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Top 14 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife
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|The Nature of G-d|
| A man is trying to understand
the nature of G-d and asks him:
"G-d, how long is a million years to you?"
G-d answers: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asks: "G-d, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And G-d replies: "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally the man asks: "G-d, could you give me a penny?"
And G-d says: "In a minute."
| Bernie, a young Jewish boy,
decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over
the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his
degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest
aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company
to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our approval--go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made." Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off again.
Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his schul to pray, to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off." Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And--it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzah broken on the perforation!"
high time we recall how important and how powerful the homentasch is, and
to praise the Lord and pass the ammunition for the blessing he has given
us at this season. It is easy, of course, to forget the "lowly" homentasch,
because our good neighbors, and some who are, loy oleynu, not so good,
nebekh, have khapt onto it as if it were their own. We gave it to the world
gladly, knowing how much good it could do--and do we get any credit for
it? A nekhtige tug! Take the Egyptians, for example. Take them, takeh.
Yosef hatzaddik (Joseph) explained the importance of the homentasch to
Pharaoh. He pointed out that the step pyramids, such as those at Sakkara,
were utterly useless, and were doomed eventually to fall into ruin, which
has happened, as anyone can see.
Make a pyramid with four sides of perfectly symmetrical homentaschen, he said, and you've really got something. Nu, Pharaoh, y'makh shmoy v'zikhroy, decided to experiment with the grand homentasch design and what did he do? No sooner did he have the secret of the homentasch firmly under his belt--it should only have stuck in his craw--than he promptly forgot Joseph and turned on his people, enslaving them and forcing them to build his great four-sided homentaschen, which stand proudly to this day.
Every schoolchild learns the Pythagorean theorem. I wouldn't, kholileh, want to take away from Pythagoras or the Greeks any of the glory they used to have. But we have always believed that the ethical thing to do is to give credit where credit is due. The fact is--I'm not making this up--that Pythagoras studied at the yeshiva of Beys Hillel. Moreover, I have it on good authority that when he was a boy, his father, realizing that he was not getting such a good education from the wandering sophists, who even then were serving as private tutors, since very few of the Greek cities had public schools, decided that a good day school education was what he wanted for his son. There was no better school in those days than the local Hillel Day School.
Since Mr. Pythagoras was a widower, nebekh, he sent the boy to live at the yeshiva. Pythagoras Jr. was a pretty good student, according to fragments of records that were destroyed in the great fire at the Alexandrian library, though he was often guilty of bittul toyreh, since he liked to strum on his harp and dream up theories about musical instruments. But I digress from my story. He used to take his meals at the homes of Mrs. Shapiro, Mrs. Goldberg, Mrs. Melnick, and other kindly Jewish ladies in the neighborhood. Essen teg they called it in those days. Nu, came Purim, and naturally Mrs. Shapiro gave her young guest a few homentaschen.
He inquired of his rebbe the next day about this remarkable delicacy, and the rebbe took him aside (for the arcane secrets of kabbalah are not revealed in public), opened the holy sforim that deal with the homentasch and its great powers, and started the lad on his way to greatness. What is called the Pythagorean theorem is in fact nothing more than a simple formula for squeezing the greatest number of homentaschen onto a single baking pan, which every Jewish housewife had been taught by her bobbeh.
But listen! The kid made a fortune selling pamphlets about the right-angled homentasch and became one of the yeshiva's biggest supporters, serving on the board for many years. You have to have to give him credit, he really knew how to market an idea, and no one had a copyright on it anyway. Incidentally, it was Mrs. Melnick's cholent that Pythagoras ate every Shabbos that convinced him that beans have such serious side effects that he declared them non-kosher when he founded his own yeshiva years later.
If you want to know why the dollar is still the strongest currency in the world, just check it out carefully. On the back side of the greenback you will find the homentasch. When Jefferson designed the great seal of the United States, believe me, he knew what he was doing. There's the four-sided homentasch that the Egyptians learned was the most powerful door to eternity; and above it, winking its eye, is the divine homentasch itself. As long as that homentasch is on the dollar, we're in good shape. By the way, the early geniuses of finance knew precisely what they were doing when they settled on Wall Street as the site of their business, locating it in Tribeca, a homentasch-shaped section of Manhattan, and therefore naturally the most powerful financial district in the world.
When our government
needed a powerful, fast, invisible fighter plane, to whom did it turn?
other than the Lubavitcher Rebbe, zikhrono livrokho, who was not only a
great talmid khokhom, but also an engineer who graduated from the Sorbonne. "No problem," said the Rebbe. "You should have asked sooner." And he prepared
blueprints of a fighter jet built in the shape of a homentasch. A few little
adjustments here and there, and we had the Phantom Jet, which they call
"delta wing" because for them, homentasch is a mouthful. Nu, kinderlakh,
may we all have a joyous Purim as we spin our dreydlekh, shake our lulavs,
hear the shofar, enjoy a latke or two, have a little schnapps . .
|The Top 14 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife:|
| 1. Find an attractive prisoner
of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new
clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Ex 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.- Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10.Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11.When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-)
12.Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).- David (2 Samuel 11)
13.Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14.Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
| 1. Hello...you have
reached the office of the Board of Rabbis. If you are Orthodox, press
6-1-3; if you are Conservative, press 1 or 2; if you are Reform, press
any button you like; if you are Reconstructionist,
press all the buttons. (DING)
Please hold on while I transfer
your call... Hello. You have reached
the Orthodox rabbi. The answer to your question is that it is forbidden
by the Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 18. (DING)
Hello: You have reached
the Conservative rabbi. The answer to your question is that we have
ruled that either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither answer
is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has
4. Hello, you have reached the offices of the Jewish Community Relations Council. If you are offended by our position on Israel, please press 1; if you are offended by our position on church-state separation, please press 2; if you are offended by our position on Black-Jewish relations, please press 3. If you think all Soviet Jews should move to Israel, press 4, unless you are calling from North America, in which case pressing 4 will not work; if you are calling to propose a boycott of our local newspaper, please press 5; if you are calling to propose a boycott of ABS, CBS, NBS, CNN, or PBS, please press 6; if you are calling to ask who authorized us to speak for the Jewish community, please hang up and organize your own Jewish agency. Have a consensual day.
| A hurricane blew across
the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped
by high waves, sinking without a trace.
were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward
Benny. Both managed to
swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of
land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found.
The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree. "Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how
can you be so calm?" cried the Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.
|How to tell if you are aging:|
|When my old electric typewriter needed a new ribbon, I removed the old one, with its spools, put it in its' original box and took it to a well-known office supply store in midtown Manhattan. I presented it to a young salesman and asked, "May I have another one?" The salesman examined the box, emptied its' contents and asked, "What is it?"|
Turmoil rocked Heaven this
morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper.
The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily." Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzubub immediately filed a brief with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as the "Wise Men." Beelzubub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzubub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzubub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
|Passover is Approaching|
At the seder table, every
Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how
God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians.
Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's intensions, Pharoah
refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born
children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish
homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews
leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.This
has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the Pharoah,
in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews
ater the first nine plagues. It took eight years of research by Elizabeth
Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive
answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls
before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious.....The Pharoah
was still in de Nile.
By Stan Kegel
| A Jewish man went
to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any
Chinese Jews. So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he
asked, "Pardon me, but I'd like to know if there are any Chinese
Jews?" The waiter said, "I don't know. I go into kitchen and ask manager."
After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes. He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews."
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