harry leichter's jewish humor
Jewish Humor 58
Yiddish, n. 
So Religious
The three Samurais
It's all in the Delivery
New Jewish Reality Shows
Top Ten failed Passover Promotions
What if the entire Space Shuttle crew were Israelis?
Noah's Ark
Gefilte Fish
The Divorce
Buddy Hackett S.A.T.* Test
Twas the Night After Seder
Passover Story Reported by The NY Times or CNN
The Optimist Sees the Bagel, the Pessimist sees the Hole
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Remember...these Jokes are only old if you've heard them before...
New Jewish Reality Shows 
WJEW-Channel 18, "TV for your inner Jew," has announced its new season lineup of reality shows. 
They include: 

"Joe Minyanaire." A good-looking young man goes to an Orthodox singles event and tells girls he meets there 
that he davens every day. Watch their reaction when they find out that he hasn't been inside a shul since his bar mitzvah in 1986 and spends every morning and afternoon at Starbucks!  "American Sheitel." Viewers vote for the woman wearing the best-looking head-covering.  "Schmeer Factor." Contestants vie to see who is the bravest by trying new bagel-and-cream-cheese combinations, such as shiitake mushroom bagels with lemon-sunchoke cream cheese or tortellini bagels with 
cilantro-pesto cream cheese. Filmed entirely in Lincoln Park and Lakeview.  "The Rhea-Al World." Rhea and Al Goldberg, married 55 years, are thrown together in a house in Miami Beach 
for a week with no T.V. If both survive, they move on to the next installment: an hour-long trip in a Cadillac with no air conditioning. The excitement never ends!  "Don't Meet My Folks." Three Jewish men take their girlfriends home to meet their parents. But watch out-one of the girlfriends is a shiksa! Parents try to guess which son is in an interfaith dating situation so they can throw him out of the house and threaten to sit Shiva for him. 

"Jewish Survivor." Participants attend a round of Jewish organizational fundraising dinners. Each week, one person is voted off for falling asleep during the guest speaker, complaining about the chicken being over cooked,eating three extra desserts, changing seats so he/she doesn't have to sit with Mr./Mrs. Schwartz, snapping his/her fingers at the rabbi, who looks just like one of the waiters, etc. The final "Survivor" wins $1 million-to be donated to his or her favorite Jewish charity! 

It's all in the Delivery

Abie and Moishe had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the Lower East Side of NYC. 

The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester or Long Island and the Puerto Ricans were moving in. 

"Abie, ve haff to move to Westchester," said Moishe. 

"Ve can't. Diss neighborhood iz our life. Ve've been here for toity-tree years. Maybe ve can start stockink Ketolic articles too." 

"Vat? Ketolic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuggeh? Ve're Jews. NO Ketolic articles!!!" 

Well a month passed and they sold nothing but two talliseisim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait. 

Moishe agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so he said to Abie, "OK, call dat Ketolic supply house on Park Avenue." 

Abie: "Hello, Ketolic supply house on Park Avenue? Diss is Abie and Moishe's on Delancey Street. I vant 200 daily missals, 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of dose beads, vat you call em, Rosaries?, and a gross of crucifixes. ... and I need dos things here tommorow." 

"OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 200 daily missals, 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of Rosaries and 100 crucifixes. 

So, tell me, however, dese crucifixes... You vant dem mit or mitout de Jesuses? .... And tomorrow we don't deliver... it's Shabbos!" 

YIDDISH, n. 
[1] a tongue that never takes its tongue out of its cheek; 
[2] the rich traditional language of organized complaint 
Twas the Night After Seder

'Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house 

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. 

The matzah, the farfel, the charoset I ate, 

After both the Sedarim, had gone to my waist. 

When I got on the scales there arose such a number! 

When I walked over to shul (less a walk than a lumber), 

I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared; 

The turkey with gravy, the beef nicely rared, 

The wine and the matzo balls, the Migdal pareve cheese 

The way I'd never said, "I've had enough; no more, if you please." 

As I tied myself into my apron again 

I spied my reflection and disgustedly, then -- 

I said to myself, "you're such a weak wimp", 

"You can't show up at shul resembling a blimp!" 

So--away with the last of the meatballs so sweet, 

Get rid of the turkey, chopped liver and meat. 

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 

'T ill all the additional ounces have vanished. 

I won't have any more macaroons from the box, 

I can't wait till next week. (Ah, the bagels and lox.) 

I won't have any luchshon, farfel or p'chah, 

I'll munch on a carrot or wire shut my own jaw. 

It's a three-day Yom Tov and Shabbat is still 

Ahead of me with another fleishigs meal to fulfill. 

If I have to cook one more chicken, I think I will riot. 

So a zisn Pesach to you all and to all a good diet!

Gefilte Fish
Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of G-d's creatures. This has led me to explain exactly what a gefilte fish is.

  So once again, here goes:   Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located Upstate New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the   surface, Frum (observant) fishermen set out to "catch" gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish cannot be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe thousands, of years. For all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides), when he wasn't busy playing doctor, spent his leisure time Gefilte fishing.   Enough already, you say, so how is it done? Well you go up to the edge of the lake with some Matzo. Now this is very important!! It has to be Manischewitz Matzo or the fish will not be attracted. You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say, "Here boy!" "Here boy!" The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzo. They come together to the edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot.   You must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong and the weak. The weak are your standard fish which are in a loose "broth" (it is actually the lake water). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a "jell." These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are caught in the Dead Sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that "jell."  Last year, a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Reb, shouldn't they be saying 'Here Boychic!'" I didn't have the heart to tell him that Boychic is a Yiddish word and Gefilte Fish don't understand Yiddish --only Hebrew and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether to use the Hebrew or English in the US.   With a big break from tradition, shockingly the English is accepted by almost all Gefiltefishermen. Some still insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of "Here Boy" as Reform and not acceptable. However the Congress of OU Rabbis (who have to be present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept "Here boy!"   The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim is over or the fish are considered Chumetz!   Besides, the fish know when Pesach is coming ,and will not respond to the Matzo before the proper time.
  I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are.)  This is a small price to pay for the luxury of eating this delicacy.   ....   Have you ever had the baby Gefilte Fish? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little guilty eating them!   Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzo doesn't affect you like Pepto Bismol or worse yet, prunes. (THERE IS A NEW product available in the stores called: Metamucil Matzo.

  The box has the logo: "LET MY PEOPLE GO!"

The Divorce
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." 

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.  "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.  Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

If the Passover Story Were Reported by The NY Times or CNN 
The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues that have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness. 

Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me."  While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every society."  Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower God.  The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac.  Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments.  The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through these plagues." 

The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared. 

Top Ten failed Passover Promotions? 
10. US ARMY - "THE ARMY OF 'who knows ONE?" 
9. Animal Awareness Passover Campaign - "Frogs are our friends, not a plague." 
8. American Red Cross - "This Passover, lets make rivers of blood" 
7. Lenox Hill OBGYN - "We wont throw your newborn into the Nile" 
6. Adoption Promotion Week - "Drop your unwanted children in a basket in the NYC Reservoir, for less fortunate parents to find!" 
5. D'Angelo's Barber Shop: "Free lice check with every haircut" 
4. Republic of China's Population Control Agency - Death of the first born commemorative pins 3. Ebay: "Your Afikomen is worth a lot more than that" 
2. Radioshack: "You've Got 4 questions, We've Got Answers" 
1. Kosher For Passover Ex-Lax, now in new Matzah strength - "Ex-odus" 
So Religious
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food. The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

Noah's Ark

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...

ONE: Don't miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with G-d, there's always a rainbow waiting.

What if the entire Space Shuttle crew were Israelis? 
Imagine if instead of one astronaut, the entire Space Shuttle crew were Israelis: 

The flight would leave an hour late.  Instead of counting down from ten to blastoff, they'd read T'filat HaDerech.  As the astronauts prepared to board the spacecraft, a young girl in a cheap navy jacket would ask them who had packed their luggage. She'd write their replies on her hand and nobody would understand why.  At least one of the astronauts would actually be plainclothes security.  The orbits around the Earth would take less time than 1 1/2 hours because the pilot would take a shortcut via a lower orbital level.  The Shuttle would tailgate the American Spacelab until it was able to pass it (on the right).  Each astronaut would have his or her own cell phone and spend most of the flight talking while they worked.  After two days in space, the Palestinian Authority would complain to the United Nations and CNN that the Space Shuttle was actually their property and had been for hundreds of years. The next day United Nations would pass a resolution confirming this.  Thomas Friedman would suggest that the Israelis give the Palestinians half of the Shuttle.  Every time the astronauts appeared on live television, Judge Cheshin would threaten to cut off their press conference. 
But it wouldn't matter because all of them, including Mission Control, would be talking at the same time so nobody would understand a word anyway. 

The Shuttle would take two years for preparation - 6 months of training and a year and a half to argue who gets the seats. 

The Optimist Sees the Bagel, the Pessimist sees the Hole
from (Life's Little Jewish Instruction Book) by Leonard Sorcher

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole. 
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. 
It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job. 
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. 
Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour? 
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave. 
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah. 
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur. 
There's nothing like a good belch. 
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia. 
Never pay retail. 
Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre. 
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover. 
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. 
And what's so wrong with dry turkey? 
If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too. 
Always leave a little room for the Viennese table. 
Always whisper the names of diseases. 
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. 
If you don't eat, it will kill me. 
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. 
The most important word to know in any language is sale. 
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon. 
Never take a front-row seat at a bris. 
Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste. 
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise? 
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed. 
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach. 
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the street parking is suspended. 
You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle. 
A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight. 
A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. 
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? 
Before you read the menu, read the prices. 
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45. 
Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish. 
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear. 
No meal is complete without leftovers. 
What business is a yenta in? Yours. 
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid. 
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall. 
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon. 
Schmeer today, gone tomorrow. 

Buddy Hackett S.A.T.* Test
by Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe 
Syosset, New York
*Such A Tumler

Veteran funnyman, Buddy Hackett, often referred to as "rubber face," passed away 
recently. How much do you know about this Jewish comedian? Grab a #2 pencil and let's see how well you fare. 1. Buddy Hackett used to tell about Jewish cooking after being inducted into the Army. He complained to the doctor that he thought he was dying because the internal flame had gone out--that is, no more heartburn. 
A) True 
B) False 
C) "Lomir redn fun freylikher zakhn" (Let's talk about more cheerful things.) 2. Asked to name the greatest influence on him, Hackett replied, 
A) my mother (She noodged me to death!) 
B) W. C. Fields 
C) George Burns 
D) Shecky Greene 
E) Jan Murray 
F) "A braireh hob ich?" (I have a choice?) 3. In the TV sitcom, "Stanley" (1956-1957), Hackett starred as the 
A) Social Director who ran "Simon Sez" 
B) Owner of a lobby newsstand in the fancy New York hotel, the Sussex-Fenton 
C) Captain of the Israeli vessel, "S. S. Mayn Kind" 
D) Welcome Wagon founder ("Chaim Glatta Meetcha") 
E) Yeshivah bocher (student of rabbinical academy) 
F) young lawyer in the firm "Gonif, Payne, & Suffern, Inc. 4. Which line was attributed to Buddy? 
A) "Gimma a table near a waiter." 
B) "Think what a crowded elevator smells liKe to a midget."
C) "Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers." 
D) "What am I, chopped liver?" 
E) "Tweed is GOYISH; Shantung is YIDDISH; Miniskirts are GOYISH; CLEAVAGE is YIDDISH." 
F) "Tom Ridge says that the national threat level is now magenta (not quite an oxblood)." 5. What did Buddy Hackett say about his family? 
A) "My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I told her, 'Just wait.'"
B) "My parents are the epitome of abstinence. They don't smoke, they don't drink, and I'm adopted." 
C) "As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."
D) "They say when you die you see bright lights at the end of a tunnel. I think my father will see the light, then flip it off to save electricity." 
E) "My mom went on a garlic and Limburger cheese diet...and you know, from a distance, she looks thinner." 6. Hackett played the voice of Mikey in 
A) The Little Mermaid 
B) Fish Police 
C) Look Who's Talking Too 
D) Jack Frost 7. Buddy knows his boxing. In an interview with Brad Berkwitt, who did he say was the greatest fighter of all-time? 
A) "Joe Louis" 
B) "Pound for pound, I would say between 
Harry Greb and Sugar Ray Robinson" 
C) "Max Schmeling" 
D) "Rocky Graziano" 8. In the beginning, Hackett's material was suitable for family audiences. In later years, nightclubs advertised his show, 
A) For Alter-Kakers Only 
B) For Mature Audiences Only 
C) Bring the Whole Mishpocha 
D) Oh, What a Scandal! 9. Buddy Hackett said that he once performed at the Jewish Home for the Aged in Brooklyn. A woman in the first-row thought he was HER son and threw her orthopedic shoes at him. 
A) True 
B) False 
C) a "bobbeh meisseh" 10. Who defined the Show Biz term, "Tummler" as "A noise-maker; if Buddy Hackett is at your party,you've definitely get one"? 
A) Leon H. Gildin 
B) Leo Rosten 
C) Martin Marcus 
D) Rabbi Benjamin Blech ("The Complete 
Idiot's Guide to Learning Yiddish") 11. Buddy Hackett originated this joke: 
" According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5749. According to the Chinese calendar, the year is 4687. That means for 1,062 years, the Jews went without Chinese food." 
A) True 
B) False 
C) "Es enzein"! (It could be!)
 
 
 
 
 
 

ANSWERS 
1. A 
2. B 
3. B 
4. B 
5. C 
6. C 
7. B 
8. B 
9. B (False) 
10. A 
11. B
__________ 
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe is a retired business 
educator and free-lance writer from Syosset, New York. 
 

 
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