|Grandmother's Talmud||Jewish Mothers||Sex on Shabbat|
|If you are an Aspiring Jew or Marrying into a Jewish Family|
|The flasher walks up to a little Jewish lady in New York and opens his raincoat wide. She says "And you think that raincoat has a nice lining let me tell you my husband's raincoat has a much nicer lining than that...."|
|"The most remarkable thing about my mother
is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original
meal has never been found." -Calvin Trillin
"Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us forty years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil." -Golda Mier
"Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish Mother." -Peter Malkin
"I was raised in the Jewish radition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on Saturday and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday." -Woody Allen
|The Eternal Jewish Truths or Your Grandmother's Talmud:|
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist
sees the hole. If you can't say something nice, say it in
|What do Jewish mothers and 60 Minutes have
They both begin with tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk I'll Take The Dog.....
What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?
Eventually the Rottweiler lets go...
Nothing Makes Her Happy!
Q: "How many Jewish Mothers does it take
to change light-bulb?"
|MAID IN HEAVEN: A JEWISH BETROTHAL GUIDE GETTING ENGAGED|
|It is customary for the groom to buy his
bride a diamond engagement ring. In traditional circles, this kind of custom
is called _yehareg ve-al ya'avor_, i.e., highly recommended. Our Sages have also
established a formula to determine how much one should
spend on the ring:
1) take the amount you can afford;
2) multiply by eighteen;
3) that is how much you must spend. The ring symbolizes many things. First, a ring has the form of a link in a chain. This symbolizes that marriage chains a man and deprives him of his liberty. As our Sages teach: "Who is a free man? One who eludes marriage" (_Avot de-Robbie Benson_ 8:4).
The ring is a circle that has no beginning and no end, which is how marriage feels after a couple of years. This also alludes to Talmud Torah (Torah study), which is also endless, all the more so because a man won't learn much once he marries. Of course, a ring is not essential, any piece of jewelry that fits the above requirements will be fine. The time has now come to plan the wedding.
man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he looks up
and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes
she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation
washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious
to strike up a conversation, he blurts out "So where are you flying today?" She turns and smiles and
says, "to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard, and
is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever
seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role
at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." Really, he says, swallowing hard. And what myths are those? She explains: Well, one popular myth is that African- American men are the most well-endowed men, when in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to posses this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually, it is men of Jewish decent who romance women best on average. Very interesting the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. I'm sorry, she says, I feel so awkward discussing this with you and I don't even know your name! The man extends his hand and warmly replies, Tonto, Tonto Goldstein.
|Sex on Shabbat|
man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure
if sex is work or play.
He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to minister a married man, experienced for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply "Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies," Rabbi, how can
you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
|A Jew and a Chinese|
|A Jew and a Chinese were having lunch in
a fast food place and the Jew suddenly got up walked over to the Chinese and
knocked him off his stool onto the floor.
The Chinese man got up shook himself off and said why did you do that?
The Jew said that's to pay you back for Pearl Harbor.
The Chinese man yelled but I didn't have any thing to do with that, I'm Chinese, that was the Japanese.
The Jew said, Chinese, Japanese, Tiawanese they all sound the same to me.
Suddenly the Chinese man socked the Jew and knocked him down.
He got up dusted himself off and said what was that for?
That was for the Titanic.
The Titanic, we didn't have any thing to do with that, the Titanic hit an iceberg.
Ha Goldberg, Rosenberg, Iceberg, there all the same to me.
|Noah's Ark... If it happened today|
| And the Lord spoke
to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth
is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save
a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am
commanding you to build an Ark."And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the
specifications for an Ark." Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling
with the blueprints."Six months, and it starts to
rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to
swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall.The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark."Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems.
First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group.They objected to me taking only two of each kind." Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new floodplain. I sent them a globe."Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled."You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "Your government already has."
|A middle aged woman has a heart attack and
is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees G-d and asks if this is it.
G-d says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of G-d and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".
G-d replies, "I didn't recognize you."
stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was followed
a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He
immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured
the bartender would do him a favor. "Jack, here's a twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning
over the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly."
"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer gave me some Jewish fly."
"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"
"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find out?"
The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink.
She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man.
She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg. "You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight."
"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.
"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"
God looks over the millions of people and says "Welcome to Heaven.
I want the women to go with Saint Peter, and the men to form two lines.
Make one line of the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other of men who were dominated by their women."
There's much movement, but eventually
the women are gone and there are two lines.
The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
A blind man is sitting on
a park bench.
A Rabbi sits down next to him.
The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah.
Taking pity on the blind man,
he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.
Several minutes later, the blind man turns,
taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks,
"Who wrote this crap?"
|The Priest's Bicycle|
|The Rabbi and the Priest met every Sunday
at 2 PM in the park to talk over the week's event sat. They rode their bicycles
to a special bench every Sunday for twenty years.
One Sunday the Rabbi got to bench exactly
at 2 and waited and waited. An hour went by and the Priest was still not
there.The Rabbi rode home and called the Priest
on the phone. "Hey, Father, what happened?" The Rabbi asked. "For twenty
years we've met at the park every Sunday but today you didn't show up. What's
wrong? "Well Rabbi," the priest explained, "after church today I went out
to get my bike to meet you but my bike was missing. I know it must have
been someone in my parish who took it. Rabbi, What should
I do?" Well, that's quite a dilemma,
Father." The Rabbi said thoughtfully, "I'll tell you what you should do. Next
Sunday when you give your sermon, speak of the Ten Commandments. When you get
to the part about "Thou Shall Not Steal," look over your congregation and
the person with the guilty look will be the one who stole your bicycle
The following Sunday at 2 the Rabbi was already waiting for the priest.
"Well, not quite, "the Priest intoned. "I was going through the Ten Commandments as you suggested. But when I got to the part about "Thou shalt not commit Adultery, "I remembered where Left my bike."
|Game of Golf|
|The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one ofthe Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewishand Catholic faiths." The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held agolf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal whocan represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But, headded, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer whois a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then askhim to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. Inaddition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win thematch." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Ofcourse, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after thematch, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of theresult. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," saidthe golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said thePope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even thoughI've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, thiswas the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspiredfrom above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurateand purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect,my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by threestrokes."|
|If you are an Aspiring Jew|
you are an Aspiring Jew or marrying into a Jewish family, there are certain
things you must know to survive. Take this quiz to see if you've learned
enough to function in your new Jewish family:
1. There are no Jews
2. The cleaning lady in
a Jewish household is expected to:
3. To make a good pet for
a Jewish child, an animal must be:
4. Jews spend their
A Jewish mouth never
6. If there's a hairdresser in
your immediate family, you are:
7. Wilderness means
8. The most popular outdoor sport
among Jews is:
9. Jews never drive
10. A truly unsuitable
gift for a Jewish person is
11. A Jewish skydiver
12. Jews never eat at
13. No Jewish person in history
has ever been known to
14. There is no such thing as
15. Jews never sing
16. You won't catch a Jewish person
17. Jews are ambivalent
Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c" .
39-41: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you.
29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to.
17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying a Denny's franchise.top
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