The three Samurais
It's all in the Delivery
New Jewish Reality Shows
Top Ten failed Passover Promotions
What if the entire Space Shuttle crew were Israelis?
Buddy Hackett S.A.T.* Test
Twas the Night After Seder
Passover Story Reported by The NY Times or CNN
The Optimist Sees the Bagel, the Pessimist sees the Hole
|New Jewish Reality Shows|
18, "TV for your inner Jew," has
its new season lineup of reality shows.
"Joe Minyanaire." A good-looking
young man goes
to an Orthodox singles event and tells girls he meets there
"Jewish Survivor." Participants attend a round of Jewish organizational fundraising dinners. Each week, one person is voted off for falling asleep during the guest speaker, complaining about the chicken being over cooked,eating three extra desserts, changing seats so he/she doesn't have to sit with Mr./Mrs. Schwartz, snapping his/her fingers at the rabbi, who looks just like one of the waiters, etc. The final "Survivor" wins $1 million-to be donated to his or her favorite Jewish charity!
|It's all in the Delivery|
Abie and Moishe had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the Lower East Side of NYC.
The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester or Long Island and the Puerto Ricans were moving in.
"Abie, ve haff to move to Westchester," said Moishe.
"Ve can't. Diss neighborhood iz our life. Ve've been here for toity-tree years. Maybe ve can start stockink Ketolic articles too."
"Vat? Ketolic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuggeh? Ve're Jews. NO Ketolic articles!!!"
Well a month passed and they sold nothing but two talliseisim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait.
Moishe agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so he said to Abie, "OK, call dat Ketolic supply house on Park Avenue."
Abie: "Hello, Ketolic supply house on Park Avenue? Diss is Abie and Moishe's on Delancey Street. I vant 200 daily missals, 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of dose beads, vat you call em, Rosaries?, and a gross of crucifixes. ... and I need dos things here tommorow."
"OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 200 daily missals, 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of Rosaries and 100 crucifixes.
So, tell me, however, dese crucifixes... You vant dem mit or mitout de Jesuses? .... And tomorrow we don't deliver... it's Shabbos!"
a tongue that never takes its tongue out of
 the rich traditional language of organized complaint
|Twas the Night After Seder|
'Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The matzah, the farfel, the charoset I ate,
After both the Sedarim, had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked over to shul (less a walk than a lumber),
I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The turkey with gravy, the beef nicely rared,
The wine and the matzo balls, the Migdal pareve cheese
The way I'd never said, "I've had enough; no more, if you please."
As I tied myself into my apron again
I spied my reflection and disgustedly, then --
I said to myself, "you're such a weak wimp",
"You can't show up at shul resembling a blimp!"
So--away with the last of the meatballs so sweet,
Get rid of the turkey, chopped liver and meat.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'T ill all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have any more macaroons from the box,
I can't wait till next week. (Ah, the bagels and lox.)
I won't have any luchshon, farfel or p'chah,
I'll munch on a carrot or wire shut my own jaw.
It's a three-day Yom Tov and Shabbat is still
Ahead of me with another fleishigs meal to fulfill.
If I have to cook one more chicken, I think I will riot.
So a zisn Pesach to you all and to all a good diet!
| Many times I have been upset by people who seem
to think that gefilte fish is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen
rather than one of G-d's creatures. This has led me to explain exactly
what a gefilte fish is.
once again, here goes: Each year as soon as the frost on the Great
Gefilte Lakes (located Upstate New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains)
is thin enough to break the surface, Frum (observant) fishermen
set out to "catch" gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish
cannot be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard bait. The art of
catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe thousands, of
years. For all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure
that the Great Rambam (Maimonides), when he wasn't busy playing doctor,
spent his leisure time Gefilte fishing. Enough already, you say, so how is it done?
Well you go up to the edge of the lake with some Matzo. Now this is very
important!! It has to be Manischewitz Matzo or the fish will not be attracted.
You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say, "Here boy!" "Here
boy!" The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzo. They come together
to the edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on
the spot. You must remember that there are two kinds
of gefilte fish. The strong and the weak. The weak are your standard fish
which are in a loose "broth" (it is actually the lake water). Now the strong
are special. They seem to be in a "jell." These fish are actually imported
from the Middle East where they are caught in the Dead Sea. They have to
be strong to be able to swim through that "jell." Last year, a well
meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Reb, shouldn't they
be saying 'Here Boychic!'" I didn't have the heart to tell him that Boychic
is a Yiddish word and Gefilte Fish don't understand Yiddish --only Hebrew
and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether to
use the Hebrew or English in the US. With a big break from tradition, shockingly
the English is accepted by almost all Gefiltefishermen. Some still insist
on using the Hebrew and consider the use of "Here Boy" as Reform and not
acceptable. However the Congress of OU Rabbis (who have to be present at
the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept "Here boy!" The
time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim
is over or the fish are considered
Chumetz! Besides, the fish know
when Pesach is coming ,and will not respond to the Matzo before the
The box has the logo: "LET MY PEOPLE GO!"
elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
|If the Passover Story Were Reported by The NY Times or CNN|
cycle of violence between the Jews and the
Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous
plagues that have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the
lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive
this week in the form of the plague of darkness.
Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN. "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me." While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim. "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery. We just want to live plague-free. It is the right of every society." Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower God. The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac. Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments. The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through these plagues."
The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture. If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.
|Top Ten failed Passover Promotions?|
US ARMY - "THE ARMY OF 'who knows ONE?"
9. Animal Awareness Passover Campaign - "Frogs are our friends, not a plague."
8. American Red Cross - "This Passover, lets make rivers of blood"
7. Lenox Hill OBGYN - "We wont throw your newborn into the Nile"
6. Adoption Promotion Week - "Drop your unwanted children in a basket in the NYC Reservoir, for less fortunate parents to find!"
5. D'Angelo's Barber Shop: "Free lice check with every haircut"
4. Republic of China's Population Control Agency - Death of the first born commemorative pins 3. Ebay: "Your Afikomen is worth a lot more than that"
2. Radioshack: "You've Got 4 questions, We've Got Answers"
1. Kosher For Passover Ex-Lax, now in new Matzah strength - "Ex-odus"
he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody
would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews
have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but
I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food. The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with G-d, there's always a rainbow waiting.
|What if the entire Space Shuttle crew were Israelis?|
if instead of one astronaut, the entire Space Shuttle crew were Israelis:
The flight would leave an hour
late. Instead of counting down from
ten to blastoff, they'd read T'filat HaDerech. As the astronauts
prepared to board the spacecraft, a young girl in a cheap navy jacket would
ask them who had packed their
luggage. She'd write their replies on her hand and nobody would understand
why. At least one of the astronauts
would actually be plainclothes security. The orbits around the
Earth would take less time than 1 1/2 hours because the pilot would take
a shortcut via a lower orbital
level. The Shuttle would tailgate the
American Spacelab until it was able to pass it (on the right). Each
astronaut would have his or her own cell phone and spend most of the flight
talking while they worked. After two days in space, the Palestinian
Authority would complain to the United Nations and CNN that the Space
actually their property and had been for hundreds of years. The next day
United Nations would pass a resolution confirming this. Thomas
Friedman would suggest that the Israelis give the Palestinians half of
the Shuttle. Every time the astronauts appeared
on live television, Judge Cheshin would threaten to cut off their
The Shuttle would take two years for preparation - 6 months of training and a year and a half to argue who gets the seats.
|The Optimist Sees the Bagel, the Pessimist sees the Hole|
| from (Life's Little Jewish Instruction Book)
by Leonard Sorcher
The optimist sees
the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
|Buddy Hackett S.A.T.* Test|
Marjorie Gottlieb Wolfe
Syosset, New York
*Such A Tumler
funnyman, Buddy Hackett, often referred to as "rubber face," passed
Israeli History in a Nutshell
History of Israel
All Things Jewish
Jewish Communities of the World