harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 35
Studying Ten Again
Losing Face Jewish Films
Sleeping Pills Sun or Moon
Newly Religious Yossi the Burglar
Yeshiva University Tired and Thirsty
Tanchum the Wise The Logical Shidduch
Jewish Weight Lifting When Lieberman Becomes VP

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Yeshiva University
A young stranger in New York was seeking Yeshiva University but the many directions he had received only confused him and he became lost.  Luckily, he saw a learned old man approaching him with a load of books under his arm.  He stopped the professorial man. "Tell me, sir, how do I get to Yeshiva University?"
The old man thought about  the question for a moment or two and then replied,
" Study, young man.  Constant study!"
Yossi the Burglar
A burglar alarm sent out its piercing wail in the dark of a September night in Tel Aviv, and the police arrived just in time to collar the burglar, Yossi Feinberg, as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot.  Soon he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge.
" Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge.
" What's an accomplice?" replied Yossi.
" A partner.  In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
" What else?" demanded the culprit.  "Who can get reliable help these days?"
When Lieberman Becomes Vice-President 
  • The IRS will accept pledges, prior to April 15th 
  • The Iron Workers of America will cast a vice-presidential mezuzah. 
  • Yom Kippur will be extended this year because of the enormous numbers and types of sinning in Washington. 
  • On the day of inauguration, a furor erupts over whether VEEP Lieberman will daven with Rashi or Rabbenu Tam tfilliin. 
  • To reduce medical costs, kosher chicken soup will replace antibiotics. 
  • The IRS will contract out their deadbeat file for collection to the UJA. 
  • Separate but Equal" will take on new meaning after a mechitza is erected in the Blue room. 
  • Garlic will become our national herb. 
  • State dinners will have enough food for the population of Wheeling, W.VA. 
  • Executive Orders will be written with a quill pen on a scroll (megillah). 
  • An Important Executive Order will be called a gantza megillah. 
  • You will NEVER EVER hear four-letter words; shmendrick, maybe. 
  • Three new shuls will be established in Washington: Joe Lieberman's; anti-Joe Lieberman's; and one shul that NOBODY would go to. 
  • Mah Jong will replace Baseball as the national game
Jewish Films
  • Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful dates. 
  • Girls, Interrupted - Women's section of shul shusshed during davening. 
  • The Seder House Rules - Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach. 
  • Angela's Kashas - Woman reveals secret recipes. 
  • The Six Cents - Three Jews each put in their two-cents' worth. 
  • Snow Falling on Seders - Unexpected storm disrupts Passover. 
  • SuperNova - Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox. 
  • Dreydel Will Rock - Chanukah toy comes alive. 
  • Sleepy Hallah - On Friday night, father fills up on bread, dozes off. 
  • Goys Don't Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Tisha B'Av. 
  • Isn't She Gevaldik - Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann. 
  • Goy Story 2 - Jewish man divorces shiksa, marries another. 
  • Mun on the Moon - Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling, not green  cheese, on lunar surface. 
  • Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos. 
  • The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos last till 3am. 
  • My God Skip - Dyslexic worships alte cocker spaniel. 
  • The Whole Nine Yids - Struggling shul waits for tenth. 
  • The Green Mohel - Young man performs first circumcision 
Jewish Weight Lifting
  My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to   tell me how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of   blacksmithing. 
  He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato   sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could. 
  After a while he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and 
  finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute! 
  Eventually, he even started putting some potatoes in the sacks.
Tired and Thirsty
 The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have wine." The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have scotch." 
The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have aquavit." 
The Russian says," I'm tired and thirsty, I must have vodka." 
The German says," I'm tired and thirsty, I must have beer." 
The Greek says," I'm tired and thirsty, I must have ouzo." 
The Jew says," I'm tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes."
Newly Religious
A lifelong backslider suddenly "saw the light" and approached the local rabbi.
" Rabbi, from now on I will attend synagogue services regularly," he promised.
" I'm glad to hear that," smiled the wise old rabbi, "but remember -- going to synagogue doesn't make you a Jew any more than going to a poultry farm makes you a chicken!"
Sleeping Pills
Sadie: Doctor, write for me a prescription for birth control pills.
Doctor: You're in your eighties, Sadie.  You don't need them.
Sadie: I know what I need.  Write for me please the prescription.
The doctor gives her the presciption.
Several weeks later she is again in the doctor's office.
Doctor: So how are you feeling Sadie?
Sadie: I feel wonderful.  Now I sleep like a baby.  Thank you for the pills.
Doctor: But those were birth control pills, not sleeping pills.
Sadie: Listen to me.  Every morning I put one in my granddaughter's orange juice, and now I can sleep like a baby.
Losing Face
   Yankel was afraid to return home without a kopek to his name.  His shrewish wife, he knew, would din a never-ending tirade into his ears until they ached.  She had cautioned him against leaving their small town to seek his fortune in Moscow, but would he listen?  No, not he!  He had to be the big fortune-seeker with the big ideas!
   Now, after spending a year in the metropolis, he realized that she had been right; he never should have left.  Misfortune had confronted him on all sides, and at year's end, he was left with only one problem -- how to save face before his wife.
   "How can I return home without bringing any money at all?" pondered Yankel.  "I must think of a logical excuse or I will never hear the end of it."
   Just then he hit upon a brilliant idea.  Reaching into his pocket he withdrew a large red handkerchief and tied it across his face so that only his eyes were visible.
   The moment he opened the door to his house, his wife screamed:  "Oy gevald!  What happened to your face?"
   "It was terrible!" moaned Yankel quite convincingly.  "Just before I reached town I was held up by a band of Cossacks who ordered me to give them all my money or they would cut off my nose."
   "Shlemiel!" wailed his wife.  "What kind of life will you have without a nose!  Why didn't you give them your money?"
   "Sha!  Sha!  Don't carry on so," grinned Yankel, snatching off the red handkerchief.  "That's exactly what I did!"
Sun or Moon
"Which is more important, the sun or the moon?" a citizen of Chelm asked the rabbi.
" What a silly question!" snapped the cleric.  "The moon, of course!  It shines at night when we really need it.  But who needs the sun to shine when it is already broad daylight?"
Studying
Bella was the only Jewess in her class at an exclusive school in Scarsdale.  Quite rightly, she considered herself a lucky girl since, in those days, only gentiles were admitted.
Bella's closest friend was Cynthia, a Greek Catholic.  When the girls took their final examinations, Bella passed with straight A's but Cynthia failed miserably.
" I just can't understand it," complained Cynthia.  "Just before the tests I lit candles to St. Peter, St. Barnabas and several other saints, and look what happened!"
" I lit a candle too," said Bella.
" What!  You, a Jewess, lit a candle?  To whom?"
" To nobody.  I lit the candle and stayed up all night, studying."
Logical Shidduch
A shadchan was declaiming on the attractions of a hopeful bride, but the young man remained unimpressed.
" You're making a mistake by refusing her," said the marriage broker.  "She has a speech impediment."
" Speech impediment!" echoed the man.  "What kind of an inducement do you call that?"
The shadchan grinned knowingly and explained, "She can't say 'no'!"
Tanchum the Wise
Tanchum, the water carrier, was returning home one evening when a stranger rushed up to him and slapped his face.
" Take that, Meyer!" yelled the attacker.
Tanchum picked himself up from the street and stared at the man in amazement.  Suddenly a abroad grin spread over his face and then he laughed uproariously.
" Meyer, what are you laughing at?" exclaimed the other.  "I just knocked you down."
" The joke is on you," chortled Tanchum.  "I'm not Meyer!"
Ten Again
   A man asks his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
   She answers, "I'd love to be ten again."
   So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and off they go to the local Theme Park.  What a day!  He puts her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear...everything there is!  Wow!
   She staggers out of the Theme Park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.  Right into McDonald's they go, and her husband orders a Double Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing strawberry shake.  Then off to a movie... it's the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms.  What a fabulous adventure!  Finally she wobbles home with her husband and collapses in to bed.
   He leans over lovingly and asks, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opens and she groans, "Schmuck, I meant dress size."
 
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