harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 38
LSD A Flucky
Horse Race Religious Pet
Air Sickness The Shabbos Gore
A Burning Bush The Value of Children
The Six Day War A Heavy dose of Taschlich
Shadchan Eisenberg Outpouring of Jewish Sympathy
When the Messiah Comes The First Annual Jewhoo Political Poll
Jackie Mason on Starbuck's No Holy Cowboys on the Lebanese Border

Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
Air Sickness
Aboard an El Al flight from Israel to America, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.  They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.  "The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

Jackie Mason on Starbuck's
   You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbucks, Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Cremier: $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. 
For Each French word, another four dollars. 
 Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? 
 Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream: 
 "Here's all the cream you want!". And it's still 60 cents. 
 You know why? Because it's called "coffee." 
 If it's Cafe Latte -$4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee ask for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it. 
 But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50.  You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?" 
 Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee - $35.00. And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot." But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It'sa blend. It's a special bean from Argentina...." 
 The bean is in your head. And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools. You ever see these stools? 
 You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two! Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. 
 And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me..."  Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you getme off this?" 
 Do you remember what a cafeteria was? 
 In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. 
 Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. 
 They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. 
 So because of that you paid less for the coffee. 
 You got less, so you paid less. It's all the same at Starbucks, no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much. 
 Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. 
 And the whole cookie is 60 cents. 
 At Starbucks, you're going tohave to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for creamcheese in Starbucks? 
 Cream cheese, another 60 cents. 
 A knife to put it on, 32 cents. 
 If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. 
 That bagel costs you $312. 
 And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. 
 They don't give it to you. 
 They tell you where it is. 
 "Oh, you want butter?It's over there. 
 Cream cheese? Over here, Sugar? Sugar is here." 
 Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. 
"I'll take the cookie. 
 Where's the butter? The butter's here. 
 Where's the cream cheese? 
 The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says 
 "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money? 
 Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. 
 They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. 
 Now you've become the janitor. 
 Now you have to start cleaning up the place. 
 Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? 
Wait, I'll clean this up." 
 They clean up the place for an hour and a half. 
 If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new 
 type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. 
 Instead of 60 cents for coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not 
 only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean it up for 20 minutes after you're finished." Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium. 
 Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for  everything, Nazi bastard sons-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people. 
 --- Jackie Mason 
No Holy Cowboys on the Lebanese Border

HAIFA (December 6) - Troops from the UN's Interim Force in Lebanon (UNIFIL) are being asked by Lebanese farmers to take on a new task as part of their mission in south Lebanon - and become cowboys.

Residents of Kafr Shuba in the Mount Dov region are demanding that UNIFIL prevent the "infiltration" of cattle from Israel into Lebanese territory.

Youngsters from the Scouts movement held a demonstration in the village on Monday and later presented UNIFIL with a petition demanding that the international peacekeeping force stop the four-legged infiltrators.

According to reports in the Lebanese press, as many as a dozen head of "Zionist cattle" cross the border every day to "graze on Lebanese land, drink Lebanese water, and then return to Israel."

The demands of the Shuba residents and the young scouts have been backed by Lebanese Agriculture Minister Kassem Hashem, who said it is definitely UNIFIL's job to put an end to this phenomenon.

Hashem was quoted in Lebanese newspapers as saying there is a danger the Israeli cattle could be infected with mad-cow disease, and that their constant forays onto Lebanese land pose danger.

UNIFIL, however, would find it difficult to tackle a cow-wrangling role. The battalion stationed in the region is composed entirely of Indians, the overwhelming majority of whom are of the Hindu faith, which treats cows as sacred animals.

UNIFIL spokesman Timur Goksel said no official request has so far been
made by the Beirut, despite the calls by the Lebanese press. Were such a
demand to be forthcoming, it was doubtful that the force would be able to
take on the mission, he said.

"We don't have the necessary expertise to go rounding up stray cattle or

eck the origins of the cows," said Goksel.

When the Messiah Comes
A Protestant Minister and a Catholic Priest enjoyed teasing their Rabbi friend, continually asking him when he was going to convert to their faith.

When the Holidays rolled around, the Rabbi sent them a card with the following:
" Season's Greetings!
Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish;
When the Messiah comes,
You'll wish you were Jewish!!"

Religious Pet
Harry and Rachel Feinberg, an open-minded Orthodox Jewish couple living in the Bible Belt of the United States, felt it important to own an equally devout pet.

So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked.  Of all things, it was a Saint Bernard, whose breeder was the nephew of a famous teleevangelist. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.  They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home -- devoutly. That night they had friends over.  They were so proud of their new pet and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.  "Well," they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

LSD
When the hallucinatory psychoactive drug LSD was frequently in the newspaper headlines, comic Dave Barry imparted his wit on the issue.

"My wife is hooked on LSD:  Lox, Salami and Danish!"

The Value of Children
Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.

Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children.  "My son is a doctor and he's got four kids.  My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids.  So tell me Esther, how about your kids?"  Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."

Rachel says, "No children? ... and no grandkids?  So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"

Horse Race
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack.  One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight.

Right before the first race, an Orthodox Rabbi visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first! Charlie followed the Rabbi before the next race and again, he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks! The Rabbi continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won each time.  He was now ahead $1,000, so between races, Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdraw his life's savings $20,000. The biggest race of the day was the last one.  Charlie followed the Rabbi and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came and, as they crossed the finish line, the horse that Charlie bet on, was dead last! Charlie was crushed. He located the Rabbi and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day and they all became winners, except for the last horse on which he had bet his life's savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse whom you blessed? 
Why didn't it win like the others?"

"That's the trouble with you Reformed Jews," sighed the Rabbi.  "You can never tell the difference between a blessing and Kaddish." 

The Shabbos Gore
There is a story circulating about Joe Lieberman.  Shortly after his election as senator of Connecticut in 1988 he remained at the Senate for an important vote that took place Friday night.  In order not to interfere with the Sabbath, Mr. Lieberman -- the first Orthodox Jewish senator in the United States -- entered a room that was designated as a gym at the Congress, lay down on a mattress and intended to spend the night there.

Another senator by the name of Al Gore happened to enter the gym and was extremely surprised to see the freshman senator lying there.  He immediately asked for an explanation.  "I am an observant Jew, my home is rather far away and I don't want to interfere with the Sabbath," explained Lieberman. "Well, my parents own an apartment across the road.  Why don't you go and sleep there?" offered the senator from Tennessee. Lieberman thanked him and headed to the apartment as Gore followed him there.  "I assumed you wouldn't put on the lights on Sabbath and I don't want you to remain in the dark, so I'm coming along tohelp you with the lights," explained Al Gore.

Long after that episode, Lieberman still jokes about the anecdote, saying, 
" Who else had the Vice President of the United States as their Sabbath Goy?!"

A Burning Bush
 George W. Bush was stranded at an airport while he was out on the campaign trail. In the lounge, he spotted an old man sitting all by himself, who looked awfully familiar.   So George W. approached the old man and said "Excuse me, sir, but aren't you Moses?"

The old man looked at him, got up, and walked away.  George W. thought that was rather odd, but decided he mustn't have been Moses, after all.  A little while later, George W. saw the same man in the restroom, and couldn't overcome the feeling that he knew this man's name was Moses. "Excuse me, sir, I'm sorry to bother you again, but are you sure your name is not Moses?" But the old man just walked away.  When the airline finally called the passengers to board the plane, George W. sees the man yet again, and decides to try one more time: "I'm so sorry to keep bothering you, but I can't tell you how much you look like my friend Moses: are you SURE you're not Moses?"

 The old man heaved a sigh, and said, "Yes, my name  is  Moses, but the last time I spoke to a Bush, I was sent into the wilderness for 40 years. So please leave me alone!"

Outpouring of Jewish Sympathy
A recent survey shows that 98% of all Jews approve of Janet Reno's rescue of  Elian Gonzalez. They know what it's like to be trapped in Miami with relatives.
Shadchan Eisenberg
Shadchan Eisenberg was walking along the Miami Beach seashore one morning when a gigantic creature with two heads, a long, slimy tail and completely covered in barnacles, crawled out of the coean and onto the beach.

The shadchan's first impulse was to take to his heels, but he conquered his inchoate fright and ran over to the weird denizen of the deep.

"Say," he cried, "have I got a girl for you!"

A Heavy dose of Taschlich
And then there was the tale of the bread truck the drove off the bridge into the river.  The driver was rescued and turned out to be a mild mannered Orthodox Jew... kipah, tefillin, all wet but in place.  The man seemed sober, and in control, so the rescuers asked him what had happened.

He explained the Rosh Hashanah was approaching, and he explained about the custom of Tashlich.  (Purifying by symbolically throwing out the bread crumbs). The rescuers still didn't understand.

So he went on to explain "I voted for Bill Clinton TWICE.  I figured I need to put at LEAST a truckload of bread in the river."

THE SIX-DAY WAR
With more and more papers being declassified, some light has just been shed on the real reason the Israelis won the Six-Day War.
It seems all the equipment was rented for one week.
A Flucky
An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street.  He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.  He returns home, and his wife says -- "Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" 
["So?  What did the doctor say?"]

"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky."  ["The doctor says I have a flucky."] "Oy, gevalt!  A flucky!  Terrible!  What do you do for a flucky?" "I don't know -- he didn't say, and I forgot to ask." Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety.  She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky!  I don't know what to do!"  Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold.  Cold is the best thing for a flucky." Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about?  Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky." Cold, heat!  Oy!  Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself.  "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"

"I told him... nothing's wrong.  He got off lucky."

 
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