|Dear Sir||Punishment||Russian Jews||Jews in Space|
|The Medallion||Plot Resolution||Twenty Dollars||Syrian Airliner|
|Jewish Punishment||Paratrooper in Israel||The Chanukah Song|
|Pesach in Hebrew School||Problem with Jewish Food|
|Pronouncing the Name of the Holiday||Yiddish Proverbs / Folk-Sayings|
|Yiddish Proverbs / Folk-Sayings|
| If they give you--take; if they take from
Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers.
Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.
Cancer--schmancer! -- as long as you're healthy.
Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.
If one person tells you that you have ass's ears, take no notice; should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself.
You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.
If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.
You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind.
Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up late.
One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie in bed until noon.
For dying, you always have time.
When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.
Silence is the fence around wisdom.
|Jews in Space|
| The first 3-man space shuttle came splashing
down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull picked
up the capsule.
The first man who got out of the capsule was Protestant and his minister asked him, "How was it, my son?" The Protestant astronaut answered with a big healthy smile, "It was truly a great experience." The second man was Catholic and when he emerged from the capsule his priest blessed him and asked him, "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost --How was it?" He replied, "It was fabulous, Father!" The third man was Jewish and with great effort left the space ship. He was still huffing and puffing as his Rabbi came up to him and asked, "How come -- nu, what happened? The other two astronauts came out composed and refreshed -- and you, nu?"
The Jewish astronaut answered, breathing heavily, "Every 90 minutes, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv, shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv!"
an Orthodox Jew talks to G-d he says: "Ribono Shel Olam" (Master of the
When a Conservative Jew is in touch with G-d he says: "Avinu Malkeinu" (Our Father, Our King).
A Reform Jew addresses G-d as: "Oh L-rd, Thou art One."
A Reconstructionist says: "To whom it may concern."
|Paratrooper in Israel|
| An American Paratrooper named Mike O'Brien
decided to join the Israeli Air Force. Things were just too quiet in the States.
He explained that he had lots of experience and
was raring to go.
The following Thursday he is outfitted with a parachute and told they were going to jump over th Golan Heights. He asked, "Where is the second chute?" The officer in charge told him only one was necessary. He asked, "What do I do if it doesn't open?" The officer said "you say the Shema and you have nothing to worry about". He asked the officer how to say the Shema, and he practiced it diligently.
Sure enough his first time out the chute doesn't open. He says the Shema and an enormous hand suddenly appears and catches him and gently lowers him to the ground. On his way down he is so stunned by the enormity of it all he says, "Jesus Christ!" The hand turns over and drops him out.
|Pronouncing the Name of the Holiday|
| As we are coming up on High Holidays,
it's time once again to explain the correct naming of
the holiday Yom Kippur. Studies have shown that how a person pronounces
this is an uncanny indicator of their socioeconomic status.
For example, a person who own a Geo Metro or Kia normally pronounces it "Yahm Kipp' er"
A person who owns a Cadilac normally says "Yohm' KeePoor'"
While the driver of the Mercedez Benz says "Merry Christmas"
|Pesach in Hebrew School|
| A little boy once returned home from
Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn
He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."
The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."
The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"
The boy replied, "No. But you'd never beleive the story he DID tell us!"
| Two people had a dispute over a particular
burial plot. Each one claimed the piece of land
for himself. The men presented their arguments to the rabbi, and left the
final decision up to him.
After a while, the rabbi said to them, "It is a very difficult case. Each one of you has very good arguments. Thus, I decree that whoever dies first will have the right to this burial place".
From then on, they stopped fighting ...
|Problem with Jewish Food|
|Two Chinese men are coming out of a Jewish restaurant, and one says to the other: "The problem with Jewish food is that two days later, you're hungry again"|
| Two rabbinical students were caught
by the Rabbi gambling and drinking inthe company of undesirable characters --
even before the sun set on theevening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called
them into his study the next day.Both confessed to having given in to weakness,
and admitted that theydeserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into
his kitchen andbrought back two bags of dried
peas. "Put these in your shoes," he toldthem, "and walk on them for a week,
to remiond yourself how hard life canbe when you turn away from the Law."
A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had darkcircles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as hehad been the week before. "Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn'tyou do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes."
"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" Hestarted to walk away, paused and then said "But I boiled them first."
| A priest has no money to pay the cabbie,
who is Jewish, so he gives him his medallion.
Cabbie goes to Orthodox Rabbi: "Rabbi, please make a b'rucha over my medallion"
Orthodox Rabbi: "What's a medallion?"
Cabbie to Conservative Rabbi: "Rabbi, please make a b'rucha over my medallion"
Conservative Rabbi: "What's a medallion?"
Cabbie to Reform Rabbi: "Rabbi, please make a b'rucha over my medallion"
Reform Rabbi: "What's a b'rucha?"
(For the non-Jews among us, a b'rucha is a blessing)
| Rabbi Finkelstein was an avid golfer and
played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that if he didn't
play he would get withdrawal symptoms.
One Yom Kippur, Rabbi Finkelstein
thought to himself, "Who is it going to get hurt if during the recess I go out and
play a few rounds, nobody will be the wiser and I'll be back in time for
services". Sure enough, at the conclusion of the Ma'ariv service, Rabbi
Finkelstein snuck out of the
"Sure", said G-d, "but who is he going to tell?"
was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging
home. "Where will I get money to buy presents
for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking of his
wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was
One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today! Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them. "Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's." "How much is it?" "Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least eighty five." Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her. The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more." "How much more?" "Twenty five dollars." Feldman handed over the money. "Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress, I'll simply die." "Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?" "Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear."
Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!"
captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 announcing we have lost an engine
and want to land at any airport in the mideast OTHER than Israel." No answer.
A short while later he announces, "This
is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission
to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel." No answer from
anyone. A while later the pilot announces, "This
is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines
and need permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER
Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitgadash..."
cold winter, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop would have
meat for sale the next day. By very early the next morning, a long queue
had formed outside of the butcher shop.
At 8 o'clock an official came out briefly and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here. Would all of the Jews leave?" They did, and the line was shortened somewhat. At 11 o'clock the official came out again and announced, "Well, comrades, I'm afraid there's still not enough meat for all. Would all of the non-party members please leave?" They did, and the line was shortened again. At 2 o'clock, the official came out again. "There's still not enough meat for all of you! Would all those who did not defend our great country from the fascist German intruder leave?" Once again, the line was considerably shortened. At 5 o'clock, the official announcement was, "There's still not enough! Would all those who did not participate in the liberation of our people from the terrors of the Czar leave!" This included just about everybody. Finally, at 8 o'clock in the evening, the official came out again. The only people left in line were three half-frozen old men. He told them, "There isn't any meat."
The old men moved slowly away, grumbling among themselves - "Those Jews get the best of everything!!"
|The Chanukah Song|
| Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town
without a Christmas tree
Tell your friend Veronica
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