's Classic Jewish Pictures
  Gonif with the Wind - A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged property deed.

The Putzman Rings Twice - A mohel murder mystery Schnorer Rae - A freeloader tries to get in on the union movement Balaboosta Cockburn - John Wayne's wife memorizes Grossinger cookbook The Good, the Chabbad, and the Ugly - A kosher noodle western Moby Dreck - Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale  The Cincinnati Yid - Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation

Litvak Big Man - Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant

A Jewish Wish
Here is my Jewish Friendship Wish for you! 

May you be granted every wish 
May you always have gefilte fish 
May you always stay safe from winds and hails 
May you always shop at Bloomingdale's 
May you have understanding of every detail 
May you never, ever, have to pay retail 
May you regard every man as your brother 
May you always remember to call your mother 
 

You have to send this message to two other friends 
right away, or you will feel guilty forever

One Man's Faith  
On a sunny Shabboth afternoon in Miami Beach, two old friends met for the first time in years.

After exchange of the usual amenities, as they sat on a beachfront bench, Jacob's expression grew somber, and he said, "Shmuel, people are telling me you don't go to shul any more. Can it be true that you no longer believe in G-d?"  Shmuel looked uncomfortable, and hurriedly changed the subject. The next afternoon, the old friends met on the beach again. "You must tell me, Shmuel, " Jacob said, "Don't you believe in our G-d anymore?"  Shmuel replied, "Here is a straight answer to a straight question. No, I don't." Jacob asked, "Why didn't you tell me that yesterday?"

Shmuel, deeply shocked exclaimed, "G-d forbid - on Shabboth?"

The Birthday Present
Golda's son Jerry sent some caviar and champagne to his mother for her birthday. 
When he asked how she liked them, she replied, "The ginger ale was really delicious but the huckleberries tasted like herring." 
The Ten Commandments  
This is the little-known tale of how G-d came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.
G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. 
"What's a commandment?" they asked. 
"Well, its like, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," replied G-d. 
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends."
So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. 
They also asked, "What's a commandment?" 
"Well," said G-d, "its like, Thou Shalt Not Steal." 
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. 
They asked, "How much?" 
G-d said, "They're free." 
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"
Stamps
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards.
" What denomination?" asked the clerk. 
" Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" replied the woman. "Well, give me 
50 Conservative, 
2 Orthodox, 
37 Reform 
and 11 Reconstructionist" 
New Wealth 
A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to their estate. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch.   The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him   to set the table for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes."

Personal Advice
A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her. 

"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop."  "Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blind."  He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.  "Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing."  "Tanks, again, Miss. " he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."  A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"  "Not at all," she replied.  "I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett?"  "You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that should be a problem."  Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."  He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked.  "Vit gladness. All the help you got I vill take." he answered. 

"Lose the Jewish accent." she replied. "You're Chinese." 

Jewish Version of "Time Goes By"

You must remember this,

A bris is still a bris,

A chai is just a chai.

Pastrami still belongs on rye,

As time goes by.

With holidays in view,

A Jew is still a Jew,

On that you can rely.

No matter if we eat tofu

As hours slip by.

Old shtetl customs, never out of date.

All those potatoes mother has to grate.

Honey, tsimus, latkes, chopped liver on our plate

The best that gelt can buy.

Some would send us to perdition,

But we're strengthened by tradition,

That no one can deny.

We roam, but we recall our birthright,

As time goes by.

Dreidels and chocolate, never out of date.

Ancient Jewish stories that we all relate.

Blue-and-white gift wrap, everything that's great?

And festive chazerai!

It's still the same old Torah,

It's still the same menorah,

We've latkes still to fry.

It's at yomtov when we feel most blessed,

As time goes by.

If Computers were Jewish 
  1. Your PC would shut down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. 
  2. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button. 
  3. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -You're killing me! -You vant I should try it again?- I didn't hear that!" 
  4. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove from your PC's tuchis the cable." 
  5. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!" 
  6. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, a little byte of that." 
  7. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message. 
  8. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!" 
  9. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor. 
  10. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schluffen." 
  11. Computer viruses could now be cured with chicken soup.
 
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