|Teed Off||Backward||Local Call||Son-In-Law|
|Home, Sweet Home||Good News & Bad News|
|Its Never Too Late|
pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old
fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went
to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How
come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected G-d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that G-d is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I don't want to remind Him."
| Cohen & Levy are both
in the antique business across the street from each other, and have been
for years. Cohen hates Levy - he thinks he's a gonniff & a liar & an
ignorant bum, and says so publicly. Levy thinks the same about Cohen.
One day Levy leaves the door open to his shop and goes out for a few minutes. Cohen takes the opportunity to walk across the street and steal a magic lantern Levy has in the window. He gets it back to his shop and can't resist rubbing it. Naturally a genie pops out of the lantern.
"Cohen", says the genie, "because you have released me from a thousand years of confinement in the lantern, I will grant you one wish - anything you want - money, power, fame, anything. But because the lamp belongs to Levy, whatever it is you get, Levy will get twice as much."
"You mean," says Cohen, "if I ask for a million dollars, Levy gets two million?"
"That's right," says the genie, "and if you ask for a beautiful woman, Levy gets two beautiful women."
"All right, genie," says Cohen. "I know what I want."
"I wish I were half dead."
|What's For Dinner?|
main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes.
Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."
|Mr. Shwartz goes to meet
his new son-in-law to be, Sol.
He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol my boy what do you do?
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says G-d will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Shwartz.
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says G-d will provide."
Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.
"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm G-d."
|Home, Sweet Home|
good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked his sons to take
to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to the United States."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"
|To Err Is Human|
the Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi. The Executive Committee
and one-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let him go. Trouble
was - who'd want to take him - especially if it got out that he'd been
So the Executive Committee decided to give him a glowing letter of recommendation. It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself. The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the Rabbi succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a major upwardly-mobile Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with three junior Rabbis working under him.
Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new employers began to observe some of his imperfections. The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit angrily called the President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed this man mostly on the basis of your recommendation. How could you possibly compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself, when he can't string together a correct sentence in English, when his knowledge of Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of everything
else, he's a liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life ?"
"Simple," answered his colleague. "Like Shakespeare he has no Hebrew or Jewish knowledge. Like Moses, he can't speak English, and like G-d Himself - 'Er is nisht kan mentch (He's not a human being!)"
|Good News And Bad News|
was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible: Pharaoh wouldn't
even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making
the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:
"You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news."
Moses was staggered. The voice continued:
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs"
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."
Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic. I can't believe it! --- But what's the bad news?"
"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."
|A Penny Saved|
|Abe's son arrives home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me" he says, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home." "Oy" says Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20"|
| O'reilly and Robinson are
playing golf one day. Neither of them are that good, but while playing,
in the distance they see a Hassid playing and extraordinary game of golf.
O'reilly turns to Robinson and says: Robinson, would you look at that guy
dressed in black... boy how I would like to play golf like him.
The next day, O'reilly and Robinson play again and see the Hassid, again, playing a tremendous game of golf. O'reilly again turns to Robinson and says: "I can't stand this, I really have to find out how that guy dressed in black knows how to play golf so well." "So why don't you ask him," Robinson says. "I will," says O'reilly. O'reilly runs over to the Hassid and says: "Hey, tell me something, how come you play golf so well? I have never ever seen anyone play golf that way, I would give anything to be able to play golf like that." The Hassid answers: It's not so easy my son, you have to work very hard, study many years in a special Yeshiva in Flatbush, pass all your oral exams, become a Jew, then become a learned Rabbi, and only then will you master the game of golf. "Anything it takes," O'reilly insists. He anxiously takes the instructions to the Yeshiva, thanks the Hassid and leaves the golf course. After years of studying, then converting, and becoming a learned Rabbi, O'reilly anxiously returns to the golf course hoping to master the game of golf. He starts his game but doesn't seem to have improved. Actually, he has gotten worse! In the mean time, he sees the same Hassid in the distance playing a perfect game. Mad as hell, he runs over to the Hassid and tells him that he has been studying for years, but that his golf game has not improved, and actually, has gotten worse. The Hassid scratches his head, paces around for a while, and finally says: "Are you sure you studied all the laws and halachas of Judaism at the Shomer Torah Yeshiva that I sent you to in Flatbush?" No, O'reilly exclaimed, "I studied all the laws and halachas of Judaism at the Shomrei Emuna Yeshiva that you sent me to in Flatbush."
"No wonder your golf game hasn't improved," the Hassid signed, "I sent you to the tennis Yeshiva by accident.
|An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man,"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father". The Jewish man thought a second and responded " Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father for many". The Jewish man quickly answered " I to am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?" The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people." The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."|
|Got any Cash?|
| A Lebanese Arab emigrated
to America sixty years ago and accumulated great wealth. Upon his death
the rich man's will stipulated that his hundred million dollar bequest
was to be divided equally among his three closest friends: a Catholic,
A Protestant and a Jew. There was only one small provision: each of the
heirs was required to deposit one hundred thousand dollars in the coffin
before it was lowered into the ground. This act, according to the deceased's
statement, was to prove their good faith while the will was in probate.
As the coffin was about to be closed for the last time, the Catholic quickly deposited his hundred thousand dollars into the casket. The Protestant followed suit and placed his hundred thousand dollars besides the Catholic's money. Then the Jew reached into the coffin, withdrew the two hundred thousand dollars in cash and replaced it with a check for three hundred thousand dollars.
|The Chief Rabbi of Israel
and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy
phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with him.
After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says:
"All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira."
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50"
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?!"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
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