harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 3
All In A Day's Work
Brother Can You Spare a Dime
Chanukah Gelt
Its About Time
Jewish Couple Won
Jewish Origin of High Tech
My Bubbe's Talmud
My Son
Man and Wife
Ouch!
Tashlich - Its Never Too Late To Repent
The Good Book Says
The Great Beyond
Tickets, Anyone
Truer Words Were
Oy Yoy Yoy
What's In A Name?
Yiddish Proverbs

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Brother Can You Spare A Dime?
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"
And G-d said "A minute." Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?" and G-d said: "A  penny" Then the man asked:
"G-d.....can I have a penny?" And  G-d  said:
"Sure.....In a minute."
Jewish Couple Won the Lottery

This Jewish couple won 20 million on the lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury.

They bought a luxurious mansion estate in South Hampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They then decided to hire a butler and they went to London, England. They found the perfect butler and brought him back to the U.S. on the next day, they instructed the butler to set up the Dining room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens over for Dinner, and they will be going out for the day. When the couple returned that evening they found the table set for eight.

They asked the butler why eight when they specifically instructed him to set The table for four? The butler replied: " the Cohen's called and said that They were bringing the bagels and the biallys."

My Bubbes Talmud
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
After the sixth day, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddush.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
Yiddish Proverbs / Folk-Sayings
If they give you--take; if they take from you--yell!
Charge nothing and you'll get a lot of customers.
Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.
Cancer--schmancer! -- as long as you're healthy.
Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.
If one person tells you that you have ass's ears, take no notice;
should two tell you so, procure a saddle for yourself.
You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.
If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.
You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind.
Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up late.
One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie in bed until noon.
For dying, you always have time.
When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise.
Silence is the fence around wisdom.
Tashlich - Its Never Too Late To Repent...
  • For ordinary sins, use - White Bread
  • For exotic sins - French or Italian Bread
  • For dark sins - Pumpernickel
  • For complex sins - Multi-grain
  • For truly warped sins - Pretzels
  • For sins of indecision - Waffles
  • For sins committed in haste - Matza
  • For substance abuse - Poppy Seed
  • For committing arson - Toast
  • For being ill-tempered - Sourdough
  • For silliness - Nut Bread
  • For not giving full value - Short Bread
  • For political chauvinism - Yankee Doodles
  • For excessive use of irony - Rye Bread
  • For continueal bad jokes - Corn Bread
  • For hardening our hearts - Jelly doughnuts
  • For speed limit violations - Russian Bread
  • For bad temper - Crusty Bread
  • For having a hole where your heart should be - Bagels
  • For flaunting wealth in the form of fancy cars - Rolls
  • For acting like a mad person - Crackers
  • For cutting remarks - Sliced Bread
  • For fraudulent behavior - Rice cakes
My Son
Two elderly Jewish ladies meet on a street corner.
"So Sadie, how's by you I haven't seen you in years?"
"Marvelous, Rivkah, things couldn't be better!  My son Harold is an Accountant making lots of money.  My daughter Cynthia married a rich man, and both of my children have given me beautiful grandchildren and so much naches...but enough about my joys...so what's by you and your family?"
"Oy Sadie, don't ask!  Me, I have such tsores!"
"Nu Rivkah, I'm so sorry to hear that; but what kind of tsores?"
"It's my son Arnold.  He revealed to us that he's a faygeleh."
"Oy, a faygeleh, what a disaster!"
"I know, but we do have a consolation..."
"Vos for a consolation with a faygeleh?"
"Well, he's going with such a nice Jewish boy who's going to be a doctor!"
Truer Words Were Never spoken
A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"
From The Great Beyond
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.  Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde who you miss so much!"
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton Pitzel's zayde?"
Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"
"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes!  Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?"
"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbe together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!"
A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until "
So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"
Tickets, Anyone?
Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg go out to see My Fair Lady on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year, and scalpers are retiring on this one.

Somehow, they've lucked into front row seats. But they notice that in the row behind them, there's an empty seat.  When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Mrs. Greenberg turns to the woman sitting next to it and asks, "Pardon me, but this is such a sold out show, and in such demand. We were wondering why that seat is empty." The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat." Mrs. Greenberg is horrified and apologizes for being so insensitive. But a few minutes later, she turns around again. "Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into.  Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"

The woman nods, but explains, "They're all at the funeral."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its About Time
Q:  What do you get when you cross a Russian Jew with a German Jew?
A:  Children who are EXACTLY ten minutes late!
Jewish Origin of High Tech
Q. What English language edition of Chumash is ideal for the Computer Age:
A. Hertz Edition

Q What is the large print copy called?
A. Mega Hertz Edition Q What is the large print edition of the Stone Chumash called?
A. Mega-lith Edition Chumash Q How are they now distributed?
A. As freeware: the five disks of Moses. Q. What is the most recently compiled edition of the Jewish Knowledge that help reconcile revelation at Sinai with the computer age?
A. "Torah for Dummies" available on CD-Rambam. Q. Why do we blow the shofar on the day of remembrance?
A. To recall the original ram memory. Q Why are we sure the computer was a Jewish invention?
A. Every keyboard has a scroll key.

Q. Why are we sure the Internet was a Jewish Invention?
A. Because Jews are known of their large nodes and we have been talking about the promised LAN for over 3000 years...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All In A Day's Work
Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, " You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago"
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles." The last woman says, " you know my son, he never did too well is school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a Year in New York working as a sports repairman" The other two women ask "Vos is a sports repairman?" The Bubbe replies, "He fixes hockey games, football games, baseball games,...."
Ouch!
Q. What is the difference between heroin and Abraham?

A. One is the juice of the poppy; the other is the Poppy of the Jews.

 

What's In A Name?
A young Jewish guy develops a crush on a girl, but when he tells his Father about her, the old boy just wants to know her family name. When the young guy tells him that the girl's name is Ford, the old boy tells him that Ford is not a good Jewish name, and he must forget her, and go and find a nice Jewish girl. So time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but her name is Austin, so his Father tells him the same thing, to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name. So more time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg !" exclaims his Father, "This makes me very happy because it is a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family" Then he asks what her first name is. "Is it one of my favorite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca ?" "No Father" replied the young guy. "It's Whoopi"
Man and Wife
An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman.

"What's new, Sara?" "Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies.  She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes. After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him. "Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him." The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"

The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor!"

Oy Yoy Yoy
Three bubbes sitting on a park bench.
The first one lets out a heartfelt "Oy!"
A few minutes later, the second bubbe sighs deeply and says "Oy vey!"
A few minutes after that, the third lady brushes away a tear and moans, "Oy veyizmir!"
To which the first bubbe replies:  "I thought we agreed we weren't going to talk about our children!"
The Good Book Says
Rabbi Tarfon of Bet She'an said of Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya: It is said that in those days Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya designed a web site for the mother of his father, Sarah the
daughter of Pinchas, who begot Yechezkel, who begot Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya. Thus Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya performed the mitzvah of web site design.

Rabbi Michael ben Elkanah, who only had one eye, said: But is it not also said that in those days there was no web, only gopher? Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said: It is true, but as it is written: "A web browser may also use the gopher protocol, in addition to the HTTP protocol." Rabbi Eliezer asked: Why does it specifically mention that the web browser may also use the gopher protocol, when it is written elsewhere that a web browser may use any protocol? Because the gopher
protocol is especially meritorious, since it enables support of legacy systems. One time a poor man came into the home of Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron and asked for two megabytes of disk space on the web site of Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron. Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron refused the man, but instead gave him a personal web server for his own use. At this point Rabbi Yehudah ben Yerachmiel asked Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron: Why did you refuse this man's request, but instead give him a personal web server for his own use? Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron replied: It [the Mishnah] teaches: "When a poor man comes into your home and asks for disk space on your web site, first ascertain whether he is going to use it for his own purpose or for the purpose of idol worship. If he
is  going to use it for his own purpose, grant him the space he asks, unless it exceeds twenty ephraot [one ephrah ~ 213 kilobytes], in which case you may refer him to a local Internet service provider, for as it is written: It is not upon you to complete the task, but neither are  you free to desist from it. If he is going to use it for the purpose of idol worship, then do not give him the space, but instead rebuke him, that he might see the error of his ways and refrain from idol worship."

Rabbi Gideon of Sh'chem disagreed, saying: It [the Mishnah] also teaches: "When a poor man requests space on an FTP server, you must grant it without asking why he is going to use it." Why would the
Mishnah impose requirements on a web server but not an FTP server?  Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said: Rabbi Eliezer said: Why does it specifically mention that the web browser may also use the gopher
protocol, when it is written elsewhere that a web browser may use any protocol? Because the gopher protocol is especially meritorious, since it enables support of legacy systems. Similarly, the FTP protocol is especially meritorious. Therefore, it is unfair to deny a poor man access to FTP, whereas it is sometimes permitted to refrain from giving a poor man access to HTTP, because without HTTP he can
still serve  files using FTP, but without FTP he will be unable to put his files on the server, since the means for saving files over HTTP are unreliable.

 

 

 

 

 

Chanukah Gelt
It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?" he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was a sign:
One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!
Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them.
"Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."
"How much is it?"
"Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least eighty five."
Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.
The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more."
"How much more?"
"Twenty five dollars."
Feldman handed over the money.
"Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress, I'll simply die."
"Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"
"Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear."
Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!"
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