||Henny Youngman Favorites|
||Found! Lost Diaries of Noah|
|The Chumra of the Week Club|
|Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin Min Hamehadrin is pleased
The Chumra of the Week Club.
Are you jealous of Yankel's
Chumras? Do you want to go one (or more!) better than Shmerl? Have
when asked: "Maybe you have a new little Chumraleh for me?" If you
have been faced by any of these dreadful scenarios, join up now! Chumrah
of the Week Club is a new concept in real, authentic Yiddishkeit. Upon
joining, we will immediately send you - as your introductory selection
choice of three Chumras
in any of our present-day Chumra fields (more to be added later). Choose
from Chumras in:
Remember our motto: "'Yiras Shamoyaim' means fear of what the other guy will say."
|Breakfast on Yom Kippur|
|Shapiro's son, Greg, walked up
to his father's rabbi during the break between the Musaf and Mincha
services on Yom Kippur.
"Rabbi Pollak, you must help me...I know that we're supposed to fast this day, but I am so thirsty--I must be allowed to have something to drink!" Rabbi Pollak quietly, but firmly responded, "I am sorry, but it must be pekuach nefesh (life-threatening) before the fast may be broken." "But, you don't understand," whined young Shapiro, "if I don't get something soon, I am going to faint from thirst." Shapiro had continued on for some time when the rabbi finally relented and instructed the Gabbai to give Greg a shot-glass of water.
Young Shapiro quickly downed the liquid, whereupon he gasped, "That's the last time I have salt herring for breakfast on Yom Kippur."
family notices that Abe is having a quiet conversation with the Almighty,
so they go about their business. All of a sudden, Abe shouts
"You want me to cut off a piece of my WHAT?"
woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus and
sits down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black coat,
black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.
The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you," she hisses at him.
He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?"
She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off your hat! It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish.
The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs."
|FOUND! LOST DIARIES OF NOAH|
least according to South Africa's "People" magazine
dated April 11 to May 1. According to the article the diaries were "found
in an ancient ship-like wreck about 32 kms from Mount Ararat" "immediately
below the mountain of Al Judi, named by the Koran as the final resting
place of the Ark" by Professor Horace Ventor (no origin or organization
given) and Dr Vito Fontes "a leading Italian archaeologist and linguistic
425 b.c. Day One Dear Diary,
|HENNY YOUNGMAN FAVORITES|
| The Pope met with his cardinals
to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your
Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But, he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
| Mrs. Finkelstein
was cleaning her attic and found a beautiful old lamp. As she rubbed
off the dust a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from this prison," said the genie. "To show my gratitude I will grant you one wish."
"Wonderful," said the woman in surprise. She reached for her atlas and pointed to a map of Israel. "The people here have been fighting for as long as I can remember. My one wish is to bring peace to this land."
"Um... that's a little difficult..." stammered the genie. "These people... they've been... it goes way back... Sorry, I'm afraid you'll to make another wish."
"Too bad," said Mrs. Finkelstein sadly. "Could you at least help the Orioles win the pennant this year?"
The genie thought a moment, then opened his hand. "Hmmm, let me see this map again..."
you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in
the fastest time.
Well it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal. Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of the Israeli...the crowd waited, and waited...
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"
|FRIDAY NIGHT SERVICE|
leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of
the congregation, Bernie,
walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor
to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?" Bernie: "The dog came here to pray." "Oh, come on." says the Rabbi. "YES!" says Bernie. Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple." Bernie: "Its true!". . . "Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do." "OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"
Bernie, throwing up
his hands in disgust says, "YOU talk to him. . . !
comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs.
Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary
in your office.
Why would you do that to me?
Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for.
You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"
"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb between the sheets.
As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"
"No not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?""No, I'll tell you when"
They begin to make love.....
"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax,
Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent. "I
vont to go to India."
"Mrs. Cohen, why India? It's filthy, much hotter than New York, it's filled to the brim with Indians."
"I vont to go to India."
"But it's a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You'll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, G-d only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?"
"I vont to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru. "Dats OK."
Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words. "Fine."
She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies she is once again reminded: "Remember, just three words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says:
"Sheldon, come home."
|How the Dog Got a Wet Nose|
a man named Noah started building a boat in the middle of the desert,
everybody laughed. They thought he was daft. But Noah wasn't listening
to them, he was listening to the G-d of the Hebrews, who said to build
a boat. So Noah built a boat.
Noah called his boat an ark. When he finished it, he rounded up all the animals, two by two, to travel on his ark. People laughed at Noah's possums and panthers and penguins. They laughed at his cheetahs and chinchillas, giraffes and gazelles, and rhinoceroses and hippopatamuses. Into the ark went all the animals, two by two.
Pretty soon, it started to rain. It rained, and it poured, and it rained some more. People stopped laughing and the ark started floating. Noah and his family and all the animals, two by two, rode safely on the waters.
They sailed for 40 days and 40 nights. When the rains stopped, out of the ark came Noah and his family and all of the animals, two by two. Except one. No one could find the little dog. Noah searched everywhere. He looked on the first deck. He looked on the second deck, then the third deck. Finally, in the farthest corner in the lowest deck, he found the little dog. The dog was shivering and standing with his nose pressed hard against the side of the boat.
"Come here, little dog!" called Noah. "It's time to come out! Here, doggie, doggie!" The little dog wouldn't move. Noah gently pulled him away. "What's this?" said Noah. "A hole in the ark! The ark might have sunk! Little dog! You kept us safe, me, my family, and all of the animals, two by two! With your little nose!"
The little dog was proud. But mostly, he was hungry. "Little dog," said Noah, as he pulled out a juicy bone, "so all the world and all the generations will know your great deed, your nose will always be cold and wet, just as it is today."
That's how the dog got his cold, wet nose. When you feel it, remember the little dog who used his nose to protect Noah, his family and all of the animals, two by two.
Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he
left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An
angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified
his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed on earth. On
the sixth hole, G-d caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly
from the tee to the cup for a miraculous and dramatic hole in one.
The angel was horrified. "Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?!"
"Sure," answered G-d with a smile. "Who can he tell?"
| In the beginning G-d created
Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 B.C.. And G-d said, let
there be light; and there was light. And when there was Light, G-d
saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work; for verily,
he had a Big Job to do.
And G-d made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day. And G-d saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not wherein to put it all. And G-d said, Let the heavens be divided from the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but not too deep. And G-d buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that. And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday. And G-d said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that was that. And G-d called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant. And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land , called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he called Wednesday. And G-d said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now ; and let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like. And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to brontosauruses. But G-d blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve Not. And G-d looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and G-d was pleased. And G-d took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and cast he them about likewise. And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt G-d created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, G-d saw that he had put in another good day's work. And G-d said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys, which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy. And G-d added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and every speices, endangered or otherwise. So G-d created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkey. And G-d said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth you ideas. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they shall be for you. And the Lord G-d your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.
And G-d saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good; and G-d said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken billions of years. And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, G-d said, Thank me it's Friday. And G-d made the weekend.
|Have you got the time?|
old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train. The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what
time is it?" The old Jew does not answer.
"Excuse me, sir, what time is
it?" The old Jew keeps silent. "Sir, I'm asking you what time
is it. Why don't you answer?!" The old Jew says: "Son, the next
stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must
be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you
to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You
will both fall in love and you will want to get married.
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