harry Leichter Jewish Humor
Jewish Humor 7
Genesis 1
Amish Jew
Difficult Wish
Golf Challenge
Have you got the time
Breakfast Yom Kippur
Friday Night Service
How the Dog Got a Wet Nose
Henny Youngman Favorites
The Chumra of the Week Club
Found! Lost Diaries of Noah
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
The Chumra of the Week Club
Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin Min Hamehadrin is pleased to present:
The Chumra of the Week Club.

Are you jealous of Yankel's Chumras? Do you want to go one (or more!) better than Shmerl? Have you ever been tongue-tied when asked: "Maybe you have a new little Chumraleh for me?" If you have been faced by any of these dreadful scenarios, join up now! Chumrah of the Week Club is a new concept in real, authentic Yiddishkeit.  Upon joining, we will immediately send you - as your introductory selection - the choice of three Chumras in any of our present-day Chumra fields (more to be added later). Choose from Chumras in:
Tefillin and Tzitzit
and many more.
(Sorry, due to market economics, we must limit ourselves to Bain adam lamakom.) After receiving your three introductory Chumras, you will receive, each week by mail, a new, exciting additional Chumra which you can immediately put into use. Within a short time you will have amassed a Chumra list that will amaze your friends and make you the envy of your
Kollel or Shul. Our guarantee: if the Chumra we send you is inappropriate for any reason, you are entitled to exchange it within 7 days of receipt for a new Chumrah of your choice. Reasons for exchange include:
*  You are already observing a Chumra of equal or greater stringency - unlikely - our Chumras are pre-selected for their uniqueness and stringency).
*  Your neighbor is already observing a similar Chumrah, heaven forbid. You want to be the first one in your community with this Chumra. We can assure you that all our Chumras are of the highest quality. We have a full-time staff busy combing the Bar Ilan CD ROM for the most obscure Chumros. (For an added fee, we can guarantee a personal Chumra taken from a source other than the CD ROM - guaranteed to be unique and to amaze all your friends.) To apply for Chumra of the Month Club, please fill out the following form scrupulously: Name________ ben ______ ben ______ ben _____ (Sorry, anyone unable to supply genealogical data for the past four generations is not eligible).
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All correspondence in this regard will be kept in the strictest confidence. Among the obscure Chumras we have found for our many overjoyed customers, we have used the following literary sources: the "Pi Ha'ason," the "Al Tagidu Be'gas," and the "Shtus Vehevel." Don't Wait Another Minute: Join the Chumra of the Week Club now, and change your entire life style, while serving as a source of heavenly envy for all your friends.

Remember our motto: "'Yiras Shamoyaim' means fear of what the other guy  will say."

Breakfast on Yom Kippur
Shapiro's son, Greg, walked up to his father's rabbi during the break between the Musaf and Mincha services on Yom Kippur.

"Rabbi Pollak, you must help me...I know that we're supposed to fast this day, but I am so thirsty--I must be allowed to have something to drink!" Rabbi Pollak quietly, but firmly responded, "I am sorry, but it must be pekuach nefesh (life-threatening) before the fast may be broken." "But, you don't understand," whined young Shapiro, "if I don't get something soon, I am going to faint from thirst."  Shapiro had continued on for some time when the rabbi finally relented and instructed the Gabbai to give Greg a shot-glass of water.

Young Shapiro quickly downed the liquid, whereupon he gasped, "That's the last time I have salt herring for breakfast on Yom Kippur."

Abraham's family notices that Abe is having a quiet conversation with the Almighty, so they go about their business.  All of a sudden, Abe shouts upward,
"You want me to cut off a piece of my WHAT?"
Amish Jew
A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus and sits down next to her.  He's wearing a black hat, long black coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.
The woman looks at him disgustedly.  "Jews like you," she hisses at him.
He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?"
She says, "Look at you.  All in black, a beard, never take off your hat!  It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish.
I'm Amish."
The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs."
At least according to South Africa's "People" magazine dated April 11 to May 1. According to the article the diaries were "found in an ancient ship-like wreck about 32 kms from Mount Ararat" "immediately below the mountain of Al Judi, named by the Koran as the final resting place of the Ark" by Professor Horace Ventor (no origin or organization given) and Dr Vito Fontes "a leading Italian archaeologist and linguistic expert".

425 b.c. Day One Dear Diary,
       First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire. The animals seem happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning to become restless, and it was a bad idea to put the rhinos, hippos and elephants on the starboard side, and the birds, insects, gerbils and hamsters port. Took some work to 'straighten" that one out, har har. Too tired to talk to G-d tonight. (Get Him started about the furies of His judgement, and He just goes on and on... ) So, off to bed... 425 b.c. Day Three Dear Diary,
       Rain has stopped, finally, and there's not a whole lot of land left to see. Saw a whole village's worth of people, all tied together in a pitiful attempt to save their own lives through common struggle. Sure glad I read those books about building my own shelter and surviving the Apocalypse; now if I can figure out what "canned rations" and "ferroconcrete bunkers" mean, I'll be in business.
       Shem lost his left hand to one of the lions yesterday. G-d provided food, all right: a thick, mealy white powder that you could almost eat if you added a little salt water. The budgies didn't like it, though, and the koala bears kept yelping for fresh eucalyptus leaves. 425 b.c. Day Seven Dear Diary,
       Time to sweep the decks. No time to write. 425 b.c. Day Seventeen Dear Diary,
       G-d decided to "help" by giving my the power to understand the animals' speech. Imagine over fifteen thousand married couples, forced to live in cramped and confined conditions, squabbling over how much yummy white powder mixed with sea water they get to have. They also whine about how good they used to have it, on the green earth, eating trees and nuts and berries and each other. Can't sleep at night. 425 b.c. Day Twenty-Two Dear Diary,
       Got so sick of white powder that we skinned and ate the unicorns. This caused quite a ruckus in the equestrian section, and morale among the cows and chickens has sunk to a new low. G-d has helped the situation somewhat by confusing the thoughts of the higher primates, thus keeping them from undoing the knots on their cages. Only problem is that they know they're being kept from thinking, and all I hear are anguished cries of "What are they _doing_ to us?" Meat was stringy anyway, and tasted like sandal thongs. 425 b.c., Day Thirty Dear Diary
       Can't sleep. Can't eat. Quelled mutiny by executing the centaurs as an example. Oldest son has developed strange religious beliefs based upon the frustrated mating cycles of our hyenas. Sight of humpbacked whale off port bow excited animals into thinking that G-d had sent it to destroy me and my family. Daughters are tempting me with their wicked ways. The night has a thousand phantoms that torment my soul. 425 b.c., Day Thirty-Eight Dear Diary,
       I can't be-LEEVE what happened today. You know Bobby Forester, that rilly cute guy in chemistry class? Get this: he walkd over to where Sondra and I were talking, and he asked me out to the new James Dean movie with him! G-d, can you be-LEEVE it? Sondra was _mortified_! (And I know she digs guys with motorcycles, like, you know she went to see "Wild One" something like twenty jillion times? She's gonna grow up to be a skag, doncha know...) So now she's mad a me, but I gotta get some new crinolines because my old ones got chocolate syrup poured on them last week at the drive-in, so.... 425 b.c. Day Thirty-Nine

Dear Diary,
      Becoming steadily less connected with day-to-day matters. Read yesterday's entry: thought someone else had written it. Had vision of strange birds. Have forgotten what land looks like. See no hope: G-d has forsaken me. Tomorrow I shall go into the hold and begin putting the animals
out of their misery, and ending this charade once and for all. I shall begin with the gryphons and dragons.

  • I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
  • My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
  • Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  • We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  • My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
  • My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
  • She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
  • She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  • I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
  • The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
  • The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
  • The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
  • A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
  • Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."
  • A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
  • The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
  • I made a movie with Farrah Fawcett and her dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
  • I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
  • A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
  • A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!" Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
  • There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
  • I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate buildings!
  • My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
  • She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
  • Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
  • Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
  • A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
  • 2 Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
  • A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."
  • A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."
  • A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"
  • I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
  • I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Golf Challenge
 The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one  of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

 The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"  "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But, he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

 "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.  "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."  "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

Difficult Wish
Mrs. Finkelstein was cleaning her attic and found a beautiful old lamp. As she rubbed off the dust a genie popped out.
"Thank you for releasing me from this prison," said the genie. "To show my gratitude I will grant you one wish."
"Wonderful," said the woman in surprise. She reached for her atlas and pointed to a map of Israel. "The people here have been fighting for as long as I can remember. My one wish is to bring peace to this land."
"Um... that's a little difficult..." stammered the genie. "These people... they've been... it goes way back... Sorry, I'm afraid you'll to make another wish."
"Too bad," said Mrs. Finkelstein sadly. "Could you at least help the Orioles win the pennant this year?"
The genie thought a moment, then opened his hand. "Hmmm, let me see this map again..."
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about  20 "gates" in the fastest time.
 Well it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.  Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation.  The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds.  The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of the Israeli...the crowd waited, and waited...

  "What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation,  Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.

Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"  Bernie:  "The dog came here to pray." "Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.  "YES!" says Bernie.  Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."  Bernie: "Its true!". . .  "Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do." "OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.   When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU talk to him. . . !
HE wants to be a doctor!"

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office.
Why would you do that to me?
Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for.
You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"
"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb between the sheets.
As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"
"No not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?""No, I'll tell you when"
They begin to make love.....
"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax,
Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent. "I vont to go to India."
"Mrs. Cohen, why India? It's filthy, much hotter than New York, it's filled to the brim with Indians."
"I vont to go to India."
"But it's a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You'll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, G-d only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?"
"I vont to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru. "Dats OK."
Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words. "Fine."
She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies she is once again reminded: "Remember, just three words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says:
"Sheldon, come home."
How the Dog Got a Wet Nose
    When a man named Noah started building a boat in the middle of the desert, everybody laughed. They thought he was daft. But Noah wasn't listening to them, he was listening to the G-d of the Hebrews, who said to build a boat. So Noah built a boat.
    Noah called his boat an ark. When he finished it, he rounded up all the animals, two by two, to travel on his ark. People laughed at Noah's possums and panthers and penguins. They laughed at his cheetahs and chinchillas, giraffes and gazelles, and rhinoceroses and hippopatamuses. Into the ark went all the animals, two by two.
    Pretty soon, it started to rain. It rained, and it poured, and it rained some more. People stopped laughing and the ark started floating. Noah and his family and all the animals, two by two, rode safely on the waters.
    They sailed for 40 days and 40 nights. When the rains stopped, out of the ark came Noah and his family and all of the animals, two by two. Except one. No one could find the little dog. Noah searched everywhere. He looked on the first deck. He looked on the second deck, then the third deck. Finally, in the farthest corner in the lowest deck, he found the little dog. The dog was shivering and standing with his nose pressed hard against the side of the boat.
    "Come here, little dog!" called Noah. "It's time to come out! Here, doggie, doggie!" The little dog wouldn't move. Noah gently pulled him away. "What's this?" said Noah. "A hole in the ark! The ark might have sunk! Little dog! You kept us safe, me, my family, and all of the animals, two by two! With your little nose!"
    The little dog was proud. But mostly, he was hungry.  "Little dog," said Noah, as he pulled out a juicy bone, "so all   the world and all the generations will know your great deed, your nose will always be cold and wet, just as it is today."
    That's how the dog got his cold, wet nose. When you feel it, remember the little dog who used his nose to protect Noah, his family and all of the animals, two by two.
A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself.  An angel who  happened to be looking on  immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed on earth.   On the sixth hole, G-d caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup for a miraculous and dramatic hole in one.
The angel was horrified. "Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?!"

"Sure," answered G-d with a smile. "Who can he tell?"

Genesis 1
In the beginning G-d created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 B.C.. And G-d said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there was Light, G-d saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.

And G-d made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day. And G-d saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not wherein to put it all. And G-d said, Let the heavens be divided from the earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but not too deep. And G-d buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that. And the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday. And G-d said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that was that. And G-d called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant. And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land , called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he called Wednesday. And G-d said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now ; and let each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like. And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to brontosauruses. But G-d blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and multiply and Evolve Not. And G-d looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and G-d was pleased. And G-d took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And he took every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and cast he them about likewise. And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt G-d created carbon dating. And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, G-d saw that he had put in another good day's work. And G-d said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys, which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy. And G-d added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and every speices, endangered or otherwise. So G-d created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the monkey. And G-d said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth you ideas. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But they shall be for you. And the Lord G-d your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.

And G-d saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good; and G-d said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken billions of years. And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, G-d said, Thank me it's Friday. And G-d made the weekend.

Have you got the time?
An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train.  The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer.

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps silent. "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it.  Why don't you answer?!" The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route.  I don't know you, so you must be a stranger.  If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home.  You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter.  You will both fall in love and you will want to get married.
Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"


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