Haruth.Com's Jewish Humor 9

Jewish Humor 9

Game of Golf	Tonto	Blind Man
Maid in Heaven	Face Lift	Jewish Fly
The Priest's Bicycle	Domination	Noah's Ark
A Jew and a Chinese	Jewish Quotes	The Flasher
Grandmother's Talmud	Jewish Mothers	Sex on Shabbat

If you are an Aspiring Jew or Marrying into a Jewish Family

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...

The flasher

The flasher walks up to a little Jewish lady in New York and opens his raincoat wide. She says "And you think that raincoat has a nice lining let me tell you my husband's raincoat has a much nicer lining than that...."

Jewish Quotes

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." -Calvin Trillin

"Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us forty years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil." -Golda Mier

"Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish Mother." -Peter Malkin

"I was raised in the Jewish radition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on Saturday and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday." -Woody Allen

The Eternal Jewish Truths or Your Grandmother's Talmud:

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?
Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
There's nothing like a good belch.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
Never pay retail.
It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.
Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
The most important word to know in any language is sale.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.
What is chutzpah? Reading this entire book in the store and not buying it.

Jewish Mother

What do Jewish mothers and 60 Minutes have in common?
They both begin with tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk I'll Take The Dog.....
What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?
Eventually the Rottweiler lets go...

Nothing Makes Her Happy!
A Jewish mother is worrying day in and day out about her poor son, far away in a college: "Oijvey, will he ever find a nice girl,... will he have enough to eat,...will he be cold at night?" While worrying she decides to, at least, buy and send him two warm flannel shirts. A couple of months later he travels back to New York and sees his mother. After many hours on a bus he arrives Erev-Shabbat at her door and thinks: "Wait, maybe I should wear one of the shirts she sent me! Surely this makes her happy!" He puts on the shirt, rings the door bell and his mother opens: "Jankel!" "Mammele!" "Jankel, I am sooooo happy to see you! And you even wear one of the shirts I sent you!" "But tell me one thing: You didn't like the other shirt?!?!"

Q: "How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change light-bulb?"
A: None: "It's okay, I will sit here in the dark..."

MAID IN HEAVEN: A JEWISH BETROTHAL GUIDE GETTING ENGAGED

It is customary for the groom to buy his bride a diamond engagement ring. In traditional circles, this kind of custom is called _yehareg ve-al ya'avor_, i.e., highly recommended. Our Sages have also established a formula to determine how much one should spend on the ring:
1) take the amount you can afford;
2) multiply by eighteen;
3) that is how much you must spend. The ring symbolizes many things. First, a ring has the form of a link in a chain. This symbolizes that marriage chains a man and deprives him of his liberty. As our Sages teach: "Who is a free man? One who eludes marriage" (_Avot de-Robbie Benson_ 8:4).

The ring is a circle that has no beginning and no end, which is how marriage feels after a couple of years. This also alludes to Talmud Torah (Torah study), which is also endless, all the more so because a man won't learn much once he marries. Of course, a ring is not essential, any piece of jewelry that fits the above requirements will be fine. The time has now come to plan the wedding.

PLANNING THE WEDDING
There are many myths about Jewish weddings, and they must be dispelled. Many people think that a Jewish wedding must be lavish, with expensive clothes, endless food and a seven-piece band. This is not a myth; this is TRUE. The myth is that the wedding is for the bride and groom. In fact, the wedding is for their parents. This is why three-fourths of the guests are people the bride and groom do not know. Many of these are relatives neither the bride nor groom knew existed. In halakhah (Jewish law), these people are called "wedding relatives." It is forbidden to interact with such relatives except at the wedding of one's children.

SPIRITUAL PURIFICATION
Before the marriage can be consummated, the bride must immerse in a mikveh (ritual pool). This ritual is neither embarrassing nor demeaning to women. Chasidim do it every day. Immersion in the mikveh symbolizes spiritual rebirth. It represents purity and ritual cleanliness. Nevertheless, the custom is for the mikveh water to be cloudy, gray, and have little things floating in it. This custom goes back to the time when women immersed in outdoor rivers, braving frostbite, pneumonia, and the occasional peeping Tom. Some point out that the Hebrew word mikveh is related to the word tikvah, meaning hope. This alludes to the fact that women who use the mikveh hope they won't contract anything bacterial from the water.

Tonto

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he looks up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out "So where are you flying today?" She turns and smiles and says, "to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard, and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." Really, he says, swallowing hard. And what myths are those? She explains: Well, one popular myth is that African- American men are the most well-endowed men, when in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to posses this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually, it is men of Jewish decent who romance women best on average. Very interesting the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. I'm sorry, she says, I feel so awkward discussing this with you and I don't even know your name! The man extends his hand and warmly replies, Tonto, Tonto Goldstein.

Sex on Shabbat

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?"
He goes to minister a married man, experienced for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply "Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!"
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge...A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!"
The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work my wife would have the housekeeper do it."

A Jew and a Chinese

A Jew and a Chinese were having lunch in a fast food place and the Jew suddenly got up walked over to the Chinese and knocked him off his stool onto the floor.
The Chinese man got up shook himself off and said why did you do that?
The Jew said that's to pay you back for Pearl Harbor.
The Chinese man yelled but I didn't have any thing to do with that, I'm Chinese, that was the Japanese.
The Jew said, Chinese, Japanese, Tiawanese they all sound the same to me.
Suddenly the Chinese man socked the Jew and knocked him down.
He got up dusted himself off and said what was that for?
That was for the Titanic.
The Titanic, we didn't have any thing to do with that, the Titanic hit an iceberg.
Ha Goldberg, Rosenberg, Iceberg, there all the same to me.

Noah's Ark... If it happened today

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark."And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark." Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints."Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall.The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark."Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems.

First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group.They objected to me taking only two of each kind." Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new floodplain. I sent them a globe."Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled."You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "Your government already has."

Face Lift

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees G-d and asks if this is it.

G-d says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of G-d and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".

G-d replies, "I didn't recognize you."

Jewish Fly

A stunningly beautiful woman walked into a bar and sat down. She was followed a few minutes later by a man who took a seat at the end of the bar. He immediately noticed the beauty and, since this was his local hangout, figured the bartender would do him a favor. "Jack, here's a twenty-dollar bill," whispered the man, leaning over the bar, "slip her some Spanish fly."
"I don't have any Spanish fly," said the bartender, "but a customer gave me some Jewish fly."
"Jewish fly!" exclaimed the man, "what does THAT do?"
"I don't know," answered the bartender. "Why don't we try it and find out?"
The next time the woman needed a refill, the bartender put the Jewish fly powder in her drink.
She finished the drink, and a few minutes later got up and sidled over to the man.
She put her arm around his shoulder, put her other hand on his knee, and began to rub the inside of his leg. "You attract me," she purred. "I'd like to do something with you tonight."
"Honey, I'll do anything you want," gasped the man.
"Great! Take me shopping at Bloomingdale's!"

Domination

Armageddon comes.
God looks over the millions of people and says "Welcome to Heaven.
I want the women to go with Saint Peter, and the men to form two lines.
Make one line of the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other of men who were dominated by their women."

There's much movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated is 100 miles long.
The line of men that dominated women has only one man. God gets angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!" He turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"

The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Blind Man

A blind man is sitting on a park bench.
A Rabbi sits down next to him.
The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah.
Taking pity on the blind man,
he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man.
Several minutes later, the blind man turns,
taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks,
"Who wrote this crap?"

The Priest's Bicycle

The Rabbi and the Priest met every Sunday at 2 PM in the park to talk over the week's event sat. They rode their bicycles to a special bench every Sunday for twenty years.

One Sunday the Rabbi got to bench exactly at 2 and waited and waited. An hour went by and the Priest was still not there.The Rabbi rode home and called the Priest on the phone. "Hey, Father, what happened?" The Rabbi asked. "For twenty years we've met at the park every Sunday but today you didn't show up. What's wrong? "Well Rabbi," the priest explained, "after church today I went out to get my bike to meet you but my bike was missing. I know it must have been someone in my parish who took it. Rabbi, What should I do?" Well, that's quite a dilemma, Father." The Rabbi said thoughtfully, "I'll tell you what you should do. Next Sunday when you give your sermon, speak of the Ten Commandments. When you get to the part about "Thou Shall Not Steal," look over your congregation and the person with the guilty look will be the one who stole your bicycle The following Sunday at 2 the Rabbi was already waiting for the priest.
Promptly at 2 up rode the Priest on his bike. "Well Father, my idea must have worked, "the Rabbi said.

"Well, not quite, "the Priest intoned. "I was going through the Ten Commandments as you suggested. But when I got to the part about "Thou shalt not commit Adultery, "I remembered where Left my bike."

Game of Golf

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one ofthe Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewishand Catholic faiths." The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held agolf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal whocan represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But, headded, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer whois a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then askhim to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. Inaddition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win thematch." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Ofcourse, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after thematch, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of theresult. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," saidthe golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said thePope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even thoughI've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, thiswas the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspiredfrom above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurateand purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect,my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by threestrokes."

If you are an Aspiring Jew

If you are an Aspiring Jew or marrying into a Jewish family, there are certain things you must know to survive. Take this quiz to see if you've learned enough to function in your new Jewish family:

1. There are no Jews living in
a. sin
b. El Paso
c. trailer parks

2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
a. do windows
b. make latkes
c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
a. gentle
b. housebroken
c. stuffed

4. Jews spend their vacations:
a. sightseeing
b. sunbathing
c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next

5. A Jewish mouth never
a. lies
b. closes
c. contains gold teeth

6. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are:
a. up on the newest styles
b. entitle to free haircuts
c. not Jewish

7. Wilderness means
a. no running water
b. no electricity
c. no hot and sour soup

8. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
a. jogging
b. tennis
c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

9. Jews never drive
a. unsafely
b. on Saturdays
c. eighteen wheelers

10. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
a. Easter lilies
b. a crucifix
c. a Zippo lighter

11. A Jewish skydiver is
a. careful
b. insured
c. an apparition

12. Jews never eat at restaurants that
a. aren't kosher
b. cost too much
c. have paintings for sale

13. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
a. become a prostitute
b. deface a synagogue
c. remove the back of a TV set

14. There is no such thing as a Jewish
a. black belt
b. obscene caller
c. toll collector

15. Jews never sing
a. off-key
b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
c. around a piano bar

16. You won't catch a Jewish person on a
a. horse
b. backhoe
c. toot

17. Jews are ambivalent about
a. vegetarianism
b. Jesse Jackson
c. absolutely nothing

Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c" .

39-41: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you.

29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to.

17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying a Denny's franchise.

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