You Grew Up Jewish If
To Learn Something New
The Ten Minute Yiddish Lesson
The Wagon Train
Jewish Women Study
Bar Mitzvah Reception
|The 10-Minute Yiddish Lesson|
| by Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
We don't know who the next president will be in 2004. We do know what prize awaits him--the best address! 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. If Senator Joe Lieberman were to win the election, Americans will need a quick course in Yiddish. "Nu, shoyn!" (Let's go!)
KLAIDER MACHEN DEM MENTSHEN
GENUS IS GENUG
SHANDEH UN A CARPEH
|You Grew Up Jewish If....................|
spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone called roast beef "brisket."
family dog responded to Yiddish. You've experienced the phenomena
of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room trying to get to a
deli tray. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood
was spent visiting your grandparents. You thought pasta was
used exclusively for kugel, kasha and bowties. You can understand
Yiddish but you can't speak it. You were as tall as your grandmother
by the age of seven. You were proud when Elizabeth Taylor
converted. You thought all women's breasts were
at least a C cup. You thought that wine is supposed
to taste like year-old cranberry sauce and have the consistency of syrup. You
can look at gefilte fish and not turn green. You think the goyim
are out to get you. Your mother smacked you and then made
you feel guilty for hurting her hand. You know how to pronounce
numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't
exactly know what they
mean. Kenenhorra. You grew up thinking it's normal for
someone to shout, "Are you okay?
You thought whitefish salad and lox were the quintessential party foods.
|Jewish Women Study|
| 1. The Harvard School of Medicine
did a study
of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view
of when life begin.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite
7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
8. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom,
how are you?"
9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells
his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from
11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to
change a light bulb?
12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.
14. Q: What's the difference
between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
15. Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
|The Wagon Train|
wagon train left the east, heading to California.
Half way there they started running out of food. As they started
across the plains they saw an old Jewish man sitting out side his front
door. The wagon master
stopped and went over to the old man and asked
if he knew where they could buy food, because they were getting real low
on supplies. The jewish man thought for awhile and said,"I don't
know, but there is a
bacon tree over the next hill." "A bacon tree?"the
wagon master said."Yes, a bacon tree, "the old jewish man said. The
wagon master thanked him and went back to the wagon train and explained
to everyone that there was a bacon tree over the next hill. So off
they went. After getting over the hill, a bunch of indians attacked and killed
everyone but the wagon master.
He managed to crawl back to the old jewish man's cabin. When he got to the old man he said, "You told me there was a bacon tree over the next hill, and when we got there a bunch of indians ambushed us and killed everyone except me." The old man looked a little puzzled and reached inside his coat and pulled out a book that said, Jewish Dictionary on how to speak proper English. After thumbing thru a few pages he exclaimed, "Oiy Vey, weren't no bacon tree, it were an ham bush."
came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears. "Darling, what's
"Oh Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have tuberculosis." "What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis? Ridiculous," said Abe, "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this sorted out right now." So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis." The doctor said something to Abe and with that, Abe began laughing. "So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful disease?" asked Esther.
"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say you have 'tuberculosis', he said you have 'too big a tuchas'!
| There was a young man who was known for his lack
of religious study. The rabbi of the congregation, was not about to let
this go unnoticed.
The boy performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal preparation. When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young man, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation. But then the Rabbi, added a special gift. He said, "You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Judaism in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of G-d and now for my own special gift to you"!
With that he pulled out an Umbrella, from behind the lectern, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I present you this umbrella, because, I want to give you a gift that at least I know you will open!"
|Bar Mitzvah Reception|
Bar Mitzvah was being held in the Royal Box
at the Grand Concourse Catering Hall in the Bronx. The room was decorated
lavishly with beautiful flowers. The smorgasbord table was overflowing
with hot and cold delicacies to tempt any appetite.
Statues of ice, spewing forth pink punch, were at either end of the long table. Mr. & Mrs. Harry Teitlebaum arrive a little late. They surveyed the situation and were annoyed by the ostentation. They were civil rights workers and it bothered them to see so much money spent in the name of religion. But their cousin Bruce's Bar Mitzvah was a must or Mama Teitlebaum would never forgive them. As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the hostess greeted them warmly and gushed, "Isn't this a beautiful affair?" And pointing to a small round table topped with a life-sized sculpture of the Bar Mitzvah boy made of chopped liver, she asked, "And what do you think of the gorgeous statue of my Bruce?" This was just too much for Harry Teitlebaum. In a voice dripping with sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal it. Who did it? Lipschitz or Epstein?"
"Lipschitz, of course, darling!" boasted the proud mama, "Epstein works only in halvah!"
|To Learn Something New|
sending her son off for his first day at
school, Mrs. Cohen hugged him and said: "Good luck, my sweet bubbeleh.
Be good, dear bubbeleh, and work hard. "And remember, my bubbeleh, at lunch
time eat all of your food and play nicely with the other children. Oh,
bubbueleh, I'm so proud of you!"
That afternoon, when little Cohen returned home, his mother cried: "Bubbeleh, my sweet bubbeleh, give your mother a hug! So, tell me, what did you learn at school today?"
"Well," said the boy, "to start with, I learned that my name is Aaron."
and Irving receive an invitation in the mail. Since it was many years since
they were invited anywhere, they read
it with glee, very excited that they were asked to attend a wedding. All
was fine until they reached the last line.
Confused, Irving asks Selma, "Selma, vat does this "RSVP" mean?" Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn't remember. Finally, she cries out: "Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!!
It means. . . "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"
visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert
at the Moscovitz Auditorium.
He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide. "It is named after Morris Moscovitz, the writer." "Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.
plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control
of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time
they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to
indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the
Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
"I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" "No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!" There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic." "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"
go of pride, ego, and opinions.
Admit your errors and forgive those of others.
Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships.
If that doesn't work, try small-claims court.
only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh
dry up and wither away,
yet shall you meditate
and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy."
Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck
father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking
I once wanted to become an atheist
but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved
lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their
Breasts, G-d designated
one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I
knew I was that one.
The time is at hand when the wearing
of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless,
of course, the man is Jewish.
Even if you are Catholic, if you live
in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going
to be goyish
even if you are Jewish.
G-d, I know we are your chosen people,
but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?
The remarkable thing about my mother
is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original
never been found.
Let me tell you the one thing I have
against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring
us to the one
place in the Middle East that has no oil!
Even a secret agent can't lie to a
Humility is no substitute for a good
My idea of an agreeable person is
a person who agrees with me.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think
of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Don't be humble; you are not that
G-d will pardon me. It's His business.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking
and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in
which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your
A spoken contract isn't worth the
paper it's written on.
Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
I have enough money to last me the
rest of my life unless I buy something.
I don't want to achieve immortality
through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Marriage is a wonderful institution.
But who wants to live in an institution?
Whoever called it necking was a poor
judge of anatomy.
A politician is a man who will double
cross that bridge when he comes to it.
Too bad that all the people who know
how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions.
Conservatives Feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
A committee is a group that keeps
minutes and loses hours.
I don't want any yes-men around me
I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
Television is a medium because it
is neither rare nor well done.
With the collapse of vaudeville, new
talent has no place to stink.
When I bore people at
a party, they think it is their fault.
a Jewish actor, is so down and out he's ready to take any acting gig that
he can find. Finally he gets a lead, a classified
ad that says: "Actor needed to play ape."
"I could do that," says Dov. To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the local zoo. Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace their recently deceased one. So until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer. At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And Dov feels undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the attention, and starts to put on a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might while beating his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd. One day, when Dov is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den. Terrified, Dov backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his hands, and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisrael Adonai Elokeinu Ad-nai Echad!" The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuto L'olam Va'ed!"
From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up, you Shlemiels. You'll get us all fired!!!"
Revised 12 Oct 2017
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