We don't know who the next president will be in 2004.  We do know what prize awaits him--the best address!  1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  If Senator Joe Lieberman were to win the election, Americans will need a quick course in Yiddish.  "Nu, shoyn!" (Let's go!) BUBBE MAYSE
A grandmother's story; an unbelievable tale Dave Barry says that he's running for president,
and this time he doesn't intend to be cheated out of victory.  He's telling senior citizens:
" I'm not suggesting that your dental benefits are unimportant!  As your president, I will take care of your teeth personally.  You can mail them to me at the White House."  Now that's a "bubbe mayse." MENSCH
A special man or person
Jonah Goldberg of the National Review Web site brings on a smile. With Lieberman the first Jewish prime-time nominee, "It will sound like aluminum crickets are invading Orlando when so many retired oxygenated Jews pour out of their Shady Pines Retirement Villages in their walkers and creaky wheelchairs to vote for such a mensch.  The same holds true in New York City." KLAIDER MACHEN DEM MENTSHEN
Clothes make the man
One day in his office, Lieberman was teased about whether he had accepted gifts of clothing from his supporters, as his colleague Sen. Robert Torricelli had allegedly.  Senator Lieberman rolled his eyes and said that he had bought the suit he was wearing at a Brooks Brothers in Connecticut.  "The salesman told me to look at the tag.  It said, 'Made in Israel.' Unbelievable.  Who ever heard of a suit made in Israel?  Then he said, 'Be careful with the pants.  Those Israelis are a little short with the fabric.'" FUNFEN
To double-talk; speak through the nose
When George W. Bush was asked, "Mr. President, how do you react to recent figures indicating that a 6% unemployment has reached epidemic levels," hereplied, "Yeah, well, I um...feel for all those...peole...who um... are not...like rich.  It must be...hard.  Like being all por.  And not...born rich.  And having to be...probably colored and stuff.  I mean I guess.  Next question. YOM KIPPUR
Day of Atonement
No, it's not kosher snacks for the day after "YUM KIPPER."  Studies have shown that how a person pronounces this holiday is an uncanny indicator of their socioeconomic status.  For example, a person who owns a Geo Metro or Kia normally pronounces it "Yahm Kipp'er"  A person who owns a Cadillac normally says "Yohm' KeePoor."  While the driver of a 2003 Mercedes-Benz SL-class says, "Merry Christmas." PISK
Big mouth
Don Imus (the I-Man) said to Senator. Lieberman, "Peter Townshend will be elected president of
the United States before you are." Lieberman took the teasing in stride and thanked Imus for helping to "lower expectations" that he is the front runner based on early polls. GELT
Money
Barbra Streisand surprised the Rev. Al Sharpton and five other Democaratic hopefuls with thousand-dollar checks. Analysts estimate that candidates making a serious bid for the Democratic nomination will need to raise some $35 million - $40 million. KVELL
To get pleasure from; to enjoy
Sitting on the stage as her son announced his candidacy for president, Marcia Lieberman, Senator Lieberman's mom, "kvelled." "It is beyond what any mom would ever dream," she said. KREPLACHS
Jewish won-ton
In an expansive interview that took place at his Senate office, Lieberman outlined his plan for reshaping America.  "You'll see kreplachs, knishes, graviox, and matzoh balls that will knock the breath out of you.  Half this stuff would kill Cheney on the spot." SHLOF
Sleep
People are troubled by the impression that giving money amounts to a night [of sleeping] in the Lincoln Bedroom.  Of the 938 people who slept overnight in the White House during Clinton's first term, about one-third were Jewish, according to an analysis of documents by the White House. DI MEIBEL
The furniture
Although Lieberman has not yet mapped out his full domestic agenda, he did say that all the White House furniture will be covered in plastic slip covers. "I had them when I was a kid," Lieberman said, referring to the slipcovers.  "And my mother and her nana before her.  These are the types of tradition and common sense that wil be the hallmark of my campaign." GENUS IS GENUG
Enough is enough
Humor writer, Melvin Durai, said that Senator Lieberman should drop the "lie" at the beginning of his name.  "He's a politician--we know he's going to lie...Of course, to be elected, Lieberman may need to shorten his name.  The U. S hasn't elected a president or vice president with three syllables since Sean Connery had hair." TSATSKELEH DER MAMEH'S
Mother's pet (favorite)
Senator Lieberman's mother, Marcia, sent care packages to her favorite son and to reporters who were following him.  Her brown paper-wrapped boxes were delivered to reporters aboard his plane in Texas and contained Tylenol, lip balm, tissues, an apple, Manischewitz, bagel chips, a news clipping about her son, candles, and postcards for reporters to write home to their own mothers.  Included was a handwritten note that implores reporters to "Please be good to my son!" ONGESHTOPT MIT GELT
Filthy rich
Sen. John Kerry cannot legally use any of his wife's personal fortune for his presidential race.  The holdings of Teres Heinz Kerry have been estimated at $550 million. CHUTZPA
Nerve
One exampleof "chutzpa": Paying full price for Hillary Rodham Clinton's memoir, "Living History," while reading the entire contents of "An Amazing Adventure:  Joe and Hadassah's Personal Notes on the 2000 Campaign" in Barnes & Noble. DUMKOP
Dumbbell, dunce
President George W. Bush said [in 2000], "More and more of our imports come from overseas." SHAINER YID
Good Jew
Robert Reno said that Joe Lieberman is widely characterized as a goody goody.  "If Joe Lieberman one day found himself absent-mindedly speeding, who of us doubts that he would drive to the nearest police station and demand to be ticketed." BUKH
Books
Reports say that Lieberman has written five--or more--books.  George W. scoffed:  "big deal.  I colored nine books." SHANDEH UN A CARPEH
Shame and disgrace
Joe Lieberman said of the Clinton-Lewinsky affair:  "Such behavior is not just inappropriate, it is immoral. And it is harmful, for it sends a message of what is acceptable behavior to the larger American family, particularly our children." GORNISHT
Nothing
In 2000 the National Jewish Democratic Council (NJDC)  sold buttons showing a smiling Gore and a frowning George W. Bush. The caption: "Gore" and "Gornisht." GEZUNTHAT1
Felicitation to one who has sneezed; health; good health
Conan O'Brien said, "Florida Senator Bob Graham announced that he is running for presidnet despite the fact that he went through a double-bypass earlier this year.  Political experts don't give Graham much chance because his campaign slogan is "I'm a little healthier than Dick Chaney." OYSGEPUTST
Dressed up (to the hilt!)
In 2000, Babe Lieberman was interviewed by Larry King.  She was all dressed up in a new outfit and special hairdo. NOODGES/NUDJE
One who pesters, nags, annoys
In 2000 Lieberman said, "A and I have tremendous regard for this [entertainment] industry. It's true from time to time we will have been, will be critics, or noodges, but I promise you this:  We will never put the government in the position of telling you by law, through law, what to make.  We will nudge you but we will never become censors." GOTT/GOT
God
Cindy Adams wrote [in 2000], "Watch for Joe Lieberman to be peppering speeches with less 'God' references.  Less 'God bless," less 'Thanks to God' expressions." TANTE
Aunt
Not to be confused with "Tante"--the Lone Ranger's aunt...or "Tantamount"--the Lone Ranger's companion horse. MOHEL/MOYL
The person who circumcised the male baby in the ritual of "Brit Milah" eight days after birth
Consider the possible scenario IF an Orthodox Jew should make it to the White House: A "mohel" will be appointed Surgeon General. LAKHT
Laugh
Sen. Lieberman repeated a joke from the host of the Emmy Awards [Sept. 10, 2000]:  Gary Shandling said, "I actually auditioned for the role of vice president on the TV series, West Wing but I didn't get the part. Too Jewish." YONTEV/YOMTOV
Holiday
According to David M. Bader, "Jewish holidays are divided between days you must starve and days on which you must overeat." GLEYZEL TEY
A glass of tea
According to some politicians, if Hadassah Lieberman becomes First Lady, she will serve White House guess a glass of tea while discussing the difference  between a prayer shawl and an Armani scarf. TSEDOKEH
Charity; benevolence
According to Paul Slansky, of the $20 million dollars that Dick Cheney made over the past ten years, he gave only one percent to charity. FRAGEH
Question
Did Joe Lieberman's mother, who lives in Palm Beach, accidentally vote for Pat Buchanan?  "Ver vaist?"  Who knows? MISHPOCHA
The whole family
Joe Lieberman, Hadassah, Hana, Marcia, Matthew, Rebecca, Ethan, Tenessee and Willie. COCHMEH
Witticism, bright saying
Sen. Lieberman sometimes gently ribs his wife, Hadassah, for periodically getting more ink than he does after campaign stops.  When a supporter in a Denver union  hall held a sign with her name on it, Lieberman couldn't hold back.  "My wife is getting to be like Madonna--just one word," he said.  (It's the political equivalent of "take my wife--please.") YAMAHA
A religious skullcap for women
(coined by Amy Menell) GONIF/GONIFF
Thief
Writer, Judy Gruen, says that her biggest fear is receiving a fat envelope that you have not requested with a return address of "Ganif, Payne & Suffern, Inc., a law corporation. YIDDISHE MAMA
Jewish mother
A  mother who sings "Sunrise, Sunset" on her daughter's answering machine.  Senator Lieberman can't resist talking about his Yiddisher mother.  She was the kind of woman who gave young Joseph "a standing ovation every morning when he came down for breakfast." A SHNIPS
A tie
For Election Day, 2000, Lieberman wore a tie he bought in 1970 from a New Haven clothing shop.  He has worn the mauve tie with cream polka dots for every election, except his congressional run in l980.  He lost that election."When I first put it on, I didn't know it was a lucky tie.  I just happend to have worn it a lot in my '70 state Senate run and then when I got elected, I thought, you know, maybe this is a lucky tie."
  ZAFTIK/ZAFTIG
Plump, well-rounded
Melvin Durai said, "Our obsession with looks even affects politics.  If you want to run for president, you'd better not look like William Howard Taft.  He was U. S. president from l909 to l9l3, but that was before the invention of television and the creation of Slim Fast." KISH/KUSH
Kiss
In 2000 Senator Lieberman attended a fundraiser. In playful imitation of Mr. Gore at the convention, he gave his wife an especially long kiss, and said:  "I don't want you to think there's any kind of competition on this ticket, but I told Hadassah I'm not going to stop until we reach seven seconds, which is the current world record."

****************
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is a free-lance writer from Syosset, New York.  Her favorite Elderhostel course was titled, "Mink Shmink--The Influence of Yiddish on America."

Your family dog responded to Yiddish.  You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room trying to get to a deli tray.  Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.  You thought pasta was used exclusively for kugel, kasha and bowties.  You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.  You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.  You were proud when Elizabeth Taylor converted.  You thought all women's breasts were at least a C cup.  You thought that wine is supposed to taste like year-old cranberry sauce and have the consistency of syrup.  You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.  You think the goyim are out to get you.  Your mother smacked you and then made you feel guilty for hurting her hand.  You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Kenenhorra.  You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout, "Are you okay? 
Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for more than 3 minutes.  You have at least six male relatives named David.  You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie, but Barbara Streisand embarrasses you to no end.  Your body was saturated with Vicks, over the years.  You thought that yelling was normal.  You never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes. 

You thought whitefish salad and lox were the quintessential party foods. 

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begin.
     In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. 3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
      A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. 4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
      A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes." 5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
     A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. 6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
      A: Facing Bloomingdale's. 7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis." 8. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
    "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
     The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."  The son said, 
    "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"  The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my 
     mouth to be filled with food if you should call." 9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
     "Wonderful. What part is it?"
     The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
     The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher
      you want a speaking part." 10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
       A: Under the vacuum cleaner. 11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
     A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody. 12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. 13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."  "Force yourself," she replied. 14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
       A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

15. Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying.  Details to follow." 

He managed to crawl back to the old jewish man's cabin.When he got to the old man he said, "You told me there ws a bacon tree over the next hill,and when we got there a bunch of indians ambushed us and killed everyone except me."  The old man looked a little puzzled and reached inside his coat and pulled out a book that said,Jewish Dictionary on how to speak proper English.  After thumbing thru a few pages he exclaimed, "Oiy Vey,weren't no bacon tree,it were an ham bush."

"Oh Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have tuberculosis." "What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis? Ridiculous," said Abe, "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this sorted out right now." So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis." The doctor said something to Abe and with that, Abe began laughing. "So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful disease?" asked Esther. 

"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say you have 'tuberculosis', he said you have 'too big a tuchas'!

The boy performed his Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal preparation.  When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young man, he received the usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation. But then the Rabbi, added a special gift.  He said, "You have received many gifts today, many treasures of Judaism in book form, that will enrich your life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of G-d and now for my own special gift to you"! 

With that he pulled out an Umbrella, from behind the lectern, and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I present you this umbrella, because, I want to give you a gift that at least I know you will open!" 

Statues of ice, spewing forth pink punch, were at either end of the long table.  Mr. & Mrs. Harry Teitlebaum arrive a little late.  They surveyed the situation and were annoyed by the ostentation. They were civil rights workers and it bothered them to see so much money spent in the name of religion. But their cousin Bruce's Bar Mitzvah was a must or Mama Teitlebaum would never forgive them.  As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the hostess greeted them warmly and gushed, "Isn't this a beautiful affair?"  And pointing to a small round table topped with a life-sized sculpture of the Bar Mitzvah boy made of chopped liver, she asked, "And what do you think of the gorgeous statue of my Bruce?"  This was just too much for Harry Teitlebaum. In a voice dripping with sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal it. Who did it? Lipschitz or Epstein?" 

"Lipschitz, of course, darling!" boasted the proud mama, "Epstein works only in halvah!" 

That afternoon, when little Cohen returned home, his mother cried: "Bubbeleh, my sweet bubbeleh, give your mother a hug! So, tell me, what did you learn at school today?" 

"Well," said the boy, "to start with, I learned that my name is Aaron." 

Confused, Irving asks Selma, "Selma, vat does this "RSVP" mean?" Selma was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn't remember. Finally, she cries out: "Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!!

It means. . . "Remember, Send Vedding Present!" 

He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.  He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"  "No," replied the guide. "It is named after Morris Moscovitz, the writer."  "Never heard of him. What did he write?" 

"A check", replied the guide. 

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" "No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!  That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!" There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic." "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"

Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. 
But, first, a little nosh. Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about? Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that? The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story. Do not let children play contact sports like football. These only lead to injuries and instill a violent, warlike nature.  Encourage your child to play peaceful games, like "sports doctor." Enter into your inner self and behold the eye of the soul. Gaze upon your original face before you were even born. Shocked?
Remember, this was before the nose job.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy."

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. 
  David Steinberg  I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays. 
  Henny Youngman  Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their Breasts, G-d designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. 
  Mel Brooks  The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl  and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House,  unless, of course, the man is Jewish. 
  Jules Farber  Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish. 
  Lenny Bruce  G-d, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change? 
  Shalom Aleichem  The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. 
  Calvin Trillin  Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! 
  Golda Meir  Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. 
  Peter Malkin  Humility is no substitute for a good personality. 
  Fran Lebowitz  My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. 
  Benjamin Disraeali  It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. 
  Sam Levinson  Don't be humble; you are not that great. 
  Golda Meir  G-d will pardon me. It's His business. 
  Heinrich Heine  I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. 
  Joe E. Lewis  Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. 
  Sam Goldwyn  A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. 
  Sam Goldwyn  Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
  Arthur Miller  I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. 
  Jackie Mason  I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want to achieve immortality through not dying. 
  Woody Allen  Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? 
  Groucho Marx  Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. 
  Groucho Marx  A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. 
  Oscar Levant  Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. 
  George Burns  Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives Feel they deserve everything they've stolen. 
  Mort Sahl  A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. 
  Milton Berle  I don't want any yes-men around me I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. 
  Sam Goldwyn  Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. 
  Ernie Kovacs  With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink. 
  George Burns 

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. 
  Henry Kissinger

"I could do that," says Dov. To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the local zoo.  Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace their recently deceased one. So until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit.  Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer.  At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And Dov feels undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the attention, and starts to put on a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might while beating his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.  One day, when Dov is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den. Terrified, Dov backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his hands, and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisrael Adonai Elokeinu Ad-nai Echad!"  The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuto L'olam Va'ed!" 

From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up, you Shlemiels. You'll get us all fired!!!"