harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 36
Water
The Statue
Jews in Space
The Newspaper
Saddam Hussein
Three Reform Rabbis
The Four Legged Davener
Education
The Playoffs
Evening Prayers
Testamental Humor
The Price of Chicken
Alms for the Schnorrer
Everything's Coming up Moses
  Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
THE PRICE OF CHICKEN
Mrs. Stein entered a kosher poultry store and asked the price of stewing
chickens.
"One dollar and forty cents a pound," said the butcher.
"One dollar and forty cents!" shrieked Mrs. Stein.  "Why, just around the corner Ellenberger sells for one dollar and thirty-six cents a pound."
"If Ellenberger sells stewing chickens for one dollar thirty-six a pound, why don't you buy there?" asked the butcher impatiently.
"Because he happens to be out of them today."
"Look, lady," said the butcher, "as soon as I run out of stewers, I'll sell them to you for only twelve cents a pound -- and you can't beat that price anywhere!"
 Education
The teacher at the cheder, after explaining the meaning of Pesach, asked the young students to use the word "matzohs" in a sentence.
"Matzohs are eaten at the seder," said Marty.
"Very good," smiled the teacher. "How about you, Jerry?"
"Matzohs are made without salt," responded Jerry.
Izzy, who had been in this country for only a few months, raised his hands. 
"Time matzohs on!" he shouted triumphantly.
 The Playoffs
Gottlieb called his Rabbi and said, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs.  Rabbi, I'm a life-long Yankee fan.
I've GOT to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gottlieb, that's what VCR's are for."
Gottlieb is surprised.  "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?"
 Alms for the Schnorrer
A destitute man went from door to door asking for alms because his house was destroyed in a fire.
"Have you a document from your rabbi affirming that your story is true?" "Oy," he replied.  "That, too, was destroyed in the fire!"
The Four Legged Davener
   It's Erev Rosh Hashanah and services are about to begin. the synagogue is packed. As the congregants are milling around shmoozing before services, everyone seems to be distracated by man who has brought with him a St. Bernard dog. "What chutzpah!" an elderly woman whispers aloud. 

  Services begin, and everyone is fascinated by how well the dog behaves. The next morning. the man and his dog arrive early and promptly  begin davening. This time the dog is wearing its own little tallis and yarmulke, and even appears, upon closer inspection, to be shuckling back   and forth as the hazzan intones the prayers. The congregation is amazed.    The week goes by and Kol Nidre arrives. The solemn worship service begins. The man and his dog are back, and this time, just as the hazzan is about to begin the prayers, the dog stands up on its hind legs and howls "Ba-Roooooooch.......!" more melodically than the best hazzan.    After the service, everyone is clamoring to meet this man and his remarkable dog. Finally the rabbi comes up to him and says, "That's one talented pooch you have there. You know you should really consider sending your dog to Rabbinical School." 

  The man looks down, shakes his head, throws up his hands in disgust and says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!

The Statue
Chaim:  I think they should erect a statue of Arafat in Times Square.
Yankel: A statue of Arafat? Are you crazy?
Why?
Chaim: Three reasons:
  • It will give shade in the summer
  • It will give shelter in the winter
  • It will give the pigeons a chance to speak for everybody else
The Newspaper
An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Rev. Farrakhan's anti-white and anti-Jewish newspaper.  His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?  You should be reading the Jewish Journal!"
The elderly man replies, "the Jewish Journal has stories about intermarriage, anti-Semitism, problems in Israel... all kinds of troubles for the Jewish people. 
I like to read about good news."
"Farrakhan's paper says...
The Jews have all the money... the Jews control the press... the Jews control the banks... the Jews control Hollywood.  At my age it's better to read nothing but good news!"
Evening Prayers
When the young boy was asked by his father to say the evening prayers, he realized he didn't have his head covered.  So, the young boy asked his little brother to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.
The little brother grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.
The father said, "This is important ... put your hand back on his head!"
To which the little boy exclaimed, "Am I my brother's kipah?"
Water
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?  Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually
disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man
was sitting behind his card table.
 He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie.
Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck
 None survived.  One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all.

 Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. 
 "Reform I can understand. But where will it end?  You! 
 Goldblum!  The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read?"  Goldblum shuddered. God went on.  "I can live with that. 
 Men are weak, but the Word is strong!"
 Goldblum sighed with relief.
 "Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really:  serving  Ham & Cheese Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?"
 Bauman hung his head in shame.  "Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions."  Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.  Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far!  Am I asking too much?  No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying....

 'Closed for the Holidays!'"

Saddam Hussein 
 Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. 
 "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. "This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" 
 "Well, Yitzhak," Saddam replied, "This is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" 
 "At this moment in time," said Yitzhak after a moment's calculation, "there is me, my cousin Saul, my next-door neighbor Shlomo, and the entire pinnochle  team from the deli -- that makes eight!" 
 Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have 1million men in my army waiting to move on my command." 
 "Oy vey!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!" 
 Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" 
 "And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?" Saddam asked. 
 "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Goldberg's tractor from the kibbutz." 
 Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke." 
 "Really?!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!" 
 Sure enough, Yitzhak rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Moshe's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" 
 Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Yitzhak that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MIG-19 attack planes, my military 
 complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million." 
 "Oy gevalt!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back." 
 Sure enough, Yitzhak called again the next day. "Right, Mr Hussein, I am 
 sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." 
 "I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" 
 "Well," said Yitzhak, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can 
 feed  two million prisoners.
Testamental Humor
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out
a little prophet. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was  heard throughout the land. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun.

Everything's Coming up Moses
(a.k.a. The Joe Lieberman Song, Sung by Al Gore) Who'd have guessed? Whoever knew?
Such commotion when I picked a Jew Starting here, starting now, Baby, everything's coming up Moses.  Joe is wise, and he's deft, So what if he reads right to left?  He's devout, Clinton's out, Baby, everything's coming up Moses There's an aura, My campaign's energized, Votes will pour - Soon we can all dance the hora.  It's an exciting time, At state dinners we'll all say L'Chaim, We'll serve beef, axe the pork, Now we'll carry New York, And I can take my Saturdays off, too, Baby, everything's coming up Moses For me and for you!
Jews in Space
It isn't commonly known, and this is an important "first" for this publication, but a Jewish scientist invented a time machine a few years ago, traveled to the future and returned with this story.  At the risk of scooping The New York Times and the Jerusalem Post, here is the exclusive account:

Our scientist was catapulted into the year 2081.  Israel's space program had just paid off when Zvi Halevi, its first astronaut, was launched from a point in the Negev desert and zoomed spaceward, on target for Mars.  All the time, he was in radio contact with the authorities in Tel Aviv.

Three months later he landed on the Red Planet and his radio messages were flashed back to Israel.  On the fourth day of exploration, he astounded the mission-headquarters by messaging back the existence of life there.  "I have just found a beautiful feather," he wrote.
"What kind of feather?" the Israelis flashed back.
"How should I know?" radioed the astronaut.  "What am I, a milliner?"

 
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