harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 8
Dear Sir Punishment Russian Jews Jews in Space
The Medallion Plot Resolution Twenty Dollars Syrian Airliner
Jewish Punishment Paratrooper in Israel The Chanukah Song
Pesach in Hebrew School Problem with Jewish Food
Pronouncing the Name of the Holiday Yiddish Proverbs / Folk-Sayings

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Yiddish Proverbs / Folk-Sayings
If they give you--take; if they take from you--yell!
Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers.
Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.
Cancer--schmancer! -- as long as you're healthy.
Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.
If one person tells you that you have ass's ears, take no notice; should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself.
You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.
If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.
You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind.
Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up late.
One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie in bed until noon.
For dying, you always have time.
When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.
Silence is the fence around wisdom.
Jews in Space
The first 3-man space shuttle came splashing down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull picked up the capsule.

The first man who got out of the capsule was Protestant and his minister asked him, "How was it, my son?" The Protestant astronaut answered with a big healthy smile, "It was truly a great experience." The second man was Catholic and when he emerged from the capsule his priest blessed him and asked him, "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost --How was it?" He replied, "It was fabulous, Father!" The third man was Jewish and with great effort left the space ship. He was still huffing and puffing as his Rabbi came up to him and asked, "How come -- nu, what happened? The other two astronauts came out composed and refreshed -- and you, nu?"

The Jewish astronaut answered, breathing heavily, "Every 90 minutes, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv!"

Dear Sir
When an Orthodox Jew talks to G-d he says: "Ribono Shel Olam" (Master of the World).
When a Conservative Jew is in touch with G-d he says: "Avinu Malkeinu" (Our Father, Our King).
A Reform Jew addresses G-d as:    "Oh L-rd, Thou art One."
A Reconstructionist says: "To whom it may concern."
Paratrooper in Israel
An American Paratrooper named Mike O'Brien decided to join the Israeli Air Force. Things were just too quiet in the States. He explained that he had lots of experience and was raring to go.

 The following Thursday he is outfitted with a parachute and told they were going to jump over th Golan Heights. He asked, "Where is the second chute?"  The officer in charge told him only one was necessary.   He asked,  "What do I do if it doesn't open?"  The officer said "you say the Shema and you have nothing to worry about". He asked the officer how to say the Shema, and he practiced it diligently.

 Sure enough his first time out the chute doesn't open. He says the Shema and an enormous hand suddenly appears and catches him and gently lowers him to the ground. On his way down he is so stunned by the enormity of it all he says, "Jesus Christ!" The hand turns over and drops him out.

Pronouncing the Name of the Holiday
 As we are coming up on High Holidays, it's time once again to explain the correct naming of the holiday Yom Kippur.  Studies have shown that how a person pronounces this is an uncanny indicator of their socioeconomic status.
 For example, a person who own a Geo Metro or Kia normally pronounces it "Yahm Kipp' er"
 A person who owns a Cadilac normally says "Yohm' KeePoor'"
 While the driver of the Mercedez Benz says "Merry Christmas"
Pesach in Hebrew School
 A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?"
 He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."
 "How?"
 The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up.  Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea.  When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge.  Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."
 The father was shocked.  "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"
 The boy replied, "No.  But you'd never beleive the story he DID tell us!"
Plot Resolution
 Two people had a dispute over a particular burial plot.  Each one claimed the piece of land for himself.  The men presented their arguments to the rabbi, and left the final decision up to him.
After a while, the rabbi said to them, "It is a very difficult case.   Each one of you has very good arguments.  Thus, I decree that whoever dies first will have the right to this burial place".
 From then on, they stopped fighting ...
Problem with Jewish Food
Two Chinese men are coming out of a Jewish restaurant, and one says to the other: "The problem with Jewish food is that two days later, you're hungry again"
Punishment
 Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking inthe company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on theevening of the Sabbath.  The Rabbi called them into his study the next day.Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that theydeserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen andbrought back two bags of dried peas.  "Put these in your shoes," he toldthem, "and walk on them for a week, to remiond yourself how hard life canbe when you turn away from  the Law."

 A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had darkcircles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as hehad been the week before.  "Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn'tyou do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes."

 "Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" Hestarted to walk away, paused and then said "But I boiled them first."

The Medallion
A priest has no money to pay the cabbie, who is Jewish, so he gives him his medallion.
Cabbie goes to Orthodox Rabbi: "Rabbi, please make a b'rucha over my medallion"
Orthodox Rabbi: "What's a medallion?"
Cabbie to Conservative Rabbi: "Rabbi, please make a b'rucha over my medallion"
Conservative Rabbi: "What's a medallion?"
Cabbie to Reform Rabbi: "Rabbi, please make a b'rucha over my medallion"
Reform Rabbi: "What's a b'rucha?"
(For the non-Jews among us, a b'rucha is a blessing)
Jewish Punishment
Rabbi Finkelstein was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn't play he would get withdrawal symptoms.

One Yom Kippur, Rabbi Finkelstein thought to himself, "Who is it going to get hurt if during the recess I go out and play a few rounds, nobody will be the wiser and I'll be back in time for services". Sure enough, at the conclusion of the Ma'ariv service, Rabbi Finkelstein snuck out of the
Synagogue and headed straight for the golf course. Looking down upon him were Moshe Rabeinu and G-d. Moshe said, "Look what that man is doing and a Rabbi in Israel at that". G-d replied, "I'll teach him a lesson" On the course itself Rabbi Finkelstein teed off and when he hit the ball, it careened of a tree, struck a rock, flew across a stream and landed in the hole for a HOLE IN ONE! Seeing all this Moshe yelled, "G-d, this is how you're going to teach him a lesson; he got a hole in one.

"Sure", said G-d, "but who is he going to tell?"

Twenty Dollars
It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children.  On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was a sign:

One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today! Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth.  "And here's the hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them. "Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's." "How much is it?" "Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least eighty five." Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her. The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts.  I already have most of the money, but I need a little more." "How much more?" "Twenty five dollars." Feldman handed over the money. "Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress, I'll simply die." "Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?" "Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear."

Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!"

Syrian Airliner
The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the mideast OTHER than Israel." No answer.

A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel." No answer from anyone. A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel.
Still no answer from anyone. Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the mid-East, INCLUDING Israel. Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit: "This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help." "God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, what should we do?"

Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitgadash..."

Russian Jews
 One cold winter, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop would have meat for sale the next day. By very early the next morning, a long queue had formed outside of the butcher shop.

 At 8 o'clock an official came out briefly and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here. Would all of the Jews leave?"  They did, and the line was shortened somewhat.  At 11 o'clock the official came out again and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's still not enough meat for all. Would all of the non-party members please leave?"  They did, and the line was shortened again.  At 2 o'clock, the official came out again. "There's still not enough meat for all of you! Would all those who did not defend our great country from the fascist German intruder leave?"  Once again, the line was considerably shortened.  At 5 o'clock, the official announcement was, "There's still not enough! Would all those who did not participate in the liberation of our people from the terrors of the Czar leave!"  This included just about everybody.  Finally, at 8 o'clock in the evening, the official came out again. The only people left in line were three half-frozen old men. He told them, "There isn't any meat."

 The old men moved slowly away, grumbling among themselves - "Those Jews get the best of everything!!"

The Chanukah Song
Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee Roth lights the menorah
So do Kirk Douglas, James Caan and the late Dina Shore-ah Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzarelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew
You don't need "Deck the Halls" or "Jingle Bell Rock"
'Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock --
both Jewish! Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs
Celebrates Chanukah O.J. Simpson,......NOT A JEW!
But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew -- he converted.
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish -- not too shabby! Some people think that Ebeneezer Scrooge is, well he's not, but guess who is
All Three Stooges!
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope I get a harmonicah
On this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your MARIJUANICA
if you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah
Happy Chanukah everybody!

top
 
star bar
Jewish Humor
Jewish Women
Schmooze News
Israeli History in a Nutshell
star Home/Principle
History of Israel
All Things Jewish
Jewish Communities of the World
Site Designed and Maintained by
Haruth Communications