Jewish Humour 70
|Fast Food||Engagement||Yom Kippur||Saul|
Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
|Moishe is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife Miriam. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
Miriam sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea with a piece of cake.
As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother Herman with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Moishe. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says Miriam, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Moishe heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law Herman. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to Herman. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies Herman. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Moishe.
"I don't remember."
|It was 1967 and the war was going on in Israel, as against the attacking neighbours.
Numerous Arab battalions were laying siege as against this mount of dirt which was about 120 feet high and which the IDF was defending against the invading force.
The Commander in charge of the Arab battalions was eager to complete his task and ordered 50 soldiers to attack. The shooting of weapons was deafening in the air. Then it suddenly stopped.
Ten minutes later, no victory flag could be seen, neither could one hear any more firing of weapons.
The Commander got concerned and ordered 100 soldiers to attack. The noise from the shooting was unbelievable, since it was clustered shooting, but then it too stopped suddenly.
Again, nothing; no flag, no more shooting, but as the cloud of smoke cleared, you could see a lone soldier crawl slowly towards the Arab force.
The Commander ran over to this soldier, who was bleeding, with dirt all over his uniform, from crawling to safety and asked him what happened.
The soldier looked up and exclaimed: "Sir, we walked into an ambush, there were two of them,"
|Yacov, the Rebbe dies. Ruchal goes to one of those mediums and the medium looks into her crystal ball and a voice Comes out. “Ruchal.” She says, “Is that you, Yacov?” “It’s me, Ruchal .” “Really? How is it, Yacov?” “Oh, Ruchal, it’s wonderful. Every day I wake up, the first thing I do in the morning is have sex. And then I have some breakfast. And then I take a little nap. Sex again. And then lunch. And then a nap. And then I have sex, snack, and then I take another nap. Sex, nap, food, wonderful. And I do this seven days a week.” “Yacov, you’re so lucky. Heaven must be wonderful.” “Who’s in heaven? I’m in a bull in Montana.”|
|An old Jewish woman, on her 80th birthday, decides to prepare her last will and testament. She goes to the rabbi to show it to him and to ask him for advice on a few points, chief amongst them is her request that she not be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
"But why Mrs. Epstein?" the rabbi asks. "You don't want to be buried with the rest of our people?"
"No," Mrs. Epstein said resolutely. "I want to be buried at Bloomingdales."
"Bloomingdales?!" the rabbi said in disbelief.
"Yes. Then I'll be sure that my daughters will visit me at least twice a week!"
|A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine
If you want varnishkas, press 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.
|Good News.You can eat at McDonalds on Yom Kippur. They serve
| Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street.
Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.
Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."
|An old one, a long one, but a good one. I read it in a book a few years ago.
Old Saul was 98 years old with aches and pains. He looked at himself in the mirror one day and said to his pathetic reflection: "Saul, you used to be so strong and handsome! Where did it all go wrong? Is it too late to change?"
From that moment, Saul turned his life around. He hydrated constantly, he went for walks, he stopped eating junk, he lifted weights and he became a new man.
No one called him "Old Saul" anymore, now they just called him "Saul." When he bought his groceries, he had to flash his ID to get his senior's discount.
Then one day, he made some chitchat with a young woman at a coffee shop and she gave him her number. (Saul nearly had a heart attack, he was so shocked!) He phoned her up and they agreed to go on a date the next day.
It would be Saul's first time dating a woman that much younger than he and he didn't want to take any chances of it going wrong. He went to his barber for the best haircut. He went to his tailor for the best suit. He went to a car dealership and bought a Cadillac.
The next day, Saul got ready for his date. He combed his hair, he passed the lint-roller over his suit, and he walked to his new Cadillac.
It had rained that afternoon and a truck-driving putz drove through a mud puddle, splashing disgusting road fluid all over Saul's hair, suit and car.
Saul shook his fist to the sky and yelled: "G-d, I've been alive 98 years! Of all the days I've been alive, why did you decide that today would be the day that this happened to me?!"
G-d looked upon Saul, took a moment, and replied: "sorry, Saul, I didn't recognize you!"
|Mr. Goldberg, old is on his deathbed. His three sons have flown in from all parts of the country to be with him. The father sits straight up in bed and says, "oh, I smell your mother's apple strudel, please go and get me a slice." The eldest son goes down to the kitchen but returns with nothing. The father says nu where is my strudel? The son answers, mom said it was for the Shiva.|
|So Kate Middleton is to visit the Royal Jewish Memorial Hospital in London. The director tells everyone including the patients about this and says to them to obviously show utmost respect, no swearing, good manners etc. The next day she arrives and is walking through various wards enquiring about some patients conditions etc. She eventually stops at Yitsies bed and asks him why he is in hospital, so Yitsie says "well your highness, I have the terrible rash on my penis". The whole hospital goes silent and the director apologises profusely and quickly ushers Kate out of the ward. After she leaves the director come back to Yitsies bed and really let's him have it about no manners, rude behaviour etc and said he should have used some tact and said that he had a rash on his thigh or wherever. Yitsie apologises. As luck would have it the next day Prince William also arrives at the same hospital and would you believe it, he also stops at Yitsies bed and asks him why he is in hospital. The whole hospital holds its breath and he answers " I have this terrible rash on the lower half of my body," to which Prince William replies; "it seems to have spread since my wife was here yesterday"|
|Devorah, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, Moishe comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.
She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
"I can see your feet. We're out of chopped liver; I'll be back in five minutes."
Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on the evening of Shabbat. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment.
The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."
A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much happier, as he had been the week before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes."
| Yitz and Sam are having a conversation.
Yitz asks Sam what time it is.
Sam answers him and asks Yitz why he doesn't have a watch.
Yitz answers that he doesn't need one since he could always ask
someone else for the time.
"But, what do you do if you get up during the night and you want to
know what time it is", asks Sam.
"I have a shofar." answers Yitz.
"A shofar? How's that going to help?, asks Sam.
"Simple", answers Yitz.
" I just open the window and start blowing. Soon the neighbors start
yelling. Are You crazy, at 3:00 O'clock in the morning!"
Bowing to intense pressure, Jews have announced today that they would no longer control the world.
Many Jews expressed relief that they could give up burdensome responsibilities. Retired accountant Jerry Friedman who controls all media in Montana, said, “I would just as well let the citizens of Montana manage their own TV and newspapers. Don’t get the wrong idea, Montana is a fine state, but it gets awfully cold, and there’s nowhere to find a good bagel.”
Attorney Alan Franks said he’s glad to no longer manage Bulgaria’s monetary policy. “It was getting to be quite a hassle,” he said. “I already have a full time job and can’t even balance my own checkbook, let alone manage the finances of an entire nation.”
Homemaker Judy Levine said she would,”..miss the hustle and bustle of setting the international price for magnesium every day. But my son is about to be Bar Mitzva’d and oy! Such a party we’re gonna have you wouldn’t believe.”
Hollywood producer Sidney Greenbaum was pessimistic about the announcement. “Do you really think goyem know how to make movies?” he asked. “They’ll all end up being high budget technicolor snuff flicks, if you leave things up to them.”
Comedy experts expressed concern that the business would suffer if Jews suddenly withdrew. According to one insider, “Take away all the Jewish comics and writers, and all you have left is Carrot Top. That’s not a world I want to live in.”
Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in white gowns, they entered the chapel where the Mother Superior was waiting to perform the ceremony to marry them to Jesus. As the ceremony was about to begin, four Chassidic Jews, with skullcaps, long sideburns, long beards and carting prayer books came in and sat down in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, “I am honored that you should want to share this experience with us, and you are welcomed, but do you mind if my curiosity gets the better of me and I ask you why you came?”
One of the Chassids looked up and said, “We’re from the groom’s side.”
| David received a parrot for his Bar Mitzvah. This parrot had one bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. David tried to teach him manners, but the bird just got ruder and cruder. Desperate, David put him in the freezer to cool him off. He heard squawking, then quiet. Frightened, David quickly opened the freezer.
The parrot calmly walked out and said: "I'm sorry I offended you, Master David. I shall go to synagogue, pray, and modify my behavior.” Before David could ask about this astounding change, the parrot continued, "Sir ... may I ask what the Empire chicken did ?
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